![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: Weird Children (Mythklok, Chapter 33) (Part 2 of 2)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary:
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, pretty bad swearing - and potty-mouth will only get worse next chapter, so you have been warned.
Notes: Notes on Part 1.
As I told Z last night, Mythklok has gone to once a week as a sanity preservation measure. However, for reasons that will probably become obvious once you finish this bit, I might try to put Chapter 34 up a bit early.
NOTE: This was the first chapter I started since I moved to my new, brain-eating job. I don't know if that was a factor, but I am not happy with it at all, and at some point, will either rewrite it, or hit it in the head with a shovel and bury it in the back yard. IF YOU FEEL YOU'RE GETTING STUCK HERE, just read the beginning bits of the first part, and the ending of Part 2, and then skip ahead to Chapter 34. Really. I promise, there will not be a quiz.
Weird Children
Part 2 of 2
“You are aware that, simply because a beverage is placed in front of you, it is not necessary for you to fully consume it," Ganesh counseled.
Charles was wearing his most heavily tinted glasses. Pickles noticed that, despite claiming angel skin didn't burn, he was also hiding under a Keffiyeh this morning.
"Don't wanna look like a pussy," Charles yawned. He blinked down at Pickles. He and Ganesh were already mounted and ready to go. Though Charles didn't even have his feet in the stirrups. The bastard was sitting sort of cross legged and sideways in the saddle. "You gonna ride with me?"
Pickles really wanted to climb into a nice comfy jeep. Even if Murderface was driving. And it was a race with an equally batshit crazy Egyptian minor deity. Well, maybe he didn't want a seat in the jeep?
"I'll ride wit' Gannish dood. I t'ink he can see straight at least."
Osiris had mounted, along with Bast and Anubis. Pickles had to admit, they looked pretty fucking impressive. Osiris seemed to be one of those dudes who could go around always looking like he needed a shave and to have his suit pressed, but he looked damn good anyway. Pickles sort of bet the slightly rumpled white linen suit would finish the ride still only slightly rumpled. Whereas him....
As Ganesh pulled him up behind him in the saddle, Pickles hoped he was a bit more graceful of a rider than Charles. Pickles had realized yesterday that Charles basically rode the way Raziel did her version of the Spirit Walk. He wasn't actually very good at it, but he was absurdly strong and had a ridiculously acute sense of balance.
As it turned out, Ganesh was an excellent horseman, possibly because Uncle Wotan insisted on placing children in the saddle practically before they were out of diapers. Pickles wouldn't have exactly termed himself comfortable, but when they were a few miles out, Ganesh pulled alongside Charles, grinned and hiked a thumb back. Despite his blinding headache, Charles grinned too.
Pickles was fast asleep.
"I need speak with Him," Phanuel insisted.
"No one speaks with Him," the Cherub bureaucrat yawned.
Headquarters lay abandoned, somewhere far away. The temporary offices were ... beige. Very beige. As was the Cherub who sat at the receptionist's desk, beige eyes, beige hair, probably beige wings, if he's had them out. He looked ready to fade into the woodwork.
"There is a tear! A universe will die! It may bring down Creation if it is not attended. Does any of this matter to you?"
The Cherub's soulless eyes said it all. "No one speaks with Him," it intoned.
"Is there a problem?"
Phanuel turned, astonished to find himself actually glad at the sound of Michael's voice.
"I need speak with Him."
"No one speaks-"
"There is a tear, an irregularity, you complete idiot!"
Michael found himself speechless at the insubordination.
"While He amuses Himself dabbling at watercolors," Phanuel continued, "the universe is at risk."
"I can.... I can get a message to Him," Michael said.
"Then kindly tell Him I will take such troops as I feel are required and attend to this. And I apologize terribly for breaking into his obviously important sketchbook time." Phanuel spat out the last words as if they were dripped in acid.
Michael shook his head as Phanuel turned and departed. "Depressing sonuvabitch," he muttered.
It was a city. Well, at one point it had been a city. The capitol of a desert empire.
They had come out of the desert quite suddenly, to a hillside. The entire thing, for as far as the eye could see, was covered in stone ruins. Grand temples to forgotten gods, now standing ruined, covered in sand.
They had dismounted to await the rest of their party.
One jeep pulled up. An excited William Murderface popped out, along with a couple rather less than excited Egyptian minor deities, one of whom immediately stumbled off a few steps in order to vomit. A few minutes later, the second jeep followed. This one disgorged more deities.
"Beat ya again!" Murderface announced happily.
"Where's Toki?" Charles asked Osiris.
"He was feeling a bit under the weather. As I'm certain you can appreciate," Osiris casually explained. "Please step this way!"
Charles pulled Pickles aside. "Did you see Toki last night?"
"Yeh," said Pickles who looked confused. "He had less to drink dan yoo did. Not dat dat meant anyt'ing."
Nathan had stopped as well. "He was hanging out with those CREEPY TWINS. That's why we've been avoiding him."
"Yeah, I understand," Charles told them. "Believe me, I understand. Still, when we get back, could you guys check on him?"
"Dood," Pickles told him. "Yoo know dey've been hang in' out at Mordhaus agen?"
"What? Shit! I specifically told them to get lost. I'm gonna have Raziel tan their fucking pastel asses when we get back."
Pickles and Nathan chuckled and followed the rest into the city.
Charles noticed Bast had tarried behind the others, obviously keeping a watch on him.
"I thought you worked for Ammon Ra," he told her.
"Times change," she told him, switching her tail. "Cat girl's gotta eat."
"I thought you were a lion girl."
Bast sighed. "I was. Once."
Nathan was standing in the middle of what must have been once a mighty temple. "It must've been AWESOME being a god dude and stuff!"
"Pffft," opined Skwisgaar. "Dis ams looks like rocks to me."
Nathan looked curiously at his band mate. "But, you do all that weird shit. Aren't you like sort of a god or something?"
"I ams not t'inks about it too hard," Skwisgaar admitted. "I ams mostly t'inks about beautiful ladies." He said this just as Bast stepped into the temple.
Bast switched her tail. She sighed. "You realize that kind of talk is oppressive to women!"
"Yeah, Schwischgaar, you schould be more schenschitive!" Murderface scolded. Neither Nathan nor Skwisgaar had seen him come up - he had almost certainly been more or less stalking Bast.
"And, you ams sensitive guys?" Skwisgaar chuckled.
"I am enlightened enough not to demean women with objectifying commentary."
"Ah finally someone who gets it!" Bast stated.
"I attribute my enlightened schtate to my readingsch of a bit of femischt commentary of late."
Nathan and Skwisgaar looked at each other, speechless.
"Showalter?" Bast asked eagerly, taking Murderface's arm.
"Yesch, but you are aware of Moi's criticischms?" Murderface asked as they made their way off.
"Uhhhhhhh," said Nathan. "Did she really just fall for that?"
"Pfft, cat girls ams always too doctrinaire. Maybe I ams tries my lucks wit' dat frog girl laters."
Osiris entered the temple just then, Anubis at his right hand. He appeared to be conducting a sort of tour for Pickles, Ganesh, and a terribly sour looking Charles. It wasn't entirely clear if Charles bad mood was attributable to his hangover, or to Osiris' bragging.
"Cool temple, dude," Nathan said.
"This is nothing to its glory days!" Osiris stated. Pickles had been correct: he was precisely as rumpled and unshaven as before he had ridden over.
"Oh, here we go," muttered Charles, who irritably put his keffiyeh back on.
"You should have seen the marvel, Nathan, as the hillside burst with pageantry!" Osiris waved his shepherd's crook, looking like some kind of Little Miami Vice Peep.
"Pageantry is cool," Nathan agreed.
"The city teemed in royal retainers in colorful garb."
"And royal slaves with colorful whip marks," Charles muttered.
"Jaanu," Ganesh whispered out of the corner of his mouth. "We are his guests."
"It was a sight to behold!"
"So, dude, what happened to everyone?" Nathan asked.
"Some minor management mistakes, nothing that can't be fixed. And it is nothing to what is to be, in the future, our New Kingdom, spreading throughout the Middle East, Europe, Asia...."
Ganesh suddenly glowered. "There exist already empires in those places. I presume you have cleared this with the parties in question?"
"You are a modern man, little cousin," Osiris smiled, which only intensified Ganesh's scowl. "You know you cannot stand against the future!"
"I know I cannot stand much more of this," Ganesh muttered as Osiris led off Nathan and Skwisgaar. "Have you had a chance to broach the subject of Seth with him yet?"
"What? You don't wanna get a lovely fucking summer cottage down here and just hang out?" Charles grinned.
"No, I do not wish a lovely fucking cottage anywhere near that man."
"He's always had that effect. Anyway, in answer to your question, no. I've tried asking, but he just gets all, 'I move in mysterious ways' on me. Reminds me of crap we used to get from Our Father."
"Elder Gods," said Ganesh.
"Naw, I think Osiris is just an asshole,"
Pickles was uneasy. Once they had returned from the tour, he and Nathan had split up to look for Toki.
He found Ganesh and Charles sitting having a drink.
"Dood! We couldn't find him! Or da twins!"
Ganesh looked up from his laptop computer. "Do you think we should confront Osiris, jaanu? Jaanu?"
Pickles waved his hand in front of Charles' face. No reaction. Ganesh cocked his head. He leaned over and pulled off Charles' dark glasses. He was out cold.
"Too much partyin' again?" Pickles grinned. "Hard to keep up wit' Det'klok when you ain't got no body fat."
Ganesh grabbed the glass that was near Charles' hand. He picked it up looked at it in the light, and then sniffed at it. "He hasn't had much tonight. I believe he was drugged," Ganesh said very quietly. He pulled open one of Charles' eyes and studied his pupil. He looked at Pickles. “Perhaps last night as well."
Pickles scowled. "Is he OK?"
Ganesh nodded. "It takes rather a lot to knock out an angel for too long. I will see if I have any remedies in my bag. Though, this adds to my unease regarding Osiris."
Pickles nodded sheepishly. "Osiris reminds me of one of da managers we had wit' Snakes n Barrels. He boned Sammy an' den walked off wit' most of our money."
Ganesh leaned over and gathered Charles in his arms. Fortunately, whatever they had slipped him this night evidently did not encourage him to make himself heavy. "If you can," he told Pickles, "tear Skwisgaar off that frog goddess and see if he has any luck tracking down your band mate. I shall try to awaken our sleeping angel."
"Oh, yeh, dat Heqet chick," Pickles laughed. "I wouldn't wanna see a paternity suit from dat one."
"Skwis-tadpoles?" Ganesh grinned.
Skwisgaar had been persuaded to depart his Frog goddess and, with a bit more cajoling and whining from Pickles, had been convinced to don a pair of pants.
Now he was hot on the trail of Toki and the twins, Dethklok behind him, carrying various firearms, knives, bludgeons, a morningstar, and an IKEA lamp.
Skwisgaar turned the corner into the courtyard, where the rest of the band witnessed a pair of hands grabbing the guitarist and dragging him off. "Whoa! You dudes ams looks weird!" he exclaimed. His band mates ran to see what the matter was.
Osiris had gathered a large party of horses and gods in the courtyard, along with the twins, and a very nervous looking Toki. A rather large god with a hawk's head was holding on to Skwisgaar, but the guitarist seemed a lot more intrigued by Isis and Nephthys. The girls had changed from their distinctive frilly wardrobe to simple linen kalasirises. Isis had let her hair go back to black from its usual Pastel blue or green, although she appeared to now have a few odd-looking bald spots.
"Why, hello there. I do apologize," Osiris grinned. "I suppose it would have been rude of us to leave without saying goodbye."
"What the fuck do you dudes think you're doing?" Nathan grumbled, holding tight to his IKEA lamp.
"We are relocating to our new residence," Osiris explained. "It's in a more ... desirable neighborhood. You know real estate, location location location."
"Yeah? Why the fuck is Toki going?" Nathan growled.
"Toki is with us," Isis told them. "We're going with our brother." She went to grasp Osiris' hand. "We are to be be his new queens. And the desert empire will rise again!"
"Yoo will... Wut? EWWW!" exclaimed Pickles.
"Our son is fated to defeat Seth! He is the chosen one!" Isis continued.
"Your..." Nathan stumbled. "But aren't you...?"
"Isis, dood! Dat's sick! He's yer brudder! GAWD!" Pickles shuddered.
"Dey ams creepsier dan I ams t'oughts," Skwisgaar muttered.
"What the FUCK is going on here?" Charles demanded, suddenly marching in, Ganesh at his heels.
"Dis asshole ams goes off with Tokis!" Skwisgaar told him.
"I had hoped you would still be asleep for this," Osiris warned. "That might have saved you the unpleasantness."
"You thought you could drug me? I get stoned with Pickles," Charles told him.
"Dude, is that true?" Nathan whispered to Pickles.
"Yeh, petty much."
"Oh. I knew Ganesh was a total pothead."
"Yeh, but Gannish don' like him smokin' no more, so we usually doo 'shrooms, dat kinda t'ing."
"Oooooh. Not coke?"
"Dood. You don' want Charles doin' coke."
"No?"
"Believe me."
Toki had come a bit timidly to the front, urged on by Isis. "I ams goings with them," he said, though not entirely confidently. "It ams of my own free wills," he continued, defiantly crossing his arms.
"Wut!" Pickles exclaimed. "Yer not goin' anywhere!"
"Yes I ams," Toki insisted.
Charles walked up to Toki. "No. You're. Not."
"I ams goings ofs my own free wills?" Toki repeated, now a bit unsteadily.
"You are not fucking going anywhere until I fucking figure out what is fucking going on here."
The defiance crumbled. "If I ams nots goings," Toki said in a whisper, "they ams hurts you."
Charles burst out his wings, right through his suit jacket. Toki blinked under the silvery stare. "They can't hurt me," Sariel told him
"Now, let's not resort to dramatics," Osiris said, motioning to Bast. Sariel was suddenly surrounded by a rather large contingent of heavily armed gods. He turned his glare to Osiris.
"You can leave, but you know I'll follow you," Sariel told the god.
"You will never find us in the dessert."
"Wanna bet?"
"Dood," Pickles whispered to Ganesh, "Can't you blow 'em up or somethin'?"
Ganesh sighed, frustrated. "I'm actually ... too powerful to fight here. I might hurt Toki, or one of you."
Osiris hastened his party to their horses. They rode a few paces, and disappeared.
Sariel looked like he was concentrating very hard.
"Bast," Sariel told her, opening his silver eyes. "You might wanna stand down"
"Am I supposed to be afraid of you?" Bast asked him, lifting her sword. "You're no match for me!"
"No, Sariel grinned. "You're not supposed to be afraid of me."
Raziel's sword was in Bast's face.
"I haven't been shopping in a fucking week. I am not in a good mood!" the little angel grumbled. "Oh my god, WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE SHOES?"
Bast scowled a cat scowl. "Tsk. So playing to female stereotypes."
"Female stereotypes?" asked Raziel. "You're a fucking sexy cat girl!"
"Oh my god," Nathan rumbled, "THERE'S GONNA BE A GIRL FIGHT!"
"Hmpf," Bast sniffed. "You know where Queen Raziel gains her renown? Spending her husband's money."
"Well, he is a bazillionaire. There's a lot to go through."
"Raziel, you are aware there's no such thing as a bazillionaire?" Sariel asked, probably to no avail.
"Why? He has bazillions!" Raziel countered.
"You shouldn't let him patronize you like that!" Bast told Raziel.
"He likes correcting me. It makes him feel important."
"Yes, because I have absolutely nothing else I do that could possibly make me feel important," groused Sariel.
"You should try knitting," Raziel suggested to him. "It gives you a feeling of personal satisfaction.
Sariel sighed deeply.
"Do you do ANYTHING that does not engender negative female stereotyping?" asked an exasperated Bast.
"Hey, I knit this shrug," Raziel noted.
"No kidding?"
"Yup."
"It's rather adorable! Is that wool?"
"No, acrylic! Would you believe?"
"Are you guys gonna fight or what?" Nathan wailed.
"Tch. Soooo patriarchal!" Bast sighed.
"Aw. Nathan's OK. What's the fight about anyway?" Raziel asked.
"Isis and Nephthys wish to stay with Osiris! They are two independent spirits, possessed of free will!"
"And really wretched judgment. Sariel told you they were stalking him, right?"
“What? No!”
“It’s not really something I’m eager to share, Raziel,” Sariel explained.
"What precisely do you mean by stalking?" Bast asked.
Sariel sighed. "Uh, they broke into my private bedroom, took off their seventeen layers of underpants, and crawled into a bed. My bed."
"They were to save themselves for Osiris! That was the agreement!" Bast declared.
"Sitting around naked in Mordhaus is probably not the best choice if you wanna remain chaste!" Sariel told her.
"Seems like they might have been having second thoughts about this," Raziel told Bast.
"Osiris told me they went willingly," Bast protested.
"Yoo believe dat dood?" Pickles protested. "His suit ain't even really wrinkled! An', he carries dose sheep dealies!"
"It's called a crook and flail," Sariel couldn't help saying, Ganesh staring daggers at him.
"He pays well," Bast told them.
"Have you attempted casching your payscheck yet, Missch Bast?" Murderface inquired.
Bast scowled a cat scowl. Some of her troops started to grumble about overdrawn bank accounts.
"They took Toki," Sariel told Raziel.
"FUCK! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME BUTTERFLY STITCHES THIS WEEK! OK, Bast! Are we gonna fight?" said Raziel, going into the pregnant version of her fighting stance.
Bast sighed. "I fear Osiris is an agent of oppression," she said, lowering her sword. She signaled her troops to stand down, and weapons were lowered.
"Skwisgaar?" Sariel said.
"Ja. Pickle ams gonna Walk with me?"
"We're gonna drive, dudesch!" Murderface announced, jumping behind the wheel of a jeep. "C'mon, I do dis wit' Dick all he time! It'sch faschter!"
Skwisgaar and Pickles jumped in.
"Can I go too can I go too?" Nathan, bouncing up and down on his toes with excitement, pleaded with Sariel. Sariel shrugged and gestured to the jeep. "AWESOME!" Nathan shouted, climbing on board. "Hurry the fuck up! We're getting Toki!" Murderface gunned the engine, and the four disappeared.
"Will they be all right, on their own like that?" Ganesh asked.
"They gotta grow up some time I guess," Sariel told him. He turned to Raziel. "Thanks for coming. It was an emergency. That needed, uh, girl power."
"Aw you can always call on your big sister!"
"But if you try and hug me, I will taser you."
Ganesh grinned and held out his arms, so Raziel shrugged and hugged him instead. "That's OK," Raziel grinned. "He's better looking." Sariel glowered and rattled his wings.
The horses scattered when the jeep appeared in their midst.
Nathan had grabbed Osiris down from his horse before the god could even signal to his soldiers. They surrounded the both of them now, Nathan holding Osiris by the scruff of the neck and yelling down. "You got something of ours. WE WANT HIM BACK."
Osiris sighed, seemingly quite bored by being manhandled by a death metal musician. "Go to hell. What are you idiots going to do except shout?"
Nathan quite agreeably shouted in response. "PICKLES." And then Pickles was there, and then he and Osiris and Nathan were gone.
And then Pickles was back, along with a slightly nauseous looking Nathan.
Pickles was standing on the hood of their jeep. "Yoo want Osiris dood back? 'Cause he ain't never gettin' outta where I just left him," he grinned.
Isis was standing there, glaring.
"You dare put your hands on a god?" she scolded.
"Dood. I'm fucking a god. An' an angel. I do a lot more dan put my hands on 'em."
Nephthys was looking black, even though she had doffed her customary dark gear. "Isis," she said. "I am, like, so not going."
"WHAT?" Isis sputtered.
"This is lame. And the clothes are like, so lame."
"But we were gonna totally like rule a new empire and stuff!" Isis whined.
"I don't wanna be a queen if I can't look cute."
"Why are you being such a total bitch!" Isis rejoindered.
"We always, like, have to do what you wanna do. You're so bossy. And those stupid Elder Gods are making my skin totally dry and cracked."
"Well you know what? I didn't wanna tell you, but that kalasiris makes you look totally fat."
"And I totally told you not to use magic on your hair, baldy. Come on, Toki," said Nephthys.
He didn't have to be asked twice.
"Where was that we left Osiris?" Nathan asked as they drove off. He was still looking a little green around the gills. "It was fucking creepy."
"Uriah's dream space," Pickles supplied.
"Dat creepy archangel what's dey keeps in a box?" Skwisgaar asked, looking around Nephthys, who had somehow made her way into his lap.
"Yep," Pickles grinned.
"Are you going to let him out again?" Murderface asked.
"Mebbe." Pickles put his hands behind his head. "When I feel like it."
"There's nothing so refreshing as a sea voyage, I've found!" Wotan, who was standing on the docks when the jeeps arrived announced. "I trust ye've met my cousin, Poseidon?" The sea god scratched his scraggly beard, pushed his baseball cap around so it was backwards on his head, and went to shake hands with everyone. Wotan came to give Raziel a kiss. "And how are the offspring."
"We're hungry!" answered Raziel, patting her stomach. "Girl fighting gives me an appetite."
"But you dudes didn't fight," Nathan whined.
"Yeah, but Bast is gonna start coming to my knitting circle. You should start coming too!" she said, gripping Nathan by the elbow and marching the large singer up the gangplank. "We could all make shrugs!"
"I don't wanna shrug! I just wanna see an awesome girl fight!"
The rest climbed aboard and set sail.
A bit later, Charles, who had been watching the port retreat in the distance, turned at the sound of a throat clearing.
"Look, I'm... I'm, like, sorry and stuff," Nephthys told him. She stood at the railing by Charles.
"Yeah?"
"I tried telling Isis it was wrong. I dunno why. I just didn't wanna do it, you know? Even if we are, like, predestined or whatever. It's stupid. And the clothes are, like, totally retarded!"
"Naphthys. You don't say 'retarded.' It's offensive."
"Oh. OK. Sorry."
"you know Aaron was disabled before you guys brought him back?"
"Yeah. I guess. What should I say?"
"I dunno. I'm not a good one to ask. Maybe unmetal."
"Oh, yeah! The clothes were, like, totally unmetal!"
"That's better."
"I thought we could, like, just sleep with Toki..."
"Only he wouldn't."
Nephthys nodded. "And then I thought Isis would agree to do it with you. She has this, like ... thing for guys who are, like, a little megalomaniacal, you know?"
"Uh, OK." If Charles still had had his wings out, he would have flapped them quite soundly at that one, but instead he just rolled his eyes. "Did you ever consider telling Isis you didn't wanna go with your brother?"
"It was hard to, like, reason with her, you know?"
No, he didn't know, but he nodded. Why am I doing this with her when this is exactly what I said I wouldn't do? he asked himself. Though it was a bit easier dealing with them when it was only one. "You know what you're gonna do now that you're not the co-queen of the New Kingdom?"
"I'll go back with Lady Parvati and help with Aaron until school starts. And then Lady Raziel wants me to come help with the twins."
From queen to au pair? Well, at least she wouldn't have to sleep with any overambitious relatives, he thought as she departed up the deck.
"Well, that was a pretty poor showing!" he turned again to the sound of Raziel's voice. "How are you gonna be the cranky and eccentric uncle if you're gonna be all reasonable?"
"I promise I will be far less reasonable with your kids. They will be your kids, after all. And, are you sure you wanna governess with the power of death?"
"Heh. I'm gonna need an au pair who can defend herself from my angel brats!" Raziel suddenly grabbed his hand and put it on her stomach. "Hey, you feel that?"
"Wow!"
"What is happening?" boomed Wotan, as he came around the deck with Ganesh. Raziel grabbed his hand, and he felt her stomach. "Feel that, Ganesh! My boy already has a fine sword arm!"
"It is quite impressive, however, it is almost certainly a kick, and not a sword thrust," Ganesh laughed.
"And how do you know it's him and not her?" Raziel asked.
"Well of course she will be a fine swordsman! She will take after her mother!" Wotan bragged, putting an arm around a somewhat mollified Raziel.
"She's going to study French and be a photojournalist!" Raziel insisted.
"Raziel," Charles grumbled, "if she's yours, she's gonna wanna slash things, not speak fucking French."
"Sariel, weren't YOU the one who was telling me my children would be weird and horrible because they're half angel, half god?" Raziel asked.
He shrugged. "Yeah," he sighed, "I think I'm proof enough of that!"
On another part of the deck, a young guitarist was getting a stern lecture.
"Dood! Don't never run off like dat agen! Yoo had us worried sick!" Pickles told Toki.
"Why didn't you come to us first! You should always come to us first!" Nathan growled.
"Day ams promisked me I woulds be skimmortal!" Toki protested.
"You ams alreadies da immortals'" Skwisgaar declared. "You ams plays in da band with me!"
"You were gonna be immortal?" Murderface asked suspiciously. "What were you gonna have to give up?"
"What?" asked Toki.
"For that kind of magic to work, you muscht make a schacrifische." The other band members suddenly stared at him. He shrugged defensively. "Dich'sch given me some booksch to read."
"You heard him, Toki, what did Osiris want?" Nathan asked.
"Dey ams makes me tells da jokes!" Toki declared.
"Wut dood?"
"Osiris said dey ams makes me da You Knocks. So, I guesses I ams tells da funny jokes! Like, you knocks, who ams there?"
"Uhhh, Toki," Pickles asked. "Eunuch?"
"Ja, da you knocks!"
Pickles cringed, Skwisgaar started playing a very agitated riff on his Gibson, and Murderface protectively grabbed his own crotch.
"Toki," Nathan thundered, one hand now guarding his manhood, "Eunuch is where they TAKE YOUR BALLS!"
"Why dey ams do somet'ings like dat?" Toki shrieked, grabbing his own testicles for safekeeping. "I ams like my balls."
"Dood. Den why did yoo feckin give dem to Isis an' Naphthys?" Pickles scolded.
"Uh, anything goin' on here?" Charles grinned, marveling at the sight of so many Dethklok members protectively guarding their precious male anatomy.
"Don't let dem takes my balls!" Toki wailed. And he was suddenly quite solidly glomped on to Charles.
"Uh, OK."
"Their own brother," Sariel shuddered.
"Unfortunately, it is not a rare thing among our kind. My kind. Er, actually..."
Sariel waved at him to forget about it.
"Anyway," Ganesh continued. "The taboos are not as strong. And as I told you, these are Elder Gods."
"You don't think it's disturbing?"
"I am simply saying, it is not unknown. As you are no doubt aware, one story regarding the unfortunate circumstances regarding my original head was that I was challenging my father over my mother?"
"What did really happen, anyway?"
"It was a ... simple misunderstanding. And you know my father has a temper." Ganesh turned to greet Sariel's mother, who was sitting comfortably under a tree. "How are you today, Lady Tzaphkiel?" Ganesh asked, bowing politely.
"I am very well, thank you," she told him. He nodded to Sariel and left.
"You weren't here last week," Tzaphkiel said softly.
"No. No I wasn't. I'm sorry. I was away," Sariel told her.
She was quiet for a time. "Was Ganesh there? With you?"
"Yes. Yes he was." He looked up from his book. "You said my father was a god?"
"Yes. Yes. He was."
"Would you.... Could you tell me about him?"
"What would you like to know?"
"Anything."
Charles walked along a nearly deserted corridor in Mordhaus.
Home.
But it hadn't felt like that. Not for a while. Probably since his illness, when Ganesh had basically kidnapped him and confined him the god's residence up North.
It was weird because he had built this place. To his specifications. Well, their specifications. He had chaired the endless design meeting where five spoiled children spilled out their every fantasy. It was he who had pored over architectural drawings and argued with contractors and mediated feuds over who had gotten a marginally bigger room.
He wished for not the first time in his existence that he was more like Raziel. She had simply crashed a party one evening in Valhalla, and then stayed around to marry the host and start popping out his halfling children. Very simple. Very clear. Although marriage for him would be no simple proposition, and regarding offspring.... Well, aside from his whole distaste for children on principle, he really wasn't willing to let himself be magicked into a mare for nine months.
And, he was still needed down here. This was his life, in many ways. He fully expected to enter his office right now and find some kind of terrible crisis that only he could solve.
He pulled open the door.
His office was completely empty.
He sighed.
He scooped up his laptop and turned around.
His office was filled. With strangers. Dressed in black and green.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Are you Sariel, son of Tzaphkiel?”
“Just stand still while I fucking call Security.” Actually, he had already called. They didn’t seem like angels, but he sensed that they were supernaturals of some kind.
He also sensed that they were trouble.
“Are you Sariel, son of Tzaphkiel?" they persisted.
“Suck my dick.”
The door burst open as the burly Security personnel stormed in. The strangers made a quick decision. Sariel or not, they fell upon him, and then he and they were gone, leaving a very confused group of hooded men standing alone in a darkened office.
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary:
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, pretty bad swearing - and potty-mouth will only get worse next chapter, so you have been warned.
Notes: Notes on Part 1.
As I told Z last night, Mythklok has gone to once a week as a sanity preservation measure. However, for reasons that will probably become obvious once you finish this bit, I might try to put Chapter 34 up a bit early.
NOTE: This was the first chapter I started since I moved to my new, brain-eating job. I don't know if that was a factor, but I am not happy with it at all, and at some point, will either rewrite it, or hit it in the head with a shovel and bury it in the back yard. IF YOU FEEL YOU'RE GETTING STUCK HERE, just read the beginning bits of the first part, and the ending of Part 2, and then skip ahead to Chapter 34. Really. I promise, there will not be a quiz.
Weird Children
Part 2 of 2
“You are aware that, simply because a beverage is placed in front of you, it is not necessary for you to fully consume it," Ganesh counseled.
Charles was wearing his most heavily tinted glasses. Pickles noticed that, despite claiming angel skin didn't burn, he was also hiding under a Keffiyeh this morning.
"Don't wanna look like a pussy," Charles yawned. He blinked down at Pickles. He and Ganesh were already mounted and ready to go. Though Charles didn't even have his feet in the stirrups. The bastard was sitting sort of cross legged and sideways in the saddle. "You gonna ride with me?"
Pickles really wanted to climb into a nice comfy jeep. Even if Murderface was driving. And it was a race with an equally batshit crazy Egyptian minor deity. Well, maybe he didn't want a seat in the jeep?
"I'll ride wit' Gannish dood. I t'ink he can see straight at least."
Osiris had mounted, along with Bast and Anubis. Pickles had to admit, they looked pretty fucking impressive. Osiris seemed to be one of those dudes who could go around always looking like he needed a shave and to have his suit pressed, but he looked damn good anyway. Pickles sort of bet the slightly rumpled white linen suit would finish the ride still only slightly rumpled. Whereas him....
As Ganesh pulled him up behind him in the saddle, Pickles hoped he was a bit more graceful of a rider than Charles. Pickles had realized yesterday that Charles basically rode the way Raziel did her version of the Spirit Walk. He wasn't actually very good at it, but he was absurdly strong and had a ridiculously acute sense of balance.
As it turned out, Ganesh was an excellent horseman, possibly because Uncle Wotan insisted on placing children in the saddle practically before they were out of diapers. Pickles wouldn't have exactly termed himself comfortable, but when they were a few miles out, Ganesh pulled alongside Charles, grinned and hiked a thumb back. Despite his blinding headache, Charles grinned too.
Pickles was fast asleep.
"I need speak with Him," Phanuel insisted.
"No one speaks with Him," the Cherub bureaucrat yawned.
Headquarters lay abandoned, somewhere far away. The temporary offices were ... beige. Very beige. As was the Cherub who sat at the receptionist's desk, beige eyes, beige hair, probably beige wings, if he's had them out. He looked ready to fade into the woodwork.
"There is a tear! A universe will die! It may bring down Creation if it is not attended. Does any of this matter to you?"
The Cherub's soulless eyes said it all. "No one speaks with Him," it intoned.
"Is there a problem?"
Phanuel turned, astonished to find himself actually glad at the sound of Michael's voice.
"I need speak with Him."
"No one speaks-"
"There is a tear, an irregularity, you complete idiot!"
Michael found himself speechless at the insubordination.
"While He amuses Himself dabbling at watercolors," Phanuel continued, "the universe is at risk."
"I can.... I can get a message to Him," Michael said.
"Then kindly tell Him I will take such troops as I feel are required and attend to this. And I apologize terribly for breaking into his obviously important sketchbook time." Phanuel spat out the last words as if they were dripped in acid.
Michael shook his head as Phanuel turned and departed. "Depressing sonuvabitch," he muttered.
It was a city. Well, at one point it had been a city. The capitol of a desert empire.
They had come out of the desert quite suddenly, to a hillside. The entire thing, for as far as the eye could see, was covered in stone ruins. Grand temples to forgotten gods, now standing ruined, covered in sand.
They had dismounted to await the rest of their party.
One jeep pulled up. An excited William Murderface popped out, along with a couple rather less than excited Egyptian minor deities, one of whom immediately stumbled off a few steps in order to vomit. A few minutes later, the second jeep followed. This one disgorged more deities.
"Beat ya again!" Murderface announced happily.
"Where's Toki?" Charles asked Osiris.
"He was feeling a bit under the weather. As I'm certain you can appreciate," Osiris casually explained. "Please step this way!"
Charles pulled Pickles aside. "Did you see Toki last night?"
"Yeh," said Pickles who looked confused. "He had less to drink dan yoo did. Not dat dat meant anyt'ing."
Nathan had stopped as well. "He was hanging out with those CREEPY TWINS. That's why we've been avoiding him."
"Yeah, I understand," Charles told them. "Believe me, I understand. Still, when we get back, could you guys check on him?"
"Dood," Pickles told him. "Yoo know dey've been hang in' out at Mordhaus agen?"
"What? Shit! I specifically told them to get lost. I'm gonna have Raziel tan their fucking pastel asses when we get back."
Pickles and Nathan chuckled and followed the rest into the city.
Charles noticed Bast had tarried behind the others, obviously keeping a watch on him.
"I thought you worked for Ammon Ra," he told her.
"Times change," she told him, switching her tail. "Cat girl's gotta eat."
"I thought you were a lion girl."
Bast sighed. "I was. Once."
Nathan was standing in the middle of what must have been once a mighty temple. "It must've been AWESOME being a god dude and stuff!"
"Pffft," opined Skwisgaar. "Dis ams looks like rocks to me."
Nathan looked curiously at his band mate. "But, you do all that weird shit. Aren't you like sort of a god or something?"
"I ams not t'inks about it too hard," Skwisgaar admitted. "I ams mostly t'inks about beautiful ladies." He said this just as Bast stepped into the temple.
Bast switched her tail. She sighed. "You realize that kind of talk is oppressive to women!"
"Yeah, Schwischgaar, you schould be more schenschitive!" Murderface scolded. Neither Nathan nor Skwisgaar had seen him come up - he had almost certainly been more or less stalking Bast.
"And, you ams sensitive guys?" Skwisgaar chuckled.
"I am enlightened enough not to demean women with objectifying commentary."
"Ah finally someone who gets it!" Bast stated.
"I attribute my enlightened schtate to my readingsch of a bit of femischt commentary of late."
Nathan and Skwisgaar looked at each other, speechless.
"Showalter?" Bast asked eagerly, taking Murderface's arm.
"Yesch, but you are aware of Moi's criticischms?" Murderface asked as they made their way off.
"Uhhhhhhh," said Nathan. "Did she really just fall for that?"
"Pfft, cat girls ams always too doctrinaire. Maybe I ams tries my lucks wit' dat frog girl laters."
Osiris entered the temple just then, Anubis at his right hand. He appeared to be conducting a sort of tour for Pickles, Ganesh, and a terribly sour looking Charles. It wasn't entirely clear if Charles bad mood was attributable to his hangover, or to Osiris' bragging.
"Cool temple, dude," Nathan said.
"This is nothing to its glory days!" Osiris stated. Pickles had been correct: he was precisely as rumpled and unshaven as before he had ridden over.
"Oh, here we go," muttered Charles, who irritably put his keffiyeh back on.
"You should have seen the marvel, Nathan, as the hillside burst with pageantry!" Osiris waved his shepherd's crook, looking like some kind of Little Miami Vice Peep.
"Pageantry is cool," Nathan agreed.
"The city teemed in royal retainers in colorful garb."
"And royal slaves with colorful whip marks," Charles muttered.
"Jaanu," Ganesh whispered out of the corner of his mouth. "We are his guests."
"It was a sight to behold!"
"So, dude, what happened to everyone?" Nathan asked.
"Some minor management mistakes, nothing that can't be fixed. And it is nothing to what is to be, in the future, our New Kingdom, spreading throughout the Middle East, Europe, Asia...."
Ganesh suddenly glowered. "There exist already empires in those places. I presume you have cleared this with the parties in question?"
"You are a modern man, little cousin," Osiris smiled, which only intensified Ganesh's scowl. "You know you cannot stand against the future!"
"I know I cannot stand much more of this," Ganesh muttered as Osiris led off Nathan and Skwisgaar. "Have you had a chance to broach the subject of Seth with him yet?"
"What? You don't wanna get a lovely fucking summer cottage down here and just hang out?" Charles grinned.
"No, I do not wish a lovely fucking cottage anywhere near that man."
"He's always had that effect. Anyway, in answer to your question, no. I've tried asking, but he just gets all, 'I move in mysterious ways' on me. Reminds me of crap we used to get from Our Father."
"Elder Gods," said Ganesh.
"Naw, I think Osiris is just an asshole,"
Pickles was uneasy. Once they had returned from the tour, he and Nathan had split up to look for Toki.
He found Ganesh and Charles sitting having a drink.
"Dood! We couldn't find him! Or da twins!"
Ganesh looked up from his laptop computer. "Do you think we should confront Osiris, jaanu? Jaanu?"
Pickles waved his hand in front of Charles' face. No reaction. Ganesh cocked his head. He leaned over and pulled off Charles' dark glasses. He was out cold.
"Too much partyin' again?" Pickles grinned. "Hard to keep up wit' Det'klok when you ain't got no body fat."
Ganesh grabbed the glass that was near Charles' hand. He picked it up looked at it in the light, and then sniffed at it. "He hasn't had much tonight. I believe he was drugged," Ganesh said very quietly. He pulled open one of Charles' eyes and studied his pupil. He looked at Pickles. “Perhaps last night as well."
Pickles scowled. "Is he OK?"
Ganesh nodded. "It takes rather a lot to knock out an angel for too long. I will see if I have any remedies in my bag. Though, this adds to my unease regarding Osiris."
Pickles nodded sheepishly. "Osiris reminds me of one of da managers we had wit' Snakes n Barrels. He boned Sammy an' den walked off wit' most of our money."
Ganesh leaned over and gathered Charles in his arms. Fortunately, whatever they had slipped him this night evidently did not encourage him to make himself heavy. "If you can," he told Pickles, "tear Skwisgaar off that frog goddess and see if he has any luck tracking down your band mate. I shall try to awaken our sleeping angel."
"Oh, yeh, dat Heqet chick," Pickles laughed. "I wouldn't wanna see a paternity suit from dat one."
"Skwis-tadpoles?" Ganesh grinned.
Skwisgaar had been persuaded to depart his Frog goddess and, with a bit more cajoling and whining from Pickles, had been convinced to don a pair of pants.
Now he was hot on the trail of Toki and the twins, Dethklok behind him, carrying various firearms, knives, bludgeons, a morningstar, and an IKEA lamp.
Skwisgaar turned the corner into the courtyard, where the rest of the band witnessed a pair of hands grabbing the guitarist and dragging him off. "Whoa! You dudes ams looks weird!" he exclaimed. His band mates ran to see what the matter was.
Osiris had gathered a large party of horses and gods in the courtyard, along with the twins, and a very nervous looking Toki. A rather large god with a hawk's head was holding on to Skwisgaar, but the guitarist seemed a lot more intrigued by Isis and Nephthys. The girls had changed from their distinctive frilly wardrobe to simple linen kalasirises. Isis had let her hair go back to black from its usual Pastel blue or green, although she appeared to now have a few odd-looking bald spots.
"Why, hello there. I do apologize," Osiris grinned. "I suppose it would have been rude of us to leave without saying goodbye."
"What the fuck do you dudes think you're doing?" Nathan grumbled, holding tight to his IKEA lamp.
"We are relocating to our new residence," Osiris explained. "It's in a more ... desirable neighborhood. You know real estate, location location location."
"Yeah? Why the fuck is Toki going?" Nathan growled.
"Toki is with us," Isis told them. "We're going with our brother." She went to grasp Osiris' hand. "We are to be be his new queens. And the desert empire will rise again!"
"Yoo will... Wut? EWWW!" exclaimed Pickles.
"Our son is fated to defeat Seth! He is the chosen one!" Isis continued.
"Your..." Nathan stumbled. "But aren't you...?"
"Isis, dood! Dat's sick! He's yer brudder! GAWD!" Pickles shuddered.
"Dey ams creepsier dan I ams t'oughts," Skwisgaar muttered.
"What the FUCK is going on here?" Charles demanded, suddenly marching in, Ganesh at his heels.
"Dis asshole ams goes off with Tokis!" Skwisgaar told him.
"I had hoped you would still be asleep for this," Osiris warned. "That might have saved you the unpleasantness."
"You thought you could drug me? I get stoned with Pickles," Charles told him.
"Dude, is that true?" Nathan whispered to Pickles.
"Yeh, petty much."
"Oh. I knew Ganesh was a total pothead."
"Yeh, but Gannish don' like him smokin' no more, so we usually doo 'shrooms, dat kinda t'ing."
"Oooooh. Not coke?"
"Dood. You don' want Charles doin' coke."
"No?"
"Believe me."
Toki had come a bit timidly to the front, urged on by Isis. "I ams goings with them," he said, though not entirely confidently. "It ams of my own free wills," he continued, defiantly crossing his arms.
"Wut!" Pickles exclaimed. "Yer not goin' anywhere!"
"Yes I ams," Toki insisted.
Charles walked up to Toki. "No. You're. Not."
"I ams goings ofs my own free wills?" Toki repeated, now a bit unsteadily.
"You are not fucking going anywhere until I fucking figure out what is fucking going on here."
The defiance crumbled. "If I ams nots goings," Toki said in a whisper, "they ams hurts you."
Charles burst out his wings, right through his suit jacket. Toki blinked under the silvery stare. "They can't hurt me," Sariel told him
"Now, let's not resort to dramatics," Osiris said, motioning to Bast. Sariel was suddenly surrounded by a rather large contingent of heavily armed gods. He turned his glare to Osiris.
"You can leave, but you know I'll follow you," Sariel told the god.
"You will never find us in the dessert."
"Wanna bet?"
"Dood," Pickles whispered to Ganesh, "Can't you blow 'em up or somethin'?"
Ganesh sighed, frustrated. "I'm actually ... too powerful to fight here. I might hurt Toki, or one of you."
Osiris hastened his party to their horses. They rode a few paces, and disappeared.
Sariel looked like he was concentrating very hard.
"Bast," Sariel told her, opening his silver eyes. "You might wanna stand down"
"Am I supposed to be afraid of you?" Bast asked him, lifting her sword. "You're no match for me!"
"No, Sariel grinned. "You're not supposed to be afraid of me."
Raziel's sword was in Bast's face.
"I haven't been shopping in a fucking week. I am not in a good mood!" the little angel grumbled. "Oh my god, WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE SHOES?"
Bast scowled a cat scowl. "Tsk. So playing to female stereotypes."
"Female stereotypes?" asked Raziel. "You're a fucking sexy cat girl!"
"Oh my god," Nathan rumbled, "THERE'S GONNA BE A GIRL FIGHT!"
"Hmpf," Bast sniffed. "You know where Queen Raziel gains her renown? Spending her husband's money."
"Well, he is a bazillionaire. There's a lot to go through."
"Raziel, you are aware there's no such thing as a bazillionaire?" Sariel asked, probably to no avail.
"Why? He has bazillions!" Raziel countered.
"You shouldn't let him patronize you like that!" Bast told Raziel.
"He likes correcting me. It makes him feel important."
"Yes, because I have absolutely nothing else I do that could possibly make me feel important," groused Sariel.
"You should try knitting," Raziel suggested to him. "It gives you a feeling of personal satisfaction.
Sariel sighed deeply.
"Do you do ANYTHING that does not engender negative female stereotyping?" asked an exasperated Bast.
"Hey, I knit this shrug," Raziel noted.
"No kidding?"
"Yup."
"It's rather adorable! Is that wool?"
"No, acrylic! Would you believe?"
"Are you guys gonna fight or what?" Nathan wailed.
"Tch. Soooo patriarchal!" Bast sighed.
"Aw. Nathan's OK. What's the fight about anyway?" Raziel asked.
"Isis and Nephthys wish to stay with Osiris! They are two independent spirits, possessed of free will!"
"And really wretched judgment. Sariel told you they were stalking him, right?"
“What? No!”
“It’s not really something I’m eager to share, Raziel,” Sariel explained.
"What precisely do you mean by stalking?" Bast asked.
Sariel sighed. "Uh, they broke into my private bedroom, took off their seventeen layers of underpants, and crawled into a bed. My bed."
"They were to save themselves for Osiris! That was the agreement!" Bast declared.
"Sitting around naked in Mordhaus is probably not the best choice if you wanna remain chaste!" Sariel told her.
"Seems like they might have been having second thoughts about this," Raziel told Bast.
"Osiris told me they went willingly," Bast protested.
"Yoo believe dat dood?" Pickles protested. "His suit ain't even really wrinkled! An', he carries dose sheep dealies!"
"It's called a crook and flail," Sariel couldn't help saying, Ganesh staring daggers at him.
"He pays well," Bast told them.
"Have you attempted casching your payscheck yet, Missch Bast?" Murderface inquired.
Bast scowled a cat scowl. Some of her troops started to grumble about overdrawn bank accounts.
"They took Toki," Sariel told Raziel.
"FUCK! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME BUTTERFLY STITCHES THIS WEEK! OK, Bast! Are we gonna fight?" said Raziel, going into the pregnant version of her fighting stance.
Bast sighed. "I fear Osiris is an agent of oppression," she said, lowering her sword. She signaled her troops to stand down, and weapons were lowered.
"Skwisgaar?" Sariel said.
"Ja. Pickle ams gonna Walk with me?"
"We're gonna drive, dudesch!" Murderface announced, jumping behind the wheel of a jeep. "C'mon, I do dis wit' Dick all he time! It'sch faschter!"
Skwisgaar and Pickles jumped in.
"Can I go too can I go too?" Nathan, bouncing up and down on his toes with excitement, pleaded with Sariel. Sariel shrugged and gestured to the jeep. "AWESOME!" Nathan shouted, climbing on board. "Hurry the fuck up! We're getting Toki!" Murderface gunned the engine, and the four disappeared.
"Will they be all right, on their own like that?" Ganesh asked.
"They gotta grow up some time I guess," Sariel told him. He turned to Raziel. "Thanks for coming. It was an emergency. That needed, uh, girl power."
"Aw you can always call on your big sister!"
"But if you try and hug me, I will taser you."
Ganesh grinned and held out his arms, so Raziel shrugged and hugged him instead. "That's OK," Raziel grinned. "He's better looking." Sariel glowered and rattled his wings.
The horses scattered when the jeep appeared in their midst.
Nathan had grabbed Osiris down from his horse before the god could even signal to his soldiers. They surrounded the both of them now, Nathan holding Osiris by the scruff of the neck and yelling down. "You got something of ours. WE WANT HIM BACK."
Osiris sighed, seemingly quite bored by being manhandled by a death metal musician. "Go to hell. What are you idiots going to do except shout?"
Nathan quite agreeably shouted in response. "PICKLES." And then Pickles was there, and then he and Osiris and Nathan were gone.
And then Pickles was back, along with a slightly nauseous looking Nathan.
Pickles was standing on the hood of their jeep. "Yoo want Osiris dood back? 'Cause he ain't never gettin' outta where I just left him," he grinned.
Isis was standing there, glaring.
"You dare put your hands on a god?" she scolded.
"Dood. I'm fucking a god. An' an angel. I do a lot more dan put my hands on 'em."
Nephthys was looking black, even though she had doffed her customary dark gear. "Isis," she said. "I am, like, so not going."
"WHAT?" Isis sputtered.
"This is lame. And the clothes are like, so lame."
"But we were gonna totally like rule a new empire and stuff!" Isis whined.
"I don't wanna be a queen if I can't look cute."
"Why are you being such a total bitch!" Isis rejoindered.
"We always, like, have to do what you wanna do. You're so bossy. And those stupid Elder Gods are making my skin totally dry and cracked."
"Well you know what? I didn't wanna tell you, but that kalasiris makes you look totally fat."
"And I totally told you not to use magic on your hair, baldy. Come on, Toki," said Nephthys.
He didn't have to be asked twice.
"Where was that we left Osiris?" Nathan asked as they drove off. He was still looking a little green around the gills. "It was fucking creepy."
"Uriah's dream space," Pickles supplied.
"Dat creepy archangel what's dey keeps in a box?" Skwisgaar asked, looking around Nephthys, who had somehow made her way into his lap.
"Yep," Pickles grinned.
"Are you going to let him out again?" Murderface asked.
"Mebbe." Pickles put his hands behind his head. "When I feel like it."
"There's nothing so refreshing as a sea voyage, I've found!" Wotan, who was standing on the docks when the jeeps arrived announced. "I trust ye've met my cousin, Poseidon?" The sea god scratched his scraggly beard, pushed his baseball cap around so it was backwards on his head, and went to shake hands with everyone. Wotan came to give Raziel a kiss. "And how are the offspring."
"We're hungry!" answered Raziel, patting her stomach. "Girl fighting gives me an appetite."
"But you dudes didn't fight," Nathan whined.
"Yeah, but Bast is gonna start coming to my knitting circle. You should start coming too!" she said, gripping Nathan by the elbow and marching the large singer up the gangplank. "We could all make shrugs!"
"I don't wanna shrug! I just wanna see an awesome girl fight!"
The rest climbed aboard and set sail.
A bit later, Charles, who had been watching the port retreat in the distance, turned at the sound of a throat clearing.
"Look, I'm... I'm, like, sorry and stuff," Nephthys told him. She stood at the railing by Charles.
"Yeah?"
"I tried telling Isis it was wrong. I dunno why. I just didn't wanna do it, you know? Even if we are, like, predestined or whatever. It's stupid. And the clothes are, like, totally retarded!"
"Naphthys. You don't say 'retarded.' It's offensive."
"Oh. OK. Sorry."
"you know Aaron was disabled before you guys brought him back?"
"Yeah. I guess. What should I say?"
"I dunno. I'm not a good one to ask. Maybe unmetal."
"Oh, yeah! The clothes were, like, totally unmetal!"
"That's better."
"I thought we could, like, just sleep with Toki..."
"Only he wouldn't."
Nephthys nodded. "And then I thought Isis would agree to do it with you. She has this, like ... thing for guys who are, like, a little megalomaniacal, you know?"
"Uh, OK." If Charles still had had his wings out, he would have flapped them quite soundly at that one, but instead he just rolled his eyes. "Did you ever consider telling Isis you didn't wanna go with your brother?"
"It was hard to, like, reason with her, you know?"
No, he didn't know, but he nodded. Why am I doing this with her when this is exactly what I said I wouldn't do? he asked himself. Though it was a bit easier dealing with them when it was only one. "You know what you're gonna do now that you're not the co-queen of the New Kingdom?"
"I'll go back with Lady Parvati and help with Aaron until school starts. And then Lady Raziel wants me to come help with the twins."
From queen to au pair? Well, at least she wouldn't have to sleep with any overambitious relatives, he thought as she departed up the deck.
"Well, that was a pretty poor showing!" he turned again to the sound of Raziel's voice. "How are you gonna be the cranky and eccentric uncle if you're gonna be all reasonable?"
"I promise I will be far less reasonable with your kids. They will be your kids, after all. And, are you sure you wanna governess with the power of death?"
"Heh. I'm gonna need an au pair who can defend herself from my angel brats!" Raziel suddenly grabbed his hand and put it on her stomach. "Hey, you feel that?"
"Wow!"
"What is happening?" boomed Wotan, as he came around the deck with Ganesh. Raziel grabbed his hand, and he felt her stomach. "Feel that, Ganesh! My boy already has a fine sword arm!"
"It is quite impressive, however, it is almost certainly a kick, and not a sword thrust," Ganesh laughed.
"And how do you know it's him and not her?" Raziel asked.
"Well of course she will be a fine swordsman! She will take after her mother!" Wotan bragged, putting an arm around a somewhat mollified Raziel.
"She's going to study French and be a photojournalist!" Raziel insisted.
"Raziel," Charles grumbled, "if she's yours, she's gonna wanna slash things, not speak fucking French."
"Sariel, weren't YOU the one who was telling me my children would be weird and horrible because they're half angel, half god?" Raziel asked.
He shrugged. "Yeah," he sighed, "I think I'm proof enough of that!"
On another part of the deck, a young guitarist was getting a stern lecture.
"Dood! Don't never run off like dat agen! Yoo had us worried sick!" Pickles told Toki.
"Why didn't you come to us first! You should always come to us first!" Nathan growled.
"Day ams promisked me I woulds be skimmortal!" Toki protested.
"You ams alreadies da immortals'" Skwisgaar declared. "You ams plays in da band with me!"
"You were gonna be immortal?" Murderface asked suspiciously. "What were you gonna have to give up?"
"What?" asked Toki.
"For that kind of magic to work, you muscht make a schacrifische." The other band members suddenly stared at him. He shrugged defensively. "Dich'sch given me some booksch to read."
"You heard him, Toki, what did Osiris want?" Nathan asked.
"Dey ams makes me tells da jokes!" Toki declared.
"Wut dood?"
"Osiris said dey ams makes me da You Knocks. So, I guesses I ams tells da funny jokes! Like, you knocks, who ams there?"
"Uhhh, Toki," Pickles asked. "Eunuch?"
"Ja, da you knocks!"
Pickles cringed, Skwisgaar started playing a very agitated riff on his Gibson, and Murderface protectively grabbed his own crotch.
"Toki," Nathan thundered, one hand now guarding his manhood, "Eunuch is where they TAKE YOUR BALLS!"
"Why dey ams do somet'ings like dat?" Toki shrieked, grabbing his own testicles for safekeeping. "I ams like my balls."
"Dood. Den why did yoo feckin give dem to Isis an' Naphthys?" Pickles scolded.
"Uh, anything goin' on here?" Charles grinned, marveling at the sight of so many Dethklok members protectively guarding their precious male anatomy.
"Don't let dem takes my balls!" Toki wailed. And he was suddenly quite solidly glomped on to Charles.
"Uh, OK."
"Their own brother," Sariel shuddered.
"Unfortunately, it is not a rare thing among our kind. My kind. Er, actually..."
Sariel waved at him to forget about it.
"Anyway," Ganesh continued. "The taboos are not as strong. And as I told you, these are Elder Gods."
"You don't think it's disturbing?"
"I am simply saying, it is not unknown. As you are no doubt aware, one story regarding the unfortunate circumstances regarding my original head was that I was challenging my father over my mother?"
"What did really happen, anyway?"
"It was a ... simple misunderstanding. And you know my father has a temper." Ganesh turned to greet Sariel's mother, who was sitting comfortably under a tree. "How are you today, Lady Tzaphkiel?" Ganesh asked, bowing politely.
"I am very well, thank you," she told him. He nodded to Sariel and left.
"You weren't here last week," Tzaphkiel said softly.
"No. No I wasn't. I'm sorry. I was away," Sariel told her.
She was quiet for a time. "Was Ganesh there? With you?"
"Yes. Yes he was." He looked up from his book. "You said my father was a god?"
"Yes. Yes. He was."
"Would you.... Could you tell me about him?"
"What would you like to know?"
"Anything."
Charles walked along a nearly deserted corridor in Mordhaus.
Home.
But it hadn't felt like that. Not for a while. Probably since his illness, when Ganesh had basically kidnapped him and confined him the god's residence up North.
It was weird because he had built this place. To his specifications. Well, their specifications. He had chaired the endless design meeting where five spoiled children spilled out their every fantasy. It was he who had pored over architectural drawings and argued with contractors and mediated feuds over who had gotten a marginally bigger room.
He wished for not the first time in his existence that he was more like Raziel. She had simply crashed a party one evening in Valhalla, and then stayed around to marry the host and start popping out his halfling children. Very simple. Very clear. Although marriage for him would be no simple proposition, and regarding offspring.... Well, aside from his whole distaste for children on principle, he really wasn't willing to let himself be magicked into a mare for nine months.
And, he was still needed down here. This was his life, in many ways. He fully expected to enter his office right now and find some kind of terrible crisis that only he could solve.
He pulled open the door.
His office was completely empty.
He sighed.
He scooped up his laptop and turned around.
His office was filled. With strangers. Dressed in black and green.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Are you Sariel, son of Tzaphkiel?”
“Just stand still while I fucking call Security.” Actually, he had already called. They didn’t seem like angels, but he sensed that they were supernaturals of some kind.
He also sensed that they were trouble.
“Are you Sariel, son of Tzaphkiel?" they persisted.
“Suck my dick.”
The door burst open as the burly Security personnel stormed in. The strangers made a quick decision. Sariel or not, they fell upon him, and then he and they were gone, leaving a very confused group of hooded men standing alone in a darkened office.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:16 am (UTC)According to Pickles, probably not.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-06 04:27 am (UTC)I've heard from researchers who work with sociopaths that some people seem to have a weird sixth sense that they can sense when the other person is a psychopath. Obviously, Pickles' parents don't have this sense. Or, much of any other sense. :D