Mirror Mirror (Mythklok, Chapter 59)
Jul. 30th, 2011 11:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: Mirror Mirror (Mythklok, Chapter 59)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When angels attack.
Warnings: Some bad violence, character death
Notes: Notes after the jump.
Just an admin thing: I start my new job on Monday, so I wanted to finish off this arc beforehand. I do have a big bit of a next chapter in the word processor, but I think posting is gonna slow down a bit, at least for the next month. I take it this won't be an issue, as traffic is now really, really, really low.
Mythklok started life as a Metalocalypse AU. Then I added in a bunch of not-so-original OCs, begged, borrowed and outright stolen from half-remembered bits of various myths and legends. It's now sorta morphed into a mutant monster.
Last time: so, we're still mucking around in a weird altered universe. It looks like It's All a Dream, only it looks like the waking world too has sorta been screwed up by the discount witches Toki and Skwisgaar hired. Raziel managed to power up Sariel, and that in turn somehow woke up Parvati, but now Raziel's mom, The Goddess, has arrived with a couple of icky henchmen plus, as a bonus, a good portion of what's left of The Legion. Oh, and to make things even less interesting, we've also sorta been checking out Ganesh's childhood. Hint: things weren't all rosy.
Many years ago....
“Shiva! You blue bastard! How the hell are you!”
“Wotan, my old friend. Welcome to our Naming.” Shiva's palace in the grand Imperial City, always bustling, seemed especially crowded today. It appeared that every god and goddess on the Asian continent was there. They were all crowded into a grand patio in the back. The ornate gardens were beyond, and still further on, the untamed forests.
“Is this the little bugger?” the Norse god asked, not waiting for an answer before he seized the child from Shiva's arms. “Well, how are you? Are you ready for your Naming?”
“Dameday!” answered the child, arching his large ears.
“Oh! You're a clever little bastard! You sure he's one of yours, Shiva?” laughed Wotan. He didn't notice the dark storm cloud that momentarily passed Shiva's face. “We need to teach you to ride and hunt! Would you like that?” The child nodded enthusiastically. “What say you Shiva? I have boys of my own now.” He indicated the gaggle of more-or-less blond boys who had been trailing him. “This is Vali. Thor. Tyr,” he said, indicating the smallest boy, whose hair was reddish blond. “ And this rascal,” he said, indicating the tallest boy with a proud hand clapped on his shoulder, “is Baldr.”
Shiva regarded the menagerie with a dry eye. It was so like Wotan to mix in his full son with a bunch of bastards and halflings. “This is Skanda!” he said proudly of the boy who stood scowling, arms crossed, at his side.
“Well, hello there, young Skanda!” boomed Wotan, elaborately shaking the child's hand. “You'll come along and hunt with us, won't you? Come, Baldr,” he said, passing the small boy to the arms of his eldest son. “You watch over this one a moment while we adults have a chat.” He wrestled a huge arm over Shiva's shoulders, and half-dragged the smaller god off.
“Mind your brother, Skanda,” Shiva called back.
The boys now gathered around Baldr and his tiny charge. Vali tentatively reached out a finger and got poked by a small trunk. He giggled.
“It's weird,” tutted Thor.
“Is he a Jotun?” asked Vali.
“He's too small to be a Jotun, you idiot,” sniffed Thor, holding his head so you could see his already fine profile.
“My brother is a freak,” huffed Skanda. Ganesh's ears drooped.
“Let's pway!” suggested Tyr, and he, Thor, Skanda and Vali ran off towards the garden, laughing, Vali risking a second glance over his shoulder .
“It's OK,” Baldr told the small boy. “You can be my buddy. I'm Baldr!”
“Bawda?” tried the little boy, cocking his ears.
“Heh. Close enough.”
“What's a Naming like?” asked Vali, who had been too young to remember his own.
“Oh, it's the most boring thing ever,” Thor grumbled from his perch up in a tree. Even at this age, the god hadn't much patience for ceremonies that didn't concern himself. “A bunch of grownups get up and say boring stuff, and the baby squalls, and it goes on FOREVER.”
“What will they call your brother?” Vali asked Skanda.
“Probably Stupid. Or Stupid,” Skanda snorted, to much appreciative laughter.
“My dad says Lord Brahma always chooses Vishnu or Krishna,” Thor stated authoritatively.
There was a thundering, as of a thousand hoof beats. “What's that?” asked Vali. Tyr took his finger out of his nose to listen.
They appeared, out of the jungle, marching in formation. The Wise Ones. Dressed in their most resplendent finery, jeweled headdresses and glinting wraps of the softest silk. Their tusks glittered with the purest gold. The boys stood, open-mouthed for a time. Then Thor leapt out of his tree and, as one, they all ran after the tremendous thundering herd.
The largest of the Wise Ones approached the dais where Great Brahma now stood, along with Shiva and the tiny boy. One of the Wise One's great tusks had been broken.
“I suppose you'll expect to pick a name?” Brahma boomed. If he was intimidated at all by the enormous broken-tusked being, he showed absolutely no sign of it.
The Wise One laced out a trunk, and the boy eagerly snuggled into it. He cradled the boy. “He will be Ganesha. He will be Lord Remover of Obstacles,” said the great being. The little boy's eyes shone clear and bright.
“What is a mover of obsticks?” whispered Vali, as the boys crouched in the back.
“He'll go around picking up elephant shit,” snickered Skanda.
“He will serve the Wise Ones,” came a voice from behind them. Everybody flinched. Baldr stooped over and picked up Tyr, who was sucking a thumb.
“What does that even MEAN, Baldie?” snorted Thor.
“Dad says no on is sure what the Wise Ones want. But, they brought him back after he died, so they must have something in mind.”
“He was DEAD?” asked Vali, open-mouthed.
“Uh-huh,” said Baldr.
“Shiva KILLED HIM,” Thor told Vali, who quavered in terror.
“Did you see him when he was dead?” Vali whispered to Skanda.
“Yeah. His elephant guts were ALL OVER,” Skanda, who had actually been nowhere near, told him.
“And then his mom got the Wise Ones to bring him back,” said Baldr.
“Your mom did that?” Vali asked the frowning Skanda.
“Women cannot do such things!” declared Thor.
“She doesn't always behave as she should,” Skanda told them. “One should indulge women,” he repeated, “as they are weaker.”
“My dad says women are stronger,” said Baldr. “My dad says the best swordsman in the universe is a woman!”
“Who?” demanded Skanda.
“Well, he hasn't actually met her,” Baldr explained. “And it sort of makes my mom angry, so he doesn't bring it up....”
“WHY ARE YOU HIDING BACK HERE? SUCH NONSENSE!” The boys all jumped to the sound of Brahma's scolding. “Shiva, why is your boy back here gossiping like an old biddy during his brother's ceremony?”
“Brahma, you old fart, this crap is boring as hell for boys!” Wotan answered while Shiva remained in furious silence. “Why I remember-”
“Boring crap! My Naming ceremony?” rumbled Great Brahma.
“Ah hells bells!” growled Wotan right back. “Don't be a stick in the mud.”
Seven full feet of sputtering mad red Hindu god glared at Wotan.
Wotan glared back. “Now, you need to properly introduce Ganesh to the boys.”
“This is Ganesha,” Brahma told the boys, setting down the small child he had been holding.
“He is going to come on the hunt with us!” vowed Wotan. “What do you think of that?”
“I like hunts!” agreed Vali.
“I am the best hunter,” announced Thor.
“Will we go on an elephant hunt?” grumbled Skanda.
There was a silence.
Skanda, who was not a terribly insightful boy, nevertheless sensed that for once, his insult had gone too far. Shiva made to reach for him, but Wotan held him back with an arm.
“Have ye ever been on a hunt along with the Wise Ones then, young man?” inquired Wotan. He crouched down, so he was on one knee, but still looking down on the now nervous boy. Skanda shook his head, too terrified to speak.
“When they hunt,” Wotan told him, leaning in close, “- and they don't hunt often - they don't hunt for sport. They hunt for blood.”
Skanda felt a shiver go through him. He unconsciously glanced at his little brother.
“Now, come on!” said Wotan, rising. “There's food at the ceremony! Are any of you little beggars hungry?”
There were several cries of yeah, and Wotan and an still fuming Brahma led off the hungry mob.
Ganesh felt a hand grip his. He looked up.
“Your brother's kind of an ass,” Baldr told him.
Ganesh shook his head. “Kanda is sad.”
“Why is he sad?”
“He dun't got maddick.”
Baldr squinted down at Ganesh. “He doesn't have magic? You can see that?”
Ganesh nodded. “Kanda gots no colors round him.”
Baldr frowned at Ganesh, but didn't say anything. “Well. You wanna go eat?” Ganesh smiled and took his hand, and the two boys approached the banquet tables.
Dreamtime, the present day....
“Goddammit, Mom, I TOLD YOU TO CALL FIRST!” Raziel thundered.
The Goddess smirked at Raziel. “Perhaps it is not too late for you to finally learn some manners, little one.”
“My sword won't seem little when it's up your ass,” Raziel snarled.
“You dare?” asked the Goddess, her composure a bit askew.
“Gimme back my fucking kids, or you'll be shitting blood for the next seven centuries,” Raziel told her, brandishing the sword.
Charles was struggling not to grin. He realized full well he should be urging Raziel to shut the fuck up, but he couldn't seem to help himself. He supposed that he owed some kind of gratitude to Her. Without Her meddling, he reckoned, he might never have lived. Or even been born in the first place.
“Those children are a threat!” the Goddess insisted. “You have been mixing races that for the good of the universe should not be mixed! We are attempting to clean up your mess.”
“Oh bullshit. You're just pissed that Sariel didn't kill the Creator for you.”
“What is this?” asked Gabriel. He was one of two giant Seraphim warriors flanking the Goddess.
“It's nonsense,” the Goddess scoffed.
“You didn't tell him?” Raziel taunted. “She always gets others to do her dirty work, Gabriel. Like you.”
“I am not at her bidding,” Gabriel snapped.
“SILENCE!” ordered the Goddess. Gabriel, who was not at her bidding, nevertheless shut his trap. “Unlike Him,” she sniffed, “I am merciful. This is why I have come to reason with you today.”
“Reason. Which is why you brought along the fucking Legion,” Charles snapped.
“I said silence, Sariel!”
“I don't go by Sariel any more, and I sure as hell ain't gonna kiss your ass like your butt boy, Gabriel.” Gabriel glowered, but remained silent. “AND I want my fucking kid back too or you're gonna be fucking sipping your meals through a straw for the next seventeen motherfucking centuries!” Charles glanced over at Raziel, who was grinning at him.
“This is my home,” said Parvati, now stepping forward. “If you please, you two. I will deal with these … guests.”
“I'm supposed to trust YOU to protect my kids? Fat fucking chance,” Raziel sneered.
“You....” Parvati snapped, now furious. “You wore Orry-Kelly to the wedding! A NEW ORRY-KELLY!”
“Ha!”
“It's not ... ethical!”
“What the blazes are they nattering about?” the Goddess demanded.
“Fashion, BITCH!” said Raziel.
“Trivia,” She scoffed.
“Trivia?” answered Raziel.
“TRIVIA?” fumed Parvati. “ORRY-KELLY IS NEVER TRIVIAL!”
“You can't possibly be serious,” She scoffed, regarding her fingernails.
“She probably doesn't even know who Edith Head is,” Raziel snorted.
“You are most,” said Parvati, now popping out a sword, and another arm and a sword, and another arm and a sword, and another, and another, “UNWELCOME here.”
“Perhaps I should introduce my associates?” She told them. “This,” She said, indicating her left, “Is the Archangel Gabriel. Who I believe has already bested your son. Once. And this,” she pointed to her right, “Is the Archangel Uriah, who I believe you might know.”
“Who obviously wants to be killed again!' shouted Raziel, already flying at him.
“Raziel!' Parvati cautioned. Uriah remained frozen as Raziel flew at him. But then as she neared within striking distance, he suddenly extended a hand.
Raziel crashed to earth, seemingly unconscious.
"Raziel!" Charles screamed, flying to her side.
“Perhaps I should explain, thanks to your son's intervention, Uriah has been re-made,” She told them. “He can now not only borrow memories, he can absorb power.”
As Charles bent over her, Raziel suddenly brought up an arm to hook around his neck, and pressed her forehead against his.
He leapt into her mind.
“We need to lure Uriah away. He'll follow you.”
Charles cringed. He glanced at Uriah, who, to his horror, met his eyes. Uriah licked his lips.
Charles steeled himself, grabbed Raziel, and took wing. “Suck my angelic dick!” he screamed at Uriah.
“My pleasure,” purred the big angel, who was instantly in pursuit.
“URIAH!” She boomed. “Get your Seraphic ass BACK HERE!” But he blithely ignored the Goddess and flew, and soon the threesome was out of sight.
Nathan, who had been watching everything from the back of the pack, turned to the vodouisants. "Orula dude, can't you guys order your badass zombie army to deal with those assholes?" he muttered to them conspiratorially.
"Well, yes, Nathan!” Orula told him. “Zombies do ameliorate those scruffy angel types. Unfortunately, we haven't the materials at present."
"Huh. What do you mean, dude?"
"They burn their dead here. Not a lot of leftover material, if you're going to reanimate."
"Oi,” agreed Chango. “Just some bone bits, and they don't scare nobody."
"They're awfully itchy. The ashes,” said Orula.
"Oi yeah, and if you have allergies."
The two Ifa chuckled.
"Orula, you ams needs da deads guys for your zombonis?" inquired Toki.
"Why, yes, Toki, we were just explaining...."
"Because, dere ams a graveyards, just up da roads,” Toki said, pointing.
"Really?" asked Orula, his eyes lighting up. He and Chango exchanged an excited glance, Chango suddenly whipping his boa around his neck.
"Sure! We ams do our bestest protests out dere!" Toki assured them.
“Murderface,” barked Nathan.
“Yeah?” answered the bassist.
“Get the car.”
Ganesh gritted his teeth as he watched Sariel fly off with Raziel. He ached to follow. But he had also seen Orula and Chango slip away with some band members, and guessed they had something in mind. At least he prayed they had something in mind.
“Do all your troops obey you in this manner?” Parvati inquired of the still fuming Goddess.
“Silence!” warned the Goddess.
“No one speaks to me that way in my house,” Parvati fumed, brandishing her sabers.
“I speak anything anywhere I want,” the Goddess told her.
Parvati pointed a blade at the Goddess. “Your associate murdered my son.”
“No more than you've done, or so I understand, dear,” smirked the Goddess.
“I demand satisfaction,” said Parvati, raising her swords.
“Oh, this will be fun,” She laughed.
“Goddess!” said Gabriel. “We haven't the time!”
“Oh, be a sport Gabriel. This will be a bit of amusement, and then we can get to the real fun.”
“But-”
“Gabriel. My sword!” she ordered.
“She can't conjure a blade?” Parvati did not take her eyes of the Goddess, but cocked her ear to the soft sound of her son's voice. She had not heard him approach.
“Evidently not,” she told him.
“She cannot win by skill, Mother. She will win by trickery. Be wary.”
“You are wise, my son.”
“If you can buy us time....” he said, so softly, it was like the sighing of the wind.
She nodded, almost imperceptibly.
Pickles sidled up to the Norns, who were smoking and watching the interplay.
“Angels,” huffed Urd.
“I don't want to appear prejudiced, but really,” sighed Verdandi.
“They're just too, too,” agreed Urd.
“Witch doods, I gotta question,” said Pickles.
“What do you need, dahrling?” inquired Urd, irritably flicking ashes.
“Dat contract, it wuz blown up, but it wuzn't broken?”
“No, dahrling, really, it was written by my dearest friend, and entertainment lawyer,” Verdandi told him flicking back her red hair. “There's no way to break it. While you still draw breath,” she added.
“While I breathe?” asked Pickles.
“Verdandi! No!” warned Skuld.
“Skuld, really, he's our client, he deserves to have full faith and credit, doesn't he?” asked Verdandi. “And the contract is iron clad. Until you no longer exist.”
“Until I....” asked Pickles.
“Oh, don't be naïve, dear! You could solve all this, you know,” Urd told Pickles. “You're a rock star, aren't you? Just go toddle off and find some vomit to choke on.”
“Or a tacky little aircraft. That usually works for you Americans.”
“Pickles,” said Skuld. “Don't listen to them.”
“I, uh, gotta go,” he said.
He rushed out, around to the back of the palace, and was nearly run over by a hybrid Cadillac.
“PICKLES WE'RE GOING TO FORM A LEGION OF THE UNDEAD!” Nathan urged from the back. “Wanna come?”
“No. Nat'an, dood. I, uh, got somethin' I gotta do.”
“Whoa, look at that guy take off,” marveled Nathan.
“Schould I keep driving?” asked Murderface.
“Yeah, dude, let's go.”
Charles was feeling a bit drunk.
The trouble was – and it was a mighty big trouble – if you got within striking distance of Uriah, you also got within the distance of his new absorption powers.
Charles had managed to flit fairly close, but not enough to do more than annoy the big Seraph. And Uriah had gotten him twice so far, meaning Raziel had to swoop in from where she was hiding (which didn't help her mood, as she wasn't the type to flee from danger), rescue him and recharge him for the next round.
“Fucking motherfucking fuckface fucker,” grumbled Raziel, her hair steaming from the power up.
“You sound like you've been hanging around with my dad,” Charles laughed weakly. “Hey, you notice Uriah doesn't seem to be absorbing the power?”
“You mean he doesn't seem more powerful?” Raziel asked, dropping his hands.
“Yeah.”
“I think you're right. He might work like me?”
“A battery, in reverse?”
“Yeah. You notice he's gotta be standing on the ground to do it?”
Charles and Raziel stared at each other.
“Maybe get his Achilles tendons? Knock him down?” Charles proposed.
“He won't be as maneuverable. That might work. Can you do it?”
“No fucking clue.”
A tremendous shadow crossed the sun.
“Fuck,” added Raziel.
Charles flew. This was the secret, engage him in midair, before he could land, and pull his trick. But Uriah was much bigger, and Charles had never been terribly confident about flying, much less trying to wield a sword at the same time. He felt like a mosquito, a mere irritant. Soon to be slapped, he was certain.
“HEY, BIG ANGEL DOUCHEBAG.”
“Oh, fuck no,” whispered Charles.
The big Seraph grinned hungrily and dove for the red haired figure standing on the ridge, wildly waving at hm.
Charles saw Raziel's dark wings out of the corner of his eye. He dove towards Pickles.
Uriah alit. And stuck out his hand.
Pickles braced, squeezing his eyes shut. Suddenly he felt something around him, smothering him.
And then falling.
“SARIEL!”
Raziel was tearing something away from Pickles, pulling him up by the scruff of the neck. He scrambled up, gasping for breath.
Charles' wings.
“Sariel!” Raziel called, more frantic now. She threw her head on Charles' chest, ear over his heart.
And then she was looking at Pickles, gripping his shoulder so tightly it hurt. She pushed him down on top of Charles. “Stay here,” she ordered. “Play dead.”
And then she was aloft. “HEY, FUCKFACE!” she screamed at Uriah. She fled, the large angel in pursuit.
Ganesh turned, staring at the horizon. He could hear his own breathing. His heart suddenly felt as if it would burst.
He forced himself to stay rooted to the spot.
His mother was kicking the Goddess's ass.
He didn't often see her in her Kali aspect, but it was magnificent. Her many blades shone in the sun.
The Goddess was obviously less gifted, and seemed to be mostly making defensive moves. Ganesh was trying to figure out what the hell she had in mind. And meanwhile, the angelic troops, hovering overhead, seemed to grow restless as the duel continued.
There was a mighty clang. The Goddess' sword had broken.
Parvati held her sabers high. “Do you yield?” she demanded.
And then she screamed, one of her sword arms gone, as Gabriel stood over her, grinning.
“MOTHER!” shouted Ganesh. He rushed to her side.
The Goddess laughed, an unhinged cackle. And then, quite suddenly, she was no longer there.
Gabriel grinned. He raised his sword again.
Charles jerked awake, naked, in a very familiar garden.
“Oh, shit, not again,” he grumbled.
A very large, very red god was strolling by, pink Financial Times nestled under one of his many arms.
"Brahma!"
"Sariel the angel? You are here? What is your soul doing in my garden? That is passing strange. You know, you have a talent for cocking up my bookkeeping!"
"Brahma!” pleaded Charles. “I've got to go back! I've got to go back now! I can't do the meditating by the fucking pool bullshit! This is really important! You've got to send me back!"
"This is.... This is highly irregular!" sputtered Brahma.
There was the sound of a horn, and then thundering hooves.
A great hunting party rode up, led by Lord Shiva himself.
The blue god dismounted and strode up to Charles and Brahma.
"Shiva!" shouted Brahma. "What is the meaning of this? You are trampling my hydrangeas again!"
"Uh, sorry, Shiva, if iId have known, I would've worn pants," Charles sighed.
Shiva approached Charles and began to speak.
"What's he saying?" Charles asked.
"My son," translated Brahma.
"Your son? Ganesh is OK. I just need to get back to him!" Charles told him.
"Dēvadūta Sariel, mera beta," said Shiva. And with that, he tapped Charles on the forehead with a finger, leaving a red tilaka mark.
"Shiva, you can't...." Brahma began.
And Charles fell through the floor of the gardens.
“Holy shit. I guess you can,” commented Brahma.
Charles jerked up. "Gods damn it! Second time that's fucking happened!" he thundered. Annoyed, he extended his arms, already holding swords.
And then he extended six more arms, also holding swords.
"FUCKING SWEET!" he shouted. He jumped up and looked over to where Pickles was sitting, teary-eyed, staring at him. “Which way?” he demanded.
Pickles looked at him, open-mouthed.
“Where did Raziel go?” Charles repeated.
Pickles pointed.
Gabriel readied himself for the death blow.
Ganesh leapt between Gabriel and Parvati, throwing a protective arm over his mother.
“Stand aside,” Gabriel hissed at the god. “She has been bested.”
“I will not,” stated Ganesh.
“I said, stand aside.”
Ganesh glared up at him. “And I said, no.”
“Ganesha....” Parvati whispered, pleading.
“Stand aside, or be cut down,” snarled Gabriel.
“Never.”
Gabriel tensed and raised his sword once again. But suddenly, the clouds parted, and a blinding beam of light cut through, illuminating the center of the courtyard with a holy light.
There were three beings standing there.
The Creator stepped forward and bowed before Ganesh. He glanced back. “My dear,” he said to the woman who accompanied him.
Amber stepped forward and presented Ganesh with a sword.
"I believe you might need this,” said the Creator.
Ganesh took it.
On the hilt it said, "Vighnesha, Vighnesvara."
Michael, the other being accompanying the Creator, was now cradling Parvati in his arms. "We will care for her,” said the Creator. “You have something to do, my son."
And He stopped and glared at Gabriel. “This will teach you motherfuckers to mess with my Corazon de Azul,” he grumbled as a parting shot.
Raziel was experiencing something very new to her.
Defeat.
She knelt on the ground now, letting herself be supported by her sword.
If she came in close enough to strike Uriah, it was also within range for him to drain her power. So she would strike, and then limp far enough away to repower. But it was a losing battle. Each time, he would catch up quicker, take more, and leave her struggling to fly away. And each time, she would have less time to recharge. Soon, she would have no time at all.
She sensed him approaching again. She tried with all her might to speed the process, but it wasn't something she could control. She swung around, barely able to even lift her sword.
"Hey, Uriah!" came a familiar voice. The large angel turned, licking his lips.
Sariel. And he was carrying swords. And two more swords. And two more swords. And two more. Raziel blinked. She was losing her mind.
Charles flourished eight swords with his eight arms. "SUCK THIS, URIAH!" he laughed. Uriah was already lunging at him, a hungry predator.
In truth, Charles didn't have any idea what to do with all those extra arms. He thought distractedly he should ask Ganesh about it when he got the chance. The cool thing was, with all those swords, he didn't actually have to be a very good swordsman to be pretty damned annoying.
But that was also the trouble. He easily fought Uriah to a draw, but wasn't exactly certain what he could do about winning. It was like a mosquito fighting an elephant. Another one to ask of Ganesh.
And then Uriah landed a good one to one of his swords, pushing Charles back. He blinked. And felt small arms encircling his waist. Power. Glorious power. Lots of it. As much as he could drink.
“Finish the bastard,” Raziel whispered in his ear.
He grinned at Uriah. He lowered his swords. '
And opened his third eye.
Uriah froze. He turned, as if to retreat, but stood instead, frozen in Charles' deadly eyebeam. He opened his mouth, as if to scream.
And then he was no more.
Raziel and Charles collapsed in a heap, panting for a while.
“That was pretty cool!” Charles enthused.
The angels looked east.
It was the distinct sound … of disco music.
Orula and Chango were there on the horizon. And the crazy bastards were dancing.
And singing.
When you're fucked up by some angels
Gotta raid the charnel houses in the town
If you can't away screaming
Then my undead hoards are gonna bring you down
'Cause we're the zombie masters, night and day
Marauding undead, that's the only way
And as they sang, an army rose in back of them. Slowly, as Chango and Orula only worked with slow zombies, fast zombies of course being ridiculous.
So tonight
Gonna leave the body parts scattered around
And just go rip apart
You
If the message of my music don't get to you
Then life is gonna suck
If you don't flee now, ducks
Your life is gonna suck
Zombies are gonna fuck....
But eventually, the entire field behind the Ifa was filled with dancing undead.
You can howl out all you want to
'Cause it ain't nice to feel your entrails ripped
Just go ahead and shout it
In voodoo ain't no one to hear you scream
'Cause we're the zombie masters night and day
Chango and Orula, that's our way!
Charles and Raziel watched as, column after column, the angelic army started to swarm towards the zombies. In truth, they hadn't much chance. Angels consider the undead unholy things, which they are. Angles are, therefore, terrified of them.
And there is no way to win a battle with terror.
There were many screams.
So tonight
Gonna leave those body parts down on the road
They were parts of yourself
Dude
Let the madness in our magic slaughter you
Life is getting suck now
If you let my zombies fuck you!
Your life is gonna suck
Zombies are gonna fuck...
You!
“We gotta get back,” Charles told Raziel. She nodded, and they flew.
I challenge you!" Ganesh shouted at Gabriel, flourishing his sword. "By right of Blood Feud!"
"You haven't the right, earth god."
And Ganesh took one step forward. And as he stepped, his magnificent wings unfurled behind him: dark feathers, with silvery tips.
"Holy...." said Gabriel.
And Ganesh took a second step. And the sky darkened.
Gabriel took one panicked step backwards.
And as Ganesh took a third step towards Gabriel, the earth trembled beneath his feet.
"Ganesh," Charles whispered as he and Raziel landed. She was gripping his arm. “That's.... But that's not Ganesh.”
Raziel stared. He was right. The winged being looked somehow younger, more slender.
And Ganesh took a fourth step. And the clouds parted, to illuminate him with a single shaft of light.
"Damn but I wish I had nachos for this," Nathan enthused.
And Ganesh took a fifth step. He was so very near Gabriel now.
“I am the alpha, and the omega,” he said. “The first. And the last.”
And Ganesh took a sixth step. And he raised his sword high.
"Can we, um, maybe talk about this?" asked Gabriel.
And Ganesh took a seventh step.
And he brought the sword down on Gabriel, and smote Gabriel's sword in two, and the mighty Archangel fell.
"Dude wasn't in a talking mood," laughed Nathan.
And the Legion, still battling the undead army, trembled at the death of the mighty Archangel. The ones who could still fly howled and flew, flying away, until they were just dust motes on the horizon.
Charles and Raziel ran to Ganesh's side.
“How the hell did you do that?” Charles asked. The wings were gone. And Ganesh looked stunned.
“I don't have any idea. Holy Christ What happened to you?”
Charles grinned and flexed his many arms. “I'll show you later,” he winked.
“Will you guys stop that for one minute!” Raziel scolded.
“No,” Charles grinned.
“I didn't think so.”
“Dudes! DID WE WIN!” yelled Nathan, just pulling up in the Murderwagon.
“For now, Nathan.”
“WHOA, dude, cool!”
“Is it kick ass?” Charles asked flourishing the arms.
Nathan paused.
“You know, you ams has to give dis credit,” Skwisgaar told Nathan.
“It'sch kick assch!” Murderface laughed from the car.
“But what shall we do now?” Ganesh asked. “We are all apparently still trapped in this dream world.”
“Isn't it obvious?” asked Charles.
“Uh, no,” said Raziel.
Charles pointed several hands in the direction of the car. “My band plays. Right?” he asked Nathan. “That'll wake everybody up.”
“NOTHING IS DETHKLOK PROOF!” Nathan happily agreed.
“Get Chango to electrify some instruments,” Charles told Orula.
He watched as Raziel suddenly ran off. She tackled Pickles, who had just walked up. “Oh my god I'm so glad you're OK.”
“I wuz fine Raz dood,” he assured her.
Charles was standing in front of him, sighing.
“I-” said Pickles.
“If you EVER do anything like that again, I will KILL YOU MYSELF!” Charles warned him.
“Yeh, dood.”
“Don't worry, I won't let him,” Raziel assured him, giving him a kiss and running off.
“T'anks, dood,” Pickles said.
“I told you. I will always be here for you.”
Pickles nodded.
“Now, we need you to play with the band. To break the spell.”
“Anyt'ing, Chief.”
Nathan took the first verse.
Oh, this dream is threatening
Reality today
If I don't get ranch Doritos
There's gonna be hell to pay
Whoa, douche bags, we're gonna dream away, we're gonna dream away
Whoa, assholes, we'll send this dream away, it's sending me astray
And then Pickles sang.
Doods dis unmellow land is
Harshing my buzz today
Burns like a dime bag doobie
My herb lackin' THC
Motherdouchers, we'll send this dream away, wanna hot tub today
Whoa, jerkwads, wanna wake up today, tangled in groupies hey
A heavenly light appeared, and Michael was standing in the audience. He gently placed Parvati on the ground. Ganesh ran to her side. Her missing arm had been replaced by the most beautiful, delicate golden mechanical arm. She smiled, and gently touched the side of Ganesh's face with golden fingers, inlaid with jewels.
“Tell the Creator, thank you,” Ganesh told Michael.
“The Creator asks you to be wary. She will not stop at this.”
Ganesh nodded sadly.
Meanwhile, Urd had stumbled onstage and had grabbed a microphone to take a solo. Charles thought this was the first time a woman had ever sang with Dethklok. And survived.
Mick! Bianca! Wanna go discoing with you at 54
Keith! Anita! Wanna do black magic we got some kicky spells
Mick! And Keith! You're our guiding stars! Help us get outta here yeah yeah yeah....
Whoa, this dream is threat'ning
My rock star life today
If I don't get back to my media room
Gonna blow some dudes away
Whoa, douchebags, we're gonna crush the dream with our metal power
Whoa, fuckers, gonna wake up today with screaming girls and our bankrolls yeah....
Charles glanced over to Parvati's palace. There seemed to be someone in the doorway. Hypnos? He hadn't seen her in a while. She seemed to be beckoning him. Glancing back at his band, he walked towards the palace. It seemed farther away than he had imagined. Dethklok's boistrous noise quieted, as if it were miles away. At last he reached the threshold, but he could no longer see Hypnos.
Charles pitched over, and fell flat on the floor.
Of Ganesh's kitchen.
He looked up, blinking, for a moment, and then set off running.
He did not breathe again until he heard the soft snores and saw little fluttering wings. He exhaled, supporting himself on the side of the crib.
He picked up his Dethphone and looked at the text he had just received. “R: ALL OK HERE, S” he wrote back. He grinned ear to ear at the next text message. “COOL RNCH DRTOS FTW.”
He whirled around as the door opened.
“What has happened?” demanded Ganesh.
“The dream world is making incursions onto the world of wakefulness,” said Hypnos, looking at the empty crate that had at one time held Uriah's head. She, Phanuel, Wotan and Raziel stood in the room at Valhalla. There was overturned and broken furniture everywhere. It looked like it had been hit by a whirlwind.
And there was blood.
“Is this serious?” asked Wotan.
“It could be the end of everything,” Hypnos sighed.
“Yeah. I was afraid of that,” grumbled Raziel.
“You can let me off my lap, you know,” said Charles.
“I can't believe you died,” murmured Ganesh, holding Charles even tighter as they sat on the couch.
“I got better. Anyway, that shit is getting routine.”
“Even in a dream....” Ganesh said.
“Ah. Your Uncle Brahma sent me right back.”
Ganesh loosened his grip to that. “My Uncle Brahma?”
“Yeah.”
“Why did you go to Heaven? You're an angel?”
“OK,” laughed Charles, “That sounded a bit weird.”
“I mean, why would you go to our Heaven? That doesn't make any sense.”
“Brahma was fussing about it. But he's always fussing. But, anyway, your dad came and-”
“My father?”
“Yeah! Shiva rode up and whacked me on the head, and I came back.”
Ganesh was silent for a moment. “My father has the power...? That is really weird, Sariel. And I had wings?”
“I'm not totally sure it was you. Or you were you.”
“Who was I then?”
“Ganesh. Black and silver wings?”
Ganesh frowned, and both looked over to Elias, who was contentedly playing on the floor.
“How would he even do that?” Ganesh wondered.
“I suspect the Creator had a hand in it. The sword?”
“The sword from your dream, and my dream, which is now somehow located on our coffee table?” It was true. Vighnesha, Vighneshvara, the sword that Vulcan had forged so long ago, and which Charles had later let drop in the Creator's house, was now lying on the low table in front of the couch.
“Yeah. Boon has powers. I think that's what this was about. I think they're afraid of him.”
“I take it that's not good?” asked Ganesh.
“They were afraid of me. So, yeah.”
“How much if it was a dream, and how much, like the sword, has ended up in reality?” Ganesh mused.
“Well, it looks like Uriah is escaped, for one.”
“I don't appear to have a winged form at my disposal,” Ganesh confessed.
“Ah, they're more trouble than they're worth.”
Ganesh sighed and leaned over, dropping some of his arms from Charles. “Strange. I don't recall eating the rest of this pie," he mused, holding up an empty plate.
“Hrm. That's funny,” said Charles, suddenly snaking out a third arm to wipe pie crumbs from the edge of his mouth.
Ganesh stared.
“What?” smiled Charles.
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When angels attack.
Warnings: Some bad violence, character death
Notes: Notes after the jump.
Just an admin thing: I start my new job on Monday, so I wanted to finish off this arc beforehand. I do have a big bit of a next chapter in the word processor, but I think posting is gonna slow down a bit, at least for the next month. I take it this won't be an issue, as traffic is now really, really, really low.
Mythklok started life as a Metalocalypse AU. Then I added in a bunch of not-so-original OCs, begged, borrowed and outright stolen from half-remembered bits of various myths and legends. It's now sorta morphed into a mutant monster.
Last time: so, we're still mucking around in a weird altered universe. It looks like It's All a Dream, only it looks like the waking world too has sorta been screwed up by the discount witches Toki and Skwisgaar hired. Raziel managed to power up Sariel, and that in turn somehow woke up Parvati, but now Raziel's mom, The Goddess, has arrived with a couple of icky henchmen plus, as a bonus, a good portion of what's left of The Legion. Oh, and to make things even less interesting, we've also sorta been checking out Ganesh's childhood. Hint: things weren't all rosy.
Many years ago....
“Shiva! You blue bastard! How the hell are you!”
“Wotan, my old friend. Welcome to our Naming.” Shiva's palace in the grand Imperial City, always bustling, seemed especially crowded today. It appeared that every god and goddess on the Asian continent was there. They were all crowded into a grand patio in the back. The ornate gardens were beyond, and still further on, the untamed forests.
“Is this the little bugger?” the Norse god asked, not waiting for an answer before he seized the child from Shiva's arms. “Well, how are you? Are you ready for your Naming?”
“Dameday!” answered the child, arching his large ears.
“Oh! You're a clever little bastard! You sure he's one of yours, Shiva?” laughed Wotan. He didn't notice the dark storm cloud that momentarily passed Shiva's face. “We need to teach you to ride and hunt! Would you like that?” The child nodded enthusiastically. “What say you Shiva? I have boys of my own now.” He indicated the gaggle of more-or-less blond boys who had been trailing him. “This is Vali. Thor. Tyr,” he said, indicating the smallest boy, whose hair was reddish blond. “ And this rascal,” he said, indicating the tallest boy with a proud hand clapped on his shoulder, “is Baldr.”
Shiva regarded the menagerie with a dry eye. It was so like Wotan to mix in his full son with a bunch of bastards and halflings. “This is Skanda!” he said proudly of the boy who stood scowling, arms crossed, at his side.
“Well, hello there, young Skanda!” boomed Wotan, elaborately shaking the child's hand. “You'll come along and hunt with us, won't you? Come, Baldr,” he said, passing the small boy to the arms of his eldest son. “You watch over this one a moment while we adults have a chat.” He wrestled a huge arm over Shiva's shoulders, and half-dragged the smaller god off.
“Mind your brother, Skanda,” Shiva called back.
The boys now gathered around Baldr and his tiny charge. Vali tentatively reached out a finger and got poked by a small trunk. He giggled.
“It's weird,” tutted Thor.
“Is he a Jotun?” asked Vali.
“He's too small to be a Jotun, you idiot,” sniffed Thor, holding his head so you could see his already fine profile.
“My brother is a freak,” huffed Skanda. Ganesh's ears drooped.
“Let's pway!” suggested Tyr, and he, Thor, Skanda and Vali ran off towards the garden, laughing, Vali risking a second glance over his shoulder .
“It's OK,” Baldr told the small boy. “You can be my buddy. I'm Baldr!”
“Bawda?” tried the little boy, cocking his ears.
“Heh. Close enough.”
“What's a Naming like?” asked Vali, who had been too young to remember his own.
“Oh, it's the most boring thing ever,” Thor grumbled from his perch up in a tree. Even at this age, the god hadn't much patience for ceremonies that didn't concern himself. “A bunch of grownups get up and say boring stuff, and the baby squalls, and it goes on FOREVER.”
“What will they call your brother?” Vali asked Skanda.
“Probably Stupid. Or Stupid,” Skanda snorted, to much appreciative laughter.
“My dad says Lord Brahma always chooses Vishnu or Krishna,” Thor stated authoritatively.
There was a thundering, as of a thousand hoof beats. “What's that?” asked Vali. Tyr took his finger out of his nose to listen.
They appeared, out of the jungle, marching in formation. The Wise Ones. Dressed in their most resplendent finery, jeweled headdresses and glinting wraps of the softest silk. Their tusks glittered with the purest gold. The boys stood, open-mouthed for a time. Then Thor leapt out of his tree and, as one, they all ran after the tremendous thundering herd.
The largest of the Wise Ones approached the dais where Great Brahma now stood, along with Shiva and the tiny boy. One of the Wise One's great tusks had been broken.
“I suppose you'll expect to pick a name?” Brahma boomed. If he was intimidated at all by the enormous broken-tusked being, he showed absolutely no sign of it.
The Wise One laced out a trunk, and the boy eagerly snuggled into it. He cradled the boy. “He will be Ganesha. He will be Lord Remover of Obstacles,” said the great being. The little boy's eyes shone clear and bright.
“What is a mover of obsticks?” whispered Vali, as the boys crouched in the back.
“He'll go around picking up elephant shit,” snickered Skanda.
“He will serve the Wise Ones,” came a voice from behind them. Everybody flinched. Baldr stooped over and picked up Tyr, who was sucking a thumb.
“What does that even MEAN, Baldie?” snorted Thor.
“Dad says no on is sure what the Wise Ones want. But, they brought him back after he died, so they must have something in mind.”
“He was DEAD?” asked Vali, open-mouthed.
“Uh-huh,” said Baldr.
“Shiva KILLED HIM,” Thor told Vali, who quavered in terror.
“Did you see him when he was dead?” Vali whispered to Skanda.
“Yeah. His elephant guts were ALL OVER,” Skanda, who had actually been nowhere near, told him.
“And then his mom got the Wise Ones to bring him back,” said Baldr.
“Your mom did that?” Vali asked the frowning Skanda.
“Women cannot do such things!” declared Thor.
“She doesn't always behave as she should,” Skanda told them. “One should indulge women,” he repeated, “as they are weaker.”
“My dad says women are stronger,” said Baldr. “My dad says the best swordsman in the universe is a woman!”
“Who?” demanded Skanda.
“Well, he hasn't actually met her,” Baldr explained. “And it sort of makes my mom angry, so he doesn't bring it up....”
“WHY ARE YOU HIDING BACK HERE? SUCH NONSENSE!” The boys all jumped to the sound of Brahma's scolding. “Shiva, why is your boy back here gossiping like an old biddy during his brother's ceremony?”
“Brahma, you old fart, this crap is boring as hell for boys!” Wotan answered while Shiva remained in furious silence. “Why I remember-”
“Boring crap! My Naming ceremony?” rumbled Great Brahma.
“Ah hells bells!” growled Wotan right back. “Don't be a stick in the mud.”
Seven full feet of sputtering mad red Hindu god glared at Wotan.
Wotan glared back. “Now, you need to properly introduce Ganesh to the boys.”
“This is Ganesha,” Brahma told the boys, setting down the small child he had been holding.
“He is going to come on the hunt with us!” vowed Wotan. “What do you think of that?”
“I like hunts!” agreed Vali.
“I am the best hunter,” announced Thor.
“Will we go on an elephant hunt?” grumbled Skanda.
There was a silence.
Skanda, who was not a terribly insightful boy, nevertheless sensed that for once, his insult had gone too far. Shiva made to reach for him, but Wotan held him back with an arm.
“Have ye ever been on a hunt along with the Wise Ones then, young man?” inquired Wotan. He crouched down, so he was on one knee, but still looking down on the now nervous boy. Skanda shook his head, too terrified to speak.
“When they hunt,” Wotan told him, leaning in close, “- and they don't hunt often - they don't hunt for sport. They hunt for blood.”
Skanda felt a shiver go through him. He unconsciously glanced at his little brother.
“Now, come on!” said Wotan, rising. “There's food at the ceremony! Are any of you little beggars hungry?”
There were several cries of yeah, and Wotan and an still fuming Brahma led off the hungry mob.
Ganesh felt a hand grip his. He looked up.
“Your brother's kind of an ass,” Baldr told him.
Ganesh shook his head. “Kanda is sad.”
“Why is he sad?”
“He dun't got maddick.”
Baldr squinted down at Ganesh. “He doesn't have magic? You can see that?”
Ganesh nodded. “Kanda gots no colors round him.”
Baldr frowned at Ganesh, but didn't say anything. “Well. You wanna go eat?” Ganesh smiled and took his hand, and the two boys approached the banquet tables.
Dreamtime, the present day....
“Goddammit, Mom, I TOLD YOU TO CALL FIRST!” Raziel thundered.
The Goddess smirked at Raziel. “Perhaps it is not too late for you to finally learn some manners, little one.”
“My sword won't seem little when it's up your ass,” Raziel snarled.
“You dare?” asked the Goddess, her composure a bit askew.
“Gimme back my fucking kids, or you'll be shitting blood for the next seven centuries,” Raziel told her, brandishing the sword.
Charles was struggling not to grin. He realized full well he should be urging Raziel to shut the fuck up, but he couldn't seem to help himself. He supposed that he owed some kind of gratitude to Her. Without Her meddling, he reckoned, he might never have lived. Or even been born in the first place.
“Those children are a threat!” the Goddess insisted. “You have been mixing races that for the good of the universe should not be mixed! We are attempting to clean up your mess.”
“Oh bullshit. You're just pissed that Sariel didn't kill the Creator for you.”
“What is this?” asked Gabriel. He was one of two giant Seraphim warriors flanking the Goddess.
“It's nonsense,” the Goddess scoffed.
“You didn't tell him?” Raziel taunted. “She always gets others to do her dirty work, Gabriel. Like you.”
“I am not at her bidding,” Gabriel snapped.
“SILENCE!” ordered the Goddess. Gabriel, who was not at her bidding, nevertheless shut his trap. “Unlike Him,” she sniffed, “I am merciful. This is why I have come to reason with you today.”
“Reason. Which is why you brought along the fucking Legion,” Charles snapped.
“I said silence, Sariel!”
“I don't go by Sariel any more, and I sure as hell ain't gonna kiss your ass like your butt boy, Gabriel.” Gabriel glowered, but remained silent. “AND I want my fucking kid back too or you're gonna be fucking sipping your meals through a straw for the next seventeen motherfucking centuries!” Charles glanced over at Raziel, who was grinning at him.
“This is my home,” said Parvati, now stepping forward. “If you please, you two. I will deal with these … guests.”
“I'm supposed to trust YOU to protect my kids? Fat fucking chance,” Raziel sneered.
“You....” Parvati snapped, now furious. “You wore Orry-Kelly to the wedding! A NEW ORRY-KELLY!”
“Ha!”
“It's not ... ethical!”
“What the blazes are they nattering about?” the Goddess demanded.
“Fashion, BITCH!” said Raziel.
“Trivia,” She scoffed.
“Trivia?” answered Raziel.
“TRIVIA?” fumed Parvati. “ORRY-KELLY IS NEVER TRIVIAL!”
“You can't possibly be serious,” She scoffed, regarding her fingernails.
“She probably doesn't even know who Edith Head is,” Raziel snorted.
“You are most,” said Parvati, now popping out a sword, and another arm and a sword, and another arm and a sword, and another, and another, “UNWELCOME here.”
“Perhaps I should introduce my associates?” She told them. “This,” She said, indicating her left, “Is the Archangel Gabriel. Who I believe has already bested your son. Once. And this,” she pointed to her right, “Is the Archangel Uriah, who I believe you might know.”
“Who obviously wants to be killed again!' shouted Raziel, already flying at him.
“Raziel!' Parvati cautioned. Uriah remained frozen as Raziel flew at him. But then as she neared within striking distance, he suddenly extended a hand.
Raziel crashed to earth, seemingly unconscious.
"Raziel!" Charles screamed, flying to her side.
“Perhaps I should explain, thanks to your son's intervention, Uriah has been re-made,” She told them. “He can now not only borrow memories, he can absorb power.”
As Charles bent over her, Raziel suddenly brought up an arm to hook around his neck, and pressed her forehead against his.
He leapt into her mind.
“We need to lure Uriah away. He'll follow you.”
Charles cringed. He glanced at Uriah, who, to his horror, met his eyes. Uriah licked his lips.
Charles steeled himself, grabbed Raziel, and took wing. “Suck my angelic dick!” he screamed at Uriah.
“My pleasure,” purred the big angel, who was instantly in pursuit.
“URIAH!” She boomed. “Get your Seraphic ass BACK HERE!” But he blithely ignored the Goddess and flew, and soon the threesome was out of sight.
Nathan, who had been watching everything from the back of the pack, turned to the vodouisants. "Orula dude, can't you guys order your badass zombie army to deal with those assholes?" he muttered to them conspiratorially.
"Well, yes, Nathan!” Orula told him. “Zombies do ameliorate those scruffy angel types. Unfortunately, we haven't the materials at present."
"Huh. What do you mean, dude?"
"They burn their dead here. Not a lot of leftover material, if you're going to reanimate."
"Oi,” agreed Chango. “Just some bone bits, and they don't scare nobody."
"They're awfully itchy. The ashes,” said Orula.
"Oi yeah, and if you have allergies."
The two Ifa chuckled.
"Orula, you ams needs da deads guys for your zombonis?" inquired Toki.
"Why, yes, Toki, we were just explaining...."
"Because, dere ams a graveyards, just up da roads,” Toki said, pointing.
"Really?" asked Orula, his eyes lighting up. He and Chango exchanged an excited glance, Chango suddenly whipping his boa around his neck.
"Sure! We ams do our bestest protests out dere!" Toki assured them.
“Murderface,” barked Nathan.
“Yeah?” answered the bassist.
“Get the car.”
Ganesh gritted his teeth as he watched Sariel fly off with Raziel. He ached to follow. But he had also seen Orula and Chango slip away with some band members, and guessed they had something in mind. At least he prayed they had something in mind.
“Do all your troops obey you in this manner?” Parvati inquired of the still fuming Goddess.
“Silence!” warned the Goddess.
“No one speaks to me that way in my house,” Parvati fumed, brandishing her sabers.
“I speak anything anywhere I want,” the Goddess told her.
Parvati pointed a blade at the Goddess. “Your associate murdered my son.”
“No more than you've done, or so I understand, dear,” smirked the Goddess.
“I demand satisfaction,” said Parvati, raising her swords.
“Oh, this will be fun,” She laughed.
“Goddess!” said Gabriel. “We haven't the time!”
“Oh, be a sport Gabriel. This will be a bit of amusement, and then we can get to the real fun.”
“But-”
“Gabriel. My sword!” she ordered.
“She can't conjure a blade?” Parvati did not take her eyes of the Goddess, but cocked her ear to the soft sound of her son's voice. She had not heard him approach.
“Evidently not,” she told him.
“She cannot win by skill, Mother. She will win by trickery. Be wary.”
“You are wise, my son.”
“If you can buy us time....” he said, so softly, it was like the sighing of the wind.
She nodded, almost imperceptibly.
Pickles sidled up to the Norns, who were smoking and watching the interplay.
“Angels,” huffed Urd.
“I don't want to appear prejudiced, but really,” sighed Verdandi.
“They're just too, too,” agreed Urd.
“Witch doods, I gotta question,” said Pickles.
“What do you need, dahrling?” inquired Urd, irritably flicking ashes.
“Dat contract, it wuz blown up, but it wuzn't broken?”
“No, dahrling, really, it was written by my dearest friend, and entertainment lawyer,” Verdandi told him flicking back her red hair. “There's no way to break it. While you still draw breath,” she added.
“While I breathe?” asked Pickles.
“Verdandi! No!” warned Skuld.
“Skuld, really, he's our client, he deserves to have full faith and credit, doesn't he?” asked Verdandi. “And the contract is iron clad. Until you no longer exist.”
“Until I....” asked Pickles.
“Oh, don't be naïve, dear! You could solve all this, you know,” Urd told Pickles. “You're a rock star, aren't you? Just go toddle off and find some vomit to choke on.”
“Or a tacky little aircraft. That usually works for you Americans.”
“Pickles,” said Skuld. “Don't listen to them.”
“I, uh, gotta go,” he said.
He rushed out, around to the back of the palace, and was nearly run over by a hybrid Cadillac.
“PICKLES WE'RE GOING TO FORM A LEGION OF THE UNDEAD!” Nathan urged from the back. “Wanna come?”
“No. Nat'an, dood. I, uh, got somethin' I gotta do.”
“Whoa, look at that guy take off,” marveled Nathan.
“Schould I keep driving?” asked Murderface.
“Yeah, dude, let's go.”
Charles was feeling a bit drunk.
The trouble was – and it was a mighty big trouble – if you got within striking distance of Uriah, you also got within the distance of his new absorption powers.
Charles had managed to flit fairly close, but not enough to do more than annoy the big Seraph. And Uriah had gotten him twice so far, meaning Raziel had to swoop in from where she was hiding (which didn't help her mood, as she wasn't the type to flee from danger), rescue him and recharge him for the next round.
“Fucking motherfucking fuckface fucker,” grumbled Raziel, her hair steaming from the power up.
“You sound like you've been hanging around with my dad,” Charles laughed weakly. “Hey, you notice Uriah doesn't seem to be absorbing the power?”
“You mean he doesn't seem more powerful?” Raziel asked, dropping his hands.
“Yeah.”
“I think you're right. He might work like me?”
“A battery, in reverse?”
“Yeah. You notice he's gotta be standing on the ground to do it?”
Charles and Raziel stared at each other.
“Maybe get his Achilles tendons? Knock him down?” Charles proposed.
“He won't be as maneuverable. That might work. Can you do it?”
“No fucking clue.”
A tremendous shadow crossed the sun.
“Fuck,” added Raziel.
Charles flew. This was the secret, engage him in midair, before he could land, and pull his trick. But Uriah was much bigger, and Charles had never been terribly confident about flying, much less trying to wield a sword at the same time. He felt like a mosquito, a mere irritant. Soon to be slapped, he was certain.
“HEY, BIG ANGEL DOUCHEBAG.”
“Oh, fuck no,” whispered Charles.
The big Seraph grinned hungrily and dove for the red haired figure standing on the ridge, wildly waving at hm.
Charles saw Raziel's dark wings out of the corner of his eye. He dove towards Pickles.
Uriah alit. And stuck out his hand.
Pickles braced, squeezing his eyes shut. Suddenly he felt something around him, smothering him.
And then falling.
“SARIEL!”
Raziel was tearing something away from Pickles, pulling him up by the scruff of the neck. He scrambled up, gasping for breath.
Charles' wings.
“Sariel!” Raziel called, more frantic now. She threw her head on Charles' chest, ear over his heart.
And then she was looking at Pickles, gripping his shoulder so tightly it hurt. She pushed him down on top of Charles. “Stay here,” she ordered. “Play dead.”
And then she was aloft. “HEY, FUCKFACE!” she screamed at Uriah. She fled, the large angel in pursuit.
Ganesh turned, staring at the horizon. He could hear his own breathing. His heart suddenly felt as if it would burst.
He forced himself to stay rooted to the spot.
His mother was kicking the Goddess's ass.
He didn't often see her in her Kali aspect, but it was magnificent. Her many blades shone in the sun.
The Goddess was obviously less gifted, and seemed to be mostly making defensive moves. Ganesh was trying to figure out what the hell she had in mind. And meanwhile, the angelic troops, hovering overhead, seemed to grow restless as the duel continued.
There was a mighty clang. The Goddess' sword had broken.
Parvati held her sabers high. “Do you yield?” she demanded.
And then she screamed, one of her sword arms gone, as Gabriel stood over her, grinning.
“MOTHER!” shouted Ganesh. He rushed to her side.
The Goddess laughed, an unhinged cackle. And then, quite suddenly, she was no longer there.
Gabriel grinned. He raised his sword again.
Charles jerked awake, naked, in a very familiar garden.
“Oh, shit, not again,” he grumbled.
A very large, very red god was strolling by, pink Financial Times nestled under one of his many arms.
"Brahma!"
"Sariel the angel? You are here? What is your soul doing in my garden? That is passing strange. You know, you have a talent for cocking up my bookkeeping!"
"Brahma!” pleaded Charles. “I've got to go back! I've got to go back now! I can't do the meditating by the fucking pool bullshit! This is really important! You've got to send me back!"
"This is.... This is highly irregular!" sputtered Brahma.
There was the sound of a horn, and then thundering hooves.
A great hunting party rode up, led by Lord Shiva himself.
The blue god dismounted and strode up to Charles and Brahma.
"Shiva!" shouted Brahma. "What is the meaning of this? You are trampling my hydrangeas again!"
"Uh, sorry, Shiva, if iId have known, I would've worn pants," Charles sighed.
Shiva approached Charles and began to speak.
"What's he saying?" Charles asked.
"My son," translated Brahma.
"Your son? Ganesh is OK. I just need to get back to him!" Charles told him.
"Dēvadūta Sariel, mera beta," said Shiva. And with that, he tapped Charles on the forehead with a finger, leaving a red tilaka mark.
"Shiva, you can't...." Brahma began.
And Charles fell through the floor of the gardens.
“Holy shit. I guess you can,” commented Brahma.
Charles jerked up. "Gods damn it! Second time that's fucking happened!" he thundered. Annoyed, he extended his arms, already holding swords.
And then he extended six more arms, also holding swords.
"FUCKING SWEET!" he shouted. He jumped up and looked over to where Pickles was sitting, teary-eyed, staring at him. “Which way?” he demanded.
Pickles looked at him, open-mouthed.
“Where did Raziel go?” Charles repeated.
Pickles pointed.
Gabriel readied himself for the death blow.
Ganesh leapt between Gabriel and Parvati, throwing a protective arm over his mother.
“Stand aside,” Gabriel hissed at the god. “She has been bested.”
“I will not,” stated Ganesh.
“I said, stand aside.”
Ganesh glared up at him. “And I said, no.”
“Ganesha....” Parvati whispered, pleading.
“Stand aside, or be cut down,” snarled Gabriel.
“Never.”
Gabriel tensed and raised his sword once again. But suddenly, the clouds parted, and a blinding beam of light cut through, illuminating the center of the courtyard with a holy light.
There were three beings standing there.
The Creator stepped forward and bowed before Ganesh. He glanced back. “My dear,” he said to the woman who accompanied him.
Amber stepped forward and presented Ganesh with a sword.
"I believe you might need this,” said the Creator.
Ganesh took it.
On the hilt it said, "Vighnesha, Vighnesvara."
Michael, the other being accompanying the Creator, was now cradling Parvati in his arms. "We will care for her,” said the Creator. “You have something to do, my son."
And He stopped and glared at Gabriel. “This will teach you motherfuckers to mess with my Corazon de Azul,” he grumbled as a parting shot.
Raziel was experiencing something very new to her.
Defeat.
She knelt on the ground now, letting herself be supported by her sword.
If she came in close enough to strike Uriah, it was also within range for him to drain her power. So she would strike, and then limp far enough away to repower. But it was a losing battle. Each time, he would catch up quicker, take more, and leave her struggling to fly away. And each time, she would have less time to recharge. Soon, she would have no time at all.
She sensed him approaching again. She tried with all her might to speed the process, but it wasn't something she could control. She swung around, barely able to even lift her sword.
"Hey, Uriah!" came a familiar voice. The large angel turned, licking his lips.
Sariel. And he was carrying swords. And two more swords. And two more swords. And two more. Raziel blinked. She was losing her mind.
Charles flourished eight swords with his eight arms. "SUCK THIS, URIAH!" he laughed. Uriah was already lunging at him, a hungry predator.
In truth, Charles didn't have any idea what to do with all those extra arms. He thought distractedly he should ask Ganesh about it when he got the chance. The cool thing was, with all those swords, he didn't actually have to be a very good swordsman to be pretty damned annoying.
But that was also the trouble. He easily fought Uriah to a draw, but wasn't exactly certain what he could do about winning. It was like a mosquito fighting an elephant. Another one to ask of Ganesh.
And then Uriah landed a good one to one of his swords, pushing Charles back. He blinked. And felt small arms encircling his waist. Power. Glorious power. Lots of it. As much as he could drink.
“Finish the bastard,” Raziel whispered in his ear.
He grinned at Uriah. He lowered his swords. '
And opened his third eye.
Uriah froze. He turned, as if to retreat, but stood instead, frozen in Charles' deadly eyebeam. He opened his mouth, as if to scream.
And then he was no more.
Raziel and Charles collapsed in a heap, panting for a while.
“That was pretty cool!” Charles enthused.
The angels looked east.
It was the distinct sound … of disco music.
Orula and Chango were there on the horizon. And the crazy bastards were dancing.
And singing.
When you're fucked up by some angels
Gotta raid the charnel houses in the town
If you can't away screaming
Then my undead hoards are gonna bring you down
'Cause we're the zombie masters, night and day
Marauding undead, that's the only way
And as they sang, an army rose in back of them. Slowly, as Chango and Orula only worked with slow zombies, fast zombies of course being ridiculous.
So tonight
Gonna leave the body parts scattered around
And just go rip apart
You
If the message of my music don't get to you
Then life is gonna suck
If you don't flee now, ducks
Your life is gonna suck
Zombies are gonna fuck....
But eventually, the entire field behind the Ifa was filled with dancing undead.
You can howl out all you want to
'Cause it ain't nice to feel your entrails ripped
Just go ahead and shout it
In voodoo ain't no one to hear you scream
'Cause we're the zombie masters night and day
Chango and Orula, that's our way!
Charles and Raziel watched as, column after column, the angelic army started to swarm towards the zombies. In truth, they hadn't much chance. Angels consider the undead unholy things, which they are. Angles are, therefore, terrified of them.
And there is no way to win a battle with terror.
There were many screams.
So tonight
Gonna leave those body parts down on the road
They were parts of yourself
Dude
Let the madness in our magic slaughter you
Life is getting suck now
If you let my zombies fuck you!
Your life is gonna suck
Zombies are gonna fuck...
You!
“We gotta get back,” Charles told Raziel. She nodded, and they flew.
I challenge you!" Ganesh shouted at Gabriel, flourishing his sword. "By right of Blood Feud!"
"You haven't the right, earth god."
And Ganesh took one step forward. And as he stepped, his magnificent wings unfurled behind him: dark feathers, with silvery tips.
"Holy...." said Gabriel.
And Ganesh took a second step. And the sky darkened.
Gabriel took one panicked step backwards.
And as Ganesh took a third step towards Gabriel, the earth trembled beneath his feet.
"Ganesh," Charles whispered as he and Raziel landed. She was gripping his arm. “That's.... But that's not Ganesh.”
Raziel stared. He was right. The winged being looked somehow younger, more slender.
And Ganesh took a fourth step. And the clouds parted, to illuminate him with a single shaft of light.
"Damn but I wish I had nachos for this," Nathan enthused.
And Ganesh took a fifth step. He was so very near Gabriel now.
“I am the alpha, and the omega,” he said. “The first. And the last.”
And Ganesh took a sixth step. And he raised his sword high.
"Can we, um, maybe talk about this?" asked Gabriel.
And Ganesh took a seventh step.
And he brought the sword down on Gabriel, and smote Gabriel's sword in two, and the mighty Archangel fell.
"Dude wasn't in a talking mood," laughed Nathan.
And the Legion, still battling the undead army, trembled at the death of the mighty Archangel. The ones who could still fly howled and flew, flying away, until they were just dust motes on the horizon.
Charles and Raziel ran to Ganesh's side.
“How the hell did you do that?” Charles asked. The wings were gone. And Ganesh looked stunned.
“I don't have any idea. Holy Christ What happened to you?”
Charles grinned and flexed his many arms. “I'll show you later,” he winked.
“Will you guys stop that for one minute!” Raziel scolded.
“No,” Charles grinned.
“I didn't think so.”
“Dudes! DID WE WIN!” yelled Nathan, just pulling up in the Murderwagon.
“For now, Nathan.”
“WHOA, dude, cool!”
“Is it kick ass?” Charles asked flourishing the arms.
Nathan paused.
“You know, you ams has to give dis credit,” Skwisgaar told Nathan.
“It'sch kick assch!” Murderface laughed from the car.
“But what shall we do now?” Ganesh asked. “We are all apparently still trapped in this dream world.”
“Isn't it obvious?” asked Charles.
“Uh, no,” said Raziel.
Charles pointed several hands in the direction of the car. “My band plays. Right?” he asked Nathan. “That'll wake everybody up.”
“NOTHING IS DETHKLOK PROOF!” Nathan happily agreed.
“Get Chango to electrify some instruments,” Charles told Orula.
He watched as Raziel suddenly ran off. She tackled Pickles, who had just walked up. “Oh my god I'm so glad you're OK.”
“I wuz fine Raz dood,” he assured her.
Charles was standing in front of him, sighing.
“I-” said Pickles.
“If you EVER do anything like that again, I will KILL YOU MYSELF!” Charles warned him.
“Yeh, dood.”
“Don't worry, I won't let him,” Raziel assured him, giving him a kiss and running off.
“T'anks, dood,” Pickles said.
“I told you. I will always be here for you.”
Pickles nodded.
“Now, we need you to play with the band. To break the spell.”
“Anyt'ing, Chief.”
Nathan took the first verse.
Oh, this dream is threatening
Reality today
If I don't get ranch Doritos
There's gonna be hell to pay
Whoa, douche bags, we're gonna dream away, we're gonna dream away
Whoa, assholes, we'll send this dream away, it's sending me astray
And then Pickles sang.
Doods dis unmellow land is
Harshing my buzz today
Burns like a dime bag doobie
My herb lackin' THC
Motherdouchers, we'll send this dream away, wanna hot tub today
Whoa, jerkwads, wanna wake up today, tangled in groupies hey
A heavenly light appeared, and Michael was standing in the audience. He gently placed Parvati on the ground. Ganesh ran to her side. Her missing arm had been replaced by the most beautiful, delicate golden mechanical arm. She smiled, and gently touched the side of Ganesh's face with golden fingers, inlaid with jewels.
“Tell the Creator, thank you,” Ganesh told Michael.
“The Creator asks you to be wary. She will not stop at this.”
Ganesh nodded sadly.
Meanwhile, Urd had stumbled onstage and had grabbed a microphone to take a solo. Charles thought this was the first time a woman had ever sang with Dethklok. And survived.
Mick! Bianca! Wanna go discoing with you at 54
Keith! Anita! Wanna do black magic we got some kicky spells
Mick! And Keith! You're our guiding stars! Help us get outta here yeah yeah yeah....
Whoa, this dream is threat'ning
My rock star life today
If I don't get back to my media room
Gonna blow some dudes away
Whoa, douchebags, we're gonna crush the dream with our metal power
Whoa, fuckers, gonna wake up today with screaming girls and our bankrolls yeah....
Charles glanced over to Parvati's palace. There seemed to be someone in the doorway. Hypnos? He hadn't seen her in a while. She seemed to be beckoning him. Glancing back at his band, he walked towards the palace. It seemed farther away than he had imagined. Dethklok's boistrous noise quieted, as if it were miles away. At last he reached the threshold, but he could no longer see Hypnos.
Charles pitched over, and fell flat on the floor.
Of Ganesh's kitchen.
He looked up, blinking, for a moment, and then set off running.
He did not breathe again until he heard the soft snores and saw little fluttering wings. He exhaled, supporting himself on the side of the crib.
He picked up his Dethphone and looked at the text he had just received. “R: ALL OK HERE, S” he wrote back. He grinned ear to ear at the next text message. “COOL RNCH DRTOS FTW.”
He whirled around as the door opened.
“What has happened?” demanded Ganesh.
“The dream world is making incursions onto the world of wakefulness,” said Hypnos, looking at the empty crate that had at one time held Uriah's head. She, Phanuel, Wotan and Raziel stood in the room at Valhalla. There was overturned and broken furniture everywhere. It looked like it had been hit by a whirlwind.
And there was blood.
“Is this serious?” asked Wotan.
“It could be the end of everything,” Hypnos sighed.
“Yeah. I was afraid of that,” grumbled Raziel.
“You can let me off my lap, you know,” said Charles.
“I can't believe you died,” murmured Ganesh, holding Charles even tighter as they sat on the couch.
“I got better. Anyway, that shit is getting routine.”
“Even in a dream....” Ganesh said.
“Ah. Your Uncle Brahma sent me right back.”
Ganesh loosened his grip to that. “My Uncle Brahma?”
“Yeah.”
“Why did you go to Heaven? You're an angel?”
“OK,” laughed Charles, “That sounded a bit weird.”
“I mean, why would you go to our Heaven? That doesn't make any sense.”
“Brahma was fussing about it. But he's always fussing. But, anyway, your dad came and-”
“My father?”
“Yeah! Shiva rode up and whacked me on the head, and I came back.”
Ganesh was silent for a moment. “My father has the power...? That is really weird, Sariel. And I had wings?”
“I'm not totally sure it was you. Or you were you.”
“Who was I then?”
“Ganesh. Black and silver wings?”
Ganesh frowned, and both looked over to Elias, who was contentedly playing on the floor.
“How would he even do that?” Ganesh wondered.
“I suspect the Creator had a hand in it. The sword?”
“The sword from your dream, and my dream, which is now somehow located on our coffee table?” It was true. Vighnesha, Vighneshvara, the sword that Vulcan had forged so long ago, and which Charles had later let drop in the Creator's house, was now lying on the low table in front of the couch.
“Yeah. Boon has powers. I think that's what this was about. I think they're afraid of him.”
“I take it that's not good?” asked Ganesh.
“They were afraid of me. So, yeah.”
“How much if it was a dream, and how much, like the sword, has ended up in reality?” Ganesh mused.
“Well, it looks like Uriah is escaped, for one.”
“I don't appear to have a winged form at my disposal,” Ganesh confessed.
“Ah, they're more trouble than they're worth.”
Ganesh sighed and leaned over, dropping some of his arms from Charles. “Strange. I don't recall eating the rest of this pie," he mused, holding up an empty plate.
“Hrm. That's funny,” said Charles, suddenly snaking out a third arm to wipe pie crumbs from the edge of his mouth.
Ganesh stared.
“What?” smiled Charles.
