The Biggest Loser
May. 13th, 2011 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: The Biggest Loser (Mythklok Interstitial)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Magickal weight loss solutions
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, swearing
Notes: Z had asked something about angels switching Forms, so this is partly an explanation. But mostly nonsense. Oh, and by the way, yes, I have a real chapter nearly ready, I just also have a bunch of silly ideas I wanted to write up.
The vast echoey corridors of Mordhaus….
"That was the contractor. Do you have any idea what the repairs are going to cost?"
"You didn't have to magick it!" Sariel protested.
"Sariel, does it occur to you that I occasionally would like to enjoy a single slice of my Auntie Sarasvati's delicious pie?"
"If we don't have enough pie, then just ask her for more!"
"And then you would simply consume that as well! It has been my longstanding custom to reserve a piece for later."
"What the fuck good does it do pie to sit on the shelf like that? It's not as if it ages, like wine!"
"You find yourself unable to keep your greedy angel hands off a single slice?"
“Did he eat all your pie again?” asked Nathan Explosion as he and William Murderface encountered the bickering couple.
“Ganesh magically BOOBY TRAPPED our last slice!” Sariel wailed.
“It was only our last slice because you had consumed every other crumb of pie-like substance in the near vicinity of the residence!” Ganesh huffed.
“Seriously, dude, the amount of food you stuff in your face, why the fuck do you never get any bigger?” asked Nathan.
Sariel glowered.
“It is my theory,” Ganesh explained, “that Sariel’s intense use of magical power burns off caloric content almost as it is absorbed.”
“See?” said Sariel. “I eat pie because I’m hungry! Even you admit it!”
“Some of us are not so fortunate. That is why we would like to occasionally consume a single slice of pie!”
“I knew this was all my METABOLISM!” Nathan protested, patting his stomach.
“That may be a factor. What is your current exercise program, Nathan?” Ganesh inquired.
“MY WHAT?” bellowed Nathan. Sariel grinned and rolled his eyes.
"Er. What kind of physical activities do you participate in?" Ganesh inquired.
"Physical...? You mean like WITH GROUPIES?"
"Er. No. The vertical kind."
"IT CAN GET VERTICAL!"
"I am entirely certain that it can. I simply want to know what other kinds of activities you engage in? For example, if you were my patient, I might suggest yoga, or perhaps a brisk walk…”
"WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF SLAVE DRIVER?" Nathan thundered.
Ganesh looked to Sariel, whose grin was threatening to break his face apart. “Well, I simply meant, as it were, one must keep fit.”
“Wait,” said Nathan, narrowing his eyes. “You guys do all that magical shit with your wings and arms and other crap. If you put on a gut, why don't you just take it off?”
“Like magic liposchuctschion!” Murderface supplied.
To the surprise of the death metal musicians, Ganesh and Sariel exchanged an amused glance and an actual snicker.
“What?” said Nathan.
“Yes, if you wish to end up resembling a mutant platypus,” Ganesh sniffed, examining his perfect manicure.
“Nathan,” Sariel began. “Magic to alter your appearance – it’s tricky as hell. I mean, remember when I fucked up my eyes? That’s why most of us just put our wings away and that’s it. I sort of have to change other stuff because I don’t look … human,” he concluded ruefully. He stole a glance at Ganesh, who smiled slightly. “Anyway,” he said, recovering somewhat, “that kinda stuff tends to lead to disaster. Do you understand? I mean, is this getting through?”
“So, you could get rid of your GUT with magic?” Nathan asked as Murderface looked on eagerly.
Sariel unconsciously rubbed his head and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Nathan. Can you at least please promise me you will not try to magic away your gut?"
"ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A GUT?" Nathan thundered.
"Charlesch isch schaying you're FAT," Murderface echoed.
"Er," Ganesh interjected. "As it happens, at this juncture, there is a terribly important, er, thing, which we must do, Sariel and I, which is occurring over THERE." He pointed down the corridor, and, grabbing Sariel by the elbow, hastily beat a strategic withdrawal.
"Who are you calling?" asked Sariel as he was dragged down the hallway.
"Auntie Sarasvati," said Ganesh, holding the phone to his ear.
"Oh! Dutch apple! Dutch apple Dutch apple!" said Sariel as they disappeared around the corner.
"You really think we can losche weight with schpells and schit?" Murderface inquired.
“Did yoo doods see Charles an’ Gannish?” asked Pickles, who had just wafted around the corner.
“They just hadda go there to do … stuff,” Nathan said, pointing.
“They got all pisschy when we wanted to do magic. Schelfish,” muttered Murderface.
“Magic? Why don’t yoo jest ask da Ophanim doods!” Pickles proposed.
“The what?” asked Nathan.
“Yoo know. Da magical angel wheelie doods. Dat are da liberrians. Dey got da angel books wit’ da magical incantations and what yoo will.”
“Huh. But Charles says that stuff can be DANGEROUS,” Nathan told him.
“Eh. Dat dood worries too much. I ain’t never had much problem!” And with that, Pickles transformed into a little red octopus and swiftly flew away.
“Huh,” said Nathan. “That was weird.”
“Yesch,” agreed Murderface. “He uschually doeschn’t dischagree with Charlesch like that.”
Somewhat later, in Mordhaus’s extensive liberry….
A pair of Ophanim flew away, the fiery wheel-like beings seeming to sigh heavily as they departed.
“So, you find anything on CHANGING YOUR APPEARANCE? Hopefully to something with a 32 inch waist?” Nathan inquired.
Murderface sat in the middle of a considerable pile of old books, considering a thick, dusty tome. “Dick hasch taught me schome of the language. and thisch looks intereschting.”
“Yeah? So lay on me that MAGICAL CRAP!”
“Hum. But, unfortschunately, I believe it’sch a schpell to transchform to True Form,” Murderface told him.
“So? I’ll pick out a sexy True Form with ABS OF STEEL.”
“Uh, Nathan, True Form is the one where angels schtick out their wingsch,” said Murderface, miming a pair of wings with his hands.
“So?"
“You schure you want to end up looking like an angel, bro? I thought you schaid wingsch were kinda gay?"
"Yeah, but I'm NATHAN FUCKING EXPLOSION! I’ll probably get some awesome DEMON WINGS in the bargain," Nathan explained.
"I dunno. Maybe we schould look for schome Court Form schpells….”
“Court Form True Form what’s the difference,” sniffed Nathan. “It’s just gay ANGEL CRAP. Let’s DO SOME MAGIC!" And with that he snatched the tome from Murderface and began to read off the spell in his peerless death metal voice.
There was smoke.
And fire.
And a pretty cool laser light show.
And then....
"So, do I have awesome DEMON WINGS?" asked Nathan.
"Uhhhhhh..." schaid Murderface.
Nathan felt his back. "Dude," he asked Murderface. "Why are my awesome demon wings coming OUT OF MY ASS?"
Still later....
"Well," smiled Ganesh. "As a doctor, and a vodouisant, I must admit, I have never seen the like." He took off his stethescope and wrapped it around his neck, standing back to take in the marvel that was True Formed Nathan Explosion.
"Uhhhhhh. So how do I make it go away?" Nathan asked.
"Perhaps the best bet would be to await the spell simply wearing off," Ganesh proposed.
"Oh my god that's cool!" said a female voice.
"Hey, Lady Raz!" said Nathan. "Do you know how to get rid of this?"
"Oh, fuck no. I just came down to take pictures and laugh!" she told him, holding up her cell phone.
"I can't even fucking SIT DOWN!" Nathan bitched.
"Sitting is overrated," Raziel laughed. "Would you mind standing over against that wall?"
"I wanna get back to normal!" Nathan wailed.
"But dooooood!" protested Pickles. "Dis is better dan bein' on Yopo! I ain't never seen so many colors!"
"CHARLES," bellowed Nathan as his manager appeared, his son on his hip.
"Uhhhh. Yeah," said Sariel.
Nathan glowered, and fanned out his magnificent peacock feather tail.
"Angel?" asked Elias in Common Angelic, pointing in wonder to Nathan.
"Ah, I'm actually not exactly sure, Boon" Sariel told him, as he struggled desperately not to smile.
"Look at the bright schide, bro!" counseled Murderface.
"WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?" Nathan demanded.
"Who's gonna look at your gut now?" Murderface told him.
"ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A GUT?" Nathan bellowed, his thunderous voice actually blowing back Murderface's triangle hair.
"Dood, I t'innk he jest called yoo fat!" Pickles tattled.
"Uh, Ganesh, don't we have-" Sariel started.
"Something urgent to do? Over THERE?" Ganesh inquired as they prepared to exit, stage left.
"Hold that pose Pea-Nathan!" Raziel told him. "I want a good picture of you throttling Murderface!"
"Seriously, Ganesh," Sariel asked as they hurried down the corridor. "How long do you think this tail thing will last?"
"No doubt a good deal longer than Auntie Sarasvati's pie," Ganesh rejoindered, as he handed a fine Pea-Nathan tail feather to an excited Boon.
"IS IT DUTCH APPLE?"
"Only a slice!" Ganesh cautioned. "I am still cleaning up from your last indulgence!"
"I can't help it! It's my metabolism!"
"How many times have I heard that one?" Ganesh sighed.
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Magickal weight loss solutions
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, swearing
Notes: Z had asked something about angels switching Forms, so this is partly an explanation. But mostly nonsense. Oh, and by the way, yes, I have a real chapter nearly ready, I just also have a bunch of silly ideas I wanted to write up.
The vast echoey corridors of Mordhaus….
"That was the contractor. Do you have any idea what the repairs are going to cost?"
"You didn't have to magick it!" Sariel protested.
"Sariel, does it occur to you that I occasionally would like to enjoy a single slice of my Auntie Sarasvati's delicious pie?"
"If we don't have enough pie, then just ask her for more!"
"And then you would simply consume that as well! It has been my longstanding custom to reserve a piece for later."
"What the fuck good does it do pie to sit on the shelf like that? It's not as if it ages, like wine!"
"You find yourself unable to keep your greedy angel hands off a single slice?"
“Did he eat all your pie again?” asked Nathan Explosion as he and William Murderface encountered the bickering couple.
“Ganesh magically BOOBY TRAPPED our last slice!” Sariel wailed.
“It was only our last slice because you had consumed every other crumb of pie-like substance in the near vicinity of the residence!” Ganesh huffed.
“Seriously, dude, the amount of food you stuff in your face, why the fuck do you never get any bigger?” asked Nathan.
Sariel glowered.
“It is my theory,” Ganesh explained, “that Sariel’s intense use of magical power burns off caloric content almost as it is absorbed.”
“See?” said Sariel. “I eat pie because I’m hungry! Even you admit it!”
“Some of us are not so fortunate. That is why we would like to occasionally consume a single slice of pie!”
“I knew this was all my METABOLISM!” Nathan protested, patting his stomach.
“That may be a factor. What is your current exercise program, Nathan?” Ganesh inquired.
“MY WHAT?” bellowed Nathan. Sariel grinned and rolled his eyes.
"Er. What kind of physical activities do you participate in?" Ganesh inquired.
"Physical...? You mean like WITH GROUPIES?"
"Er. No. The vertical kind."
"IT CAN GET VERTICAL!"
"I am entirely certain that it can. I simply want to know what other kinds of activities you engage in? For example, if you were my patient, I might suggest yoga, or perhaps a brisk walk…”
"WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF SLAVE DRIVER?" Nathan thundered.
Ganesh looked to Sariel, whose grin was threatening to break his face apart. “Well, I simply meant, as it were, one must keep fit.”
“Wait,” said Nathan, narrowing his eyes. “You guys do all that magical shit with your wings and arms and other crap. If you put on a gut, why don't you just take it off?”
“Like magic liposchuctschion!” Murderface supplied.
To the surprise of the death metal musicians, Ganesh and Sariel exchanged an amused glance and an actual snicker.
“What?” said Nathan.
“Yes, if you wish to end up resembling a mutant platypus,” Ganesh sniffed, examining his perfect manicure.
“Nathan,” Sariel began. “Magic to alter your appearance – it’s tricky as hell. I mean, remember when I fucked up my eyes? That’s why most of us just put our wings away and that’s it. I sort of have to change other stuff because I don’t look … human,” he concluded ruefully. He stole a glance at Ganesh, who smiled slightly. “Anyway,” he said, recovering somewhat, “that kinda stuff tends to lead to disaster. Do you understand? I mean, is this getting through?”
“So, you could get rid of your GUT with magic?” Nathan asked as Murderface looked on eagerly.
Sariel unconsciously rubbed his head and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Nathan. Can you at least please promise me you will not try to magic away your gut?"
"ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A GUT?" Nathan thundered.
"Charlesch isch schaying you're FAT," Murderface echoed.
"Er," Ganesh interjected. "As it happens, at this juncture, there is a terribly important, er, thing, which we must do, Sariel and I, which is occurring over THERE." He pointed down the corridor, and, grabbing Sariel by the elbow, hastily beat a strategic withdrawal.
"Who are you calling?" asked Sariel as he was dragged down the hallway.
"Auntie Sarasvati," said Ganesh, holding the phone to his ear.
"Oh! Dutch apple! Dutch apple Dutch apple!" said Sariel as they disappeared around the corner.
"You really think we can losche weight with schpells and schit?" Murderface inquired.
“Did yoo doods see Charles an’ Gannish?” asked Pickles, who had just wafted around the corner.
“They just hadda go there to do … stuff,” Nathan said, pointing.
“They got all pisschy when we wanted to do magic. Schelfish,” muttered Murderface.
“Magic? Why don’t yoo jest ask da Ophanim doods!” Pickles proposed.
“The what?” asked Nathan.
“Yoo know. Da magical angel wheelie doods. Dat are da liberrians. Dey got da angel books wit’ da magical incantations and what yoo will.”
“Huh. But Charles says that stuff can be DANGEROUS,” Nathan told him.
“Eh. Dat dood worries too much. I ain’t never had much problem!” And with that, Pickles transformed into a little red octopus and swiftly flew away.
“Huh,” said Nathan. “That was weird.”
“Yesch,” agreed Murderface. “He uschually doeschn’t dischagree with Charlesch like that.”
Somewhat later, in Mordhaus’s extensive liberry….
A pair of Ophanim flew away, the fiery wheel-like beings seeming to sigh heavily as they departed.
“So, you find anything on CHANGING YOUR APPEARANCE? Hopefully to something with a 32 inch waist?” Nathan inquired.
Murderface sat in the middle of a considerable pile of old books, considering a thick, dusty tome. “Dick hasch taught me schome of the language. and thisch looks intereschting.”
“Yeah? So lay on me that MAGICAL CRAP!”
“Hum. But, unfortschunately, I believe it’sch a schpell to transchform to True Form,” Murderface told him.
“So? I’ll pick out a sexy True Form with ABS OF STEEL.”
“Uh, Nathan, True Form is the one where angels schtick out their wingsch,” said Murderface, miming a pair of wings with his hands.
“So?"
“You schure you want to end up looking like an angel, bro? I thought you schaid wingsch were kinda gay?"
"Yeah, but I'm NATHAN FUCKING EXPLOSION! I’ll probably get some awesome DEMON WINGS in the bargain," Nathan explained.
"I dunno. Maybe we schould look for schome Court Form schpells….”
“Court Form True Form what’s the difference,” sniffed Nathan. “It’s just gay ANGEL CRAP. Let’s DO SOME MAGIC!" And with that he snatched the tome from Murderface and began to read off the spell in his peerless death metal voice.
There was smoke.
And fire.
And a pretty cool laser light show.
And then....
"So, do I have awesome DEMON WINGS?" asked Nathan.
"Uhhhhhh..." schaid Murderface.
Nathan felt his back. "Dude," he asked Murderface. "Why are my awesome demon wings coming OUT OF MY ASS?"
Still later....
"Well," smiled Ganesh. "As a doctor, and a vodouisant, I must admit, I have never seen the like." He took off his stethescope and wrapped it around his neck, standing back to take in the marvel that was True Formed Nathan Explosion.
"Uhhhhhh. So how do I make it go away?" Nathan asked.
"Perhaps the best bet would be to await the spell simply wearing off," Ganesh proposed.
"Oh my god that's cool!" said a female voice.
"Hey, Lady Raz!" said Nathan. "Do you know how to get rid of this?"
"Oh, fuck no. I just came down to take pictures and laugh!" she told him, holding up her cell phone.
"I can't even fucking SIT DOWN!" Nathan bitched.
"Sitting is overrated," Raziel laughed. "Would you mind standing over against that wall?"
"I wanna get back to normal!" Nathan wailed.
"But dooooood!" protested Pickles. "Dis is better dan bein' on Yopo! I ain't never seen so many colors!"
"CHARLES," bellowed Nathan as his manager appeared, his son on his hip.
"Uhhhh. Yeah," said Sariel.
Nathan glowered, and fanned out his magnificent peacock feather tail.
"Angel?" asked Elias in Common Angelic, pointing in wonder to Nathan.
"Ah, I'm actually not exactly sure, Boon" Sariel told him, as he struggled desperately not to smile.
"Look at the bright schide, bro!" counseled Murderface.
"WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?" Nathan demanded.
"Who's gonna look at your gut now?" Murderface told him.
"ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE A GUT?" Nathan bellowed, his thunderous voice actually blowing back Murderface's triangle hair.
"Dood, I t'innk he jest called yoo fat!" Pickles tattled.
"Uh, Ganesh, don't we have-" Sariel started.
"Something urgent to do? Over THERE?" Ganesh inquired as they prepared to exit, stage left.
"Hold that pose Pea-Nathan!" Raziel told him. "I want a good picture of you throttling Murderface!"
"Seriously, Ganesh," Sariel asked as they hurried down the corridor. "How long do you think this tail thing will last?"
"No doubt a good deal longer than Auntie Sarasvati's pie," Ganesh rejoindered, as he handed a fine Pea-Nathan tail feather to an excited Boon.
"IS IT DUTCH APPLE?"
"Only a slice!" Ganesh cautioned. "I am still cleaning up from your last indulgence!"
"I can't help it! It's my metabolism!"
"How many times have I heard that one?" Ganesh sighed.
