Kicker of Elves (Mythklok Seasonal)
Dec. 15th, 2011 08:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: Kicker of Elves (Mythklok Seasonal)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Wotan shares a Yuletide tradition, and the gang goes on a wild elf hunt
Warnings: Snotty elves, goats
Notes: No chapter this week. Sahry. Been doing stuff. The title refers to a Guided by Voices song. They're a band. You don't know them.
“Nathan?”
“Yeah what?”
“Toki?”
“Ja!”
“William?”
“Why are you yelling at usch?”
“I'M NOT YELLING! I mean, I'm not yelling.” Charles sighed and, slumping down in his office chair, put his head in his hands. He looked up. “I simply want to know why my child – my child – has been … painted GOLD?” he said, his voice slightly breaking at the last word.
Elias looked up, smiling brightly, and flapped his little pair more or less golden wings, thus leaving tiny flecks of golden paint all over the side of Charles' desk.
“Because the dye WOULDN'T WORK!” protested Nathan.
“We schoaked him for hoursch. Angel wingsch are a difficult medium!” added Murderface.
“OK. All right. May I ask.... What were you boys trying to achieve?”
“We ams needed da angels for da Yule tree!” Toki piped up, smiling as brightly as Elias.
“WHAT?” said Charles.
“Yelling!” scolded Murderface.
Charles removed his eyeglasses and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to keep them from shooting out of their sockets from pure, compressed rage. “My child … is not … a tree topper.”
“But he loves it!” said Nathan.
“We could usche you inschtead, but you're kind of big,” Murderface told Charles. “Relatively schpeaking.”
“Well, he's actually pretty fucking skinny, I mean, under the jacket?” mused Nathan.
“That'sch true.”
“And he's ALREADY SILVER.”
“Schaaaaaay....”
“Nathan. William.” Charles tried going to his happy place, but found it had been overrun by a bunch of drunken college kids on spring break. “I thought you guys hated Christmas?”
“Dis ams not Christmas! Dis ams da Yules,” said Toki.
“And Yule is AWESOME!” averred Nathan.
“Are we talking about the Yule fest?” inquired Ganesh, who had also, these days, picked up the habit of wandering into Charles' office at random points throughout the day.
“They painted our kid, Ganesh,” grumbled Charles.
“Yes, body paint, or mehendi, is traditionally practiced in India, as in many cultures, as a signifier of good fortune!” Ganesh lectured.
“Ganesh. This ain't henna,” sighed Charles.
“No! We schpray painted the little beggar!” Murderface bragged.
“I think he actually looks quite festive! It will be smashing at Uncle's Yule! You fellows are intending to come, aren't you? There will be much wassailing!”
“Uh, Ganesh, you're inviting Dethklok to the Yule dinner?” asked Charles, who was trying to get ahold of his son without turning himself into a festive Yule ornament through splashing of gold paint flecks.
“Yeah, sure, that sounds pretty BRUTAL,” said Nathan. “Uhhhh. What's wassailing? Is it like hang gliding? Because, hang gliding is a little gay.”
“Wassailing!” said Ganesh. “An ancient European tradition to ensure a good harvest! Singing! Drinking the health! Mischief making! Waylaying the evil spirits!”
“Uh,” Nathan asked his now gold-flecked manager. “Does dude always have to lecture like that?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” allowed Charles, ineffectually wiping some gold leaf from his eyeglasses with a now gold-flecked cuff. He sighed, very low and deep.
“Reeeeally? He lectures even when … you know?” asked Nathan, narrowing his eyes.
“Well, yeah,” said Charles, who actually found himself smiling. “Except, ya know, when his MOUTH IS FULL.”
“Ehhhh,” said Nathan.
“You asked,” Charles reminded him.
“You're my manager! You should tell me not to do stupid stuff like that!”
“Uh, Ganesh?” asked Charles, as Ganesh was still regaling slightly baffled-looking Murderface and Toki with the wonders of wassailing. “The wassailing? Did you possibly get a head start?”
“Why yes, dear. Just two or three or so teeny martoonies. How did you guess!” enthused Ganesh.
Charles sighed a nearly bottomless sigh. “I'm gonna text Raziel and see if she's got a paint remover for angel wings,” he said.
“Raziel?”
“Mmm,” grunted the little angel, not bothering to look up from the Death Metal Musicians vs. Zombies game she was playing on her cell phone.
“Skwisgaar? Shouldn't you guys be getting ready?” Charles crossed his arms and looked stern, even though, actually, that never worked. He was standing alongside Ganesh, who in turn was holding a somewhat de-glittered Elias' little hand.
Skwisgaar muttered something unintelligible and continued sitting slumped on the couch opposite Raziel, plucking out a sullen solo on his ever present Gibson.
“What, it's like you guys are all going to a funereal or something!”
“I hate that guy,” grumbled Raziel.
“I ams hates dat guy,” agreed Skwisgaar.
“Well at least you two are getting along,” said Charles
“WHAT'S THE MATTER with THESE DUDES?” barked Nathan Explosion, who had just entered the living room, trailing indignation and chip crumbs.
“Wotan's Yule dinner,” said Charles.
“Wotan dude's YULE DINNER?” munched Nathan. “But, isn't that all MERRY AND SHIT?” There were several grumbles from the couch-beached denizens, so Nathan continued, “Seriously dudes it's like you guys are all going to a FUNERAL or something.”
“Where the HELL AND DAMNATION is everybody?” thundered Wotan, who had also just appeared in the middle of the living room.
“Wunky Wote!” cheered Elias, who pattered over and jumped into the large god's arms.
“Well, now, here's somebody with the right attitude!” said Wotan approvingly. “Raziel! What the blazes are you still doing here? You know it takes you an aeon to get dressed! And come along Skwisgaar! I've seen happier faces on a condemned man.”
“I ams a condemned mans,” sighed Skwisgaar.
“What's wrong with you dudes?” laughed Nathan. “Yule is AWESOME!”
“Are you coming, Nathan?” asked Wotan.
“Oh, fuck yeah!”
“No, there's the spirit!” said Wotan.
Raziel and Skwisgaar exchanged a glance. “Nathan's coming?” asked Raziel.
“The whole band is coming! Except for lollygaggers,” said Wotan. “Come along, then! There is much drinking and wassailing to do!” he said, clapping Nathan on the back.
“So, this, wassailing? Do you get like, a rowboat, or a real ship?” asked Nathan as he, Wotan and Elias disappeared.
“I ams hates dat guy,” muttered Skwisgaar as he came to his feet.
“Whatever ya do, don't get him talking about his fucking hammer,” said Raziel as she took his elbow and they too disappeared.
“So. You ready to go too?” Charles asked Ganesh, who now looked to be moping as well.
“I too fear I am coming down with something,” Ganesh sighed. “An extreme case of gnawing disdain.”
“Aw, c'mon. There's one in every family!”
Ganesh studied Charles for a moment. “I cannot discern why it is he does not vex you as well. You usually have little patience for tiresome beings.”
“Aw, but it's just so fucking funny to see him annoy you guys!” Charles laughed.
A brief elephant pout later (plus a change of couture to something that was not so last week, plus perhaps a few minutes expended on a quick blow job, given that there was a partially naked elephant god about and what else could anyone be expected to do?), Charles finally led Ganesh up to Valhalla.
Ganesh's nemesis, Thor, had evidently arrived moments beforehand. His presence filled the room. Standing here in one of the cavernous formal dining rooms at Valhalla, Thor seemed to fill up the room on the basis of sheer charisma.
Charles looked around. He was rarely in this part of the estate, as Raziel and Wotan favored taking their daily meals in a smaller room off the kitchen, especially after the twins were born. Decorated and lit up for yule, the dining area looked terribly impressive. And the roaring fire in the capacious fireplace kept it comfortably warm, despite the season's chill.
“And this is my father's current wife, Raz!” Thor was saying as a murderous Raziel looked on. Thor was introducing the little angel to a very pretty petite brunette woman – his girlfriend or wife or handmaiden or groupie or whatever. Thor looked over to where Charles was standing with Ganesh. “Oh, hey, Chubs!” he called merrily.
Ganesh strode over, seemingly intent on strangulation, only to find Charles strategically positioned between himself and Thor. “Ganesh,” Charles told the girl. “I'm Charles, or Sariel if you prefer,” he added, not knowing if she was god or human.
“DAAAAAAAA!” screamed Elias, who had just hurtled into the room. Charles skillfully caught him by the shoulders.
“And you remember our son, from the wedding?” he asked Thor.
“Oh. Yes. Vroom or something?”
Elias scowled and planted his little feet. “Boonie id Shwi Bwama Bisnoo Maheswawa Ewias 'goon Sen 'Shel. An, Wod o' da Dance, an 'tector o' da Eart'!. An, an, am DIS MANY yeas owd!” he concluded, raising two chubby fingers in a V.
“Uh. Of course,” said a confused looking Thor as Ganesh and Charles grinned madly at one another.
“BOOOOOONIE!” squealed the twins, who had just clattered in from outside, trailing a wolf or two. They scampered over to where the group of adults was meeting, and pulled up to a halt, standing looking up curiously. Both were wrapped up in heavy coats. Abby wore a knit cap, which opened at the top to reveal a large pouf of dark hair. Liam wore a harlequin-like knit cap, with tassels that bobbled as he tilted his head.
'You guys gonna say hello to whatsisname?” asked Raziel, hooking a thumb at Thor.
“HEWWO WUTSISNAME!” they chorused, giggling. They thereupon grabbed Elias and the three hurtled back outside, bound for parts unknown.
Thor glared at Raziel, who only grinned, while Thor's date, who still hadn't been introduced, merely looked confused.
“Are we ready for Yule?” boomed Wotan, entering the room along with an ebullient looking Nathan and a mournful looking Skwisgaar.
“Oh, brother Swissy! I was able to obtain this little novelty for you this year! I think you will find it amusing!”
“Skwisgaar,” Skiwsgaar muttered under his breath. His bearing wasn't much aided by Thor's “gift:” a plastic bobblehead figure of....
“That's ME!” said Thor.
“Uh. Ja,” said Skwisgaar, experimentally holding the figure upside-down.
“Oh my god Skwisgaar that is so COOL! It's a BOBBLE!” enthused Nathan, snatching up the toy. “Look! It BOBBLES!” He then violently shook the toy. So much so that Thor's plastic head actually bobbled off, and went rolling along the floor. “Oh, uh, sorry Norse god dude,” said Nathan. “Must've been made in CHINA.”
“Is everyone here?” asked Wotan as Thor stared down an oblivious Nathan Explosion.
“Yeah, I dragged the rescht of the dousches here,” announced Murderface, as he entered accompanied by Pickles and Toki.
“Hey, I t'ought I dragged yoo!” protested Pickles.
“Come along now and meet the Julbok!” announced Wotan, wrapping an arm around an impressed-looking Toki and ushering everybody outside.
“Julbok?” asked Toki.
“YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE JULBOK?” thundered Wotan.
“Ams looks likes … da goats?” asked Toki, regarding the huge wood and straw animal effigy now standing just outside Wotan's back door.
“Julbok is actually one of the oldest Scandanavia Yule traditions!” effused Ganesh.
“Oh, here we go with the lecturing,” muttered Nathan. “Can't you do something?” he asked Charles.
“What, now? In front of the kids?” laughed Charles, as Nathan glared at him.
Indeed, the children had broken out their little wings to make a closer inspection of the great structure.
“The traditional sacrifice was an actual live goat,” continued Ganesh.
“Yeah, but for some reason, they tended to object to the whole business!” added Raziel.
Wotan now leaned over conspiratorially towards Toki and Murderface. “But you boys know the tradition of the Julbok?” he asked.
They exchanged a glance, and then shook their heads.
“Why!” said Wotan. “If you're a mischievous sort, you try to surreptitiously SET IT ON FIRE!”
“Schurreptitiouschly schet it on FIRE?” repeated Murderface, albeit with a lot more launching of salivary biproducts.
“What ams da syrup tits?” asked Toki suspiciously.
“It means you can't let me know about it!” explained Wotan, sticking a big finger in Toki's face. “You have to go sneaking, and DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU!” Toki's blue eyes drifted over to Murderface, who was grinning maniacally and signaling for Toki to stay silent.
“Did we not get all that gold leaf off?” sighed Charles, examining the gold flecks on his hand after lifting Elias to a hip.
“I got another paint remover we could try while you guys are here,” grinned Raziel.
“How the hell did you end up covered in glitter, you young rapscallion?” Wotan asked Elias, pulling on a formerly silvery-black wing.
“Boonie id da twee toppah, Wunky Wote!”
“The guys thought we needed an angel for their Yule tree,” Charles explained.
“Sometimes,” Wotan confided, grabbing Elias from Charles, “You need to give them a bit of mischief to pursue.” He inclined his head to where Toki and Murderface were now sneaking away from the main group in a not terribly stealthy manner. Charles grinned.
“Come on, you!” Wotan urged Elias. “Looks like we have an interview with a paint scraper.” To the group he said, “Dinner will be in at six sharp: you lot amuse yourselves until then. And try and stay out of trouble!” And with that he strode off with Elias, his own children curiously winging after him.
“Come, what say we get in some RIDING while we are at Asgard, Chubs?” asked Thor, clapping Ganesh on the back.
“Ganesh,” said the same, curtly.
“'Tis a friendly nickname.”
“I have never found it so,” Ganesh told him.
“Kinda hawt when dey do dat.”
Charles turned and half-smiled at Pickles. “Yeah, actually, I do find it weirdly hot. Emphasis on weird.”
“Yeh. Deffinahtle.”
They stared at each other for a while. “Usually, I wud prefer da gettin' drunk part over da ridin' horse crap, but....” He held up his Dethphone.
“Video?” whispered Charles.
Pickles grinned and nodded, and they followed Thor and Ganesh out towards the stables.
“You comin', Skwis DOOD!” urged Nathan.
“Pffft.”
“Aw c'mon, we're up here, we gotta be all Viking and shit!”
“I don't wants to go out wit' dat guy.”
“Skwisgaar, why you let him get you down? He's not a bad dude!”
“He ams calls me 'Swissy!' I ams not wanna be dat guy's little brother. Ams riduculating.”
“Hey, you're not doing so bad with brothers! I mean, yeah, that Thor dude is kind of a dick, but he's a cool god, and his girlfriend is sort of hot. And your little brother is pretty badass, with little wings and all that shit!”
“Hrm.”
“I mean, could be worse, you could be Pickes,” Nathan whispered.
“Ja, you gots da point dere,” Skwisgaar allowed, somewhat reluctantly following Nathan to Valhalla's grand stables.
“Ashva! Where are you? Cursed horse,” Ganesh was muttering as he searched the stables.
“Having trouble with your mount, Chubs?” asked Thor.
“Mmmm. My demon horse is a bit … eccentric,” muttered Ganesh as he peered into an empty stall.
“Demon horse? That sounds … AIIIII!” Thor jumped aside, rubbing his posterior, while the large pure black horse that had just goosed him grinned and snorted smoke.
“Ashva!” scolded Ganesh, holding up a saddle. “There you are! Would you be good enough to come over so we can get mounted?”
Ashva whinnied mockingly at Thor. But then the god did a double-take, looking around in confusion when the horse disappeared, and then reappeared next to Ganesh, who proceeded to saddle it as if it were the most normal thing in the world. “Can we please cease horsing around, so to speak?” Ganesh inquired to a wide horse grin from Ashva.
“That.... That beast teleports?” asked Thor.
“Well of course he teleports!” said Nathan. “Dude, don't you know shit about demon horses?”
“A gift from Raziel's father,” said Ganesh. “Ashva is perhaps the finest mount in the Kingdom, save, of course, Sleipnir.” Ashva shook his black mane with horsely pride. “And quite modest as well,” added Ganesh, to a sideways glance from Ashva.
“So now that we are prepared, what is our prey?” inquired Thor.
“Well that's obvious! Wotan told me about the TRADITION!” stated Nathan.
Charles looked up from where he was hovering over Pickles' shoulder while the drummer replayed and replayed video of the bit where Ashva goosed Thor on his Dethphone. “No, Nathan,” said Charles, “if you're gonna say what I THINK you're gonna say....”
“We're hunting ELVES!” grinned Nathan.
There were several hoots and no's. “What?” asked a baffled Nathan Explosion.
“Nathan. Trust me. You don't wanna get an elf,” said Charles.
“You can't tell me what to do!” Nathan insisted. “Wotan says you get a wish!”
“Father would tell you that,” said Thor, rolling his eyes.
“Nathan,” sighed Ganesh, now mounted on Ashva. “No. Just, no.”
“Come on you guys, don't be Yule grinches! You remember what happened with the grinch, where the ghosts of the Christmas presents came and kicked his fucking ass with a chainsaw.”
Charles and Pickles exchanged a glance. “Dood. I t'ink I'd radder hear dat story dan go on da huntin' t'ing.”
Wotan was busily setting up some kind of heat lamp in Valhalla's courtyard while the children watched.
Raziel walked by, chatting away with Thor's girlfriend.
“So, my pet, having a nice discussion?” inquired Wotan.
“Talkin' about microfinance,” said Raziel.
“Ah, splendid. Did you see where the boys might have gotten to?”
“Hunting.”
“Splendid! Good clear weather for it,” enthused Wotan, who had just turned on the lamp.
“Yeah. Long as they don't bring back a fucking elf,” snorted Raziel.
“Ah, my boys wouldn't let them.”
“And what are those guys up to?” asked Raziel, pointing off across the courtyard.
Wotan grinned. “Why look over here! What a pleasant surprise!”
Suddenly, Murderface and Toki popped their heads up from where they were rather badly being concealed by some underbrush. “Uh. What? Usch?” asked Murderface, standing and trying to hide a gasoline can behind his back.
“William! Toki! And what are you boys up to?” asked Wotan.
The musicians looked at one another. “Uh. Not'ings,” explained Toki, ineffectually trying to blow out the lit torch he was holding.
“Abscholutely nothing!” averred Murderface.
“Splendid! Then I need your help here!” Toki and Murderface shuffled over to stand by Wotan. “You see these paint scrapers?” he asked, flourishing two of them.
“Uh. Yesch?” answered Murderface.
“Now, this young man had gotten himself into a bit of a pickle!” said Wotan, gently grasping one of Elias' gold-flecked wings. “I heard some boisterous types used a can of spray paint.”
Murderface looked at the ground and whistled the world's lisp-iest whistle.
“So, we're going to soften it up with a bit of heat, and then we have two of you,” explained Wotan, handing out the paint scrapers, “and two wings, so that's a very fine coincidence.”
Toki glowered at Murderface, who shrugged apologetically and took up a paint scraper. “Now see here,” continued Wotan. “Very gently, and with the vanes....”
“Huginn has seen what might be our prey up ahead,” said Thor as a lovely raven landed on his shoulder.
“Awesome!” said Nathan. “Let's go get her!”
Thor and Ganesh looked at each other, rolling their eyes.
“Nathan, is there any way we could talk you out of this?” sighed Ganesh.
“A nice fat hopping demon, that would go good in a stew!' said Thor.
“Or one of those lovely feathered demons,” proposed Ganesh.
Charles looked back to where Pickles was riding, mounted behind him. “More Thor video?” Charles whispered to Pickles. “You're gonna need an editor,” he laughed.
“Dood. You gahtta admit. He's a douche. But he's pretty hawt.”
“He's got a girlfriend, Pickles.”
“Eh. I'm open minded.”
“You're not really.... Heh. All right.” Charles looked up to the sound of howling. Ganesh had reluctantly urged Geri and Freki on ahead after the scent of the elf. The horsemen followed, and Charles took up the rear.
Skwisgaar held back and rode alongside them. “So, what ams da dea with da elf dudes?” he asked Charles.
“I don't know where to even start. Trust me, we'll be better off if we go back empty-handed. HEY!” He pointed to where something had moved in the underbrush. Something with lovely flaxen hair.
“I see it, Sariel!” said Ganesh, who had utilized Ashva's power to suddenly appear alongside Charles. Thor was back a moment later, and they all scanned the bushes.
“I got it! I got her!” Nathan suddenly shouted, pointing ahead. He spurred his horse and was off.
“Nathan, I don't think....” said Charles.
Ganesh just sighed and shook his head, and the party started riding after Nathan.
Nathan had ridden hard some meters up the path when he saw the wolves bolt ahead of him. They both stopped at the foot of a tree, and he dismounted to check the situation. He peered up into the branches. He grabbed something from his saddle and then, carefully, he poked the sword up. It snagged on something so he brought it down. It was a fine scarf, made of some silken material. He stopped and pressed it to his nose The perfume was incredible.
It was only a tiny crack of branches, but Nathan, who was very quick for someone his size, turned and lunged towards the sound.
“Ah, GOTCHA!” he declared as he seized a slim, blond figure.
“Get those paws OFF me, tall dark and handsy!” came a husky voice.
“Whoa. Do all you elf chicks talk like.... Wait! You're a dude!” said Nathan as the elf “maiden” turned around and shot him a glare.
“Well, nothing gets past YOU, does it, human boy?” snarked the elf.
“Nathan?” asked Ganesh, who had just ridden up. “Oh. Er. Hello there,” he said, nodding to the furious elf. “Shri Ganesha.”
“I am LaRue!” declared the elf, flourishing a hand.
“Wait. Is LaRue an elf name?” asked Nathan skeptically. “It sounds kinda gay.”
“Whatever are elves supposed to be named?” sighed LaRue.
“You know. Some gay elf name,” reasoned Nathan.
“I am LaRue of the Fierce and Fabulous People! We're LaRue, LaShawn, LaRhonda, LaTraviata....” LaRue put a hand to his hip and gestured towards Nathan. “Whatever does this tacky human want?” he sighed as the rest of the party rode up. “Not a Yule wish?” he purred, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes in exasperation.
“Uhhhh,” said Nathan. “Ganesh. Dude! Could you come here a minute!” he asked, walking a few paces away from the fussing LaRue.
“I might be needed,” Charles told Pickles as they dismounted. “Maybe you guys could keep him busy?” he said, inclining his head towards LaRue, who seemed to have developed a bit of an interest in Thor.
“Well Hellooooooo,” LaRue told a bemused Thor. “You're a big boy, aren't you?” he said, draping an arm around the god.
Thor sighed. Still up on his mount, Skwisgaar grinned wide.
“Ganesh. Dude,” whispered Nathan.
“Yes, Nathan?”
“I thought it was gonna be a beautiful elven chick and all that stuff, but this dude....”
“Is annoying as fuck?” Charles cheerfully supplied.
“Yeah. Can you kill him or something?” Nathan asked Charles.
“Uh,” said Charles.
“Nathan,” said Ganesh. “May I be so bold as to assume you would be, er, better rid of this presence?”
“Make … LaRue … go … bye-bye?” grinned Charles as he mimed a little wave. Nathan glowered at him.
“Yeah,” admitted Nathan.
“Then there is one way,” said Ganesh.
“A good and merry Yule to all of ye,” roared Wotan, hefting a large goblet of wine in toast.
His dinner guests, rubbing already well filled stomachs, answered with more or less inebriated lifts of their own glasses, and then were quickly back to grabbing more food. Thor, oddly enough, seemed to be transfixed by something on Pickles' Dethphone.
“Do any of the hunters have a fine story?” Wotan asked.
“Eh,” said Nathan. “We caught an elf dude.”
“'Tis a boring story,” tutted Thor.
“I ams t'ought it was a good story,” chuckled Skwisgaar to a glare from Thor.
“Oh gods no,” said Raziel. “A wood elf? They are bitchy like whoa.”
“What did you wish for, Nathan?” asked Wotan.
“Well, Ganesh dude kinda suggested I, uh, just ask that everybody have a good Yule,” muttered Nathan.
“A SPLENDID wish, Nathan!” said Wotan, raising his glass again.
“Yeah, but he said it was tacky and tired and I should have put more thought into it,” Nathan moaned.
“Ams LaRue gots your phone numbers, Thor,” grinned Skwisgaar.
“He was insistent,” muttered Thor, to a confused look from his girlfriend.
Raziel looked down to where little hands were tugging on her.
“Pweeze be scuzed?” chorused the twins.
“You guys all done?” There was furious nodding. “All right. Go ahead.”
“Boonie!” called Liam as they rushed out
“Boonie go pway?” asked Elias, who was now hopping up and down in his chair.
“Yes, you can be excused,” laughed Charles, after attempting to wipe at least the top layer of cornbread stuffing off the boy's mouth. Elias literally leapt off his chair, thus jostling the arm of Thor, sitting next to him, who was reaching across (somewhat rudely, it must be admitted) for more cranberry dressing.
“Scooze me!” called Elias, who was already halfway out the door.
Thor cast a glare at Charles. “Angel. You need to restrain that little tree topper,” he grumbled, brushing cranberry dressing from his arm.
“That little … what?” asked Charles, his expression suddenly darkening.
Thor looked around, confused. The room had quite suddenly grown silent.
“Oh, uh, simply, you know, a jest,” Thor explained, smiling wanly.
“What did you call Boon?” asked Charles, rising to stand beside Thor's chair. “What did you call my son?”
“'Twas a quip, angel,” said Thor, now more seriously.
“Yes,” said Charles. “I am an angel.”
And indeed he was, silver wings fully extended, silver eyes glaring down at Thor.
And now Thor was on his feet as well.
“Thor! No vengeance at the dinner table,” scolded Wotan.
“I am insulted!” thundered Thor, leaning forward.
“Yes. You are,” agreed Charles, also leaning forward.
Thor grasped at his waist for something. And grasped. And then looked in astonishment at his empty hands. “THE HAMMER of MJOLNIR! What the devil....”
“Oh, your rubber mallet thingie?” asked Raziel.
“What?” asked Thor.
“The kids are playing with it,” grinned the little angel, hooking a thumb towards the window.
“No one wields the legendary hammer but Thor!” said Thor, addressing himself in the third person.
“Well, you and my toddler, evidently,” said Raziel, as little Liam went “Bam!” and, as the other kids giggled, the hammer made some pretty exciting sparks on a rock.
“Give me back my hammer, you blackguard!” Thor was already out the door. “Give me- OUCH! MY BALLS!”
Pickles was at the window, Dethphone in hand.
“Come along, dear, we will get you a nice replacement shirt,” said Ganesh, putting a gentle hand to Charles' elbow as the rest of the crowd laughed and generally made regrettable remarks regarding Thor's attempt to recapture his hammer from a group of winged toddlers.
Charles sadly regarded his torn suit jacket. “Oh. Uh. Yeah,” he said as Ganesh led him away.
“The usual room. You can find it,” called Raziel.
Charles walked in silence for a time. “Uh, Ganesh?” he finally said, wings drooping sadly.
“Mm-hmmm?”
“I'm uh.... I'm sorry for losing my temper. Back there.”
“Yes?”
“Thor is an ass. I know that. I told you that. I told you not to let him upset you....”
“Ah look, here we are,” said Ganesh, cheerily opening the door to their cosy guest room.
“I should have just – WHOA!” said Charles, as he was suddenly slammed down on the room's large bed, an elephant god atop him, and indeed all over him.
“Mmmm, yes, you were terribly naughty,” murmured Ganesh. “So now I am forced to lick your entire body. As punishment.”
“Ganesh.”
“Oh god you're hot when you defend our son like that,” Ganesh was muttering. “Make me all wibbly.”
“Wibbly? Is that.... Is that a word...?”
But then Ganesh found something to put in his mouth, so he needed to stop lecturing. And Charles very soon found he no longer cared whether or not “wibbly” was in the standard dictionary.
“Was that an explosion?”
Ganesh frowned. He got up from the bed and went over to the window, peeking out between the curtains. “No, I think not,” he laughed.
“Are the kids still playing with Thor's hammer?”
Ganesh only grinned and tossed Charles' pants up on the bed. “Come on. You'll see.”
They arrived outside the front door, where much of the dinner party was gathered as well, Wotan with an arm wrapped around Raziel, watching a most amazing fireworks display.
“I have grown forgetful in my old age. Evidently I had stored some leftover munitions in the Julbok,” laughed Wotan, waving an arm at the now blackened and smoking remains of the straw and wood Yule goat. Murderface and Toki sat nearby looking stunned, not to mention a little blackened and smoking themselves.
“Da pwetty colors Daddy!” squealed Elias, who had just run up.
“You like this, Boon?” said Charles, grabbing Elias and ruffling his tangled hair.
“Pwetty in da sky!”
“Did you kids give Uncle Thor back his hammer?” Charles asked.
“Uh-huh!”
“Whatever happened to Thor?” asked Ganesh, looking around.
“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”
Suddenly, everyone ceased looking at fireworks and instead turned to peer up to where Thor was now perched up on the rooftop overlooking the courtyard.
“More to the point, what happened to Thor's pants?” asked Charles.
“I gaht an explanashun fer dis!” said Pickles, coming up behind them.
“Er, does this have anything to do with your 'special blend,' Pickles?” asked Ganesh.
“Mebbe.”
“But, more importantly, did you get video?” asked Charles.
“Thor! Get your golden godly ass down from my rooftop!” growled Wotan.
“Aw, leave him up there,” sait Raziel.
“Yes, Father!” agreed Thor, who very quickly discovered that flight was not one of his godly powers, and thereby taking out the remainder of the smoking Julbok as he instead plummeted to earth.
For a long moment, there was stunned silence.
“Ouch.”
“I will get my medical bag,” said Ganesh, going inside. “We will hope he hasn't broken a godly leg.”
“Euthanasia might be the kindest option,” said Charles.
“Hey, Nat'an?”
“Yeah, Skwisgaar?” said Nathan. They were both standing off to the side.
“Dat ams da good wish, I ams thinking.”
“A good Yule for my friends?” Nathan asked.
“Ja.”
“But I thought you didn't like Yule, dude?”
“Ams reconsquandering,” said Skwisgaar, grinning over to where Ganesh was attending Thor.
“I have a splinter!” wailed the god.
“You might try donning trousers next time you attempt this particular stunt,” sniffed Ganesh. “Now kindly bend over,” he ordered, holding up his tweezers and clicking them significantly.
“We got apple pie and ice cream inside guys!” called Raziel as she and Wotan headed into the house.
“Pie!” squealed the twins.
“Bie!” squealed Elias.
“Pie!” agreed Charles, hastening after Raziel.
“Yoo doods gonna get pie?” Pickles asked Skwisgaar and Nathan.
“You guys smell like a BARBECUE!” Nathan told Murderface and Toki, who had also just wandered over as well.
“Skwisgaar thinks this is a GOOD YULE,” said Nathan.
“Watsching Ganesch picking schplinters out of Thor's assch?” inquired Murderface, his mustache still smoking. The five musicians glanced down at where the god was undergoing treatment at the hands of an elephant godly doctor.
“Ouch!” said Thor.
“Ja,” grinned Skwisgaar.
“Sounds good t' me, doods” agreed Pickles, holding up his Dethphone.
“Can we ams gets da pie and ice creams now?” asked Toki.
And so they did.
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Wotan shares a Yuletide tradition, and the gang goes on a wild elf hunt
Warnings: Snotty elves, goats
Notes: No chapter this week. Sahry. Been doing stuff. The title refers to a Guided by Voices song. They're a band. You don't know them.
“Nathan?”
“Yeah what?”
“Toki?”
“Ja!”
“William?”
“Why are you yelling at usch?”
“I'M NOT YELLING! I mean, I'm not yelling.” Charles sighed and, slumping down in his office chair, put his head in his hands. He looked up. “I simply want to know why my child – my child – has been … painted GOLD?” he said, his voice slightly breaking at the last word.
Elias looked up, smiling brightly, and flapped his little pair more or less golden wings, thus leaving tiny flecks of golden paint all over the side of Charles' desk.
“Because the dye WOULDN'T WORK!” protested Nathan.
“We schoaked him for hoursch. Angel wingsch are a difficult medium!” added Murderface.
“OK. All right. May I ask.... What were you boys trying to achieve?”
“We ams needed da angels for da Yule tree!” Toki piped up, smiling as brightly as Elias.
“WHAT?” said Charles.
“Yelling!” scolded Murderface.
Charles removed his eyeglasses and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to keep them from shooting out of their sockets from pure, compressed rage. “My child … is not … a tree topper.”
“But he loves it!” said Nathan.
“We could usche you inschtead, but you're kind of big,” Murderface told Charles. “Relatively schpeaking.”
“Well, he's actually pretty fucking skinny, I mean, under the jacket?” mused Nathan.
“That'sch true.”
“And he's ALREADY SILVER.”
“Schaaaaaay....”
“Nathan. William.” Charles tried going to his happy place, but found it had been overrun by a bunch of drunken college kids on spring break. “I thought you guys hated Christmas?”
“Dis ams not Christmas! Dis ams da Yules,” said Toki.
“And Yule is AWESOME!” averred Nathan.
“Are we talking about the Yule fest?” inquired Ganesh, who had also, these days, picked up the habit of wandering into Charles' office at random points throughout the day.
“They painted our kid, Ganesh,” grumbled Charles.
“Yes, body paint, or mehendi, is traditionally practiced in India, as in many cultures, as a signifier of good fortune!” Ganesh lectured.
“Ganesh. This ain't henna,” sighed Charles.
“No! We schpray painted the little beggar!” Murderface bragged.
“I think he actually looks quite festive! It will be smashing at Uncle's Yule! You fellows are intending to come, aren't you? There will be much wassailing!”
“Uh, Ganesh, you're inviting Dethklok to the Yule dinner?” asked Charles, who was trying to get ahold of his son without turning himself into a festive Yule ornament through splashing of gold paint flecks.
“Yeah, sure, that sounds pretty BRUTAL,” said Nathan. “Uhhhh. What's wassailing? Is it like hang gliding? Because, hang gliding is a little gay.”
“Wassailing!” said Ganesh. “An ancient European tradition to ensure a good harvest! Singing! Drinking the health! Mischief making! Waylaying the evil spirits!”
“Uh,” Nathan asked his now gold-flecked manager. “Does dude always have to lecture like that?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” allowed Charles, ineffectually wiping some gold leaf from his eyeglasses with a now gold-flecked cuff. He sighed, very low and deep.
“Reeeeally? He lectures even when … you know?” asked Nathan, narrowing his eyes.
“Well, yeah,” said Charles, who actually found himself smiling. “Except, ya know, when his MOUTH IS FULL.”
“Ehhhh,” said Nathan.
“You asked,” Charles reminded him.
“You're my manager! You should tell me not to do stupid stuff like that!”
“Uh, Ganesh?” asked Charles, as Ganesh was still regaling slightly baffled-looking Murderface and Toki with the wonders of wassailing. “The wassailing? Did you possibly get a head start?”
“Why yes, dear. Just two or three or so teeny martoonies. How did you guess!” enthused Ganesh.
Charles sighed a nearly bottomless sigh. “I'm gonna text Raziel and see if she's got a paint remover for angel wings,” he said.
“Raziel?”
“Mmm,” grunted the little angel, not bothering to look up from the Death Metal Musicians vs. Zombies game she was playing on her cell phone.
“Skwisgaar? Shouldn't you guys be getting ready?” Charles crossed his arms and looked stern, even though, actually, that never worked. He was standing alongside Ganesh, who in turn was holding a somewhat de-glittered Elias' little hand.
Skwisgaar muttered something unintelligible and continued sitting slumped on the couch opposite Raziel, plucking out a sullen solo on his ever present Gibson.
“What, it's like you guys are all going to a funereal or something!”
“I hate that guy,” grumbled Raziel.
“I ams hates dat guy,” agreed Skwisgaar.
“Well at least you two are getting along,” said Charles
“WHAT'S THE MATTER with THESE DUDES?” barked Nathan Explosion, who had just entered the living room, trailing indignation and chip crumbs.
“Wotan's Yule dinner,” said Charles.
“Wotan dude's YULE DINNER?” munched Nathan. “But, isn't that all MERRY AND SHIT?” There were several grumbles from the couch-beached denizens, so Nathan continued, “Seriously dudes it's like you guys are all going to a FUNERAL or something.”
“Where the HELL AND DAMNATION is everybody?” thundered Wotan, who had also just appeared in the middle of the living room.
“Wunky Wote!” cheered Elias, who pattered over and jumped into the large god's arms.
“Well, now, here's somebody with the right attitude!” said Wotan approvingly. “Raziel! What the blazes are you still doing here? You know it takes you an aeon to get dressed! And come along Skwisgaar! I've seen happier faces on a condemned man.”
“I ams a condemned mans,” sighed Skwisgaar.
“What's wrong with you dudes?” laughed Nathan. “Yule is AWESOME!”
“Are you coming, Nathan?” asked Wotan.
“Oh, fuck yeah!”
“No, there's the spirit!” said Wotan.
Raziel and Skwisgaar exchanged a glance. “Nathan's coming?” asked Raziel.
“The whole band is coming! Except for lollygaggers,” said Wotan. “Come along, then! There is much drinking and wassailing to do!” he said, clapping Nathan on the back.
“So, this, wassailing? Do you get like, a rowboat, or a real ship?” asked Nathan as he, Wotan and Elias disappeared.
“I ams hates dat guy,” muttered Skwisgaar as he came to his feet.
“Whatever ya do, don't get him talking about his fucking hammer,” said Raziel as she took his elbow and they too disappeared.
“So. You ready to go too?” Charles asked Ganesh, who now looked to be moping as well.
“I too fear I am coming down with something,” Ganesh sighed. “An extreme case of gnawing disdain.”
“Aw, c'mon. There's one in every family!”
Ganesh studied Charles for a moment. “I cannot discern why it is he does not vex you as well. You usually have little patience for tiresome beings.”
“Aw, but it's just so fucking funny to see him annoy you guys!” Charles laughed.
A brief elephant pout later (plus a change of couture to something that was not so last week, plus perhaps a few minutes expended on a quick blow job, given that there was a partially naked elephant god about and what else could anyone be expected to do?), Charles finally led Ganesh up to Valhalla.
Ganesh's nemesis, Thor, had evidently arrived moments beforehand. His presence filled the room. Standing here in one of the cavernous formal dining rooms at Valhalla, Thor seemed to fill up the room on the basis of sheer charisma.
Charles looked around. He was rarely in this part of the estate, as Raziel and Wotan favored taking their daily meals in a smaller room off the kitchen, especially after the twins were born. Decorated and lit up for yule, the dining area looked terribly impressive. And the roaring fire in the capacious fireplace kept it comfortably warm, despite the season's chill.
“And this is my father's current wife, Raz!” Thor was saying as a murderous Raziel looked on. Thor was introducing the little angel to a very pretty petite brunette woman – his girlfriend or wife or handmaiden or groupie or whatever. Thor looked over to where Charles was standing with Ganesh. “Oh, hey, Chubs!” he called merrily.
Ganesh strode over, seemingly intent on strangulation, only to find Charles strategically positioned between himself and Thor. “Ganesh,” Charles told the girl. “I'm Charles, or Sariel if you prefer,” he added, not knowing if she was god or human.
“DAAAAAAAA!” screamed Elias, who had just hurtled into the room. Charles skillfully caught him by the shoulders.
“And you remember our son, from the wedding?” he asked Thor.
“Oh. Yes. Vroom or something?”
Elias scowled and planted his little feet. “Boonie id Shwi Bwama Bisnoo Maheswawa Ewias 'goon Sen 'Shel. An, Wod o' da Dance, an 'tector o' da Eart'!. An, an, am DIS MANY yeas owd!” he concluded, raising two chubby fingers in a V.
“Uh. Of course,” said a confused looking Thor as Ganesh and Charles grinned madly at one another.
“BOOOOOONIE!” squealed the twins, who had just clattered in from outside, trailing a wolf or two. They scampered over to where the group of adults was meeting, and pulled up to a halt, standing looking up curiously. Both were wrapped up in heavy coats. Abby wore a knit cap, which opened at the top to reveal a large pouf of dark hair. Liam wore a harlequin-like knit cap, with tassels that bobbled as he tilted his head.
'You guys gonna say hello to whatsisname?” asked Raziel, hooking a thumb at Thor.
“HEWWO WUTSISNAME!” they chorused, giggling. They thereupon grabbed Elias and the three hurtled back outside, bound for parts unknown.
Thor glared at Raziel, who only grinned, while Thor's date, who still hadn't been introduced, merely looked confused.
“Are we ready for Yule?” boomed Wotan, entering the room along with an ebullient looking Nathan and a mournful looking Skwisgaar.
“Oh, brother Swissy! I was able to obtain this little novelty for you this year! I think you will find it amusing!”
“Skwisgaar,” Skiwsgaar muttered under his breath. His bearing wasn't much aided by Thor's “gift:” a plastic bobblehead figure of....
“That's ME!” said Thor.
“Uh. Ja,” said Skwisgaar, experimentally holding the figure upside-down.
“Oh my god Skwisgaar that is so COOL! It's a BOBBLE!” enthused Nathan, snatching up the toy. “Look! It BOBBLES!” He then violently shook the toy. So much so that Thor's plastic head actually bobbled off, and went rolling along the floor. “Oh, uh, sorry Norse god dude,” said Nathan. “Must've been made in CHINA.”
“Is everyone here?” asked Wotan as Thor stared down an oblivious Nathan Explosion.
“Yeah, I dragged the rescht of the dousches here,” announced Murderface, as he entered accompanied by Pickles and Toki.
“Hey, I t'ought I dragged yoo!” protested Pickles.
“Come along now and meet the Julbok!” announced Wotan, wrapping an arm around an impressed-looking Toki and ushering everybody outside.
“Julbok?” asked Toki.
“YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE JULBOK?” thundered Wotan.
“Ams looks likes … da goats?” asked Toki, regarding the huge wood and straw animal effigy now standing just outside Wotan's back door.
“Julbok is actually one of the oldest Scandanavia Yule traditions!” effused Ganesh.
“Oh, here we go with the lecturing,” muttered Nathan. “Can't you do something?” he asked Charles.
“What, now? In front of the kids?” laughed Charles, as Nathan glared at him.
Indeed, the children had broken out their little wings to make a closer inspection of the great structure.
“The traditional sacrifice was an actual live goat,” continued Ganesh.
“Yeah, but for some reason, they tended to object to the whole business!” added Raziel.
Wotan now leaned over conspiratorially towards Toki and Murderface. “But you boys know the tradition of the Julbok?” he asked.
They exchanged a glance, and then shook their heads.
“Why!” said Wotan. “If you're a mischievous sort, you try to surreptitiously SET IT ON FIRE!”
“Schurreptitiouschly schet it on FIRE?” repeated Murderface, albeit with a lot more launching of salivary biproducts.
“What ams da syrup tits?” asked Toki suspiciously.
“It means you can't let me know about it!” explained Wotan, sticking a big finger in Toki's face. “You have to go sneaking, and DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU!” Toki's blue eyes drifted over to Murderface, who was grinning maniacally and signaling for Toki to stay silent.
“Did we not get all that gold leaf off?” sighed Charles, examining the gold flecks on his hand after lifting Elias to a hip.
“I got another paint remover we could try while you guys are here,” grinned Raziel.
“How the hell did you end up covered in glitter, you young rapscallion?” Wotan asked Elias, pulling on a formerly silvery-black wing.
“Boonie id da twee toppah, Wunky Wote!”
“The guys thought we needed an angel for their Yule tree,” Charles explained.
“Sometimes,” Wotan confided, grabbing Elias from Charles, “You need to give them a bit of mischief to pursue.” He inclined his head to where Toki and Murderface were now sneaking away from the main group in a not terribly stealthy manner. Charles grinned.
“Come on, you!” Wotan urged Elias. “Looks like we have an interview with a paint scraper.” To the group he said, “Dinner will be in at six sharp: you lot amuse yourselves until then. And try and stay out of trouble!” And with that he strode off with Elias, his own children curiously winging after him.
“Come, what say we get in some RIDING while we are at Asgard, Chubs?” asked Thor, clapping Ganesh on the back.
“Ganesh,” said the same, curtly.
“'Tis a friendly nickname.”
“I have never found it so,” Ganesh told him.
“Kinda hawt when dey do dat.”
Charles turned and half-smiled at Pickles. “Yeah, actually, I do find it weirdly hot. Emphasis on weird.”
“Yeh. Deffinahtle.”
They stared at each other for a while. “Usually, I wud prefer da gettin' drunk part over da ridin' horse crap, but....” He held up his Dethphone.
“Video?” whispered Charles.
Pickles grinned and nodded, and they followed Thor and Ganesh out towards the stables.
“You comin', Skwis DOOD!” urged Nathan.
“Pffft.”
“Aw c'mon, we're up here, we gotta be all Viking and shit!”
“I don't wants to go out wit' dat guy.”
“Skwisgaar, why you let him get you down? He's not a bad dude!”
“He ams calls me 'Swissy!' I ams not wanna be dat guy's little brother. Ams riduculating.”
“Hey, you're not doing so bad with brothers! I mean, yeah, that Thor dude is kind of a dick, but he's a cool god, and his girlfriend is sort of hot. And your little brother is pretty badass, with little wings and all that shit!”
“Hrm.”
“I mean, could be worse, you could be Pickes,” Nathan whispered.
“Ja, you gots da point dere,” Skwisgaar allowed, somewhat reluctantly following Nathan to Valhalla's grand stables.
“Ashva! Where are you? Cursed horse,” Ganesh was muttering as he searched the stables.
“Having trouble with your mount, Chubs?” asked Thor.
“Mmmm. My demon horse is a bit … eccentric,” muttered Ganesh as he peered into an empty stall.
“Demon horse? That sounds … AIIIII!” Thor jumped aside, rubbing his posterior, while the large pure black horse that had just goosed him grinned and snorted smoke.
“Ashva!” scolded Ganesh, holding up a saddle. “There you are! Would you be good enough to come over so we can get mounted?”
Ashva whinnied mockingly at Thor. But then the god did a double-take, looking around in confusion when the horse disappeared, and then reappeared next to Ganesh, who proceeded to saddle it as if it were the most normal thing in the world. “Can we please cease horsing around, so to speak?” Ganesh inquired to a wide horse grin from Ashva.
“That.... That beast teleports?” asked Thor.
“Well of course he teleports!” said Nathan. “Dude, don't you know shit about demon horses?”
“A gift from Raziel's father,” said Ganesh. “Ashva is perhaps the finest mount in the Kingdom, save, of course, Sleipnir.” Ashva shook his black mane with horsely pride. “And quite modest as well,” added Ganesh, to a sideways glance from Ashva.
“So now that we are prepared, what is our prey?” inquired Thor.
“Well that's obvious! Wotan told me about the TRADITION!” stated Nathan.
Charles looked up from where he was hovering over Pickles' shoulder while the drummer replayed and replayed video of the bit where Ashva goosed Thor on his Dethphone. “No, Nathan,” said Charles, “if you're gonna say what I THINK you're gonna say....”
“We're hunting ELVES!” grinned Nathan.
There were several hoots and no's. “What?” asked a baffled Nathan Explosion.
“Nathan. Trust me. You don't wanna get an elf,” said Charles.
“You can't tell me what to do!” Nathan insisted. “Wotan says you get a wish!”
“Father would tell you that,” said Thor, rolling his eyes.
“Nathan,” sighed Ganesh, now mounted on Ashva. “No. Just, no.”
“Come on you guys, don't be Yule grinches! You remember what happened with the grinch, where the ghosts of the Christmas presents came and kicked his fucking ass with a chainsaw.”
Charles and Pickles exchanged a glance. “Dood. I t'ink I'd radder hear dat story dan go on da huntin' t'ing.”
Wotan was busily setting up some kind of heat lamp in Valhalla's courtyard while the children watched.
Raziel walked by, chatting away with Thor's girlfriend.
“So, my pet, having a nice discussion?” inquired Wotan.
“Talkin' about microfinance,” said Raziel.
“Ah, splendid. Did you see where the boys might have gotten to?”
“Hunting.”
“Splendid! Good clear weather for it,” enthused Wotan, who had just turned on the lamp.
“Yeah. Long as they don't bring back a fucking elf,” snorted Raziel.
“Ah, my boys wouldn't let them.”
“And what are those guys up to?” asked Raziel, pointing off across the courtyard.
Wotan grinned. “Why look over here! What a pleasant surprise!”
Suddenly, Murderface and Toki popped their heads up from where they were rather badly being concealed by some underbrush. “Uh. What? Usch?” asked Murderface, standing and trying to hide a gasoline can behind his back.
“William! Toki! And what are you boys up to?” asked Wotan.
The musicians looked at one another. “Uh. Not'ings,” explained Toki, ineffectually trying to blow out the lit torch he was holding.
“Abscholutely nothing!” averred Murderface.
“Splendid! Then I need your help here!” Toki and Murderface shuffled over to stand by Wotan. “You see these paint scrapers?” he asked, flourishing two of them.
“Uh. Yesch?” answered Murderface.
“Now, this young man had gotten himself into a bit of a pickle!” said Wotan, gently grasping one of Elias' gold-flecked wings. “I heard some boisterous types used a can of spray paint.”
Murderface looked at the ground and whistled the world's lisp-iest whistle.
“So, we're going to soften it up with a bit of heat, and then we have two of you,” explained Wotan, handing out the paint scrapers, “and two wings, so that's a very fine coincidence.”
Toki glowered at Murderface, who shrugged apologetically and took up a paint scraper. “Now see here,” continued Wotan. “Very gently, and with the vanes....”
“Huginn has seen what might be our prey up ahead,” said Thor as a lovely raven landed on his shoulder.
“Awesome!” said Nathan. “Let's go get her!”
Thor and Ganesh looked at each other, rolling their eyes.
“Nathan, is there any way we could talk you out of this?” sighed Ganesh.
“A nice fat hopping demon, that would go good in a stew!' said Thor.
“Or one of those lovely feathered demons,” proposed Ganesh.
Charles looked back to where Pickles was riding, mounted behind him. “More Thor video?” Charles whispered to Pickles. “You're gonna need an editor,” he laughed.
“Dood. You gahtta admit. He's a douche. But he's pretty hawt.”
“He's got a girlfriend, Pickles.”
“Eh. I'm open minded.”
“You're not really.... Heh. All right.” Charles looked up to the sound of howling. Ganesh had reluctantly urged Geri and Freki on ahead after the scent of the elf. The horsemen followed, and Charles took up the rear.
Skwisgaar held back and rode alongside them. “So, what ams da dea with da elf dudes?” he asked Charles.
“I don't know where to even start. Trust me, we'll be better off if we go back empty-handed. HEY!” He pointed to where something had moved in the underbrush. Something with lovely flaxen hair.
“I see it, Sariel!” said Ganesh, who had utilized Ashva's power to suddenly appear alongside Charles. Thor was back a moment later, and they all scanned the bushes.
“I got it! I got her!” Nathan suddenly shouted, pointing ahead. He spurred his horse and was off.
“Nathan, I don't think....” said Charles.
Ganesh just sighed and shook his head, and the party started riding after Nathan.
Nathan had ridden hard some meters up the path when he saw the wolves bolt ahead of him. They both stopped at the foot of a tree, and he dismounted to check the situation. He peered up into the branches. He grabbed something from his saddle and then, carefully, he poked the sword up. It snagged on something so he brought it down. It was a fine scarf, made of some silken material. He stopped and pressed it to his nose The perfume was incredible.
It was only a tiny crack of branches, but Nathan, who was very quick for someone his size, turned and lunged towards the sound.
“Ah, GOTCHA!” he declared as he seized a slim, blond figure.
“Get those paws OFF me, tall dark and handsy!” came a husky voice.
“Whoa. Do all you elf chicks talk like.... Wait! You're a dude!” said Nathan as the elf “maiden” turned around and shot him a glare.
“Well, nothing gets past YOU, does it, human boy?” snarked the elf.
“Nathan?” asked Ganesh, who had just ridden up. “Oh. Er. Hello there,” he said, nodding to the furious elf. “Shri Ganesha.”
“I am LaRue!” declared the elf, flourishing a hand.
“Wait. Is LaRue an elf name?” asked Nathan skeptically. “It sounds kinda gay.”
“Whatever are elves supposed to be named?” sighed LaRue.
“You know. Some gay elf name,” reasoned Nathan.
“I am LaRue of the Fierce and Fabulous People! We're LaRue, LaShawn, LaRhonda, LaTraviata....” LaRue put a hand to his hip and gestured towards Nathan. “Whatever does this tacky human want?” he sighed as the rest of the party rode up. “Not a Yule wish?” he purred, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes in exasperation.
“Uhhhh,” said Nathan. “Ganesh. Dude! Could you come here a minute!” he asked, walking a few paces away from the fussing LaRue.
“I might be needed,” Charles told Pickles as they dismounted. “Maybe you guys could keep him busy?” he said, inclining his head towards LaRue, who seemed to have developed a bit of an interest in Thor.
“Well Hellooooooo,” LaRue told a bemused Thor. “You're a big boy, aren't you?” he said, draping an arm around the god.
Thor sighed. Still up on his mount, Skwisgaar grinned wide.
“Ganesh. Dude,” whispered Nathan.
“Yes, Nathan?”
“I thought it was gonna be a beautiful elven chick and all that stuff, but this dude....”
“Is annoying as fuck?” Charles cheerfully supplied.
“Yeah. Can you kill him or something?” Nathan asked Charles.
“Uh,” said Charles.
“Nathan,” said Ganesh. “May I be so bold as to assume you would be, er, better rid of this presence?”
“Make … LaRue … go … bye-bye?” grinned Charles as he mimed a little wave. Nathan glowered at him.
“Yeah,” admitted Nathan.
“Then there is one way,” said Ganesh.
“A good and merry Yule to all of ye,” roared Wotan, hefting a large goblet of wine in toast.
His dinner guests, rubbing already well filled stomachs, answered with more or less inebriated lifts of their own glasses, and then were quickly back to grabbing more food. Thor, oddly enough, seemed to be transfixed by something on Pickles' Dethphone.
“Do any of the hunters have a fine story?” Wotan asked.
“Eh,” said Nathan. “We caught an elf dude.”
“'Tis a boring story,” tutted Thor.
“I ams t'ought it was a good story,” chuckled Skwisgaar to a glare from Thor.
“Oh gods no,” said Raziel. “A wood elf? They are bitchy like whoa.”
“What did you wish for, Nathan?” asked Wotan.
“Well, Ganesh dude kinda suggested I, uh, just ask that everybody have a good Yule,” muttered Nathan.
“A SPLENDID wish, Nathan!” said Wotan, raising his glass again.
“Yeah, but he said it was tacky and tired and I should have put more thought into it,” Nathan moaned.
“Ams LaRue gots your phone numbers, Thor,” grinned Skwisgaar.
“He was insistent,” muttered Thor, to a confused look from his girlfriend.
Raziel looked down to where little hands were tugging on her.
“Pweeze be scuzed?” chorused the twins.
“You guys all done?” There was furious nodding. “All right. Go ahead.”
“Boonie!” called Liam as they rushed out
“Boonie go pway?” asked Elias, who was now hopping up and down in his chair.
“Yes, you can be excused,” laughed Charles, after attempting to wipe at least the top layer of cornbread stuffing off the boy's mouth. Elias literally leapt off his chair, thus jostling the arm of Thor, sitting next to him, who was reaching across (somewhat rudely, it must be admitted) for more cranberry dressing.
“Scooze me!” called Elias, who was already halfway out the door.
Thor cast a glare at Charles. “Angel. You need to restrain that little tree topper,” he grumbled, brushing cranberry dressing from his arm.
“That little … what?” asked Charles, his expression suddenly darkening.
Thor looked around, confused. The room had quite suddenly grown silent.
“Oh, uh, simply, you know, a jest,” Thor explained, smiling wanly.
“What did you call Boon?” asked Charles, rising to stand beside Thor's chair. “What did you call my son?”
“'Twas a quip, angel,” said Thor, now more seriously.
“Yes,” said Charles. “I am an angel.”
And indeed he was, silver wings fully extended, silver eyes glaring down at Thor.
And now Thor was on his feet as well.
“Thor! No vengeance at the dinner table,” scolded Wotan.
“I am insulted!” thundered Thor, leaning forward.
“Yes. You are,” agreed Charles, also leaning forward.
Thor grasped at his waist for something. And grasped. And then looked in astonishment at his empty hands. “THE HAMMER of MJOLNIR! What the devil....”
“Oh, your rubber mallet thingie?” asked Raziel.
“What?” asked Thor.
“The kids are playing with it,” grinned the little angel, hooking a thumb towards the window.
“No one wields the legendary hammer but Thor!” said Thor, addressing himself in the third person.
“Well, you and my toddler, evidently,” said Raziel, as little Liam went “Bam!” and, as the other kids giggled, the hammer made some pretty exciting sparks on a rock.
“Give me back my hammer, you blackguard!” Thor was already out the door. “Give me- OUCH! MY BALLS!”
Pickles was at the window, Dethphone in hand.
“Come along, dear, we will get you a nice replacement shirt,” said Ganesh, putting a gentle hand to Charles' elbow as the rest of the crowd laughed and generally made regrettable remarks regarding Thor's attempt to recapture his hammer from a group of winged toddlers.
Charles sadly regarded his torn suit jacket. “Oh. Uh. Yeah,” he said as Ganesh led him away.
“The usual room. You can find it,” called Raziel.
Charles walked in silence for a time. “Uh, Ganesh?” he finally said, wings drooping sadly.
“Mm-hmmm?”
“I'm uh.... I'm sorry for losing my temper. Back there.”
“Yes?”
“Thor is an ass. I know that. I told you that. I told you not to let him upset you....”
“Ah look, here we are,” said Ganesh, cheerily opening the door to their cosy guest room.
“I should have just – WHOA!” said Charles, as he was suddenly slammed down on the room's large bed, an elephant god atop him, and indeed all over him.
“Mmmm, yes, you were terribly naughty,” murmured Ganesh. “So now I am forced to lick your entire body. As punishment.”
“Ganesh.”
“Oh god you're hot when you defend our son like that,” Ganesh was muttering. “Make me all wibbly.”
“Wibbly? Is that.... Is that a word...?”
But then Ganesh found something to put in his mouth, so he needed to stop lecturing. And Charles very soon found he no longer cared whether or not “wibbly” was in the standard dictionary.
“Was that an explosion?”
Ganesh frowned. He got up from the bed and went over to the window, peeking out between the curtains. “No, I think not,” he laughed.
“Are the kids still playing with Thor's hammer?”
Ganesh only grinned and tossed Charles' pants up on the bed. “Come on. You'll see.”
They arrived outside the front door, where much of the dinner party was gathered as well, Wotan with an arm wrapped around Raziel, watching a most amazing fireworks display.
“I have grown forgetful in my old age. Evidently I had stored some leftover munitions in the Julbok,” laughed Wotan, waving an arm at the now blackened and smoking remains of the straw and wood Yule goat. Murderface and Toki sat nearby looking stunned, not to mention a little blackened and smoking themselves.
“Da pwetty colors Daddy!” squealed Elias, who had just run up.
“You like this, Boon?” said Charles, grabbing Elias and ruffling his tangled hair.
“Pwetty in da sky!”
“Did you kids give Uncle Thor back his hammer?” Charles asked.
“Uh-huh!”
“Whatever happened to Thor?” asked Ganesh, looking around.
“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”
Suddenly, everyone ceased looking at fireworks and instead turned to peer up to where Thor was now perched up on the rooftop overlooking the courtyard.
“More to the point, what happened to Thor's pants?” asked Charles.
“I gaht an explanashun fer dis!” said Pickles, coming up behind them.
“Er, does this have anything to do with your 'special blend,' Pickles?” asked Ganesh.
“Mebbe.”
“But, more importantly, did you get video?” asked Charles.
“Thor! Get your golden godly ass down from my rooftop!” growled Wotan.
“Aw, leave him up there,” sait Raziel.
“Yes, Father!” agreed Thor, who very quickly discovered that flight was not one of his godly powers, and thereby taking out the remainder of the smoking Julbok as he instead plummeted to earth.
For a long moment, there was stunned silence.
“Ouch.”
“I will get my medical bag,” said Ganesh, going inside. “We will hope he hasn't broken a godly leg.”
“Euthanasia might be the kindest option,” said Charles.
“Hey, Nat'an?”
“Yeah, Skwisgaar?” said Nathan. They were both standing off to the side.
“Dat ams da good wish, I ams thinking.”
“A good Yule for my friends?” Nathan asked.
“Ja.”
“But I thought you didn't like Yule, dude?”
“Ams reconsquandering,” said Skwisgaar, grinning over to where Ganesh was attending Thor.
“I have a splinter!” wailed the god.
“You might try donning trousers next time you attempt this particular stunt,” sniffed Ganesh. “Now kindly bend over,” he ordered, holding up his tweezers and clicking them significantly.
“We got apple pie and ice cream inside guys!” called Raziel as she and Wotan headed into the house.
“Pie!” squealed the twins.
“Bie!” squealed Elias.
“Pie!” agreed Charles, hastening after Raziel.
“Yoo doods gonna get pie?” Pickles asked Skwisgaar and Nathan.
“You guys smell like a BARBECUE!” Nathan told Murderface and Toki, who had also just wandered over as well.
“Skwisgaar thinks this is a GOOD YULE,” said Nathan.
“Watsching Ganesch picking schplinters out of Thor's assch?” inquired Murderface, his mustache still smoking. The five musicians glanced down at where the god was undergoing treatment at the hands of an elephant godly doctor.
“Ouch!” said Thor.
“Ja,” grinned Skwisgaar.
“Sounds good t' me, doods” agreed Pickles, holding up his Dethphone.
“Can we ams gets da pie and ice creams now?” asked Toki.
And so they did.
