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tikificTitle: The Haunting of Mordhaus (Mythklok, Chapter 85)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ganesh has a vision, Mordhaus gets yet another new resident, Skwisgaar and Nathan play Scooby Gang, Pickles smokes something, the gang plays good cop/bad cop.
Warnings: Nothing much
Notes: Notes after the jump.
I lied. Looks like H&G is just gonna just post an artz (it's a good artz, but it didn't take me half an hour to read), so I'll stick this here for whenever you guys are up for it. Now if you'll 'scuse me, I got a 220-minute Hrithik Roshan movie todrool over watch and enjoy!
In Mythklok no one can hear you scream.
So, last time: Charles ran into an old friend down in Purgatory, and then sort of had a hissy fit at everybody. But, he got better. Dethklok envisioned life without Ganesh and Charles, and discussed their artistic vision, which includes guts and ice cream. Charles helped prepare Dick Knubbler's defense. Pickles had a smoke with a friend, and Ganesh prepared to cast a spell.
Shri Ganesha, Lord Remover of Obstacles, Lord of the Ganas, Lord of Beginnings, Lord of Letters, as well as part-time Lord of Destruction, strode down the corridor, head high, posture lithe and graceful as a dancer, his bare feet producing barely a whisper on hardwood floors smoothed by hundreds of prior traversals.
Where the fuck was he, anyway?
He halted. He looked around, calmly considering, for Lord Ganesh was a thoughtful man. He appeared to be onboard a large vehicle of some kind: likely an old fashioned ocean liner, judging from the graceful art deco lines that graced the corridor. He couldn’t smell the sea, however, nor feel the rolling of the deck. Odd.
It was not odd to find himself walking barefoot, but it was odd to see himself clad in pyjamas in public, not least of which because Sariel inevitably pilfered his loungewear. A dream? That or perhaps some sort of drug-induced hallucination? He considered. He hadn't really been toying with psychedelic drugs recently. A dream seemed more likely.
And then he smelt something that was definitely not salt sea air. Spicy ganga, musky dreadlocks. He turned to look up the corridor. There! Disappearing around the corner of the oddly empty, silent ship.
“Pickles!”
And he was off running, down to the corner. There it was, definitely red-haired, but once again, just a glimpse before the figure was gone again, through a doorway. Ganesh increased his pace, but the frustrating almost-seen experience simply repeated itself, until he finally burst through a finely wrought double doorway and found himself on deck.
There, off in the distance, a small school of whales, cavorting through the air. Pickles’ airship! Well, that made sense at least.
He stood at the railing for a moment, trying to put together what it all meant. It was then he noticed that he was not in fact completely alone. Farther down the deck stood a pair of passengers, a man and a woman, dressed in what looked like human 1930s-era fashions. He moved to go try and talk with them when he heard his name called.
“Ganesh!” came the voice again.
“You don’t need to shout, Basil, dear.”
“The boy’s not paying attention, Azalea.”
Ganesh looked up in wonder at the whales, three of them: a huge bull, and a smaller male and female. “Basil? Azalea? Mortimer? Is that you?”
“Well of course it’s us,” the biggest whale huffed. “Laying out a dreamspace just so we can have a mystical conversation.”
“You could call my cell,” reasoned Ganesh.
“Not the way things are done! Young people and their notions,” huffed Basil the Old One, for, though in cetacean form, it was most definitely he.
“So, you’re not elephants after all?” Ganesh asked them.
“This one is so slow. I told you he was slow Basil, didn’t I tell you?” asked the whale who was almost certainly Mortimer the Old One.
“No, dear,” Azalea the Old One told Ganesh. “We simply needed to focus our dimensional appearance to appropriately convey our majesty to you.”
“We’re BIG!” huffed Basil. “Damn awful big. Powerful too. Had to make that clear to your ma! And that’s what she thought of when she thought of big.”
“Well, that or the Himalayas, dearest,” mentioned Azalea. “But I just couldn’t bear appearing as an inanimate object again.”
“Yes, still scorched from the burning bush thing!” agreed Basil.
“Er,” said Ganesh, whose mind was already overtopped with questions. “I suppose I should ask first off for the message you wished to convey?”
“Oh, he hasn't gotten it yet, Basil. I warned you about this,” sighed Mortimer, who was already swimming off.
“Gotten what?” asked Ganesh.
“Ah, well, he's a little thick. We knew that,” said Basil.
“It's Pickles the Drummer,” offered Azalea.
“Pickles? What about him?” asked Ganesh.
“Well you're not doing a bloody good job of locating him, are you?” fumed Basil.
“We have plans in the works....”
“Sklar is tiring! Each day his arm grows weaker. What do you plan to do then, eh?” demanded Basil.
“Sklar?” asked Ganesh. The name was half-remembered. The library. He needed the library....
“How do you plan to deal with Azatoth, Ganesha?” helped Azalea.
“You deal with Azatoth, or there's someone else who will!” called Mortimer, who was already quite far away. “I warn you! Didn't I warn you? But nobody listens to Mortimer!” And then the whale sped away, accompanied now by Azalea and Basil.
“Wait,” said Ganesh, although he realized his call would be in vain. “Why can't you just text message me instead of going through the rigmarole?”
He gripped on the railing, still fuming at silly obscure deities, and looked down the deck. He saw the couple he had spotted down there earlier. Suddenly, the woman slumped over in what appeared to be a faint, the man catching her in his arms.
Ganesh, ever the physician, was sprinting down before he could think. He stopped short when he came in range to recognize them however.
It was Phanuel, holding in his arms Lady Hypnos.
“Honored Phanuel?” asked Ganesh.
“They are coming,” the Grey angel said sadly.
And then he was sitting up in bed, breathing hard, thin film of cold sweat covering his body.
“Huh. Isn’t it usually me doing this?” yawned Charles.
“Oh. I am sorry, dear. Did I wake you?”
“You were shouting.”
“I was?”
“In your dream,” explained Charles. “I hear really well since you cured me.” He experimentally reached over and rubbed Ganesh’s back with a couple fingers. “So, you have a wing attachment place, or what?”
“Er, no, actually.”
“Hrm,” said Charles. When Charles woke up from an occasional bad dream, Ganesh usually succeeded in calming him down with a nice back rub. “Hey, what about where those extra arms attach!” he said, now tracing his fingers down just below one of Ganesh’s armpits.
The god immediately stifled a loud giggle, bringing his arm protectively down to his side.
“Wow!”
“Don’t!” warned Ganesh.
“You are really ticklish! How did I not know this?”
“Sariel!”
But the angel was already up atop him, straddling him. “Sorry, I’m an angel, it’s my nature.” Charles grinned.
“So I’ve texted you the list of essentials for the summoning,” Ganesh told the phone a few hours later.
“Yes, it all checks out,” answered Elegba's sunny voice.
“Er. And when were you planning on attending?” Ganesh ventured.
“I'm not.”
Ganesh froze. He stared at the phone for a moment. “Er. I'm sorry?”
“You're doing this one without me,” Elegba told him. “Can't be a motherfucking student all your life, can you?”
“Er, well, I appreciate the sentiment,” said Ganesh. “But this one is rather important....”
“You'll be fine, boy! Just do one thing: get out of your own cocksucking head!”
Ganesh glowered. “I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what that means,” he said testily.
“You have too much going on in that motherfucking brain of yours. That's what fucks you up. Quit thinking and just do it.”
“Are you my Ifa mentor or a commercial for running shoes?” asked Ganesh darkly.
“Make me proud, you little cocksucker,” laughed Elegba. And then the line went dead.
Ganesh pushed the END CALL button. He stood for a while. “Madarchod,” he muttered. “Fucking gods can come suck my-”
“GANESH DUDE!”
“Hey, Ganoshes!”
Ganesh sighed. Although he rather liked the boys of Dethklok, if you had constructed a list of entities he would least like to encounter just now, Nathan Explosion and Skwisgaar Skwigelf might have scored terribly high on the rankings.
“Whoa, that's a lot of CANDLES! You planning a romantic evening or some shit? Only I guess you don't do GIRLS, do you? Do guys like candles and flowers and shit? Not that I wanna know what guys want, I was just asking to BE POLITE.”
“Nathan, I am going to perform a voodoo spell,” explained Ganesh, replacing the useless cell phone in a jacket pocket whilst juggling what was rather an impressive armload of candles.
“Hey, that's awesome! Like when you RUINED YOUR HOUSE? That was pretty metal, with all the blood and shit....”
“Yes. And I was just chided by my mentor – my teacher – that I think too much.”
“Well of course you don't wanna think! That's MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! Isn't it, Skwisgaar?”
“I ams never thinks,” averred the Swede. “Nots when I ams on stages. And maybes other times too.”
“Er. You boys don't think?” asked Ganesh.
“There's some shit too important to think!”
“When I ams performs, I ams da songs!” said Skwisgaar, running his fingers up and down his Gibson. “Ams like zens masturbations!”
“Surely,” said Ganesh, “You are exaggerating?”
“When you ams does da sexy dances on da balconage wit' Charles, you ams thinksing?” asked Skwisgaar.
“Well, of course I'm not thinking when I dance,” said Ganesh. “There's the music and....” He stopped short, once again jostling the candles in his arms.
Nathan regarded him for a moment. “So,” he asked with studied casualness, “you heard anything about, you know, Dick Knubber and that shit?”
“Yes, we need to get someone into Carpathians to investigate,” said Ganesh distractedly.
“Carpathians?” asked Nathan.
“Yes, and I'm too busy at present. I thank you boys for your wise counsel. I can speak on this matter later, but I must be off,” Ganesh told them, and then he was hurrying down the corridor.
“Invaginations?” asked Skwisgaar.
“Wise counsel?” grinned Nathan. “Huh.”
It was oddly like one of his dances, Charles thought, Ganesh moving gracefully around the room and humming. Charles gathered Elias protectively up in his arms, prayed the spell would work, prayed nothing would be destroyed (at least beyond the reach of his insurance policy) and prayed especially that he would not be asked to dance.
And then Ganesh was speaking into the mirror.
Charles redoubled his grip on a now squirming Elias.
And there was smoke.
And the smell of ozone….
“Whoa. Cool!”
Charles opened his eyes. He wasn’t quite certain what he had expected: perhaps he had shown the Caspar movie to Elias one too many times. But he was not at all prepared for the girl who appeared so suddenly in the room. He had thought perhaps she would look computer generated, like the Princess Leia hologram in Star Wars, all blue and flickering.
As he had happened so many times since re-encountering Anna, he felt lost for words.
Fortunately, Ganesh was rather filling the silence with a delighted patter.
“Welcome to our realm, Anna! I am Shri Ganesha! I am absolutely delighted to finally make your acquaintance!”
“Uh. Hello?” said Anna, taking his offered hand.
Elias had also scrambled off Charles’ lap and pattered down to take a look.
“Oh, and this is our little Boonie,” offered Ganesh.
“Shwee Bwama Bisnoo Maheswada Ewias ‘Goun Sen ‘Shel!” said the child.
“Oh. That’s that’s a mouthful,” commented Anna’s ghost.
“That’s why we just call him Boon,” said Charles.
“An DIS MANY!” announced Elias, holding up two fingers.
“Well, that’s pretty old,” Anna laughed, just as Elias turned on his heel and toddled off to some other important business. “Hey,” she added, now looking closely at Ganesh. “You’re Boon’s father?”
“Yes, Boon is our son!” puffed Ganesh proudly.
“BOON HAS TWO DADDIES?” Anna asked Charles. “I swear, you guys are so cool.”
“Uh,” said Charles, who was quickly interrupted by an insistent yipping, as Elias had just returned, accompanied by his wolf pup, Murgatroyd, and an armful of about half a dozen of his very favorite plush toys. The pup made a beeline for Anna, and then occupied himself by making a careful circle around her, seeming to be listening carefully and sniffing. At last he froze, and made a pointing gesture at her.
“Muggatoad!” announced Elias.
“Yes, that is the boy’s familiar, Murgatroyd,” explained Ganesh.
“Oh, like in the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons?” asked Anna.
“Yeah, they weren’t as good as the Warners, but they were OK,” said Charles.
Elias had begun depositing his toys on the floor in front of Anna and introducing them one by one. “Wunge! An Lelefun! An Wockty…”
“Oh, so you have a lot of friends!” said Anna pleasantly, crouching down to take a look.
“Uh-huh!”
“Uh, Boon, baby, maybe we don’t wanna overwhelm Anna right now with introductions?” Charles suggested, putting a hand lightly on the boy’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” said Anna, picking up Wunge and giving the little plush angel a curious once-over, causing Charles to blush slightly.
“Yes, we should probably show you to your quarters and make certain you are provided refreshment!” Ganesh bustled.
“I have a room?” Anna asked.
“Why, of course.”
“And, I need to eat stuff? I’m a ghost, right?” she asked, handing Wunge back to Elias and ruffing his hair as she stood.
“Yes, you are now a wraith! So it is terribly important that you are well fed, so you do not become hungry, and thus restless,” explained Ganesh, leading her out of the room.
“Huh. I guess there’s a lot I don’t know. I won’t have to drink blood, will I? I’m a vegan!”
“Blood? Oh, most certainly not. I have myself attempted to practice vegetarianism, though sadly I have lapsed somewhat in recent years. I thought perhaps some tea and cakes….”
“That was, uh, very nice of you to make Anna feel welcome,” Charles told Elias.
“Uh-huh! Boonie pwotect Nana!”
“You will? Well, that’s very nice,” sighed Charles, picking up the child. She was past protecting, he thought sadly. He looked over to where Murgatroyd was now yipping at the doorway.
“CHARLES!” boomed a very familiar voice.
“We’re in here Nathan,” Charles called, and very soon the lead singer had entered, followed very closely by Skwisgaar and his Gibson.
“WHAT THE FUCK have you been doing in here?” rumbled Nathan.
Charles looked around at the candles, blood and pentagrams. “Oh. Uh. Summoning a spirit, actually,” he told Nathan, not truly believing it himself.
“You’re kidding me!” said Nathan. “That’s FUCKING AWESOME!” Nathan prowled around the room a bit as Skwisgaar remained slouched by the doorway, idly finger his guitar. “This must be where GANESH DUDE took the candles. Seriously, could we use this on an album cover or some shit? It’s pretty metal. What kind of spirit did you summon? Was it vengeful? Maybe something with two heads and fangs dripping poison blood.”
“Uh,” said Charles.
“Yes, I have always thought the use of paneer analogous to soy protein such as tofu in some cuisines.” Ganesh was telling Anna as they both sipped something from mugs. “As long as the animals are not ill treated…. Oh, hello boys!” Ganesh looked them over curiously. “Might I introduce Mordhaus’ newest resident, Anna.”
“Hellos, lovely ladies. I ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf, da fastest and famous-est geetarist in da worlds,” the guitarist told her, using his most suave form of address.
“Uh. Hi,” Anna told him.
“What?” said Nathan, who literally spun around in a circle.
“The, uh, spirit we summoned, like we were just saying Nathan?” ventured Charles, who wondered if the singer had perhaps been dipping into some of Pickles’ stash.
“Nat’ans? Ams you blinds? Da girls!” said Skwisgaar.
“Can you see her, Nathan?” Ganesh asked, thin smile on his face.
Nathan lurched over in Anna's direction like a person stumbling around at 3 am after a power outage, arms out ahead of himself. And then, to everyone’s surprise, including his own, he walked right on through her.
“Ewww! That was weird!” said Anna.
“What the fuck,” said Nathan, who looked as if he had just received a bad chill.
“Nathan, can’t you see her?” Charles asked.
“This is splendid!” said Ganesh, who had gripped a still slightly discombobulated Nathan by the shoulder and was flashing a light into his eyes. “Yes, Nathan is human, so, as we expected, he cannot see her. This means she will be able to walk the human world unobserved.”
“I ams da gods,” Skwisgaar bragged to Anna, who looked more puzzled than impressed.
“Hey, could you flash that in my eye again? That was cool,” Nathan was telling Ganesh, who looked confused.
“We should probably take care when we introduce you,” Ganesh advised Anna.
“Uh, was there a specific reason you guys needed to see me?” Charles asked Nathan, who was still trying to snatch away Ganesh’s flashlight. Ganesh somewhat irritably put the light away in his jacket pocket.
“Huh?” said Nathan. “Reason we’re here? Uhhhhh….”
“You ams needs da magicksal invaginations! Changoose and Orballa ams tells us when we ams downs dere for tea.”
“Uh, you guys have tea with Chango and Orula now?”
“Ja, why nots?”
“Sure,” said Charles, who was surprised at himself that anything, anywhere could surprise him nowadays.
“And I ams da worlds greatest magicksal investigator,” he purred, looking at Anna, not Charles.
“Uh,” began Charles somewhat irritably positioning himself between Skwisgaar and Anna.
“That is actually a quite brilliant idea!” said Ganesh.
“It is?” asked Charles.
“It ams?” repeated Skwisgaar.
“Yes, I am not entirely sure why we had not thought of it,” said Ganesh. “Could you boys take a look round Carpathians? DO NOT attempt to make any type of pursuit at this time,” he warned Skwisgaar sternly.
“Pffft,” grumbled the Swede.
“You think this is a good idea?” asked Charles, who had to agree, it probably was a good idea, but who was nevertheless a bit peeved at being overruled.
“Our overriding concern is whether there has been some alien form of magic present. Skwisgaar is certainly an excellent choice for ascertaining that. And we might hasten to get someone on the trail before the evidence fades.”
“Yeah, but….” said Charles. “Look, you guys promise, you limit this to looking around Knubbler’s place, right?”
“Ja, pffft,” grumbled Skwisgaar in a not terribly convincing manner.
“Yeah, of course, we’re real PROFESSIONALS at this detective business!” announced Nathan.
“Why don't I debrief the boys, and you can discuss with Anna what we hope to be her first assignment?” suggested Ganesh, who was, annoyingly, already leading Nathan and Skwisgaar out of the room. “Come, we'll all have a bit of tea,” he told Elias as he grabbed the boy from Charles.
“An bie?” inquired Elias.
“Yeah, we need pie. AND CHIPS. Investigating is hungry work,” Nathan said.
Charles scowled after the departing crowd, Murgatroyd nipping at their heels.
“So, uh, that's your band? That's Dethklok?”
“Well, two of 'em,” he told Anna. “Sorry if they come on a little strong.” He looked around. “Come on. Why don't we go talk in my office? It's a little messy in here.” They walked out into the corridor. It was empty except for the sound of retreating voices. In order to minimize any potential damage, Charles had insisted Ganesh stage the summoning in a lesser used wing of Mordhaus.
“So, Nathan can't see me?” she asked. “Will other people be able to see me?”
“No. At least not for now. Ganesh tells me you might be able to master the trick of appearing to humans. But not for now.”
“When Skwisgaar said he was a god....”
“Skwisgaar is Wotan's son. He's half-god, actually.”
“He's literally a rock god?” asked Anna, astonished.
“Yes. Yes he is.”
She was silent for a long moment. “And so he's part angel too?”
“Oh, no,” Charles explained. “Raziel is just his step-mom. They actually don't always get along so well. You know, mixed families.”
“Gods have that too?”
“Yeah. We have everything. But Raziel's kids with Wotan are part angel, and my son, Boon, is too.”
“This is really confusing.”
“I'm actually only part angel too,” Charles told her.
“You're only part angel?”
“My mom was an angel. My Papa is a pirate,” grinned Charles, not exactly certain why he was telling her all of this.
There were soft voices up ahead. They turned a corner, and Klokateers appeared, milling around the corridor, doing whatever it was Klokateers did.
“WHY IS EVERYBODY UPSIDE DOWN?” said Anna, who was suddenly clutching Charles’ arm.
“Oh. Uh, ‘cause we’re presently walking up on the ceiling,” Charles informed her.
Anna looked around frantically. “Can they see up my skirt?”
“Heh. That’s what Raziel always worries about. No, you’re OK.”
Anna’s grip loosened somewhat. She looked down and gulped. “How do we get down?”
“Oh, that’s pretty easy. I’ll show you one way. Just walk. Come on.” Still holding Charles’ elbow, Anna cautiously went along as they crossed the ceiling, then walked right down the wall and back to the floor.
Anna exhaled, her puff of air blowing papers. “How the … heck did we do that?”
“Well, it’s actually different for you and me. Sorry, I thought you knew. But I guess you’re new at this, huh? So, angels don’t really have to obey laws of gravity.” He shrugged as they continued walking. “Ganesh thinks it’s because the Creator couldn’t figure out how to make our wings work, so he just got lazy. Anyway, gravity is a pretty weak force, so it’s easy to avoid it. Now, you, you might get a better answer from Ganesh, but my understanding is that you don’t really have a substantial body, you’re just a projection of what you want us to see. So, uh,” he said, thinking for an analogy. “You know those guys in The Matrix?”
“Like an avatar?” Anna asked.
“Yeah! Kind of like that. But, don’t go dodging any bullets just yet, OK?” They had arrived at the door of his office, and he indicated that she should go inside.
“So, um, Ganesh?” she asked. She was staring up at the elaborate light fixture on the ceiling.
“My little joke,” he said, nodding upwards. “Yeah, what about Ganesh?”
“He’s, he’s a movie star, right?” she asked, thumping down into a chair. “An Indian movie star? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him in something!”
Charles stifled a laugh. He sat at his desk, idly shuffling some papers. “Uh, he’s a god actually.”
“No!”
Charles shrugged, trying to keep from smiling.
“Your boyfriend is a god?”
“Husband,” smiled Charles, flashing his ring with a small bit of smugness.
“Oh! Sorry! I guess I didn’t pay a lot of attention when I was, you know, alive.”
“That’s OK. It probably all seemed very dumb to you.”
Had Anna still been alive, she may have blushed. “So, your sister is married to Odin, right? So you angels and gods all know each other? Like celebrities?”
“Actually, people don’t much like angels. We’re not very likeable. But that’s changing. Slowly.”
“And Ganesh knows a lot of stuff?”
“He is actually a god of learning!” Charles told her. “He's got a lot of duties. A busy guy.” Anna looked skeptical. “What?”
“Well,” she said leaning forward. “He's really cute.”
“He’s smart too,” Charles assured her. He patted his stomach and leaned forward too, whispering, “He was chubby as a kid.”
“Ooooooooh!” said Anna, suddenly nodding.
“Anyway,” said Charles, leaning back and steepling his hands, “I wanted to tell you what we hoped you could do for us. I know you're new, but Ganesh thinks it's gonna be pretty straightforward for you. And, well, it's unfortunately kind of urgent. A friend of ours is in trouble. Big trouble. And we suspect someone’s been using magic on him.”
Anna leaned forward.
“So, this is pretty cool. Out investigating stuff. Like, you know, those old Scooby Doo cartoons?”
“Scrabbly Doodles? What ams dat?” muttered Skwisgaar, who continued, annoyingly, to stare at the wall.
Nathan sighed. It had sounded like a really awesome idea to go along when Skwisgaar was doing whatever the fuck it was he did with the magical stuff. Nathan hadn’t really been to Dick’s “castle” before, but he had watched Connie Conehead reporting, and it was supposed to be all creepy and shit. It sounded pretty metal.
But, compared to Mordhaus – well, no disrespect to the producer, but it didn’t look too much different from the Explosion family house in Florida, maybe with a couple extra rooms, a fountain, and a couple suits of armor. Seriously. The dude could have done better for himself. He didn’t even seem to have a dungeon. What the fuck?
“So,you ‘bout done here, Skwisgaar?” asked Nathan for the hundredth time.
“Somet’ings ams not makes sense,” said Skwisgaar. “Dis trail ams leads nowheres!”
“Eh, well, they said it was magic and shit. I suppose they cast a big spell or something.”
“No, I shoulds have been ables to see dat,” muttered Skwisgaar, who had been poking around the same damned fireplace for like infinity now.
There were a couple of horrible golden decorative candle-holders mounted on the wall by the fireplace. Charles had always told Nathan angels loved glittery shit. Knubbler’s mansion was filled with this kind of crap. It was supposed to be a baby angel or something. Yuck. Now, if it had been a golden demons, or maybe some grinning skulls, that would have actually been kinda cool.
“C’mon, Skwisgaar, maybe we could tell them-“ Nathan started, hooking a hand onto the candle holder, which easily turned down in his hand.
Causing the entire fireplace to rotate out a half turn out, revealing a hidden passageway.
“Oh. Uh. Oops!” said Nathan. He began to crank the candleholder back into place. The fireplace creaked. Skwisgaar was there, holding his arm.
“Come on, Nat’ans,” said Skwisgaar, venturing inside the passageway like a hound on a trail.
“Uhhhhh, I thought Charles told us stay inside THE HOUSE,” said Nathan.
“Pfft! You see dis? Dis ams definitelies insides da house!” Skwisgaar pointed out.
Nathan sighed and went after the guitarist, pausing a moment at the entranceway. Someone had hung a string of garlic on a hook just inside. “What is this shit, some kind of PANTRY?” asked Nathan. And then he disappeared too into the darkness.
After a moment, the fireplace creaked again, and slowly rotated back around, closing with a final thump after the two musicians, sealing them in.
Anna blinked and looked around.
“Coooool!”
And then covered her mouth. She looked around to make sure no one had heard, even though Charles had told her if they couldn’t see her, they almost certainly couldn’t hear.
It was really fucking weird, like being in a movie or something. First she had gotten to ride in a limo, which was pretty cool. Some kids had done it for prom night, but this was a real celebrity limo in LA. And the building they had brought her to was pretty neat too, like the set of one of those old black and white movies.
And then, well, she just had to walk in, being careful no one saw her opening or closing a door or moving shit around. This was more like a dream than being in a movie. She could see and hear everything that was going on (and down here, she could sure as hell smell it), but nobody seemed to pay her any mind. She was tempted a couple of times to do something silly like wave her hand in front of somebody's face, but Charles had been pretty adamant that she sneak in and sneak out and no funny business.
So, anyway, she had made it to the refrigerated room now. She had expected a bunch of steel drawers, like on the CSI TV shows, but it was just a bunch of big metal racks like you’d see at the Home Depot or something.
And the bodies. They all had white bags wrapped tightly around them, but it was pretty clear from the stench what they were. She had to wait until there was no one around, of course, to actually move anything. As soon as it was all clear, though, she pulled out one of the sliding metal shelves. Wow. This was just like TV.
They had given her the tag number. The bodies really had toe tags! She looked around a bit. Whoever was stocking the shelves, she thought darkly, really needed a lesson in how to keep things in order. She would have been reamed by her boss back at the music store for making such a mess.
Weird. It seemed like yesterday, she was clerking in a shit music store in a shithole town of a shithole state in the middle of nowhere. And now she was all rocking the Nancy Drew thing for the manager of Dethklok!
Well, she was dead, that was true. But that was pretty fucking goth, when you thought of it.
Oh, the tag! And that weird name, Lavona. Anna was glad the body was on a shelf at about her chest height. She didn't want to try that walking on the ceiling shit again soon. She sneaked a look again to make sure she was alone and then, quietly as she could, pulled out the metal shelf.
It looked like.... She suppressed a giggle. Actually, wrapped up like that, with the big head and little feet, it looked like a gigantic sperm.
Ganesh wanted her to look at the neck for some reason, so she started unwrapping the bag at the head end. She was prepared for a hideous skull staring back at her. She would be OK.
But something seemed funny.
Something literally didn't smell right.
Curious, she unpeeled the last layer.
“EW!”
The group was dispersing, shuffling out of the dreary meeting room and down the dreary corridor to the dreary rec room.
Pickles waited for her. He held up the cigarette pack and inclined his head.
“Comin' out fer a smoke?”
To his surprise, Lavona shook her head.
“Yoo shure?”
She irritably readjusted the scarf she always kept wrapped around her neck. She always acted as if the building was really cold. It wasn't but, you know, sometimes chicks were more sensitive to that kind of thing.
“I haff gott a sunburn the other day,” she complained.
“Wut. Really dood?”
“I am sensitive, lately. I vill vait until after sundown. Den maybe I vill go wit you?” she proposed.
“Yeah, okee, mebbe later,” he allowed. He watched her waft down the hallway, get lost in the crowd of other losers, and then he wandered on outside.
Maybe she was telling the truth, or maybe she was pissed at him for some reason. He wasn't really sure, but he was a bit troubled. She was the closest thing he had to a friend in here, even though she was obviously crazy as a loon. That Baconology crap! Did she really believe all that bullshit? Saa'itii, the space hog. Space hog! Like the Muppets! (She hadn't thought that comment was particularly funny though.)
He liked the story about the drummer, though, he thought as he found a seat on the bench and pulled out a smoke. Everything started with a beat. Well, that seemed reasonable. They said you could actually hear him, the drummer. Sort of like Charles and Raziel could hear the angels singing from anywhere, Pickles guessed.
Funny, now that Pickles recalled it. Charles had tried to show him the angels a couple times – or rather, let him listen in. But Pickles couldn't seem to do it. He always ended up hearing what he supposed was Charles' heartbeat interfering.
He considered his cigarette, suddenly, and for the first time in days, wishing he had something a little stronger.
Actually, being Pickles, he did.
Looking slyly side to side, he switched positions, to sit cross-legged up on the bench. And then, acting as casual as possible, he tugged on the hem of one pantleg. He extracted a small snack-sized Ziploc baggie from where it had been sewn in. A yellowy powder of some kind. Like a mad cook, he sprinkled the powder right over the top of his cigarette, and then rolled the bag and expertly stuffed it back in the hem.
He took a puff, leaning back, his arms on the back of the bench.
What did Ganesh always say about meditating? Oh, clear your mind. You have too much in your head.
Ha! He would’ve liked to see Ganesh try that one on Skwisgaar. He grinned a Pickles grin.
He closed his eyes. Listening to the nothingness.
The rhythm of the universe.
The drumbeat of the universe.
Nice, easy rhythm. Swingtime. A big band. Black and white movie. Jazz men. Neon signs flashing. Flashing in rhythm.
Flashing neon.
Flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon and Pickles was up off the bench and then he was down on the concrete floor writhing in the grand mal until two of the attendants ran out and literally sat down on top of him and forced the towel into his mouth….
“No one heard me. And, um, I wrapped it back up and pushed the shelf back like you said. But.....”
Anna’s ghost was sitting in a guest chair in Charles' office.
“What you saw, you think it was entirely constructed of this?” asked Ganesh, sitting beside her. He held the stem and leaves she had brought back.
“All I wanted to see! Ugh! Made me not wanna be a vegetarian any more!” Anna told him. “I mean, the body, it just kind of decomposed, you know? Into some kind of … plant … stuff.”
“What is the motherfucking problem!” demanded Papa Jacque, who had just appeared in the office.
“Ulp!” said Anna, who was not yet used to people appearing out of thin air.
“Oh, hello there my dear!” said Jacque. “Didn’t wanna cause a motherfucking fright!”
“Papa, this is Anna,” said Charles, sitting quietly behind his desk.
“Anna! Are you a spirit of the departed, my dear? Charmed I'm sure,” said Jacque, extending a hand. “Call me Jacque! Everyone does.”
“Yes, I summoned her,” bragged Ganesh.
“Oh, and didn't blow up the wing this time?” laughed Jacque. Ganesh frowned, but Jacque clapped him on the shoulder. “What's this?” asked Jacque, pointing to the plant in Ganesh's hand.
“We sent Anna to check out Lavona's body at the morgue,” Charles told him. “This is what she found.”
“A motherfucking banana leaf?” said Jacque, picking up the stem. “Boys, you got a cocksucking Aswang, is what you got!” he said, shaking it.
“Great,” sighed Charles.
“Well, at least we have a positive identification,” said Ganesh. “Speaking of which, have Skwisgaar and Nathan reported back?”
“No. Should they have?” asked Charles. Charles sighed again, more deeply: Ganesh’s expression told him all he needed to know.
“Daddy!” Charles smiled faintly as Elias barreled into the room and made straight for his lap.
“Did you make this? Let’s take a look,” said Charles, taking the drawing Elias handed him.
“Eliasch deschigned a new Planet Pissch logo!” said Murderface, rather needlessly, from the doorway.
Charles nodded, willing himself to not ask Murderface whether or not he had actually gone to the trouble of registering the name. He looked up at where Elias’s wolf, Murgatroyd was performing the same odd ritual with Anna that he had the other day: the dog sniffed and listened around her, and then went into a point.
“Ah, little cocksucker senses spirits!” said Jacque.
“What do you mean?” asked Anna.
“Ah!” said Ganesh. “I hadn’t picked up on that, Jacque! Yes. You see, he probably can’t actually see Anna….”
“They tend to be blind as bats,” said Jacque.
“But he senses her presence!” concluded Ganesh.
Anna reached over and experimentally scratched Murgatroyd behind the ears. The little pup spun around, seeming confused. She tried again, and this time, he leaned into it, closing his eyes.
Charles suddenly leaned back, snapping his fingers. “Papa! Do you think Murgatroyd could track down a couple of complete idiots?”
“So he had a secret passageway and all and it led HERE? Knubbler was a weird guy, but, boy, he was a WEIRD GUY,” noted Nathan Explosion.
“Ams da sausage festival,” muttered Skwisgaar, who looked around, confused as well.
A butcher shop? There was pretty clearly a magical trail leading here, Skwisgaar thought, and it was that same, weird signature he had seen splashed around Knubbler’s place. This place was pretty saturated: maybe a magical creature had worked here?
But, cutting meat? “Did Knubblers really likes da hams sandwiches snackses?” Skwisgaar wondered aloud.
“Well, you never know with these magical guys!” said Nathan. “Look at Charles and his FUCKING PIES.”
“Hey, you know, dat ams trues!” Skwisgaar looked up. “Hey,you ams hears dat?”
“Whoa,” said Nathan, who definitely did: like the beat of wings. But not the soft sound of angel wings. This sounded … slithery.
But as they listened, the flapping noise, at first loud, grew fainter and fainter, until it was just a whisper, somewhere off in the distance.
“I t’ink hims ams getting away – AAAARGH!” said Skwisgaar, who was quite suddenly confronted with a huge figure looming over him, sick albino bat wings spread, horrible bloodshot eyes staring into his.
“Fuck!” said Nathan, who, sensing danger, grabbed the first thing nearby: a dry Genoa salami. He gave whatever the fuck it was a sound smack on the noggin. Unfortunately, that only seemed to anger it, and it now turned its full attentions to him, opening wide the cruel fanged mouth and hissing. The scent of death was on its breath.
Nathan, who thought this would all be awesome cool if it weren’t also sort of scary, rammed the salami into the creature’s mouth. It choked but then bit it off and spat it out, now charging Nathan.
“Aw, shit,” said the lead singer.
Then suddenly there was a flash of wings: black and leathery this time. The white demon let out a scream as it was knocked down beneath the bulk of William Murderface in his black Draugur Form.
“Get off me. GET OFF ME!” the white thing wailed.
“Isch it becausche I’m fat?” grumbled Murderface, who was just as sensitive to body image issues in this Form. He folded his arms but did not move from where he sat atop the demon.
“You guys all right?” asked Charles, who had just charged into the room along with a yapping little dog and a lot of other people.
“I … I ams t’inks so,” whispered Skwisgaar, who was white as the monster.
“I’m not all right!” wailed the monster. “Get this … thing off me.”
“Schticksch and schtonesch,” growled demon Murderface, yellow eyes flashing.
“What are you anyway?”
“I am a Draugur,” said Murderface, with no little hint of pride.
“Ewwww! So tacky and mainstream!”
“It was trying to EAT US, Charles!” Nathan told him. “I mean, not in a sexual way, although I did put a sausage in its mouth, now that I think of it,” he continued, holding up the ¾ bit of the Genoa salaim. “Which is a little weird.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t have eaten you too!” snorted the monster. “What is your body fat content, anyway? I’m watching my cholesterol.”
“I ams not fats,” grumbled Skwisgaar, who nonetheless pinched his own waist.
“Is this, er, fellow an Aswang, Jacque?” asked Ganesh, who was crouching down next to him looking supremely puzzled.
“Oh, hi!” said the Aswang, who suddenly sounded a lot less cross. “I’m Alabaster! Have we met?”
“I should say not,” Ganesh told him.
“Look, Al,” began Jacque.
“Don’t call me Al!” whined Alabaster.
“What’s your real name, anyway?” asked Jacque.
Alabaster sighed a monstery sigh. “Alberic. But that’s sooooo mainstream.”
“Kids,” sighed Jacque. “Look, you little motherfucker, whatever you’re calling yourself, this is one of my son’s musicians, and you are insulting him!”
“Yesch,” agreed Murderface.
“And furthermore, we think you were fucking with our friend, Dick Knubbler!” said Charles.
“You need to fucking ‘fess up,” said Jacque.
“Before we get fucking angry,” added Charles.
“Isn’t one of you supposed to be the GOOD cop?” whined Alabaster, looking between Charles and Jacque.
“Why the fuck would we do that?” grumbled Jacque.
“All right, all right, if this will make this tiresome business any briefer, I shall be good cop,” announced Ganesh. “I am Shri Ganesha, vice Lord of Destruction, and if you fail to cooperate, I shall have no problem reducing your vampire corpse to ashes!”
“THAT’S NOT BEING A GOOD COP! Though at least you’re easy on the eyes. Do you come here often?” flirted Alabaster.
“Oh for…” said an exasperated Ganesh.
“He’s my husband, you little idiot,” grumbled Charles.
“He’s with YOU?” asked Alabaster. “Really? Not that guy?” he asked, pointing to Skwisgaar. “I mean, he’s really a thin fat person, but at least he’s pretty.”
“I ams not fats!” protested Skwisgaar.
Anna, who had remained quiet, was now hunkering down curiously next to the odd being who called himself Alabaster. She put a hand on her own stomach, which had started rumbling. It was passing strange to still get hungry as a ghost. She reminded herself to ask Shri Ganesha for some more of those nice tea cakes when this was done.
She tried standing up, but felt faint, and found herself falling.
But then, she didn’t stop falling….
“Anna!” said Charles. “What the hell just happened?”
Suddenly, Alabaster was stirring. He gave out a cry, and Murderface, to his own surprise, was knocked to the ground as Alabaster sat up bolt upright and let out an unearthly scream.
“Stand back! EVERYBODY!” shouted Ganesh.
“What is-“ began Nathan.
“SILENCE!” bellowed the god, and for once, Nathan listened.
The butcher shop had grown dark and cold, except for Alabaster, who now actually seemed to glow.
“Anna,” said Ganesh, very quietly. “Come here, dear. Walk over to me.”
Alabaster looked confused, and then suddenly seemed to split in two. One half fell over in a dead faint, while the other stood, and slowly resolved back into Anna.
“I’m … hungry,” she whispered as she took Ganesh’s hand.
“Yes, I am so sorry,” he told her, as the lights slowly came up again. “I should have thought of that. Let’s get you back, all right?”
“Yeah. Yeah,” she said.
“Is this thing gonna be all right?” Charles asked, pointing to an unconscious Alabaster.
“I’m certain he is fine. We may have, by chance, gotten all the information we need from him,” he said, patting Anna on the arm.
“You should probably hold him at your place, just to be safe!” Jacque told Charles.
“Yeah,” nodded Charles, who was already going for his phone.
“Holy fuck!” said Anna, looking Ganesh up and down. “You’re an elephant!”
“Why, yes,” smiled Ganesh, I am an elephant god.”
“Oh! My friend had your tattoo on her back!”
“Well. Isn’t that nice.”
“It was right above her ass crack,” babbled Anna.
Charles stifled a snort as Ganesh sighed and disappeared along with Anna.
“You guys still got the car here?” Charles asked. Nathan and Skwisgaar nodded. “Papa, could you take the boys back to Carpathians? I’ll stay here to watch this guy.”
Jacque jerked his head, and what there was of Dethklok followed him back into the secret passageway that lead to Dick Knubbler’s mansion.
“So what the fuck was up with the creepy guy? He was annoying,” commented Nathan.
“Aswang,” Jacque told him. “They’re a sort of poor man’s vampire. Usually female, in my experience, so this one is a bit of an odd motherfucking duck.”
“Are they powerful?” said Nathan, who hoped they were at the very least brutal and metal.
“Mostly pests. They only go against the defenseless: pregnant women, little children. I’ve had ‘em come aboard ship. Attracted to the cured meat, they are.”
“Buncha asschholes, if you asschk me,” grumbled Murderface, who had folded himself back into his human Form.
“That about says it,” nodded Jacque. “But if somebody lets themselves get bit, you have a hell of a cocksucking time cleaning up.”
“Hey!” said Nathan, as they had arrived back where they started. “There used to be a fireplace here!” There was now nothing but a gaping hole and a bit of rubble in Dick Knubbler’s living room.
“Ganesha, boys. He’s Lord Remover of Obstacles, remember? Doesn’t let a little thing like that stand in his way.”
“But there was a real cool release and everything,” sighed Nathan, now pulling uselessly on the candlestick holder. “It was like Scooby Doo.”
“Dick won’t be needing this schit any more anyway,” said Murderface. “Now, where did you park my fucking car?”
Nathan huffed, and led the way outside.
Skwisgaar remained behind a moment, sighing deeply.
“Pffft! I ams not fats!” he grumbled.
Later that evening, Charles saw Ganesh beckoning to him from the doorway, and so entered her room. It did actually look like a girl's room: or at least a room a girl wouldn't mind staying in, he thought. He wondered if Raziel had helped with the decorating.
Anna was sitting on the couch, throw pillow clutched to her stomach, but looking a lot more substantial than a few hours ago. He noticed there were teacups and the remainders of some cakes on the table.
“Oh. I'm, um, sorry I kinda freaked out there!” she told Charles.
“As I have explained, it was strictly my fault for forgetting you hadn't eaten!” protested Ganesh.
“You're fine,” said Charles softly, sitting down next to her. “And you did really well. At the morgue.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah, I should have said something. I get caught up in stuff sometimes.” He shrugged.
“Did you wanna hear about that weird albino guy?” she asked.
Charles looked at Ganesh, who shook his head. “That's gonna wait for tomorrow. OK?”
“You have a peaceful night. Everything can wait on the morrow,” said Ganesh.
“On the morrow? Does he always talk like that?” Anna asked Charles, now slightly gushing again.
“Yeah, he does,” said Charles, rising, and thoughtlessly flicking back a piece of her hair as he did so. They shared a smile, and then Charles and Ganesh left the room.
“You know, I've been thinking,” said Charles once they had reached the corridor.
“Yes,” said Ganesh, quietly shutting the door. “I need speak with you about that.”
“This is actually going OK! And if we can get Anna to your Uncle....”
“We will endeavor to do so,” said Ganesh, frowning. “You know, Sariel, I am glad that my spell worked, and glad that you have been able to renew your acquaintance with Anna....”
“That's what I'm getting to! I know Brahma's not gonna be able to get her back full-grown the way he did with you,” said Charles.
“No,” said Ganesh.
“But, look, think about this, OK? You don't have to decide, but it's probably not great that we're bringing up Boon as an only child, right?”
“Sariel-”
“I know, I know. She's human. But we could figure it out! He'll be a little older, and there's always your house....”
“Sariel!”
Charles stopped walking and looked at Ganesh.
“My dearest,” said Ganesh.
“OK,” said Charles. “You start off like that, it's not gonna be good.”
“My dearest, I don't think you realize how our … process works. If Anna is to pass on, it is not for you, nor I, to know her fate.”
“What?”
“She will be sent somewhere, free of these entanglements. Free of us.”
Charles blinked, but did not say anything.
“I just....” Ganesh began. “I simply want you not to get too attached. I know you. I know how you are. Please remember, we are doing this for her? Any benefit to ourselves, it is a side matter. A very poor side matter.” Ganesh looked truly pained.
Charles stared at the ground, looked at Ganesh, and then barked at the floor, “Fucking Hindus!”
“Yes. Fucking Hindus.”
Charles crossed his arms defiantly. “Anyway. I'm not getting attached.”
“Of course not,” soothed Ganesh as they began walking again.
“I'm making her feel at home.”
“Of course you are, dear. Of course you are.” Tentatively, Ganesh put a hand out, very lightly, on Charles’ shoulder.
So you wanna know about the beginning? Oh, man, it was a scene. A swinging scene! And all the cats were there, man, everybody was there. Not like today, man, not like today. Everyone knew everyone. The men were men, and the ladies….
And we were the one thing, the only thing happening. Alpha and Omega man, beginning and ending.
The party place was Azatoth’s crib. Yeah, but he was never awake for the party! It was a big joke, man, the biggest.
All the ancients were there, swinging. Yeah, we were the oldest of the old, ne plus ultra! And there were no words, no, only music. Only music. Nothing to harsh the buzz. Nothing like today. Nothing like today.
But everything has to end sometime, right? The scene broke up, you know. We drifted. Off across the universe, to everywhere. And then some joker came up with words. Harshing our buzz, man! And with words came lies, and men, and worse.
And He struck out. He took His sister, I heard. Was gonna start again, not make no mistakes this time. Yeah, what a laugh, man, He was always too uptight. Too uptight.
Oh, you wanna know about Skarl? Yeah, I heard he’s getting tired of it all too. Too unmellow the scene. Unmellow. He says he’s gonna pack it in, but he’s been saying that for the past ten billion years.
And who are you again, dear? You’re looking mighty tasty. Mighty tasty. Oh, do come closer. Yes do. Right up here. Right up close. Oh yes. O yes we hunger. We hunger….
It was a swinging scene….
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ganesh has a vision, Mordhaus gets yet another new resident, Skwisgaar and Nathan play Scooby Gang, Pickles smokes something, the gang plays good cop/bad cop.
Warnings: Nothing much
Notes: Notes after the jump.
I lied. Looks like H&G is just gonna just post an artz (it's a good artz, but it didn't take me half an hour to read), so I'll stick this here for whenever you guys are up for it. Now if you'll 'scuse me, I got a 220-minute Hrithik Roshan movie to
In Mythklok no one can hear you scream.
So, last time: Charles ran into an old friend down in Purgatory, and then sort of had a hissy fit at everybody. But, he got better. Dethklok envisioned life without Ganesh and Charles, and discussed their artistic vision, which includes guts and ice cream. Charles helped prepare Dick Knubbler's defense. Pickles had a smoke with a friend, and Ganesh prepared to cast a spell.
Shri Ganesha, Lord Remover of Obstacles, Lord of the Ganas, Lord of Beginnings, Lord of Letters, as well as part-time Lord of Destruction, strode down the corridor, head high, posture lithe and graceful as a dancer, his bare feet producing barely a whisper on hardwood floors smoothed by hundreds of prior traversals.
Where the fuck was he, anyway?
He halted. He looked around, calmly considering, for Lord Ganesh was a thoughtful man. He appeared to be onboard a large vehicle of some kind: likely an old fashioned ocean liner, judging from the graceful art deco lines that graced the corridor. He couldn’t smell the sea, however, nor feel the rolling of the deck. Odd.
It was not odd to find himself walking barefoot, but it was odd to see himself clad in pyjamas in public, not least of which because Sariel inevitably pilfered his loungewear. A dream? That or perhaps some sort of drug-induced hallucination? He considered. He hadn't really been toying with psychedelic drugs recently. A dream seemed more likely.
And then he smelt something that was definitely not salt sea air. Spicy ganga, musky dreadlocks. He turned to look up the corridor. There! Disappearing around the corner of the oddly empty, silent ship.
“Pickles!”
And he was off running, down to the corner. There it was, definitely red-haired, but once again, just a glimpse before the figure was gone again, through a doorway. Ganesh increased his pace, but the frustrating almost-seen experience simply repeated itself, until he finally burst through a finely wrought double doorway and found himself on deck.
There, off in the distance, a small school of whales, cavorting through the air. Pickles’ airship! Well, that made sense at least.
He stood at the railing for a moment, trying to put together what it all meant. It was then he noticed that he was not in fact completely alone. Farther down the deck stood a pair of passengers, a man and a woman, dressed in what looked like human 1930s-era fashions. He moved to go try and talk with them when he heard his name called.
“Ganesh!” came the voice again.
“You don’t need to shout, Basil, dear.”
“The boy’s not paying attention, Azalea.”
Ganesh looked up in wonder at the whales, three of them: a huge bull, and a smaller male and female. “Basil? Azalea? Mortimer? Is that you?”
“Well of course it’s us,” the biggest whale huffed. “Laying out a dreamspace just so we can have a mystical conversation.”
“You could call my cell,” reasoned Ganesh.
“Not the way things are done! Young people and their notions,” huffed Basil the Old One, for, though in cetacean form, it was most definitely he.
“So, you’re not elephants after all?” Ganesh asked them.
“This one is so slow. I told you he was slow Basil, didn’t I tell you?” asked the whale who was almost certainly Mortimer the Old One.
“No, dear,” Azalea the Old One told Ganesh. “We simply needed to focus our dimensional appearance to appropriately convey our majesty to you.”
“We’re BIG!” huffed Basil. “Damn awful big. Powerful too. Had to make that clear to your ma! And that’s what she thought of when she thought of big.”
“Well, that or the Himalayas, dearest,” mentioned Azalea. “But I just couldn’t bear appearing as an inanimate object again.”
“Yes, still scorched from the burning bush thing!” agreed Basil.
“Er,” said Ganesh, whose mind was already overtopped with questions. “I suppose I should ask first off for the message you wished to convey?”
“Oh, he hasn't gotten it yet, Basil. I warned you about this,” sighed Mortimer, who was already swimming off.
“Gotten what?” asked Ganesh.
“Ah, well, he's a little thick. We knew that,” said Basil.
“It's Pickles the Drummer,” offered Azalea.
“Pickles? What about him?” asked Ganesh.
“Well you're not doing a bloody good job of locating him, are you?” fumed Basil.
“We have plans in the works....”
“Sklar is tiring! Each day his arm grows weaker. What do you plan to do then, eh?” demanded Basil.
“Sklar?” asked Ganesh. The name was half-remembered. The library. He needed the library....
“How do you plan to deal with Azatoth, Ganesha?” helped Azalea.
“You deal with Azatoth, or there's someone else who will!” called Mortimer, who was already quite far away. “I warn you! Didn't I warn you? But nobody listens to Mortimer!” And then the whale sped away, accompanied now by Azalea and Basil.
“Wait,” said Ganesh, although he realized his call would be in vain. “Why can't you just text message me instead of going through the rigmarole?”
He gripped on the railing, still fuming at silly obscure deities, and looked down the deck. He saw the couple he had spotted down there earlier. Suddenly, the woman slumped over in what appeared to be a faint, the man catching her in his arms.
Ganesh, ever the physician, was sprinting down before he could think. He stopped short when he came in range to recognize them however.
It was Phanuel, holding in his arms Lady Hypnos.
“Honored Phanuel?” asked Ganesh.
“They are coming,” the Grey angel said sadly.
And then he was sitting up in bed, breathing hard, thin film of cold sweat covering his body.
“Huh. Isn’t it usually me doing this?” yawned Charles.
“Oh. I am sorry, dear. Did I wake you?”
“You were shouting.”
“I was?”
“In your dream,” explained Charles. “I hear really well since you cured me.” He experimentally reached over and rubbed Ganesh’s back with a couple fingers. “So, you have a wing attachment place, or what?”
“Er, no, actually.”
“Hrm,” said Charles. When Charles woke up from an occasional bad dream, Ganesh usually succeeded in calming him down with a nice back rub. “Hey, what about where those extra arms attach!” he said, now tracing his fingers down just below one of Ganesh’s armpits.
The god immediately stifled a loud giggle, bringing his arm protectively down to his side.
“Wow!”
“Don’t!” warned Ganesh.
“You are really ticklish! How did I not know this?”
“Sariel!”
But the angel was already up atop him, straddling him. “Sorry, I’m an angel, it’s my nature.” Charles grinned.
“So I’ve texted you the list of essentials for the summoning,” Ganesh told the phone a few hours later.
“Yes, it all checks out,” answered Elegba's sunny voice.
“Er. And when were you planning on attending?” Ganesh ventured.
“I'm not.”
Ganesh froze. He stared at the phone for a moment. “Er. I'm sorry?”
“You're doing this one without me,” Elegba told him. “Can't be a motherfucking student all your life, can you?”
“Er, well, I appreciate the sentiment,” said Ganesh. “But this one is rather important....”
“You'll be fine, boy! Just do one thing: get out of your own cocksucking head!”
Ganesh glowered. “I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what that means,” he said testily.
“You have too much going on in that motherfucking brain of yours. That's what fucks you up. Quit thinking and just do it.”
“Are you my Ifa mentor or a commercial for running shoes?” asked Ganesh darkly.
“Make me proud, you little cocksucker,” laughed Elegba. And then the line went dead.
Ganesh pushed the END CALL button. He stood for a while. “Madarchod,” he muttered. “Fucking gods can come suck my-”
“GANESH DUDE!”
“Hey, Ganoshes!”
Ganesh sighed. Although he rather liked the boys of Dethklok, if you had constructed a list of entities he would least like to encounter just now, Nathan Explosion and Skwisgaar Skwigelf might have scored terribly high on the rankings.
“Whoa, that's a lot of CANDLES! You planning a romantic evening or some shit? Only I guess you don't do GIRLS, do you? Do guys like candles and flowers and shit? Not that I wanna know what guys want, I was just asking to BE POLITE.”
“Nathan, I am going to perform a voodoo spell,” explained Ganesh, replacing the useless cell phone in a jacket pocket whilst juggling what was rather an impressive armload of candles.
“Hey, that's awesome! Like when you RUINED YOUR HOUSE? That was pretty metal, with all the blood and shit....”
“Yes. And I was just chided by my mentor – my teacher – that I think too much.”
“Well of course you don't wanna think! That's MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! Isn't it, Skwisgaar?”
“I ams never thinks,” averred the Swede. “Nots when I ams on stages. And maybes other times too.”
“Er. You boys don't think?” asked Ganesh.
“There's some shit too important to think!”
“When I ams performs, I ams da songs!” said Skwisgaar, running his fingers up and down his Gibson. “Ams like zens masturbations!”
“Surely,” said Ganesh, “You are exaggerating?”
“When you ams does da sexy dances on da balconage wit' Charles, you ams thinksing?” asked Skwisgaar.
“Well, of course I'm not thinking when I dance,” said Ganesh. “There's the music and....” He stopped short, once again jostling the candles in his arms.
Nathan regarded him for a moment. “So,” he asked with studied casualness, “you heard anything about, you know, Dick Knubber and that shit?”
“Yes, we need to get someone into Carpathians to investigate,” said Ganesh distractedly.
“Carpathians?” asked Nathan.
“Yes, and I'm too busy at present. I thank you boys for your wise counsel. I can speak on this matter later, but I must be off,” Ganesh told them, and then he was hurrying down the corridor.
“Invaginations?” asked Skwisgaar.
“Wise counsel?” grinned Nathan. “Huh.”
It was oddly like one of his dances, Charles thought, Ganesh moving gracefully around the room and humming. Charles gathered Elias protectively up in his arms, prayed the spell would work, prayed nothing would be destroyed (at least beyond the reach of his insurance policy) and prayed especially that he would not be asked to dance.
And then Ganesh was speaking into the mirror.
Charles redoubled his grip on a now squirming Elias.
And there was smoke.
And the smell of ozone….
“Whoa. Cool!”
Charles opened his eyes. He wasn’t quite certain what he had expected: perhaps he had shown the Caspar movie to Elias one too many times. But he was not at all prepared for the girl who appeared so suddenly in the room. He had thought perhaps she would look computer generated, like the Princess Leia hologram in Star Wars, all blue and flickering.
As he had happened so many times since re-encountering Anna, he felt lost for words.
Fortunately, Ganesh was rather filling the silence with a delighted patter.
“Welcome to our realm, Anna! I am Shri Ganesha! I am absolutely delighted to finally make your acquaintance!”
“Uh. Hello?” said Anna, taking his offered hand.
Elias had also scrambled off Charles’ lap and pattered down to take a look.
“Oh, and this is our little Boonie,” offered Ganesh.
“Shwee Bwama Bisnoo Maheswada Ewias ‘Goun Sen ‘Shel!” said the child.
“Oh. That’s that’s a mouthful,” commented Anna’s ghost.
“That’s why we just call him Boon,” said Charles.
“An DIS MANY!” announced Elias, holding up two fingers.
“Well, that’s pretty old,” Anna laughed, just as Elias turned on his heel and toddled off to some other important business. “Hey,” she added, now looking closely at Ganesh. “You’re Boon’s father?”
“Yes, Boon is our son!” puffed Ganesh proudly.
“BOON HAS TWO DADDIES?” Anna asked Charles. “I swear, you guys are so cool.”
“Uh,” said Charles, who was quickly interrupted by an insistent yipping, as Elias had just returned, accompanied by his wolf pup, Murgatroyd, and an armful of about half a dozen of his very favorite plush toys. The pup made a beeline for Anna, and then occupied himself by making a careful circle around her, seeming to be listening carefully and sniffing. At last he froze, and made a pointing gesture at her.
“Muggatoad!” announced Elias.
“Yes, that is the boy’s familiar, Murgatroyd,” explained Ganesh.
“Oh, like in the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons?” asked Anna.
“Yeah, they weren’t as good as the Warners, but they were OK,” said Charles.
Elias had begun depositing his toys on the floor in front of Anna and introducing them one by one. “Wunge! An Lelefun! An Wockty…”
“Oh, so you have a lot of friends!” said Anna pleasantly, crouching down to take a look.
“Uh-huh!”
“Uh, Boon, baby, maybe we don’t wanna overwhelm Anna right now with introductions?” Charles suggested, putting a hand lightly on the boy’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” said Anna, picking up Wunge and giving the little plush angel a curious once-over, causing Charles to blush slightly.
“Yes, we should probably show you to your quarters and make certain you are provided refreshment!” Ganesh bustled.
“I have a room?” Anna asked.
“Why, of course.”
“And, I need to eat stuff? I’m a ghost, right?” she asked, handing Wunge back to Elias and ruffing his hair as she stood.
“Yes, you are now a wraith! So it is terribly important that you are well fed, so you do not become hungry, and thus restless,” explained Ganesh, leading her out of the room.
“Huh. I guess there’s a lot I don’t know. I won’t have to drink blood, will I? I’m a vegan!”
“Blood? Oh, most certainly not. I have myself attempted to practice vegetarianism, though sadly I have lapsed somewhat in recent years. I thought perhaps some tea and cakes….”
“That was, uh, very nice of you to make Anna feel welcome,” Charles told Elias.
“Uh-huh! Boonie pwotect Nana!”
“You will? Well, that’s very nice,” sighed Charles, picking up the child. She was past protecting, he thought sadly. He looked over to where Murgatroyd was now yipping at the doorway.
“CHARLES!” boomed a very familiar voice.
“We’re in here Nathan,” Charles called, and very soon the lead singer had entered, followed very closely by Skwisgaar and his Gibson.
“WHAT THE FUCK have you been doing in here?” rumbled Nathan.
Charles looked around at the candles, blood and pentagrams. “Oh. Uh. Summoning a spirit, actually,” he told Nathan, not truly believing it himself.
“You’re kidding me!” said Nathan. “That’s FUCKING AWESOME!” Nathan prowled around the room a bit as Skwisgaar remained slouched by the doorway, idly finger his guitar. “This must be where GANESH DUDE took the candles. Seriously, could we use this on an album cover or some shit? It’s pretty metal. What kind of spirit did you summon? Was it vengeful? Maybe something with two heads and fangs dripping poison blood.”
“Uh,” said Charles.
“Yes, I have always thought the use of paneer analogous to soy protein such as tofu in some cuisines.” Ganesh was telling Anna as they both sipped something from mugs. “As long as the animals are not ill treated…. Oh, hello boys!” Ganesh looked them over curiously. “Might I introduce Mordhaus’ newest resident, Anna.”
“Hellos, lovely ladies. I ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf, da fastest and famous-est geetarist in da worlds,” the guitarist told her, using his most suave form of address.
“Uh. Hi,” Anna told him.
“What?” said Nathan, who literally spun around in a circle.
“The, uh, spirit we summoned, like we were just saying Nathan?” ventured Charles, who wondered if the singer had perhaps been dipping into some of Pickles’ stash.
“Nat’ans? Ams you blinds? Da girls!” said Skwisgaar.
“Can you see her, Nathan?” Ganesh asked, thin smile on his face.
Nathan lurched over in Anna's direction like a person stumbling around at 3 am after a power outage, arms out ahead of himself. And then, to everyone’s surprise, including his own, he walked right on through her.
“Ewww! That was weird!” said Anna.
“What the fuck,” said Nathan, who looked as if he had just received a bad chill.
“Nathan, can’t you see her?” Charles asked.
“This is splendid!” said Ganesh, who had gripped a still slightly discombobulated Nathan by the shoulder and was flashing a light into his eyes. “Yes, Nathan is human, so, as we expected, he cannot see her. This means she will be able to walk the human world unobserved.”
“I ams da gods,” Skwisgaar bragged to Anna, who looked more puzzled than impressed.
“Hey, could you flash that in my eye again? That was cool,” Nathan was telling Ganesh, who looked confused.
“We should probably take care when we introduce you,” Ganesh advised Anna.
“Uh, was there a specific reason you guys needed to see me?” Charles asked Nathan, who was still trying to snatch away Ganesh’s flashlight. Ganesh somewhat irritably put the light away in his jacket pocket.
“Huh?” said Nathan. “Reason we’re here? Uhhhhh….”
“You ams needs da magicksal invaginations! Changoose and Orballa ams tells us when we ams downs dere for tea.”
“Uh, you guys have tea with Chango and Orula now?”
“Ja, why nots?”
“Sure,” said Charles, who was surprised at himself that anything, anywhere could surprise him nowadays.
“And I ams da worlds greatest magicksal investigator,” he purred, looking at Anna, not Charles.
“Uh,” began Charles somewhat irritably positioning himself between Skwisgaar and Anna.
“That is actually a quite brilliant idea!” said Ganesh.
“It is?” asked Charles.
“It ams?” repeated Skwisgaar.
“Yes, I am not entirely sure why we had not thought of it,” said Ganesh. “Could you boys take a look round Carpathians? DO NOT attempt to make any type of pursuit at this time,” he warned Skwisgaar sternly.
“Pffft,” grumbled the Swede.
“You think this is a good idea?” asked Charles, who had to agree, it probably was a good idea, but who was nevertheless a bit peeved at being overruled.
“Our overriding concern is whether there has been some alien form of magic present. Skwisgaar is certainly an excellent choice for ascertaining that. And we might hasten to get someone on the trail before the evidence fades.”
“Yeah, but….” said Charles. “Look, you guys promise, you limit this to looking around Knubbler’s place, right?”
“Ja, pffft,” grumbled Skwisgaar in a not terribly convincing manner.
“Yeah, of course, we’re real PROFESSIONALS at this detective business!” announced Nathan.
“Why don't I debrief the boys, and you can discuss with Anna what we hope to be her first assignment?” suggested Ganesh, who was, annoyingly, already leading Nathan and Skwisgaar out of the room. “Come, we'll all have a bit of tea,” he told Elias as he grabbed the boy from Charles.
“An bie?” inquired Elias.
“Yeah, we need pie. AND CHIPS. Investigating is hungry work,” Nathan said.
Charles scowled after the departing crowd, Murgatroyd nipping at their heels.
“So, uh, that's your band? That's Dethklok?”
“Well, two of 'em,” he told Anna. “Sorry if they come on a little strong.” He looked around. “Come on. Why don't we go talk in my office? It's a little messy in here.” They walked out into the corridor. It was empty except for the sound of retreating voices. In order to minimize any potential damage, Charles had insisted Ganesh stage the summoning in a lesser used wing of Mordhaus.
“So, Nathan can't see me?” she asked. “Will other people be able to see me?”
“No. At least not for now. Ganesh tells me you might be able to master the trick of appearing to humans. But not for now.”
“When Skwisgaar said he was a god....”
“Skwisgaar is Wotan's son. He's half-god, actually.”
“He's literally a rock god?” asked Anna, astonished.
“Yes. Yes he is.”
She was silent for a long moment. “And so he's part angel too?”
“Oh, no,” Charles explained. “Raziel is just his step-mom. They actually don't always get along so well. You know, mixed families.”
“Gods have that too?”
“Yeah. We have everything. But Raziel's kids with Wotan are part angel, and my son, Boon, is too.”
“This is really confusing.”
“I'm actually only part angel too,” Charles told her.
“You're only part angel?”
“My mom was an angel. My Papa is a pirate,” grinned Charles, not exactly certain why he was telling her all of this.
There were soft voices up ahead. They turned a corner, and Klokateers appeared, milling around the corridor, doing whatever it was Klokateers did.
“WHY IS EVERYBODY UPSIDE DOWN?” said Anna, who was suddenly clutching Charles’ arm.
“Oh. Uh, ‘cause we’re presently walking up on the ceiling,” Charles informed her.
Anna looked around frantically. “Can they see up my skirt?”
“Heh. That’s what Raziel always worries about. No, you’re OK.”
Anna’s grip loosened somewhat. She looked down and gulped. “How do we get down?”
“Oh, that’s pretty easy. I’ll show you one way. Just walk. Come on.” Still holding Charles’ elbow, Anna cautiously went along as they crossed the ceiling, then walked right down the wall and back to the floor.
Anna exhaled, her puff of air blowing papers. “How the … heck did we do that?”
“Well, it’s actually different for you and me. Sorry, I thought you knew. But I guess you’re new at this, huh? So, angels don’t really have to obey laws of gravity.” He shrugged as they continued walking. “Ganesh thinks it’s because the Creator couldn’t figure out how to make our wings work, so he just got lazy. Anyway, gravity is a pretty weak force, so it’s easy to avoid it. Now, you, you might get a better answer from Ganesh, but my understanding is that you don’t really have a substantial body, you’re just a projection of what you want us to see. So, uh,” he said, thinking for an analogy. “You know those guys in The Matrix?”
“Like an avatar?” Anna asked.
“Yeah! Kind of like that. But, don’t go dodging any bullets just yet, OK?” They had arrived at the door of his office, and he indicated that she should go inside.
“So, um, Ganesh?” she asked. She was staring up at the elaborate light fixture on the ceiling.
“My little joke,” he said, nodding upwards. “Yeah, what about Ganesh?”
“He’s, he’s a movie star, right?” she asked, thumping down into a chair. “An Indian movie star? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him in something!”
Charles stifled a laugh. He sat at his desk, idly shuffling some papers. “Uh, he’s a god actually.”
“No!”
Charles shrugged, trying to keep from smiling.
“Your boyfriend is a god?”
“Husband,” smiled Charles, flashing his ring with a small bit of smugness.
“Oh! Sorry! I guess I didn’t pay a lot of attention when I was, you know, alive.”
“That’s OK. It probably all seemed very dumb to you.”
Had Anna still been alive, she may have blushed. “So, your sister is married to Odin, right? So you angels and gods all know each other? Like celebrities?”
“Actually, people don’t much like angels. We’re not very likeable. But that’s changing. Slowly.”
“And Ganesh knows a lot of stuff?”
“He is actually a god of learning!” Charles told her. “He's got a lot of duties. A busy guy.” Anna looked skeptical. “What?”
“Well,” she said leaning forward. “He's really cute.”
“He’s smart too,” Charles assured her. He patted his stomach and leaned forward too, whispering, “He was chubby as a kid.”
“Ooooooooh!” said Anna, suddenly nodding.
“Anyway,” said Charles, leaning back and steepling his hands, “I wanted to tell you what we hoped you could do for us. I know you're new, but Ganesh thinks it's gonna be pretty straightforward for you. And, well, it's unfortunately kind of urgent. A friend of ours is in trouble. Big trouble. And we suspect someone’s been using magic on him.”
Anna leaned forward.
“So, this is pretty cool. Out investigating stuff. Like, you know, those old Scooby Doo cartoons?”
“Scrabbly Doodles? What ams dat?” muttered Skwisgaar, who continued, annoyingly, to stare at the wall.
Nathan sighed. It had sounded like a really awesome idea to go along when Skwisgaar was doing whatever the fuck it was he did with the magical stuff. Nathan hadn’t really been to Dick’s “castle” before, but he had watched Connie Conehead reporting, and it was supposed to be all creepy and shit. It sounded pretty metal.
But, compared to Mordhaus – well, no disrespect to the producer, but it didn’t look too much different from the Explosion family house in Florida, maybe with a couple extra rooms, a fountain, and a couple suits of armor. Seriously. The dude could have done better for himself. He didn’t even seem to have a dungeon. What the fuck?
“So,you ‘bout done here, Skwisgaar?” asked Nathan for the hundredth time.
“Somet’ings ams not makes sense,” said Skwisgaar. “Dis trail ams leads nowheres!”
“Eh, well, they said it was magic and shit. I suppose they cast a big spell or something.”
“No, I shoulds have been ables to see dat,” muttered Skwisgaar, who had been poking around the same damned fireplace for like infinity now.
There were a couple of horrible golden decorative candle-holders mounted on the wall by the fireplace. Charles had always told Nathan angels loved glittery shit. Knubbler’s mansion was filled with this kind of crap. It was supposed to be a baby angel or something. Yuck. Now, if it had been a golden demons, or maybe some grinning skulls, that would have actually been kinda cool.
“C’mon, Skwisgaar, maybe we could tell them-“ Nathan started, hooking a hand onto the candle holder, which easily turned down in his hand.
Causing the entire fireplace to rotate out a half turn out, revealing a hidden passageway.
“Oh. Uh. Oops!” said Nathan. He began to crank the candleholder back into place. The fireplace creaked. Skwisgaar was there, holding his arm.
“Come on, Nat’ans,” said Skwisgaar, venturing inside the passageway like a hound on a trail.
“Uhhhhh, I thought Charles told us stay inside THE HOUSE,” said Nathan.
“Pfft! You see dis? Dis ams definitelies insides da house!” Skwisgaar pointed out.
Nathan sighed and went after the guitarist, pausing a moment at the entranceway. Someone had hung a string of garlic on a hook just inside. “What is this shit, some kind of PANTRY?” asked Nathan. And then he disappeared too into the darkness.
After a moment, the fireplace creaked again, and slowly rotated back around, closing with a final thump after the two musicians, sealing them in.
Anna blinked and looked around.
“Coooool!”
And then covered her mouth. She looked around to make sure no one had heard, even though Charles had told her if they couldn’t see her, they almost certainly couldn’t hear.
It was really fucking weird, like being in a movie or something. First she had gotten to ride in a limo, which was pretty cool. Some kids had done it for prom night, but this was a real celebrity limo in LA. And the building they had brought her to was pretty neat too, like the set of one of those old black and white movies.
And then, well, she just had to walk in, being careful no one saw her opening or closing a door or moving shit around. This was more like a dream than being in a movie. She could see and hear everything that was going on (and down here, she could sure as hell smell it), but nobody seemed to pay her any mind. She was tempted a couple of times to do something silly like wave her hand in front of somebody's face, but Charles had been pretty adamant that she sneak in and sneak out and no funny business.
So, anyway, she had made it to the refrigerated room now. She had expected a bunch of steel drawers, like on the CSI TV shows, but it was just a bunch of big metal racks like you’d see at the Home Depot or something.
And the bodies. They all had white bags wrapped tightly around them, but it was pretty clear from the stench what they were. She had to wait until there was no one around, of course, to actually move anything. As soon as it was all clear, though, she pulled out one of the sliding metal shelves. Wow. This was just like TV.
They had given her the tag number. The bodies really had toe tags! She looked around a bit. Whoever was stocking the shelves, she thought darkly, really needed a lesson in how to keep things in order. She would have been reamed by her boss back at the music store for making such a mess.
Weird. It seemed like yesterday, she was clerking in a shit music store in a shithole town of a shithole state in the middle of nowhere. And now she was all rocking the Nancy Drew thing for the manager of Dethklok!
Well, she was dead, that was true. But that was pretty fucking goth, when you thought of it.
Oh, the tag! And that weird name, Lavona. Anna was glad the body was on a shelf at about her chest height. She didn't want to try that walking on the ceiling shit again soon. She sneaked a look again to make sure she was alone and then, quietly as she could, pulled out the metal shelf.
It looked like.... She suppressed a giggle. Actually, wrapped up like that, with the big head and little feet, it looked like a gigantic sperm.
Ganesh wanted her to look at the neck for some reason, so she started unwrapping the bag at the head end. She was prepared for a hideous skull staring back at her. She would be OK.
But something seemed funny.
Something literally didn't smell right.
Curious, she unpeeled the last layer.
“EW!”
The group was dispersing, shuffling out of the dreary meeting room and down the dreary corridor to the dreary rec room.
Pickles waited for her. He held up the cigarette pack and inclined his head.
“Comin' out fer a smoke?”
To his surprise, Lavona shook her head.
“Yoo shure?”
She irritably readjusted the scarf she always kept wrapped around her neck. She always acted as if the building was really cold. It wasn't but, you know, sometimes chicks were more sensitive to that kind of thing.
“I haff gott a sunburn the other day,” she complained.
“Wut. Really dood?”
“I am sensitive, lately. I vill vait until after sundown. Den maybe I vill go wit you?” she proposed.
“Yeah, okee, mebbe later,” he allowed. He watched her waft down the hallway, get lost in the crowd of other losers, and then he wandered on outside.
Maybe she was telling the truth, or maybe she was pissed at him for some reason. He wasn't really sure, but he was a bit troubled. She was the closest thing he had to a friend in here, even though she was obviously crazy as a loon. That Baconology crap! Did she really believe all that bullshit? Saa'itii, the space hog. Space hog! Like the Muppets! (She hadn't thought that comment was particularly funny though.)
He liked the story about the drummer, though, he thought as he found a seat on the bench and pulled out a smoke. Everything started with a beat. Well, that seemed reasonable. They said you could actually hear him, the drummer. Sort of like Charles and Raziel could hear the angels singing from anywhere, Pickles guessed.
Funny, now that Pickles recalled it. Charles had tried to show him the angels a couple times – or rather, let him listen in. But Pickles couldn't seem to do it. He always ended up hearing what he supposed was Charles' heartbeat interfering.
He considered his cigarette, suddenly, and for the first time in days, wishing he had something a little stronger.
Actually, being Pickles, he did.
Looking slyly side to side, he switched positions, to sit cross-legged up on the bench. And then, acting as casual as possible, he tugged on the hem of one pantleg. He extracted a small snack-sized Ziploc baggie from where it had been sewn in. A yellowy powder of some kind. Like a mad cook, he sprinkled the powder right over the top of his cigarette, and then rolled the bag and expertly stuffed it back in the hem.
He took a puff, leaning back, his arms on the back of the bench.
What did Ganesh always say about meditating? Oh, clear your mind. You have too much in your head.
Ha! He would’ve liked to see Ganesh try that one on Skwisgaar. He grinned a Pickles grin.
He closed his eyes. Listening to the nothingness.
The rhythm of the universe.
The drumbeat of the universe.
Nice, easy rhythm. Swingtime. A big band. Black and white movie. Jazz men. Neon signs flashing. Flashing in rhythm.
Flashing neon.
Flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon flashing neon and Pickles was up off the bench and then he was down on the concrete floor writhing in the grand mal until two of the attendants ran out and literally sat down on top of him and forced the towel into his mouth….
“No one heard me. And, um, I wrapped it back up and pushed the shelf back like you said. But.....”
Anna’s ghost was sitting in a guest chair in Charles' office.
“What you saw, you think it was entirely constructed of this?” asked Ganesh, sitting beside her. He held the stem and leaves she had brought back.
“All I wanted to see! Ugh! Made me not wanna be a vegetarian any more!” Anna told him. “I mean, the body, it just kind of decomposed, you know? Into some kind of … plant … stuff.”
“What is the motherfucking problem!” demanded Papa Jacque, who had just appeared in the office.
“Ulp!” said Anna, who was not yet used to people appearing out of thin air.
“Oh, hello there my dear!” said Jacque. “Didn’t wanna cause a motherfucking fright!”
“Papa, this is Anna,” said Charles, sitting quietly behind his desk.
“Anna! Are you a spirit of the departed, my dear? Charmed I'm sure,” said Jacque, extending a hand. “Call me Jacque! Everyone does.”
“Yes, I summoned her,” bragged Ganesh.
“Oh, and didn't blow up the wing this time?” laughed Jacque. Ganesh frowned, but Jacque clapped him on the shoulder. “What's this?” asked Jacque, pointing to the plant in Ganesh's hand.
“We sent Anna to check out Lavona's body at the morgue,” Charles told him. “This is what she found.”
“A motherfucking banana leaf?” said Jacque, picking up the stem. “Boys, you got a cocksucking Aswang, is what you got!” he said, shaking it.
“Great,” sighed Charles.
“Well, at least we have a positive identification,” said Ganesh. “Speaking of which, have Skwisgaar and Nathan reported back?”
“No. Should they have?” asked Charles. Charles sighed again, more deeply: Ganesh’s expression told him all he needed to know.
“Daddy!” Charles smiled faintly as Elias barreled into the room and made straight for his lap.
“Did you make this? Let’s take a look,” said Charles, taking the drawing Elias handed him.
“Eliasch deschigned a new Planet Pissch logo!” said Murderface, rather needlessly, from the doorway.
Charles nodded, willing himself to not ask Murderface whether or not he had actually gone to the trouble of registering the name. He looked up at where Elias’s wolf, Murgatroyd was performing the same odd ritual with Anna that he had the other day: the dog sniffed and listened around her, and then went into a point.
“Ah, little cocksucker senses spirits!” said Jacque.
“What do you mean?” asked Anna.
“Ah!” said Ganesh. “I hadn’t picked up on that, Jacque! Yes. You see, he probably can’t actually see Anna….”
“They tend to be blind as bats,” said Jacque.
“But he senses her presence!” concluded Ganesh.
Anna reached over and experimentally scratched Murgatroyd behind the ears. The little pup spun around, seeming confused. She tried again, and this time, he leaned into it, closing his eyes.
Charles suddenly leaned back, snapping his fingers. “Papa! Do you think Murgatroyd could track down a couple of complete idiots?”
“So he had a secret passageway and all and it led HERE? Knubbler was a weird guy, but, boy, he was a WEIRD GUY,” noted Nathan Explosion.
“Ams da sausage festival,” muttered Skwisgaar, who looked around, confused as well.
A butcher shop? There was pretty clearly a magical trail leading here, Skwisgaar thought, and it was that same, weird signature he had seen splashed around Knubbler’s place. This place was pretty saturated: maybe a magical creature had worked here?
But, cutting meat? “Did Knubblers really likes da hams sandwiches snackses?” Skwisgaar wondered aloud.
“Well, you never know with these magical guys!” said Nathan. “Look at Charles and his FUCKING PIES.”
“Hey, you know, dat ams trues!” Skwisgaar looked up. “Hey,you ams hears dat?”
“Whoa,” said Nathan, who definitely did: like the beat of wings. But not the soft sound of angel wings. This sounded … slithery.
But as they listened, the flapping noise, at first loud, grew fainter and fainter, until it was just a whisper, somewhere off in the distance.
“I t’ink hims ams getting away – AAAARGH!” said Skwisgaar, who was quite suddenly confronted with a huge figure looming over him, sick albino bat wings spread, horrible bloodshot eyes staring into his.
“Fuck!” said Nathan, who, sensing danger, grabbed the first thing nearby: a dry Genoa salami. He gave whatever the fuck it was a sound smack on the noggin. Unfortunately, that only seemed to anger it, and it now turned its full attentions to him, opening wide the cruel fanged mouth and hissing. The scent of death was on its breath.
Nathan, who thought this would all be awesome cool if it weren’t also sort of scary, rammed the salami into the creature’s mouth. It choked but then bit it off and spat it out, now charging Nathan.
“Aw, shit,” said the lead singer.
Then suddenly there was a flash of wings: black and leathery this time. The white demon let out a scream as it was knocked down beneath the bulk of William Murderface in his black Draugur Form.
“Get off me. GET OFF ME!” the white thing wailed.
“Isch it becausche I’m fat?” grumbled Murderface, who was just as sensitive to body image issues in this Form. He folded his arms but did not move from where he sat atop the demon.
“You guys all right?” asked Charles, who had just charged into the room along with a yapping little dog and a lot of other people.
“I … I ams t’inks so,” whispered Skwisgaar, who was white as the monster.
“I’m not all right!” wailed the monster. “Get this … thing off me.”
“Schticksch and schtonesch,” growled demon Murderface, yellow eyes flashing.
“What are you anyway?”
“I am a Draugur,” said Murderface, with no little hint of pride.
“Ewwww! So tacky and mainstream!”
“It was trying to EAT US, Charles!” Nathan told him. “I mean, not in a sexual way, although I did put a sausage in its mouth, now that I think of it,” he continued, holding up the ¾ bit of the Genoa salaim. “Which is a little weird.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t have eaten you too!” snorted the monster. “What is your body fat content, anyway? I’m watching my cholesterol.”
“I ams not fats,” grumbled Skwisgaar, who nonetheless pinched his own waist.
“Is this, er, fellow an Aswang, Jacque?” asked Ganesh, who was crouching down next to him looking supremely puzzled.
“Oh, hi!” said the Aswang, who suddenly sounded a lot less cross. “I’m Alabaster! Have we met?”
“I should say not,” Ganesh told him.
“Look, Al,” began Jacque.
“Don’t call me Al!” whined Alabaster.
“What’s your real name, anyway?” asked Jacque.
Alabaster sighed a monstery sigh. “Alberic. But that’s sooooo mainstream.”
“Kids,” sighed Jacque. “Look, you little motherfucker, whatever you’re calling yourself, this is one of my son’s musicians, and you are insulting him!”
“Yesch,” agreed Murderface.
“And furthermore, we think you were fucking with our friend, Dick Knubbler!” said Charles.
“You need to fucking ‘fess up,” said Jacque.
“Before we get fucking angry,” added Charles.
“Isn’t one of you supposed to be the GOOD cop?” whined Alabaster, looking between Charles and Jacque.
“Why the fuck would we do that?” grumbled Jacque.
“All right, all right, if this will make this tiresome business any briefer, I shall be good cop,” announced Ganesh. “I am Shri Ganesha, vice Lord of Destruction, and if you fail to cooperate, I shall have no problem reducing your vampire corpse to ashes!”
“THAT’S NOT BEING A GOOD COP! Though at least you’re easy on the eyes. Do you come here often?” flirted Alabaster.
“Oh for…” said an exasperated Ganesh.
“He’s my husband, you little idiot,” grumbled Charles.
“He’s with YOU?” asked Alabaster. “Really? Not that guy?” he asked, pointing to Skwisgaar. “I mean, he’s really a thin fat person, but at least he’s pretty.”
“I ams not fats!” protested Skwisgaar.
Anna, who had remained quiet, was now hunkering down curiously next to the odd being who called himself Alabaster. She put a hand on her own stomach, which had started rumbling. It was passing strange to still get hungry as a ghost. She reminded herself to ask Shri Ganesha for some more of those nice tea cakes when this was done.
She tried standing up, but felt faint, and found herself falling.
But then, she didn’t stop falling….
“Anna!” said Charles. “What the hell just happened?”
Suddenly, Alabaster was stirring. He gave out a cry, and Murderface, to his own surprise, was knocked to the ground as Alabaster sat up bolt upright and let out an unearthly scream.
“Stand back! EVERYBODY!” shouted Ganesh.
“What is-“ began Nathan.
“SILENCE!” bellowed the god, and for once, Nathan listened.
The butcher shop had grown dark and cold, except for Alabaster, who now actually seemed to glow.
“Anna,” said Ganesh, very quietly. “Come here, dear. Walk over to me.”
Alabaster looked confused, and then suddenly seemed to split in two. One half fell over in a dead faint, while the other stood, and slowly resolved back into Anna.
“I’m … hungry,” she whispered as she took Ganesh’s hand.
“Yes, I am so sorry,” he told her, as the lights slowly came up again. “I should have thought of that. Let’s get you back, all right?”
“Yeah. Yeah,” she said.
“Is this thing gonna be all right?” Charles asked, pointing to an unconscious Alabaster.
“I’m certain he is fine. We may have, by chance, gotten all the information we need from him,” he said, patting Anna on the arm.
“You should probably hold him at your place, just to be safe!” Jacque told Charles.
“Yeah,” nodded Charles, who was already going for his phone.
“Holy fuck!” said Anna, looking Ganesh up and down. “You’re an elephant!”
“Why, yes,” smiled Ganesh, I am an elephant god.”
“Oh! My friend had your tattoo on her back!”
“Well. Isn’t that nice.”
“It was right above her ass crack,” babbled Anna.
Charles stifled a snort as Ganesh sighed and disappeared along with Anna.
“You guys still got the car here?” Charles asked. Nathan and Skwisgaar nodded. “Papa, could you take the boys back to Carpathians? I’ll stay here to watch this guy.”
Jacque jerked his head, and what there was of Dethklok followed him back into the secret passageway that lead to Dick Knubbler’s mansion.
“So what the fuck was up with the creepy guy? He was annoying,” commented Nathan.
“Aswang,” Jacque told him. “They’re a sort of poor man’s vampire. Usually female, in my experience, so this one is a bit of an odd motherfucking duck.”
“Are they powerful?” said Nathan, who hoped they were at the very least brutal and metal.
“Mostly pests. They only go against the defenseless: pregnant women, little children. I’ve had ‘em come aboard ship. Attracted to the cured meat, they are.”
“Buncha asschholes, if you asschk me,” grumbled Murderface, who had folded himself back into his human Form.
“That about says it,” nodded Jacque. “But if somebody lets themselves get bit, you have a hell of a cocksucking time cleaning up.”
“Hey!” said Nathan, as they had arrived back where they started. “There used to be a fireplace here!” There was now nothing but a gaping hole and a bit of rubble in Dick Knubbler’s living room.
“Ganesha, boys. He’s Lord Remover of Obstacles, remember? Doesn’t let a little thing like that stand in his way.”
“But there was a real cool release and everything,” sighed Nathan, now pulling uselessly on the candlestick holder. “It was like Scooby Doo.”
“Dick won’t be needing this schit any more anyway,” said Murderface. “Now, where did you park my fucking car?”
Nathan huffed, and led the way outside.
Skwisgaar remained behind a moment, sighing deeply.
“Pffft! I ams not fats!” he grumbled.
Later that evening, Charles saw Ganesh beckoning to him from the doorway, and so entered her room. It did actually look like a girl's room: or at least a room a girl wouldn't mind staying in, he thought. He wondered if Raziel had helped with the decorating.
Anna was sitting on the couch, throw pillow clutched to her stomach, but looking a lot more substantial than a few hours ago. He noticed there were teacups and the remainders of some cakes on the table.
“Oh. I'm, um, sorry I kinda freaked out there!” she told Charles.
“As I have explained, it was strictly my fault for forgetting you hadn't eaten!” protested Ganesh.
“You're fine,” said Charles softly, sitting down next to her. “And you did really well. At the morgue.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah, I should have said something. I get caught up in stuff sometimes.” He shrugged.
“Did you wanna hear about that weird albino guy?” she asked.
Charles looked at Ganesh, who shook his head. “That's gonna wait for tomorrow. OK?”
“You have a peaceful night. Everything can wait on the morrow,” said Ganesh.
“On the morrow? Does he always talk like that?” Anna asked Charles, now slightly gushing again.
“Yeah, he does,” said Charles, rising, and thoughtlessly flicking back a piece of her hair as he did so. They shared a smile, and then Charles and Ganesh left the room.
“You know, I've been thinking,” said Charles once they had reached the corridor.
“Yes,” said Ganesh, quietly shutting the door. “I need speak with you about that.”
“This is actually going OK! And if we can get Anna to your Uncle....”
“We will endeavor to do so,” said Ganesh, frowning. “You know, Sariel, I am glad that my spell worked, and glad that you have been able to renew your acquaintance with Anna....”
“That's what I'm getting to! I know Brahma's not gonna be able to get her back full-grown the way he did with you,” said Charles.
“No,” said Ganesh.
“But, look, think about this, OK? You don't have to decide, but it's probably not great that we're bringing up Boon as an only child, right?”
“Sariel-”
“I know, I know. She's human. But we could figure it out! He'll be a little older, and there's always your house....”
“Sariel!”
Charles stopped walking and looked at Ganesh.
“My dearest,” said Ganesh.
“OK,” said Charles. “You start off like that, it's not gonna be good.”
“My dearest, I don't think you realize how our … process works. If Anna is to pass on, it is not for you, nor I, to know her fate.”
“What?”
“She will be sent somewhere, free of these entanglements. Free of us.”
Charles blinked, but did not say anything.
“I just....” Ganesh began. “I simply want you not to get too attached. I know you. I know how you are. Please remember, we are doing this for her? Any benefit to ourselves, it is a side matter. A very poor side matter.” Ganesh looked truly pained.
Charles stared at the ground, looked at Ganesh, and then barked at the floor, “Fucking Hindus!”
“Yes. Fucking Hindus.”
Charles crossed his arms defiantly. “Anyway. I'm not getting attached.”
“Of course not,” soothed Ganesh as they began walking again.
“I'm making her feel at home.”
“Of course you are, dear. Of course you are.” Tentatively, Ganesh put a hand out, very lightly, on Charles’ shoulder.
So you wanna know about the beginning? Oh, man, it was a scene. A swinging scene! And all the cats were there, man, everybody was there. Not like today, man, not like today. Everyone knew everyone. The men were men, and the ladies….
And we were the one thing, the only thing happening. Alpha and Omega man, beginning and ending.
The party place was Azatoth’s crib. Yeah, but he was never awake for the party! It was a big joke, man, the biggest.
All the ancients were there, swinging. Yeah, we were the oldest of the old, ne plus ultra! And there were no words, no, only music. Only music. Nothing to harsh the buzz. Nothing like today. Nothing like today.
But everything has to end sometime, right? The scene broke up, you know. We drifted. Off across the universe, to everywhere. And then some joker came up with words. Harshing our buzz, man! And with words came lies, and men, and worse.
And He struck out. He took His sister, I heard. Was gonna start again, not make no mistakes this time. Yeah, what a laugh, man, He was always too uptight. Too uptight.
Oh, you wanna know about Skarl? Yeah, I heard he’s getting tired of it all too. Too unmellow the scene. Unmellow. He says he’s gonna pack it in, but he’s been saying that for the past ten billion years.
And who are you again, dear? You’re looking mighty tasty. Mighty tasty. Oh, do come closer. Yes do. Right up here. Right up close. Oh yes. O yes we hunger. We hunger….
It was a swinging scene….
