tikific | The Big Swede (Mythklok Interstitial)

Title: The Big Swede (Mythklok Interstitial)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A private dick takes the case
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, swearing, smoking
Notes: This one is complete nonsense which was written pretty much solely to pander to those who like the idea of Skwisgaar wearing a fedora. Pretty light on the AU bits. Also, if you're not familiar with The Maltese Falcon, you're probably better off, as NO ONE understands that movie. Oh, also, yes, I have a real chapter almost done, will probably be up this weekend.

Cross-posted to

capslokdethklok.

The Big Swede

Raziel swears to me that this story is absolutely true.

Skwis Skwigelf, private dick, plus also free-lance detective, sat fingering his Gibson.

And then she walked in. You knew from the way she walked what kind of dame she was: a pregnant angel dressed in the replica of a 1940s era outfit she'd probably seen in some Bette Davis movie.

She sat on his desk. Which was surprising, as his bedroom didn't usually have a desk, just a really big bed plus usually lots of women. But, anyway, she perched up on his desk and kicked out one slinky leg to rest on his chair. And then she toppled over on her ass, because her legs were actually pretty short, and wouldn't reach.

"So, will you take my case?" asked the dame, as she righted herself.

"I don't know. Your gams ain't da bests."

"WHAT!"

"You ams gots to be da femme fatale!"

"I'm fatal! I've killed lots of guys!"

"Pffft."

"Don't Pfft me, you Swedish brat! I'll tell your father!"

"You ams not tells Wotan on me!"

"Shhh! I'm dialing. Sweetie! I'm with Skwisgaar.... No, I'm not shopping again. No! I'm with Skwisgaar. Oh, he's fine. (Your dad says hi.). He's opened a hard boiled detective agency and he won't take my case even though I have really great gams."

"Pffft!"

"DID YOU HEAR THAT? HE JUST SCOFFED AT MY GAMS!" Raziel scowled at the phone and abruptly hung up.

"What he ams say?"

"I couldn't hear over the laughter." She turned her scowl on Skwis. "And, you stole my hat!"

"It ams looks betters on me!"

"IT DOES.... You know, actually, you do look pretty good in a fedora."

"Ja?"

"Yeah, it looks sorta jaunty. Have you considered a three piece suit?"

"Hmpf. I ams makes you da deals. You ams lets me keeps da hat, and I ams take da case."

"You got a deal, Skwis."

"Hey, Lady Raz!"

"Hi, Nathan!" called the dame as she slinked off to parts unknown, although she was probably going shopping.

"Hey, Skwisgaar," said Nathan. "Nice hat."

"I ams da hard boiled detectives, and I ams on da case!"

"Skwis, confidentially, that sounds sorta gay."

"Pffft."

"But, Uhhhhhhh..... Actually, can I be your partner? Because, I'm completely bored and stuff."

"Ja OK, you ams go out and follow some dude."

"AWESOME!"

Somewhat later, down a lonely alleyway....

"Dude, I'm shot! This is so completely lame."

"Nathan, uh, you know, since you're dead, you might wanna shut up?"

"BUT I'M DEAD."

"Hellos, Charles, ams you playings da cop dude?" asked Skwis Skwigelf, who was on the case. Plus he looked pretty damn good in his fedora.

"Skwisgaar. Nice hat."

"Ja I ams looks pretty damn goods, Ja?"

"Yes, it's very attractive."

"What ams happened?"

"Well, Skwisgaar, you're partner, Nathan Explosion, is dead...."

"It's completely lame!"

"Nat'ans, you ams deads!"

"But I was so BORED!" Nathan sobbed.

"Pffft. All rights, Nathan's, you can ams bes another character. You go be da captain of da La Paloma."

"AWESOME! I'm on a boat!" Nathan growled, skipping off. Well, he actually didn't skip. But, it was actually a little gay the way he ran off.

"So what you ams thinks I do next, Police Detective Charles?"

"Well, uh, I think you might go back to your bedroom.... Office.... Bedroom-office. There was a shady looking character hanging around."

Skwis Skwigelf returned to his bedroom/office thing to find a shady character was indeed hanging out there.

"Dooooooooood! Nice hat," remarked the shady character.

"Thanks."

"Dood, I, like, totally need to find a black bird."

"OK, I ams do that. I ams a private dick with a really cools hat. Why you ams wants to find da bird?"

"Uhhhhhhh. I don't remember, dood. Is it worth a lotta money or somethin'?"

"Shouldn't you ams tells me dat?"

"Tell yoo wut?"

"Eh. OK. I ams looks for da black birds."

"Wut bird? Dood, dat is soooo weird! I wuz lookin' fer a bird! Doo yoo s'pose it's da same one?"

"OK, shady Pickles dude, Maybe you ams go sees my loyal secretary what's gots da secrets crushes on me. Hey, loyal secretary what ams gots da secrets crushes me!"

"Here I ams, bosses!"

"Ech. Toki. What you ams doings in my rooms?"

"I ams playings da assistants what's secretly wants to crush you!"

"Uh, ja."

"Doooood," shady Pickles interjected. "Is dat yer secretary? ''Cuz, she's kinda hot."

"Uh, ja, Pickle? You ams goes with Tokis now, and we never ams speaks of dis again."

But even as shady Pickles and loyal Toki were leaving for parts unknown (because I'm not entirely certain which comm would get THAT fic), another mysterious character suddenly came rushing headlong into Skwis Skwigelf's office.

"AAAARRRRRGGGH!" I got shot! AGAIN!" wailed Nathan Explosion.

"Ja. Dat's what ams happens," commented a really bored sounding Skwis Skwigelf. (He was hard boiled, you see.) He tipped back his cool hat to a jauntier angle.

"When I asked to play another character, I didn't know I'd get shot AGAIN!"

"Pffft. You ams not specified."

"Oh, well, anyway, before i die AGAIN, here's your mysterious package."

"Oh, dat ams cool! But I ams feels bad. I ams not gets anythings for you."

"Oh, that's OK, I'm dying so it's probably moot anyway. This is still better than sitting around having Charles nag me to start on the next album. Maybe you could let me play a character who DOESN'T GET SHOT and we'll call it even?"

"Ja, dat sounds OK dude."

But just as Nathan was expiring dramatically on the floor, the dame with the not so great gams returned, wearing a completely different outfit, and carrying quite a lot of shopping bags. However, her legs still didn't quite reach from the top of the desk to Skwis' chair, as she found out when she attempted to pose that way again.

"Dammit, Skwis, you gotta get that fixed, you're gonna kill someone," she shouted up from the floor.

"Someones actualies alreadies gots killed."

"I died TWICE!" Nathan wailed.

"Ja twos peoples ams died. It ams worse dan one of our concerts."

"Hey, you put your hat at a slightly jauntier angle!" she said.

"Ja."

"Anyway," the dame confided, "now I'm pretending to be somebody different for no particular reason."

"Oh, dats ams confusings!"

"You must go see ... The Fat Man!" the dame with great gams who was somebody else told him.

"Oh, that's right, I'm fat! Why don't I just kill myself?" the Fat Man, who had just showed up as if on cue, sighed.

"Nah, dudes, just hangs around dis story ands you ams probable ends up dead," Skwis Skwigelf told him.

"Like me!" Nathan groused.

"Nathan's, you ams gots to go play another character now."

"AWESOME!" agreed Nathan, suddenly springing back to life.

"Hold it there, shady character Nathan!" shouted Police Detective Charles, who had just shown up as well.

"AAAARRRRGH!" Nathan howled. "You fucking shot me again."

"Nah, it's just a taser," Police Detective Charles patiently explained. "By the way, when are you gonna get started on that new album?"

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!" howled Nathan.

"I gots to give da package from da other guys dat Nathan's was playing before to my loyal secretary now for safeskeeping," Skwis explained.

"Here I ams, your loyals secretaries!" Toki chirped, as he and Pickles returned. Both of them looked a bit disheveled. But, as I explained before, that's a story for another day, on another LJ comm.

"Wait, did you ever look to see what was in the package?" Police Detective Charles asked as he fiddled with the settings on his taser.

"Oh, no, I didn't think of dat, I ams too busy adjusting my hat to a jaunty angle." And with that Skwis Skwigelf drew the cover off the package to reveal a bird cage containing a raven.

"Oh, THERE you are Huginn!" said Raziel. "Come along, I'll get you some cake!" And with that she took jer many shopping bags and departed.

"Wait, this was all for her fucking raven?" Nathan groused.

"No, dat was da Max Guffins!" Skwis Skwigelf explained.

"Max Guffins Who is that asshole? Because I'm seriously gonna kick his ass."

"Nathan, a MacGuffin is a plot device meant to stimulate audience interest," Police Detective Charles explained.

"Stimulate? That's what I wanted! Where's the chicks with the big tits?"

"You ams means da greats gams," Skwis told him.

"Wait, dude, don't gams mean tits?" Nathan asked.

"No," Charles put in helpfully, "actually Nathan, 'gams' is slang for legs."

"Then, what do you call tits?"

"Tits."

"Oooohhhhh!"

"And now it ams times for my next case! To da strip clubs, dudes!"

"Uh, Skwis, dude, I don't remember you getting a new case," Nathan asked.

"ALL cases ams starts in da strips clubs dudes. Don't you ams ever watch da detective movies?"

"Ooooohhhh."

As the rest of those assembled departed for parts unknown (but probably a sleazy strip club), Skwis Skwigelf confided to his thrice-dead partner, "Sticks with me, kiddo. Maybe we ams even gets you da hats."

"I'd rather have a taser," said Nathan.