Bragging Rights

[tikific]

Title: Bragging Rights
Author: zsomeone and tikistitch
Warnings: Lotsa dick jokes.
Tiki's notes: Z wanted to use this silly list of phrases for penis in a fic, and noticed I had mentioned the same evil intention some time back, so she invited me to write some bits of this one. We more or less split characters and wrote that way, though it got kinda mooshed in the transitions. Sorta wondering if y'all can figure out who wrote who. Our styles are different, but I think this holds together just fine. Z's notes are below the jump.




They have all been drinking, that’s all you really need to know. It doesn’t really have a beginning, or an ending.
A collab with tikistitch, we both wanted to do terrible things with this list we found, so we did terrible things together.
Funny words for a penis were taken from this list, minus the names or locations ones. A few additional phrases are borrowed from the late George Carlin, because that’s how we roll.
Disclaimer: We do not own them, and all that stuff.




"So, dood! At dat point, ah whipped out mah t'robbin' Satun's septur, an' she wuz all, 'Dooooood! Yer twaddle stick t'ing, dat's like, intimidatin'!' An' I tol' her, jest wait 'til yer sucking down mah maghty sword o' flesh. An' den she's like, 'But wait, dere's no way I ken swallow a DNA rifle like dat, cuz no one cud deep t'roat yer Gawd's pinky finger, an' dat's jest da truth.' An' Ah said, 'Wait, yoo can't handle mah DNA rifle, liddle dood?' 'No, I can't get mah whole mout' aroun' dat Twaddle stick. Let me get mah twin sistur.'"

"Twins?" drooled Nathan, his powerful voice fraying around the edges.

"Shure, dood," said Pickles.

"Pickles, you, ah, had intercourse-" began Charles.

"Oral sex!"

"You participated in an oral sexual activity with twins?" asked Charles, who, despite being quite sloppy, was still kind of a dick.

Pickles leaned forward. "Dey were idennikul twin cheerleadurs."

"Noooooooooo!" said Nathan.

"Pffft," said Skwisgaar. "Dat’s not’ing."

Murderface rolled his eyes. "Here we go, another epischode of the Schwedisch schexcapadesch..."

Skwisgaar paid him no mind and continued, "De ladies lines up from all over de worlds jus’ to gets a look at mine master dangle. So manys I can’ts even be remembersing dem all... Dis one once, she tells me she woulds swim t’rough a sea of brokesen glass jus’ to nibbles mine love lure, dat Skwisgaar’s little fishings buddy ams the only tadpoles torpedo for her. Dey all signs de waiver, so I sticks mine life muscle in dem all, ja? A GMILF callsed it mine dwaddle vein, dat’s kinds of sillies, but a FBL callsed it mine sin stick. I liked dat one, I wonders who she was?"

"Huh, You really can’t remember them, can you?" Nathan asked.

"Noes, noes I can’ts," admitted Skwisgaar sadly.

"Well that wasch lessch painful then I exchpected," Murderface commented to no one in particular.

"I don’t knows why we's all gots to tell stupid sex stories," Toki complained while grabbing a fresh beer.

"Pfft, dat ams because you don’t has none to tells," dismissed Skwisgaar.

"I DOES TOO!" Toki tossed an empty bottle in his general direction, missing by a mile.

"SHUT UP! And no throwing bottles either! I’ll go next, okay?" Nathan thought for a minute. "You know, Rebecca had some really funny things she used to call mine. The first time she saw my unmuzzled wagtail she said she’d never had a beefy apple that big before. She said to ‘Use my Moses’ staff to part her Red Sea’, but I said, ‘Eew no, we can wait a few days’. I know my sheets are red, but seriously, that’s just gross. So a few days later she’s all, ‘Put your sin snake in my Garden of Eden, let me ride your squirt dart’ and I was trying to figure out why she was being all Biblical and shit, because that’s really creepy, and she was all, ‘Hurry up and give me your malt worm.’ I told her nobody calls my puking flesh weasel that, and then I... Uh, we... you know, did it."

"Dids what?" asked Toki, burping up beer and god knows what else.

"Ah'll tell yoo when yer older," laughed Pickles. "Now's yer turn, Charles dood!" he announced, hooking a friendly arm over the scowling manager's shoulders.

"Ah, I'm not sure-" Charles began.

"No, PLAY DA GAME!" roared Pickles, his face suddenly flushing an angry shade of crimson.

"Oh, ah, all right, if you put it that way, Pickles. Uh, so, I was in the company of an attractive, ah, lady...."

"Ams supposed to be da true stories!" chortled Skwisgaar.

"Ahem," continued Charles. "I was in the company of a lady when she started to caress my, ah...." And here Charles's voice suddenly trailed off.

"USE THE WORD!" ordered Nathan.

"Here, dood," said Pickles, handing Charles a drink, which the bespectacled manager downed in one gulp.

"Ah, Pickles, that drink wasn't spiked was it?"

"O' course it wuz. Jest a little splash," agreed the grinning drummer.

Charles appeared to steel himself, squaring his shoulders, but then, oddly enough, his eyes appeared to lose some focus. "She started to caress my tickle dangus, and I told her, I told her, 'Now I'm gonna impale you with my God's harpoon.' So I turned her over, and plunged my pommel horse deep into his sweet, tight asshole."

"Uh, his...?" wondered Nathan.

"Her asshole!" said Charles. "And then, just as I set up a rhythm, pommeling and pommeling, there was another guy, ah, girl, who slipped behind me and whipped out her own fat kidney bean...."

"She gaht one?" queried Pickles, who still had his arm around Charles.

"And while I pounded my Satan's shovel deeper and deeper into her asshole, the other guy rammed his temptation wand up my asshole, and so on we went, every baker's rolling pin throbbing and writhing until we all came at once in one sweaty heap of passion."

There was a moment of stunned silence.

"I's can tops that!" announced Toki.

“Uh, you can top a gay three way? Because I think that’s what we just heard.” Nathan pointed out the obvious.

“Chicks ams what has dicks ams jus’ trannies,” Skwisgaar corrected. “It amns’t gay if dey's gots de titties.”

“Dood’s gaht a point,” Pickles threw in. “Dey did have tits, raight?”

“Well... actually, ah...” stammered Charles.

“THEY HAD TITSCH! I need to asschume that they had titsch! I need that.” Murderface shuddered. “Toki, your schtory better have titsch in it!”

“Okays? Well this goil lasts night, she sticks my’s secret lollipop betweens her boobs and sucks it thats way!”

“Uh, Toki? We didn’t have any chicks in last night,” corrected Nathan.

“I dids!” objected Toki.

“Ja, me toos,” added Skwisgaar.

“Fucks, where was I? Oh rights, she was suckings my’s magic tobacco pipe likes when I accidentsly gets it stuck in the vacuum cleaners, wowee! I tells her, ‘You must bes a musicians because you sures plays mine pan’s flute real goods. Then I sticks my cupid’s arrow in her goil part and we’s doesing that. She says that I gots a fat venus ruler, then she says, ‘Nows put you’s trap-stick in my butts’, so I does it and-“

“Pfft, now you ams jus’ makesing t’ings up,” scoffed Skwisgaar.

“I’s NOT lyings! I dids her butts too and then she tells me that mine’s the bestest demon capped hankle evers.”

“Uh, what’s a hankle?” wondered Nathan.

“I don’ts know,” shrugged Toki.

“I gotta schay, Toki, I schtill think Charlesch isch worsche,” Murderface opinioned.

“Well let’s see you does better, Moiderface!” challenged Toki.

"I could do better in my schleep!" boasted Murderface.

"Ja, I heards dat's ams how you ams usually doesing it," snarked Skwisgaar, to roars of drunken laughter.

"There wasch a lady. A real lady," said Murderface, sitting up straight. "Avec titsch."

"Wait, she was French?" asked Nathan.

"No," said Murderface.

"Then why are you speaking French? Since when do you even know French?" demanded the singer.

"And I told her," continued Murderface, ignoring Nathan, "you're getting a schlapping from my schity schlicker. And then sche took off her clothesch, and I schaw before me her gaping carnal canyon, yawning like the Black Hole of Calcutta. I took my masschive meat banana and plunged in, but her Ellie Mae Clamp-It was schoooooo big, I plunged in to the hilt of my oozsching whischtle, and then I kept falling in, until my entire body was conschumed by her enormousch nature'sch tufted treaschure!"

"Uh, you fell in?" asked Nathan.

"Ewww," said Pickles.

"Scho I schtood at the bottom of her Sir Muffenstein, whipped out my throbbing gobble misschile, and schtarted pounding her yum-yum with my tangy tart trombone right from the inside! No lady alive can reschischt the Murderface muschky man candy, scho I humped and humped from the inschide and schoon I had ridden my own drizzschle schpout right back out of her mom'sch homemade schlit pie!"

There was a pause. Pickles's mouth was wide open in shock, and all the color had drained from his face.

"Liars, liars, pantses on fires," sang Toki.

"What?" sputtered Murderface. "At leascht mine was a real lady."

"Mine was a reals ladies too! And nots a mades up one!" protested Toki.

"Toki, you ams a ladies," commented Skwisgaar.

Toki stuck out his tongue at him.

"At least it was a lady. Even if it was a really disgusting one," sighed Nathan.

"What ams wrongs with Pickle?" wondered Toki. Charles waved a spiked beer in front of the drummer's ashen face. He ended up splashing the drink all over everything, but there was no response.

“Fuck, I think Murderface broke him! Porn’s not supposed to be a horror story, Murderface! Not like that hot chick that came out to the water and had teeth down her back and then ate my face off...” Nathan trailed off.

“Tits?” questioned Pickles weakly.

“Uh, yeah! She had awesome tits actually!”

“Here, Pickle, has another beers.” Toki offered helpfully.

Pickles chugged the beer and seemed to revive. "Doods! Let's all make a pact t' never ask Murderface about his sex laihf agen, alreet?"

“My schex life? At leascht I didn’t schay anything GAY!” objected Murderface, eyeing Charles.

“Pfft. If you hads, maybe we woulds has been believesings you,” needled Skwisgaar.

“Yeah! You’s should has just admits it!” agreed Toki.

“Ams you copysings-“

“Guys? GUYS! I’m going to call it a night,” interrupted Charles, who wanted to escape with the tiny shred of dignity he had left.

“THAT’S A GOOD IDEA! I mean yeah,” agreed Nathan.

"Yeh, doods, Ah t'ink we're done here," commented Pickles.