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tikificTitle: Sariel and the Badass Hindu Adventure (Mythklok Interstitial)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: As it says on the tin. Uh, sort of.
Warnings: Flagrant cephalopod boiling.
Notes: I was too sick deal with the main story this week. This was a bit I've had lying around where I knew the beginning but had no clue what happened next, so I just started writing to see what would happen. And, to no one's surprise, it turned out weird.
“Ganesha!”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle!” The young man was stretched out on cushions in the sunny sitting room, one elbow upon a a few pages of a very long manuscript that was spread about the floor. He held in one is his many hands an intricately carved and most unusual pen.
“I am going out now, Beta!” came the voice from the other room. “I need to go split some Vedas.”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle.”
“You will have that next chapter of the Mahabharata transcribed by the time I return?”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle.”
“And don't eat all the ladoo again!”
“No, Vyasa Uncle!”
Ganesh listened as the front door slammed, and then turned and spoke softly to someone. “You can come out now. The old bore is gone.”
A silvery angel tiptoed into the room. “You sure?” he asked. It was Sariel, but like Ganesh, he seemed somehow younger.
“When he's splitting Vedas he can be gone for days and days and days,” explained a smiling Ganesh.
“Who's Vyasa anyway?” asked Sariel. “I don't remember him from your family reunions.” Sariel distinctly remembered Ganesh's family reunions. There was a lot of hugging.
“He is one of Uncle Vishnu's more boring incarnations,” grumbled Ganesh, rolling his lovely brown eyes, which suddenly got a mischievous look. One hand snaked out to yank on Sariel's ankle, and before he realized it, the angel had fallen on his ass.
“Hey!” protested Sariel.
“Now, how shall we occupy our afternoon?” asked Ganesh, who had already jumped on top of him.
Sariel pushed Ganesh back somewhat, though he had only two hands to do so. “Ganesh! I didn't come to your dreamtime just to make out!”
“Oh, don't worry about that,” grinned Ganesh, making good use of all the hands Sariel couldn't block. “We'll do much more than just make out.”
“But I wanted to have an awesome badass Hindu adventure!” protested Sariel.
“Ah, but those are soooo tiresome,” sighed Ganesh.
“With demons! And a lake of fire!”
“When you've seen one lake of fire, you've seen them all,” said Ganesh, making a bored gesture.
“Well, what did you wanna do?” asked Sariel.
Ganesh frowned, one finger to his lips. “Well, I thought for a start I would fuck you silly. And then? Maybe we could have a late lunch?”
Sariel managed to wriggle up into a sitting position. “Brunch? I didn't come all the way here for brunch!” he said, his wings twitching in irritation. “And that's another thing!” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I can't Court Form.”
“No, you are probably stuck in your magical form,” said Ganesh. “But I wouldn't worry. No one here will notice. A silver angel will fit right in.”
“They won't notice if we never get out of this fucking palace!” protested Sariel.
“Oh, jaanu now, don't pout,” sighed Ganesh, alarmed at the sight of a moping angel. “All right, all right,” he soothed, sliding back on top of Sariel again, “how about this? We'll just have a little quickie,” he purred, running a hand up Sariel's thigh, “and then we'll go out and have some kind of 'adventure.'”
“All right. I guess,” grumbled Sariel, who soon followed it with, “Oh gods yes like that, like that....”
And then: it was hard to tell, for there seemed to be wings and arms going everywhere.
A while later, they were outside the palace, Sariel's wings quivering in anticipation. “Are we going by elephant back, or something cool?” he wondered.
“Vyasa Uncle didn't leave me the keys for the elephants,” sighed Ganesh. “He got very cross about that time I broke the moon.”
“Huh?”
Ganesh gave a low whistle. A cloud of vapors roiled forth and paused before him. “I usually take my kintoun!” he told Sariel, gracefully hopping upon the cloud.
“Is there room for two?” asked Sariel.
“Well … yes, but-” Ganesh began.
“But what?” asked Sariel, leaping aboard. Unfortunately, Sariel fell right through, and landed, once again, on his angelic ass. “OWWWW! What the fuck?”
“Unfortunately, only the pure at heart may ride,” explained Ganesh.
“You're pure in heart?” squawked Sariel, rubbing his sore posterior. “But you're the one who wanted to stay in and screw instead of have adventures!”
“Yes, my lust is quite pure!” grinned Ganesh.
“OK, OK,” said Sariel, shaking out his wings. “I guess I'll have to go the old fashioned way.”
“Oh, that's right, you can use those.”
Sariel glowered. “That's right, they're not just a sex toy, Mr. Pureofheart,” he grumbled.
And so they set off, Ganesh gliding on his cloud, and Sariel somewhat ill-temperedly flying along beside. And the flew over land and lake and desert and woods, until they came to some snowy mountains.
“Snowy mountains!” said Ganesh, guiding his cloud down to earth. “You know what happens now?”
“Can we stop for pie soon?” grumbled Sariel, who had alit on a rock jutting out of the snow. “I have a kink in my wings.” But he suddenly looked up as trance music sounded through the foothills. “Oh, fuck no! GANESH!”
As you soar through the heavens....
Sexy angel at your side...
Hear my words o adventurers....
Remember as you glide....
As background music swelled up, Ganesh mimed to a singing voice that was obviously not his.
When you see a snowy mountainside
As you fly along
It's time to stop to stop
For a big gay song
And then, to utterly no one's surprise, Ganesh broke into a well-choreographed dance.
“Come along Sariel! Dance with me!” called Ganesh, extending several hands.
“Not on your life,” grumbled Sariel, who quite testily plopped down on his ass once again, though this time, of his own volition.
But suddenly, there was a small figure up at the rise, singing in an unnaturally high voice:
When I glimpse a snowy mountainside
And a dancer big and strong
I know I need to stop to stop
For a big gay song!
“That's not even her voice!” whined Charles as Raziel skipped down the snowy hillside to dance with Ganesh. “And neither of you are dressed for this weather!” he complained, wrapping his wings around himself against the cold.
Forget your troubles instantly
Send them to the moon
It's time to stop to stop
And dance to the big gay tune!
But quite suddenly (perhaps through the power of a quick cut) the surroundings turned from a snowy mountainside to a sunny field.
A field now everybody
It's time to skip and prance
It's time to stop to stop
And join the big gay dance!
Suddenly, Sariel thought, “OK, we have the snowy mountainside, the field....OH SHIT!” And so saying he cowered under his silvery wings just as thunder clapped and rain began to pour down on the idiotic dancers.
Now here't the climax of it all
Time to shoot the moon
It's time to stop to stop
And sing a big gay tune!
The rainstorm thankfully stopped as quickly as it started. As a miserable Sariel shook out his sodden wings, he suddenly became aware of a new person standing nearby.
“Are you dancing in the rain with my lady?” boomed Wotan to Ganesh, who was now standing, dripping wet, with Raziel.
“Yes! Yes I was, Uncle Wotan!” Ganesh told him.
“Well, that ought to keep her out of trouble,” approved the god, draping an arm over Raziel, and courteously handing her a towel. “What are you boys doing out here?”
“I wanted to go on an awesome Hindu adventure,” sulked Sariel.
“Well, as it happens, we're off on an awesome Norse adventure!” said Wotan.
“A Norse adventure? Cool! Can we come?” asked Sariel, who was being annoyed by Ganesh pretending to dry his hair on a wing.
“I thought you wanted to go on a Hindu adventure, jaanu?” asked Ganesh.
“Hey, close enough,” said Sariel. “Norse legends are pretty badass!”
“All right then,” said Wotan. “Let us go... TO THE BAR!”
“Wait? The bar?” asked Sariel.
“All Norse adventures start in the bar!” explained Wotan, draping a large arm around Sariel.
“Yeah? Huh. Will they have pie ya think?” asked Sariel, rubbing his ever hungry angel belly.
“I am certain of it!”
“OK, what the fuck?” sighed Sariel.
The adventurers – who were now Norse adventurers – soon hit a crowded inn filled with a lot of cool mythological characters.
“Remember, this is a wretched hive of scum and villainy!” advised Wotan.
“So, we should be cautious?” asked Sariel, who was up on his mythology of all kinds.
“Aw, hell no!” said Wotan, knocking a couple of guys off their barstools so Raziel could have a seat. “You said you wanted an adventure, didn't you?”
“Sure,” shrugged Sariel, who immediately punched a sucker in order to get his barstool, and then sat down, slamming his fist on the bar and yelling, “Gimme some pie, dammit!” For Sariel was a little cranky by now from low blood sugar. Sariel found he very soon had a tasty slice of Swedish apple pie right in front of him, so he started to dig in as the others quaffed their beer. They drank for a while, but soon became aware of an altercation over on the other side of the bar.
Suddenly, Sariel wiped some of the apple filling from his chin and leaped from his stool to intervene.
“What's that boy up to?” asked Wotan.
“I think he's intervening!” said Ganesh, who was one sharp cookie.
A very large man with lots of long, dark hair was just about to smack some guy with a lamp when Sariel grabbed his arm.
“Hey, what are you doing?” grumbed Nathan Explosion. “Can't you see I'm HAVING AND ALTERCATION?”
“Wait! Don't use the lamp!” wailed Sariel, who held Nathan's arm with one hand while blocking the punch of the guy he was fighting with the other.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because that lamp could be used for lighting purposes!” reasoned Sariel, who wrested away the lamp, and then downed the other guy with a well-aimed kick to his stomach. “Lighting creates a pleasant atmosphere! For you and me!”
“Wellllll, I suppose I hadn't considered that, yeah,” agreed Nathan. Thanks, feathery dude.” Sariel gave Nathan back the lamp, which Nathan carefully set back on a shelf.
“So, are you guys cosplaying today or what?” Sariel asked, noting Nathan's Viking outfit.
“We're BRIGANDS!” explained Nathan, pointing out another very familiar, frizzy-haired person, who was also wearing a Viking outfit. This second person was hunched over a table, and appeared to be writing something.
“Wait, you're with him too, William?” asked Sariel. “Why weren't you helping in the fight?”
“For your informatschion, noschy angel dude, I wasch juscht finisching thisch crosschword puzzle!” said Murderface, holding up a partially filled in newspaper page.
“You guys don't do sudoku?” asked Raziel, who had just walked up.
“Sudoku? That sound ANACHRONISTIC!” stated Nathan suspiciously. “Hey, I don't know who you are but you have really great tits.”
“She's with ME,” explained Wotan, draping an arm around Raziel.
“Oh, uh, like I was saying, uhhhhhh, that beer was two bits! Pay up, MURDERFACE!” said Nathan. Murderface glared and stabbed his crossword puzzle into the table with his knife.
But just then, some familiar figures stormed into the bar. “We ams here now, sexy ladypersons!” purred Skwisgaar, who, not surprisingly, was dressed as a Viking.
“We are the golden gods!” agreed Thor, who, oddly enough, was dressed as a Viking. A lady Viking.
“Uhhhh,” Sariel asked Wotan, “is there a particular reason your son is dressed as a girl?”
“That one,” sighed Wotan. “Doesn't have much upstairs. He probably lost another bet.”
“Hellos, fadders!” said Thor.
“And hellos brigand persons and da stranger feather bed guys!” added Skwisgaar.
Sariel glowered and turned to whisper to Ganesh. “Uh, is there a particular reason why Dethklok is here?”
“At this point in time, you really have to ask about your boys?” grinned Ganesh, quaffing a beer with one hand and playing darts with another.
“And they don't know who we are?”
“Well, they're mortals, that could be why.”
“Why doesn't THOR know who we are?” asked Sariel.
“That one,” laughed Ganesh, using yet another hand to grin and point to his own brain while shaking his head.
Suddenly, two more familiar figures entered the bar.
“Toki!” said Pickles, who was, oddly enough, dressed as a wizard.
“BUT IT AMS HAS DA TENTACOCKLES!” wailed Toki.
“Toki, I tol' yoo dood, if yoo call a kraken, dey gaht tennacles,” said the first, waving two of his braids for emphasis.
“You guys have a KRAKEN?” asked Nathan.
“Naw, we had t' t'row it back,” said Pickles, setting his pointy wizard hat down on the table. “Toki's skered o' da tennacles,” he whispered.
“Wow! Think how much calamari you could have made,” said Sariel, who, despite the pie, was still hungry.
“Oh, yeah, that sounds tasty,” agreed Nathan. “You're right little feather dude.”
“Nathan, please quit calling me- Oh, never mind,” said Sariel. “It wasn't a lake of fire was it?” he asked Pickles. “We're sort of looking for a lake of fire.”
“Naw, dood, but a lake o' fire is a pretty easy trick,” bragged Pickles.
“Wait, you can turn a normal lake into a lake of fire!”
“Yeh, shure fluffly dood.”
“It ought to be an easy trick, actually,” said Ganesh, who was now playing darts by looking into a hand mirror. “Even for these fellows!”
“Wait, you can turn any lake into a lake of fire? Why didn't you tell me this, Ganesh?” asked Sariel.
“Well, you didn't ask!” said Ganesh, flinging a dart.
“OW!”
“Oh, terribly sorry about that. I could make you another eye if you wanted.”
“So you're a wizard?” Sariel asked Pickles.
“Yeh, dood, I have weird mystical powers!” said Pickles.
“And, uh, Toki is your apprentice?” asked Sariel. Oddly enough, Toki was not dressed like a wizard, but in rough robes.
Pickles laughed.
“I ams da cooks,” Toki admitted.
“Wait, dudes, THIS LITTLE DUDE MAKES SNACKS?” asked Nathan, one meaty hand grasping Sariel's shoulder. Sariel and Nathan exchanged a glance.
Sariel jumped up on the bar and shouted, “Quick! Give us all your butter and lemon! IT'S A CULINARY EMERGENCY!”
“So, this is the lake of fire you've been whining about, Sariel?” asked Raziel. “Looks kinda gross.”
Sariel glared at Raziel. He had to admit, it looked not unlike the Jersey shore, including the discarded hypodermic needles washed up everywhere.
“Won't be a trick to turn this into a lake of fire,” laughed Wotan. “Just toss in a match.”
“So, said Pickles, “first we call da Kraken dood, and den we conjoor da lake o' fire.”
Just then, there was a great roar, as if a thousand Teuthida suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. The great Kraken had arisen, snaking out its horrible tentacles across the litter-strewn beach. Most everyone jumped out of the way – even Thor, who was a bit dim, and who was in addition wearing heels.
Unfortunately, Toki was not so lucky, and the terrible Kraken snaked one tentacle around his ankle and grabbed him, pulling him up, up, up, to dangle above it's crushing jaws.
“Ams helps me!” cried Toki.
“Hmm,” said Pickles. “Mebbe da t'ing t' do wuz conjoor da lake o' fire first, and den call ca kraken?”
“Pickles, you gotta help him!” Sariel shouted.
“Yeah, THAT GUY'S OUR COOK!” seconded Nathan.
With some urgency, Pickles rolled a joint, and then calmly hopped up on a rock to smoke.
“What are you doing, Pickles?” demanded Sariel.
“Dood! I'm mellowin' out.”
“HELPS ME!” screamed Toki, who was still being dangled by a tentacockle. “I ams caught by a tentacockle,” he added helpfully.
“Sariel!” said Ganesh, who caught the angel's shoulder just before he could strangle Pickles.
“What?”
“Do you know what we could do?”
“Uh. Call Liam Neeson?” asked Sariel
“You have your band here! Your boys could use the power of music!” said Ganesh.
“You and Raziel are gonna dance to another big gay song?” grumbled Sariel.
“HEEEEEEELPS!” wailed Toki.
“Yeh, we hear yoo dood. Geez,” sighed Pickles.
“They will simply use these instruments, which have conveniently washed up on the shore, and conjure the lake of fire!” explained Ganesh, brushing some hypodermic needles off a guitar.
“You wants us to play grandpas geetars?” scoffed Skwisgaar.
“HEEEELLLLLPPPS ME!” wailed Toki.
“Dude!” said Nathan. “Remember, this is not for you.”
“No?” asked Skwisgaar.
“This is for FRIED CALIMARI!” said Nathan.
“OK, ja, I guess dat ams okees,” agreed Skwisgaar.
Soon, Ganesh had distributed instruments to the four members of Dethklok on the shore, and Thor got to play the triangle, because he really wanted to play the triangle.
Where does Dethklok go when they sleep?
Not to gay places where angels weep
Go to a lake of fire and heat
Tentacockles for a tasty treat
Suddenly, the water, which had been still, began to bubble.
“Keep going, boys!” shouted Ganesh. His words were unnecessary, because Dethklok had found its groove.
Knew a guitarist who came from Norway
Grabbed by tentacockles one fine day
Eaten by a kraken before he got back
Flying away howling about his snacks
“HELLLLPPP MEEE!” screamed Toki.
“You know,” said Sariel, “given that Skwisgaar always re-records his guitar parts, that's potentially the greatest contribution Toki is ever going to make to one of our pieces.”
“I like this one,” opined Raziel. “I usually don't care for death metal.”
“Well, this is more alternative country death metal I guess,” said Sariel.
People sigh, people groan
Say the tentacockles aren't quite done
Try to find some tartar sauce in their home
Fridge before angels and Hindu dudes eat them on their own
“Hmpf! I'm not the greedy one,” tutted Ganesh, crossing several sets of arms.
The bubbling had now turned into a perfect rolling boil.
The kraken, letting out a scream, suddenly released Toki, sending him hurling towards the beach, where he was expertly caught by Thor.
“Oh. Hellos, handsomes!” said an appreciative Toki.
And then Raziel and Sariel Ganesh and Nathan and Murderface all took out really big swords (or in Murderface's case, a really really really big knife) and sliced up the dying Kraken's tentacockles, which Toki expertly breaded in flour and just a hint of parsley and then flash fried.
And they all partook of the delicious calamari, some of them partaking perhaps a little more than others.
“This is not bad!” said Raziel, flicking a hypodermic needle off her chunk of kraken calamari.
“This is a splendid picnic!” said Wotan.
“But, we must be getting back soon. Vyasa Uncle expects me to have that next chapter of the Mahabharata,” said Ganesh, who, fortunately, now included seafood as part of his modified vegetarian diet. “Are you ready to go, Sariel?”
“MY TUMMY!”
“Oh, dear,” said Ganesh.
“I can't fly. I CAN'T MOVE! Oooooooo....” moaned Sariel, who had been particularly greedy.
Ganesh heaved a sigh. “Alas, he is too bloated to fly. And I cannot fly him back on my kintoun.”
“Because he's not pure of heart,” laughed Raziel.
“Quite the opposite,” agreed Ganesh.
“NO PROBLEM!” Nathan told them. “We'll just give you dudes a ride back in the DETH VAN!” Nathan brought out a set of keys and, pushing the button, was answered by the beep of a car alarm up on shore.
“Wait!” moaned Sariel. “You guys don't know who you are here, but you have a Deth Van?”
“Dearest,” explained Ganesh. “Shut up.”
So, Nathan gave them all a ride home in the Deth Van. I won't go into their adventures here, but after a brief stop at the Yggdrasill mall because Raziel had heard there was a sale so she and Thor spend a couple of hours buying new shoes while the boys hung out at the food court and sort of started a minor riot, Sariel and Ganesh were back at Uncle Vyasa's place.
“So, did you have a good Hindu/Norse/Kraken adventure?” inquired Ganesh as they waved goodbye.
Sariel belched loudly.
“I shall take that as a yes,” said Ganesh heading inside.
“Hey, you think your Uncle has any pie sitting around?” asked Sariel, padding after him. “I'm a little peckish.”
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: As it says on the tin. Uh, sort of.
Warnings: Flagrant cephalopod boiling.
Notes: I was too sick deal with the main story this week. This was a bit I've had lying around where I knew the beginning but had no clue what happened next, so I just started writing to see what would happen. And, to no one's surprise, it turned out weird.
“Ganesha!”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle!” The young man was stretched out on cushions in the sunny sitting room, one elbow upon a a few pages of a very long manuscript that was spread about the floor. He held in one is his many hands an intricately carved and most unusual pen.
“I am going out now, Beta!” came the voice from the other room. “I need to go split some Vedas.”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle.”
“You will have that next chapter of the Mahabharata transcribed by the time I return?”
“Yes, Vyasa Uncle.”
“And don't eat all the ladoo again!”
“No, Vyasa Uncle!”
Ganesh listened as the front door slammed, and then turned and spoke softly to someone. “You can come out now. The old bore is gone.”
A silvery angel tiptoed into the room. “You sure?” he asked. It was Sariel, but like Ganesh, he seemed somehow younger.
“When he's splitting Vedas he can be gone for days and days and days,” explained a smiling Ganesh.
“Who's Vyasa anyway?” asked Sariel. “I don't remember him from your family reunions.” Sariel distinctly remembered Ganesh's family reunions. There was a lot of hugging.
“He is one of Uncle Vishnu's more boring incarnations,” grumbled Ganesh, rolling his lovely brown eyes, which suddenly got a mischievous look. One hand snaked out to yank on Sariel's ankle, and before he realized it, the angel had fallen on his ass.
“Hey!” protested Sariel.
“Now, how shall we occupy our afternoon?” asked Ganesh, who had already jumped on top of him.
Sariel pushed Ganesh back somewhat, though he had only two hands to do so. “Ganesh! I didn't come to your dreamtime just to make out!”
“Oh, don't worry about that,” grinned Ganesh, making good use of all the hands Sariel couldn't block. “We'll do much more than just make out.”
“But I wanted to have an awesome badass Hindu adventure!” protested Sariel.
“Ah, but those are soooo tiresome,” sighed Ganesh.
“With demons! And a lake of fire!”
“When you've seen one lake of fire, you've seen them all,” said Ganesh, making a bored gesture.
“Well, what did you wanna do?” asked Sariel.
Ganesh frowned, one finger to his lips. “Well, I thought for a start I would fuck you silly. And then? Maybe we could have a late lunch?”
Sariel managed to wriggle up into a sitting position. “Brunch? I didn't come all the way here for brunch!” he said, his wings twitching in irritation. “And that's another thing!” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I can't Court Form.”
“No, you are probably stuck in your magical form,” said Ganesh. “But I wouldn't worry. No one here will notice. A silver angel will fit right in.”
“They won't notice if we never get out of this fucking palace!” protested Sariel.
“Oh, jaanu now, don't pout,” sighed Ganesh, alarmed at the sight of a moping angel. “All right, all right,” he soothed, sliding back on top of Sariel again, “how about this? We'll just have a little quickie,” he purred, running a hand up Sariel's thigh, “and then we'll go out and have some kind of 'adventure.'”
“All right. I guess,” grumbled Sariel, who soon followed it with, “Oh gods yes like that, like that....”
And then: it was hard to tell, for there seemed to be wings and arms going everywhere.
A while later, they were outside the palace, Sariel's wings quivering in anticipation. “Are we going by elephant back, or something cool?” he wondered.
“Vyasa Uncle didn't leave me the keys for the elephants,” sighed Ganesh. “He got very cross about that time I broke the moon.”
“Huh?”
Ganesh gave a low whistle. A cloud of vapors roiled forth and paused before him. “I usually take my kintoun!” he told Sariel, gracefully hopping upon the cloud.
“Is there room for two?” asked Sariel.
“Well … yes, but-” Ganesh began.
“But what?” asked Sariel, leaping aboard. Unfortunately, Sariel fell right through, and landed, once again, on his angelic ass. “OWWWW! What the fuck?”
“Unfortunately, only the pure at heart may ride,” explained Ganesh.
“You're pure in heart?” squawked Sariel, rubbing his sore posterior. “But you're the one who wanted to stay in and screw instead of have adventures!”
“Yes, my lust is quite pure!” grinned Ganesh.
“OK, OK,” said Sariel, shaking out his wings. “I guess I'll have to go the old fashioned way.”
“Oh, that's right, you can use those.”
Sariel glowered. “That's right, they're not just a sex toy, Mr. Pureofheart,” he grumbled.
And so they set off, Ganesh gliding on his cloud, and Sariel somewhat ill-temperedly flying along beside. And the flew over land and lake and desert and woods, until they came to some snowy mountains.
“Snowy mountains!” said Ganesh, guiding his cloud down to earth. “You know what happens now?”
“Can we stop for pie soon?” grumbled Sariel, who had alit on a rock jutting out of the snow. “I have a kink in my wings.” But he suddenly looked up as trance music sounded through the foothills. “Oh, fuck no! GANESH!”
As you soar through the heavens....
Sexy angel at your side...
Hear my words o adventurers....
Remember as you glide....
As background music swelled up, Ganesh mimed to a singing voice that was obviously not his.
When you see a snowy mountainside
As you fly along
It's time to stop to stop
For a big gay song
And then, to utterly no one's surprise, Ganesh broke into a well-choreographed dance.
“Come along Sariel! Dance with me!” called Ganesh, extending several hands.
“Not on your life,” grumbled Sariel, who quite testily plopped down on his ass once again, though this time, of his own volition.
But suddenly, there was a small figure up at the rise, singing in an unnaturally high voice:
When I glimpse a snowy mountainside
And a dancer big and strong
I know I need to stop to stop
For a big gay song!
“That's not even her voice!” whined Charles as Raziel skipped down the snowy hillside to dance with Ganesh. “And neither of you are dressed for this weather!” he complained, wrapping his wings around himself against the cold.
Forget your troubles instantly
Send them to the moon
It's time to stop to stop
And dance to the big gay tune!
But quite suddenly (perhaps through the power of a quick cut) the surroundings turned from a snowy mountainside to a sunny field.
A field now everybody
It's time to skip and prance
It's time to stop to stop
And join the big gay dance!
Suddenly, Sariel thought, “OK, we have the snowy mountainside, the field....OH SHIT!” And so saying he cowered under his silvery wings just as thunder clapped and rain began to pour down on the idiotic dancers.
Now here't the climax of it all
Time to shoot the moon
It's time to stop to stop
And sing a big gay tune!
The rainstorm thankfully stopped as quickly as it started. As a miserable Sariel shook out his sodden wings, he suddenly became aware of a new person standing nearby.
“Are you dancing in the rain with my lady?” boomed Wotan to Ganesh, who was now standing, dripping wet, with Raziel.
“Yes! Yes I was, Uncle Wotan!” Ganesh told him.
“Well, that ought to keep her out of trouble,” approved the god, draping an arm over Raziel, and courteously handing her a towel. “What are you boys doing out here?”
“I wanted to go on an awesome Hindu adventure,” sulked Sariel.
“Well, as it happens, we're off on an awesome Norse adventure!” said Wotan.
“A Norse adventure? Cool! Can we come?” asked Sariel, who was being annoyed by Ganesh pretending to dry his hair on a wing.
“I thought you wanted to go on a Hindu adventure, jaanu?” asked Ganesh.
“Hey, close enough,” said Sariel. “Norse legends are pretty badass!”
“All right then,” said Wotan. “Let us go... TO THE BAR!”
“Wait? The bar?” asked Sariel.
“All Norse adventures start in the bar!” explained Wotan, draping a large arm around Sariel.
“Yeah? Huh. Will they have pie ya think?” asked Sariel, rubbing his ever hungry angel belly.
“I am certain of it!”
“OK, what the fuck?” sighed Sariel.
The adventurers – who were now Norse adventurers – soon hit a crowded inn filled with a lot of cool mythological characters.
“Remember, this is a wretched hive of scum and villainy!” advised Wotan.
“So, we should be cautious?” asked Sariel, who was up on his mythology of all kinds.
“Aw, hell no!” said Wotan, knocking a couple of guys off their barstools so Raziel could have a seat. “You said you wanted an adventure, didn't you?”
“Sure,” shrugged Sariel, who immediately punched a sucker in order to get his barstool, and then sat down, slamming his fist on the bar and yelling, “Gimme some pie, dammit!” For Sariel was a little cranky by now from low blood sugar. Sariel found he very soon had a tasty slice of Swedish apple pie right in front of him, so he started to dig in as the others quaffed their beer. They drank for a while, but soon became aware of an altercation over on the other side of the bar.
Suddenly, Sariel wiped some of the apple filling from his chin and leaped from his stool to intervene.
“What's that boy up to?” asked Wotan.
“I think he's intervening!” said Ganesh, who was one sharp cookie.
A very large man with lots of long, dark hair was just about to smack some guy with a lamp when Sariel grabbed his arm.
“Hey, what are you doing?” grumbed Nathan Explosion. “Can't you see I'm HAVING AND ALTERCATION?”
“Wait! Don't use the lamp!” wailed Sariel, who held Nathan's arm with one hand while blocking the punch of the guy he was fighting with the other.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because that lamp could be used for lighting purposes!” reasoned Sariel, who wrested away the lamp, and then downed the other guy with a well-aimed kick to his stomach. “Lighting creates a pleasant atmosphere! For you and me!”
“Wellllll, I suppose I hadn't considered that, yeah,” agreed Nathan. Thanks, feathery dude.” Sariel gave Nathan back the lamp, which Nathan carefully set back on a shelf.
“So, are you guys cosplaying today or what?” Sariel asked, noting Nathan's Viking outfit.
“We're BRIGANDS!” explained Nathan, pointing out another very familiar, frizzy-haired person, who was also wearing a Viking outfit. This second person was hunched over a table, and appeared to be writing something.
“Wait, you're with him too, William?” asked Sariel. “Why weren't you helping in the fight?”
“For your informatschion, noschy angel dude, I wasch juscht finisching thisch crosschword puzzle!” said Murderface, holding up a partially filled in newspaper page.
“You guys don't do sudoku?” asked Raziel, who had just walked up.
“Sudoku? That sound ANACHRONISTIC!” stated Nathan suspiciously. “Hey, I don't know who you are but you have really great tits.”
“She's with ME,” explained Wotan, draping an arm around Raziel.
“Oh, uh, like I was saying, uhhhhhh, that beer was two bits! Pay up, MURDERFACE!” said Nathan. Murderface glared and stabbed his crossword puzzle into the table with his knife.
But just then, some familiar figures stormed into the bar. “We ams here now, sexy ladypersons!” purred Skwisgaar, who, not surprisingly, was dressed as a Viking.
“We are the golden gods!” agreed Thor, who, oddly enough, was dressed as a Viking. A lady Viking.
“Uhhhh,” Sariel asked Wotan, “is there a particular reason your son is dressed as a girl?”
“That one,” sighed Wotan. “Doesn't have much upstairs. He probably lost another bet.”
“Hellos, fadders!” said Thor.
“And hellos brigand persons and da stranger feather bed guys!” added Skwisgaar.
Sariel glowered and turned to whisper to Ganesh. “Uh, is there a particular reason why Dethklok is here?”
“At this point in time, you really have to ask about your boys?” grinned Ganesh, quaffing a beer with one hand and playing darts with another.
“And they don't know who we are?”
“Well, they're mortals, that could be why.”
“Why doesn't THOR know who we are?” asked Sariel.
“That one,” laughed Ganesh, using yet another hand to grin and point to his own brain while shaking his head.
Suddenly, two more familiar figures entered the bar.
“Toki!” said Pickles, who was, oddly enough, dressed as a wizard.
“BUT IT AMS HAS DA TENTACOCKLES!” wailed Toki.
“Toki, I tol' yoo dood, if yoo call a kraken, dey gaht tennacles,” said the first, waving two of his braids for emphasis.
“You guys have a KRAKEN?” asked Nathan.
“Naw, we had t' t'row it back,” said Pickles, setting his pointy wizard hat down on the table. “Toki's skered o' da tennacles,” he whispered.
“Wow! Think how much calamari you could have made,” said Sariel, who, despite the pie, was still hungry.
“Oh, yeah, that sounds tasty,” agreed Nathan. “You're right little feather dude.”
“Nathan, please quit calling me- Oh, never mind,” said Sariel. “It wasn't a lake of fire was it?” he asked Pickles. “We're sort of looking for a lake of fire.”
“Naw, dood, but a lake o' fire is a pretty easy trick,” bragged Pickles.
“Wait, you can turn a normal lake into a lake of fire!”
“Yeh, shure fluffly dood.”
“It ought to be an easy trick, actually,” said Ganesh, who was now playing darts by looking into a hand mirror. “Even for these fellows!”
“Wait, you can turn any lake into a lake of fire? Why didn't you tell me this, Ganesh?” asked Sariel.
“Well, you didn't ask!” said Ganesh, flinging a dart.
“OW!”
“Oh, terribly sorry about that. I could make you another eye if you wanted.”
“So you're a wizard?” Sariel asked Pickles.
“Yeh, dood, I have weird mystical powers!” said Pickles.
“And, uh, Toki is your apprentice?” asked Sariel. Oddly enough, Toki was not dressed like a wizard, but in rough robes.
Pickles laughed.
“I ams da cooks,” Toki admitted.
“Wait, dudes, THIS LITTLE DUDE MAKES SNACKS?” asked Nathan, one meaty hand grasping Sariel's shoulder. Sariel and Nathan exchanged a glance.
Sariel jumped up on the bar and shouted, “Quick! Give us all your butter and lemon! IT'S A CULINARY EMERGENCY!”
“So, this is the lake of fire you've been whining about, Sariel?” asked Raziel. “Looks kinda gross.”
Sariel glared at Raziel. He had to admit, it looked not unlike the Jersey shore, including the discarded hypodermic needles washed up everywhere.
“Won't be a trick to turn this into a lake of fire,” laughed Wotan. “Just toss in a match.”
“So, said Pickles, “first we call da Kraken dood, and den we conjoor da lake o' fire.”
Just then, there was a great roar, as if a thousand Teuthida suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. The great Kraken had arisen, snaking out its horrible tentacles across the litter-strewn beach. Most everyone jumped out of the way – even Thor, who was a bit dim, and who was in addition wearing heels.
Unfortunately, Toki was not so lucky, and the terrible Kraken snaked one tentacle around his ankle and grabbed him, pulling him up, up, up, to dangle above it's crushing jaws.
“Ams helps me!” cried Toki.
“Hmm,” said Pickles. “Mebbe da t'ing t' do wuz conjoor da lake o' fire first, and den call ca kraken?”
“Pickles, you gotta help him!” Sariel shouted.
“Yeah, THAT GUY'S OUR COOK!” seconded Nathan.
With some urgency, Pickles rolled a joint, and then calmly hopped up on a rock to smoke.
“What are you doing, Pickles?” demanded Sariel.
“Dood! I'm mellowin' out.”
“HELPS ME!” screamed Toki, who was still being dangled by a tentacockle. “I ams caught by a tentacockle,” he added helpfully.
“Sariel!” said Ganesh, who caught the angel's shoulder just before he could strangle Pickles.
“What?”
“Do you know what we could do?”
“Uh. Call Liam Neeson?” asked Sariel
“You have your band here! Your boys could use the power of music!” said Ganesh.
“You and Raziel are gonna dance to another big gay song?” grumbled Sariel.
“HEEEEEEELPS!” wailed Toki.
“Yeh, we hear yoo dood. Geez,” sighed Pickles.
“They will simply use these instruments, which have conveniently washed up on the shore, and conjure the lake of fire!” explained Ganesh, brushing some hypodermic needles off a guitar.
“You wants us to play grandpas geetars?” scoffed Skwisgaar.
“HEEEELLLLLPPPS ME!” wailed Toki.
“Dude!” said Nathan. “Remember, this is not for you.”
“No?” asked Skwisgaar.
“This is for FRIED CALIMARI!” said Nathan.
“OK, ja, I guess dat ams okees,” agreed Skwisgaar.
Soon, Ganesh had distributed instruments to the four members of Dethklok on the shore, and Thor got to play the triangle, because he really wanted to play the triangle.
Where does Dethklok go when they sleep?
Not to gay places where angels weep
Go to a lake of fire and heat
Tentacockles for a tasty treat
Suddenly, the water, which had been still, began to bubble.
“Keep going, boys!” shouted Ganesh. His words were unnecessary, because Dethklok had found its groove.
Knew a guitarist who came from Norway
Grabbed by tentacockles one fine day
Eaten by a kraken before he got back
Flying away howling about his snacks
“HELLLLPPP MEEE!” screamed Toki.
“You know,” said Sariel, “given that Skwisgaar always re-records his guitar parts, that's potentially the greatest contribution Toki is ever going to make to one of our pieces.”
“I like this one,” opined Raziel. “I usually don't care for death metal.”
“Well, this is more alternative country death metal I guess,” said Sariel.
People sigh, people groan
Say the tentacockles aren't quite done
Try to find some tartar sauce in their home
Fridge before angels and Hindu dudes eat them on their own
“Hmpf! I'm not the greedy one,” tutted Ganesh, crossing several sets of arms.
The bubbling had now turned into a perfect rolling boil.
The kraken, letting out a scream, suddenly released Toki, sending him hurling towards the beach, where he was expertly caught by Thor.
“Oh. Hellos, handsomes!” said an appreciative Toki.
And then Raziel and Sariel Ganesh and Nathan and Murderface all took out really big swords (or in Murderface's case, a really really really big knife) and sliced up the dying Kraken's tentacockles, which Toki expertly breaded in flour and just a hint of parsley and then flash fried.
And they all partook of the delicious calamari, some of them partaking perhaps a little more than others.
“This is not bad!” said Raziel, flicking a hypodermic needle off her chunk of kraken calamari.
“This is a splendid picnic!” said Wotan.
“But, we must be getting back soon. Vyasa Uncle expects me to have that next chapter of the Mahabharata,” said Ganesh, who, fortunately, now included seafood as part of his modified vegetarian diet. “Are you ready to go, Sariel?”
“MY TUMMY!”
“Oh, dear,” said Ganesh.
“I can't fly. I CAN'T MOVE! Oooooooo....” moaned Sariel, who had been particularly greedy.
Ganesh heaved a sigh. “Alas, he is too bloated to fly. And I cannot fly him back on my kintoun.”
“Because he's not pure of heart,” laughed Raziel.
“Quite the opposite,” agreed Ganesh.
“NO PROBLEM!” Nathan told them. “We'll just give you dudes a ride back in the DETH VAN!” Nathan brought out a set of keys and, pushing the button, was answered by the beep of a car alarm up on shore.
“Wait!” moaned Sariel. “You guys don't know who you are here, but you have a Deth Van?”
“Dearest,” explained Ganesh. “Shut up.”
So, Nathan gave them all a ride home in the Deth Van. I won't go into their adventures here, but after a brief stop at the Yggdrasill mall because Raziel had heard there was a sale so she and Thor spend a couple of hours buying new shoes while the boys hung out at the food court and sort of started a minor riot, Sariel and Ganesh were back at Uncle Vyasa's place.
“So, did you have a good Hindu/Norse/Kraken adventure?” inquired Ganesh as they waved goodbye.
Sariel belched loudly.
“I shall take that as a yes,” said Ganesh heading inside.
“Hey, you think your Uncle has any pie sitting around?” asked Sariel, padding after him. “I'm a little peckish.”
