A Halloween Carol (Mythklok Interstital)
Oct. 25th, 2011 02:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: A Halloween Carol (Mythklok Interstital)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A beloved holiday fable wanders onto my laptop and is soundly thrashed.
Warnings: 80s pop stars
Notes: I sometimes wonder about my brain. BTW, this one is COMPLETE UTTER NONSENSE in which nothing is learned and no one is changed. IOW, a lot like damn near everything else I write.
“OK, kids, smile and say 'Trick or treat!'”
Raziel's twins, by now well accustomed to the practice of the strange tall beings who dwelled around them documenting every detail of their young lives via electronic media, ceased fidgeting and instead struck awesome cool poses for Raziel's cell phone camera.
Standing in his office beside her, Charles glared down at the angelic tots. He gestured more or less in Abby's direction. “So, what is she supposed to be, under all that tulle?”
“She's a magical fairy princess!” Raziel told him.
Charles scowled and made a semi-circuit around the blue-eyed tot. “Being that she's King Wotan's kid, wouldn't she technically be a princess anyway?” he asked. He fingered the child's pair of translucent sparkly pink wings. “And, doesn't she have her own damned wings? Ow!” The latter was spoken after he felt a large jab to his knee.
“Unkysar! MADIKAL FAIWY PWINCESS!” growled Abby, wielding her sparkly magic wand.
“Abigail! What did we say? No poking with your fairy wand!” Raziel scolded, though in reality she didn't sound terribly stern about the whole thing. To Charles she said, “What can I say? When a little girl wants to be a pink princess, ain't no stopping her.”
Charles stepped out of magical princess wand-poking distance, and came to regard Abby's brother. “And what the fuck is this supposed to be?” he wondered, causing curly-haired Liam's already huge grin to grow two sizes bigger.
“He's a red devil, what does it look like?” asked Raziel, pointing towards his little devil horns.
“At least hims costumes ams accurate,” grumbled Skiwsgaar, who was leaning against Charles' desk, fingering chords.
“Demons don't look like that!” Charles pointed out. “Ow!” he added, as he jumped out of the way of a tiny devil pitchfork just a second too late.
“Kids! Quit poking Unky Sariel,” laughed Raziel. “And where's your kid?” she asked the being in question. She was soon answered by a sound not unlike a herd of stampeding buffalo, as Elias thundered into the office and growled, “ROWR!”
His cousin answered with another growl, and the two boys exchanged growls until Abby at last bonked them with her magical fairy wand.
“Abby, you want me to take that away from you?” inquired her mother.
“Noooo,” allowed the girl, suddenly cleverly hiding the offending wand behind her back, where no adult could possibly see it.
“And what is Boon supposed to be?” asked Raziel, hunkering down in order to get the absolutely cutest camera angle.
“He's not BOON!” came Nathan's booming voice from the doorway, where he stood with Toki. “He's UNDEAD ZOMBIE BOON! I did the FACE PAINT!” Nathan, costumed as a Star Wars stormtrooper, entered the office.
“And I ams sewed da costumes,” added Toki, who was dressed in a beret and horizontally striped top and also had a white-painted face.
“Sewed it?” grumbled Charles, regarding the numerous yards of unraveling seams. “Looks like you un-sewed it.”
“He has to have rips for GUTS TO HANG OUT!” Nathan pointed out, causing Charles to sigh.
“And what do zombies say?” asked Raziel, holding up her cell phone.
“BWAAAAAINS!” said all three children, even though at least two of them were in fact among the living.
“Toki, please tell me you're not going as a clown?” complained Charles.
“No, I ams da meme!” said Toki, pawing gloved hands at what appeared to be an imaginary box.
“You mean like that thing on the internet, ceiling cat is watching and you're the man now dawg?” asked Nathan.
“I think he means mime, Nathan,” Raziel explained.
“If you're a mime, shouldn't you be, you know, miming this?” asked Charles, waving his hands.
“No, I ams da speaksing meme! How would you ams understands me elseway?” asked Toki.
“Uh. Yeah.”
“Are we all ready to go?” asked Ganesh, who had also just entered.
“And what the fuck are you supposed to be?” asked Charles.
“A dead sexy vampire,” grinned Ganesh, flourishing his Bella Lugosi cape.
“You're too fucking tanned to be a vampire!”
Ganesh leaned close. “George. Hamilton.”
“OK. Point.” He peered at his husband. “Hey, are those fangs real?”
“Maybe I'll show you tonight,” offered Ganesh, batting his eyes.
“And what the fuck are YOU supposed to be, Charles?” asked Nathan, as Charles seemed to be dressed in his usual grey business suit.
“A lawyer.”
“WHAT? You're not going to get any CANDY with that ATTITUDE,” scolded Nathan.
“I fucking hate Halloween. While you guys are off being dipshits, I'm gonna catch up on some work,” Charles told them said, indicating his laptop.
“What?” sputtered several more parties.
“You can not skips Halloweens!” wailed Toki. “Ams da holidays for CANDIES!”
“Eh, he's always been a grinch,” said Raziel, donning her purple witch hat.
“WRONG HOLIDAY, RAZIEL!” said Charles.
“Yeah, let's go you guys and leave this guy to be BORING!” declared Nathan, plopping on his stormtrooper helmet, and immediately running into the doorway. Raziel caught a white plastic-wrapped arm and led him out, and the rest followed.
“Now you ams holds onto my hands,” Toki warned Elias. “Some of dems rooms ams scary!”
Charles leaned over to Skwisgaar, who was the last to leave. “You guys make sure Toki's got an extra set of pants along?”
“Ja, I ams remembered what happens last years,” sighed Skwisgaar, reluctantly getting off the desk and shuffling off after the rest of the Trick or Treaters.
Charles looked morosely after the departing group of hideously merry costumed adults and children, and then went to sit at his desk, where he immediately bent over his laptop.
Suddenly, the clock tolled midnight. Which was weird, as Charles did not have a tolling clock.
“I am the Ghost of Halloween Present.”
Charles glowered up at the handsome sandy-blond haired man now standing before his desk. “You're Huey Lewis.”
“No I'm not. I'm the Ghost of Halloween Present!” declared the figure.
Charles rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Did Pickles slip me something in my coffee again?” he sighed, picking up a mug that said in large black letters WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COFFEE.
“You wanna new drug?” inquire the Ghost of Halloween Present. Who was not Huey Lewis.
“Huey, I want you to go away before I taser you back to VH1 Presents Has Beens of the 80s.”
“You need to go with me, to learn the error of your ways! We need to change your heart and soul! I mean, uh, your heart. I am the Ghost of Halloween Present!”
“Look, you realize, the original was a pun – Christmas present – that doesn't work in this context?”
“You will be visited by three spirits!” declared not!Huey Lewis. “The spirit of Halloween Past, the spirit of Halloween Present, and the spooooooky spirit of Halloween Future!”
“Hey, is any of them that cute chick who used to be in your videos?” asked Charles.
“No. Anyway, she got fat. And anyway, I am NOT HUEY LEWIS.” And with that, the being who was not Huey Lewis disappeared.
“Jesus, Huey Lewis is an ASSHOLE,” sighed Charles.
Suddenly, the chime tolled again.
“Waitaminnit!” groused Charles. “It hasn't been a fucking hour yet! And I don't even have a chiming clock!”
“I'm the GHOST OF HALLOWEEN PRESENT! Get your ass out here we're going to go and learn some shit and it will be life changing but be gotta get a move one because there's something REALLY GOOD ON TELEVISION that I wanna watch.”
“Uh, Nathan?” asked Charles.
“Yeah, what?”
“You're the Spirit of Halloween Present?”
“What did I just say, are you SLIGHTLY STUPID?” huffed Nathan. “Now come on, we gotta get moving, come over here but DON'T TOUCH MY SLEEVE LIKE THAT, that's KIND OF GAY.” Charles withdrew his hands from Nathan's spirit robe. “We're gonna see TOUCHING SCENES OF YOUR PAST! But, not that kind of touching.”
“Wait, my childhood?” asked Charles as they magically walked through time and space. “That wasn't.... Oh!”
They had arrived in a nearly deserted classroom, where Charles looked like.... Well, he looked like Charles always looked like, only not wearing the suit. He was sitting alone at a desk, while a group of what looked like college-age kids crowded at the other end of the room gossiped and pointed at him.
“Do you remember this magical episode from the past?” Nathan asked. “Hey, chips!” he said, seeing a half empty bowl on a card table.
“Yeah, this was law school, after a Halloween party. Those kids were jerks. And that girl wouldn't sleep with me,” grumbled Charles.
One of the males broke off from the group and went to stand by Charles. The other kids pointed and laughed as the boy teased poor Charles.
“Do you remember your feelings of isolation?” asked Nathan. “Blah blah blah. HEY! Did you break his jaw?” he asked, as Charles had just decked his taunter.
“Heh. Yeah,” grinned Charles, as law school!Charles stood over the now laid out figure of the boy.
“Whoa, you were pretty badass,” approved Nathan, licking yummy Cool Ranch flavoring from his ghostly fingers.
A short girl wearing an elaborate costume suddenly showed up, or rather, just appeared out of nowhere in the room. She grinned at Charles. He held out his arm, and they both disappeared.
“What happened then, dude?” asked the Nathan of Halloween Past, chomping on Doritos.
“Oh, Raziel finally showed up, and she dragged me to some party,” said Charles. “And we both ended up flirting with the same guy, and we finally ended up starting a big fight and slipping out.” Just the wisp of a smile curled his lips. “And then we went to see a late night show of Heaven Can Wait and got kicked out of the theater for being too noisy. It was … sort of cool.”
“Dude, don't get all sentimental, it's KIND OF GAY!” warned Nathan.
“Yeah, OK,” said Charles.
“Anyway, we gotta get back, there's the NATIONAL MUD WRESTLING CHAMPIONSHIP on TV tonight!”
“Yeah OK.”
“DON'T TOUCH THE SLEEVE!”
Charles soon found himself back in his office, sitting in his same chair, irritably waiting for the noexistent clock to toll so he could be through with this shit and get back to his yummy pie chart.
“Hello again, Ghost of Huey Lewis of Halloween Present, or whatever the fuck you are.”
“We must hasten to a festive Halloween party, where you will learn the true spirit of Halloween!” urged Huey Lewis.
“Well, I hate parties and Halloween, so this should be just great,” grumbled Charles.
They didn't have to go far, as the party in question was happening in a large ballroom in Mordhaus. The vodouisants Chango and Orula were up on the stage, dressed more or less as they always dressed. They were accompanied by Skwisgaar, dressed as a troubador, who appeared to be reluctantly fingering a guitar, and Pickles, costumed as a harlequin, who was much more enthusiastically pounding his drum set.
Recording in the studio late one night
When we beheld a brutal sight
Our producer slowed down Justin Bieber
And ran it over Hatredcopter
He made a mash!
He did a metal mash
The metal mash!
It was a goregrind smash
He did a mash
YouTube hits in a flash
He did a mash
A Bieber Dethklok Mash
Baby baby baby baby, oh
Hatredcopter!
“That,” Charles told Huey Lewis, “and believe me, the competition is very stiff, but I do believe that is the worst ever Chango-Orula number.”
At this point, Murderface showed up in his very realistic Headless Horseman costume, which caused Toki to faint dead away. Ganesh went over to him and began to cheerfully attempt a revival.
Little Red Devil Liam used the occasion to poke his big brother in the butt with his little devil pitchfork, causing the guitarist to go tearing after the tot, who wisely ran and hid behind his mother.
In the corner, people were bobbing for apples. Elias had just dunked his entire head under. He came up, without an apple, but screaming with laughter, his entire head dripping wet.
“Hey, you almost got that,” Charles urged him. “Just try again!”
“He can't hear you. And besides, I thought you didn't like Halloween parties?” said Huey Lewis.
Charles just grumbled.
“Is your heart of rock and roll still beating?”
“Can we just fucking finish up here so I can get back to my paperwork?”
“I must warn you,” warned the Spirit of Huey Lewis, “if you don't learn your lesson, I must pass you on to the Ghost of Halloween Future. And he is spoooooooky!”
“What the fuck is he gonna do, show me a spider?” groused Charles. “Can't we get this shit over with?”
Huey Lewis nodded a ghostly 80s nod, and suddenly, they were in what looked like a vast wasteland.
“Welcome to … Halloween of the Future!” intoned the Spirit of Huey Lewis Present.
“That sound like a really bad ride at Disney World,” Charles cracked. He became aware of some figures huddled in the distance. “Hey! What's that, anyway? People waiting for Splash Mountain?”
But evidently this was it, as the Spirit of Huey Lewis had vanished.
Charles shrugged and approached the figures. There was something familiar about them. They all wore brightly colored costumes and wigs.
Bright blue wigs.
Bright green costumes.
Charles stopped short, suddenly realizing.
A figure turned.
“No,” he whispered.
One by one, all the figures turned to stare silently. Their faces were all painted with grotesque smiles.
Charles stepped back. “No,” he said. “No, no....”
One figure grinned. “Ch- Ch- Ch- Ch- Ch- Charles!” he said.
Charles stepped back again.
And then he noticed a very small figure.
“D- D- D- D- D-”
Charles' scream echoed through Halloweens past present and future.
He suddenly found himself back in his office.
He slapped his laptop closed, and tore out of the office, racing down the vast corridors of Mordhaus to find the grand ballroom.
“It's still going!” he said, arriving at the party. “It's still Halloween.”
“Charles!” “Sariel!” said several voices in greeting.
Ignoring them, Charles raced to the apple bobbing tub, where he grabbed his son and pulled him up.
“DADA!” giggled Elias. All the corpse paint had washed off Elias' face. He pointed to the tub. “Wapples!”
“Oh thank god you're not....” sighed Charles.
“Not what?” inquired Ganesh.
“And you're still a too tanned vampire!” said Charles.
“What the fuck is he on about?” asked Raziel.
“And you're an all too appropriate witch!”
“Hey!”
“Do I need to check you for head injuries, dear?” asked Ganesh. “I have already had to revive Toki twice tonight.”
“No! Some spirits came to me! And, they showed me the future! And everybody was.... Everybody was.... But you're not.... You're not.”
“Naw, he sounds normal to me!” said Raziel.
“Dude, are you gonna stay and PARTY now,” demanded Nathan, “or are you gonna go on being a DOUCHE?”
“Yes. I'll stay. I'll stay,” said Charles, suddenly putting down Elias and stripping off his shirt and tie. He True Formed.
“But, that's just you already,” groused Nathan. “That's a dumb costume.”
Charles grinned and snatched off Toki's beret.
“Heys,” said Toki.
Charles donned the beret. “Don't you get it?” he asked, holding out his arms.
Raziel tilted her head. “Guardian angel?” she asked.
“Oh, I do love costumes based on terrible puns!” said Ganesh.
“It's not a terrible pun,” grumped Charles.
“Dada! Wapples!” said Elias, tugging on a wing.
“Oh, you're doing OK,” Charles told him, leading the boy to the tub of apples. “You almost got it.”
“What ams I do now,” whined Toki. “He ams tooks my meme costume.”
“I dunno,” said Nathan, “maybe walk against a wind or get out of an invisible box or photoshop some My Little Pony.... Hey, wait, I know!” Nathan pointed to the stage, where Chango and Orula were just tuning up.
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around
And hurt you.....
(Well, it's going to be April Fools at some point, right?)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A beloved holiday fable wanders onto my laptop and is soundly thrashed.
Warnings: 80s pop stars
Notes: I sometimes wonder about my brain. BTW, this one is COMPLETE UTTER NONSENSE in which nothing is learned and no one is changed. IOW, a lot like damn near everything else I write.
“OK, kids, smile and say 'Trick or treat!'”
Raziel's twins, by now well accustomed to the practice of the strange tall beings who dwelled around them documenting every detail of their young lives via electronic media, ceased fidgeting and instead struck awesome cool poses for Raziel's cell phone camera.
Standing in his office beside her, Charles glared down at the angelic tots. He gestured more or less in Abby's direction. “So, what is she supposed to be, under all that tulle?”
“She's a magical fairy princess!” Raziel told him.
Charles scowled and made a semi-circuit around the blue-eyed tot. “Being that she's King Wotan's kid, wouldn't she technically be a princess anyway?” he asked. He fingered the child's pair of translucent sparkly pink wings. “And, doesn't she have her own damned wings? Ow!” The latter was spoken after he felt a large jab to his knee.
“Unkysar! MADIKAL FAIWY PWINCESS!” growled Abby, wielding her sparkly magic wand.
“Abigail! What did we say? No poking with your fairy wand!” Raziel scolded, though in reality she didn't sound terribly stern about the whole thing. To Charles she said, “What can I say? When a little girl wants to be a pink princess, ain't no stopping her.”
Charles stepped out of magical princess wand-poking distance, and came to regard Abby's brother. “And what the fuck is this supposed to be?” he wondered, causing curly-haired Liam's already huge grin to grow two sizes bigger.
“He's a red devil, what does it look like?” asked Raziel, pointing towards his little devil horns.
“At least hims costumes ams accurate,” grumbled Skiwsgaar, who was leaning against Charles' desk, fingering chords.
“Demons don't look like that!” Charles pointed out. “Ow!” he added, as he jumped out of the way of a tiny devil pitchfork just a second too late.
“Kids! Quit poking Unky Sariel,” laughed Raziel. “And where's your kid?” she asked the being in question. She was soon answered by a sound not unlike a herd of stampeding buffalo, as Elias thundered into the office and growled, “ROWR!”
His cousin answered with another growl, and the two boys exchanged growls until Abby at last bonked them with her magical fairy wand.
“Abby, you want me to take that away from you?” inquired her mother.
“Noooo,” allowed the girl, suddenly cleverly hiding the offending wand behind her back, where no adult could possibly see it.
“And what is Boon supposed to be?” asked Raziel, hunkering down in order to get the absolutely cutest camera angle.
“He's not BOON!” came Nathan's booming voice from the doorway, where he stood with Toki. “He's UNDEAD ZOMBIE BOON! I did the FACE PAINT!” Nathan, costumed as a Star Wars stormtrooper, entered the office.
“And I ams sewed da costumes,” added Toki, who was dressed in a beret and horizontally striped top and also had a white-painted face.
“Sewed it?” grumbled Charles, regarding the numerous yards of unraveling seams. “Looks like you un-sewed it.”
“He has to have rips for GUTS TO HANG OUT!” Nathan pointed out, causing Charles to sigh.
“And what do zombies say?” asked Raziel, holding up her cell phone.
“BWAAAAAINS!” said all three children, even though at least two of them were in fact among the living.
“Toki, please tell me you're not going as a clown?” complained Charles.
“No, I ams da meme!” said Toki, pawing gloved hands at what appeared to be an imaginary box.
“You mean like that thing on the internet, ceiling cat is watching and you're the man now dawg?” asked Nathan.
“I think he means mime, Nathan,” Raziel explained.
“If you're a mime, shouldn't you be, you know, miming this?” asked Charles, waving his hands.
“No, I ams da speaksing meme! How would you ams understands me elseway?” asked Toki.
“Uh. Yeah.”
“Are we all ready to go?” asked Ganesh, who had also just entered.
“And what the fuck are you supposed to be?” asked Charles.
“A dead sexy vampire,” grinned Ganesh, flourishing his Bella Lugosi cape.
“You're too fucking tanned to be a vampire!”
Ganesh leaned close. “George. Hamilton.”
“OK. Point.” He peered at his husband. “Hey, are those fangs real?”
“Maybe I'll show you tonight,” offered Ganesh, batting his eyes.
“And what the fuck are YOU supposed to be, Charles?” asked Nathan, as Charles seemed to be dressed in his usual grey business suit.
“A lawyer.”
“WHAT? You're not going to get any CANDY with that ATTITUDE,” scolded Nathan.
“I fucking hate Halloween. While you guys are off being dipshits, I'm gonna catch up on some work,” Charles told them said, indicating his laptop.
“What?” sputtered several more parties.
“You can not skips Halloweens!” wailed Toki. “Ams da holidays for CANDIES!”
“Eh, he's always been a grinch,” said Raziel, donning her purple witch hat.
“WRONG HOLIDAY, RAZIEL!” said Charles.
“Yeah, let's go you guys and leave this guy to be BORING!” declared Nathan, plopping on his stormtrooper helmet, and immediately running into the doorway. Raziel caught a white plastic-wrapped arm and led him out, and the rest followed.
“Now you ams holds onto my hands,” Toki warned Elias. “Some of dems rooms ams scary!”
Charles leaned over to Skwisgaar, who was the last to leave. “You guys make sure Toki's got an extra set of pants along?”
“Ja, I ams remembered what happens last years,” sighed Skwisgaar, reluctantly getting off the desk and shuffling off after the rest of the Trick or Treaters.
Charles looked morosely after the departing group of hideously merry costumed adults and children, and then went to sit at his desk, where he immediately bent over his laptop.
Suddenly, the clock tolled midnight. Which was weird, as Charles did not have a tolling clock.
“I am the Ghost of Halloween Present.”
Charles glowered up at the handsome sandy-blond haired man now standing before his desk. “You're Huey Lewis.”
“No I'm not. I'm the Ghost of Halloween Present!” declared the figure.
Charles rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Did Pickles slip me something in my coffee again?” he sighed, picking up a mug that said in large black letters WHERE THE FUCK IS MY COFFEE.
“You wanna new drug?” inquire the Ghost of Halloween Present. Who was not Huey Lewis.
“Huey, I want you to go away before I taser you back to VH1 Presents Has Beens of the 80s.”
“You need to go with me, to learn the error of your ways! We need to change your heart and soul! I mean, uh, your heart. I am the Ghost of Halloween Present!”
“Look, you realize, the original was a pun – Christmas present – that doesn't work in this context?”
“You will be visited by three spirits!” declared not!Huey Lewis. “The spirit of Halloween Past, the spirit of Halloween Present, and the spooooooky spirit of Halloween Future!”
“Hey, is any of them that cute chick who used to be in your videos?” asked Charles.
“No. Anyway, she got fat. And anyway, I am NOT HUEY LEWIS.” And with that, the being who was not Huey Lewis disappeared.
“Jesus, Huey Lewis is an ASSHOLE,” sighed Charles.
Suddenly, the chime tolled again.
“Waitaminnit!” groused Charles. “It hasn't been a fucking hour yet! And I don't even have a chiming clock!”
“I'm the GHOST OF HALLOWEEN PRESENT! Get your ass out here we're going to go and learn some shit and it will be life changing but be gotta get a move one because there's something REALLY GOOD ON TELEVISION that I wanna watch.”
“Uh, Nathan?” asked Charles.
“Yeah, what?”
“You're the Spirit of Halloween Present?”
“What did I just say, are you SLIGHTLY STUPID?” huffed Nathan. “Now come on, we gotta get moving, come over here but DON'T TOUCH MY SLEEVE LIKE THAT, that's KIND OF GAY.” Charles withdrew his hands from Nathan's spirit robe. “We're gonna see TOUCHING SCENES OF YOUR PAST! But, not that kind of touching.”
“Wait, my childhood?” asked Charles as they magically walked through time and space. “That wasn't.... Oh!”
They had arrived in a nearly deserted classroom, where Charles looked like.... Well, he looked like Charles always looked like, only not wearing the suit. He was sitting alone at a desk, while a group of what looked like college-age kids crowded at the other end of the room gossiped and pointed at him.
“Do you remember this magical episode from the past?” Nathan asked. “Hey, chips!” he said, seeing a half empty bowl on a card table.
“Yeah, this was law school, after a Halloween party. Those kids were jerks. And that girl wouldn't sleep with me,” grumbled Charles.
One of the males broke off from the group and went to stand by Charles. The other kids pointed and laughed as the boy teased poor Charles.
“Do you remember your feelings of isolation?” asked Nathan. “Blah blah blah. HEY! Did you break his jaw?” he asked, as Charles had just decked his taunter.
“Heh. Yeah,” grinned Charles, as law school!Charles stood over the now laid out figure of the boy.
“Whoa, you were pretty badass,” approved Nathan, licking yummy Cool Ranch flavoring from his ghostly fingers.
A short girl wearing an elaborate costume suddenly showed up, or rather, just appeared out of nowhere in the room. She grinned at Charles. He held out his arm, and they both disappeared.
“What happened then, dude?” asked the Nathan of Halloween Past, chomping on Doritos.
“Oh, Raziel finally showed up, and she dragged me to some party,” said Charles. “And we both ended up flirting with the same guy, and we finally ended up starting a big fight and slipping out.” Just the wisp of a smile curled his lips. “And then we went to see a late night show of Heaven Can Wait and got kicked out of the theater for being too noisy. It was … sort of cool.”
“Dude, don't get all sentimental, it's KIND OF GAY!” warned Nathan.
“Yeah, OK,” said Charles.
“Anyway, we gotta get back, there's the NATIONAL MUD WRESTLING CHAMPIONSHIP on TV tonight!”
“Yeah OK.”
“DON'T TOUCH THE SLEEVE!”
Charles soon found himself back in his office, sitting in his same chair, irritably waiting for the noexistent clock to toll so he could be through with this shit and get back to his yummy pie chart.
“Hello again, Ghost of Huey Lewis of Halloween Present, or whatever the fuck you are.”
“We must hasten to a festive Halloween party, where you will learn the true spirit of Halloween!” urged Huey Lewis.
“Well, I hate parties and Halloween, so this should be just great,” grumbled Charles.
They didn't have to go far, as the party in question was happening in a large ballroom in Mordhaus. The vodouisants Chango and Orula were up on the stage, dressed more or less as they always dressed. They were accompanied by Skwisgaar, dressed as a troubador, who appeared to be reluctantly fingering a guitar, and Pickles, costumed as a harlequin, who was much more enthusiastically pounding his drum set.
Recording in the studio late one night
When we beheld a brutal sight
Our producer slowed down Justin Bieber
And ran it over Hatredcopter
He made a mash!
He did a metal mash
The metal mash!
It was a goregrind smash
He did a mash
YouTube hits in a flash
He did a mash
A Bieber Dethklok Mash
Baby baby baby baby, oh
Hatredcopter!
“That,” Charles told Huey Lewis, “and believe me, the competition is very stiff, but I do believe that is the worst ever Chango-Orula number.”
At this point, Murderface showed up in his very realistic Headless Horseman costume, which caused Toki to faint dead away. Ganesh went over to him and began to cheerfully attempt a revival.
Little Red Devil Liam used the occasion to poke his big brother in the butt with his little devil pitchfork, causing the guitarist to go tearing after the tot, who wisely ran and hid behind his mother.
In the corner, people were bobbing for apples. Elias had just dunked his entire head under. He came up, without an apple, but screaming with laughter, his entire head dripping wet.
“Hey, you almost got that,” Charles urged him. “Just try again!”
“He can't hear you. And besides, I thought you didn't like Halloween parties?” said Huey Lewis.
Charles just grumbled.
“Is your heart of rock and roll still beating?”
“Can we just fucking finish up here so I can get back to my paperwork?”
“I must warn you,” warned the Spirit of Huey Lewis, “if you don't learn your lesson, I must pass you on to the Ghost of Halloween Future. And he is spoooooooky!”
“What the fuck is he gonna do, show me a spider?” groused Charles. “Can't we get this shit over with?”
Huey Lewis nodded a ghostly 80s nod, and suddenly, they were in what looked like a vast wasteland.
“Welcome to … Halloween of the Future!” intoned the Spirit of Huey Lewis Present.
“That sound like a really bad ride at Disney World,” Charles cracked. He became aware of some figures huddled in the distance. “Hey! What's that, anyway? People waiting for Splash Mountain?”
But evidently this was it, as the Spirit of Huey Lewis had vanished.
Charles shrugged and approached the figures. There was something familiar about them. They all wore brightly colored costumes and wigs.
Bright blue wigs.
Bright green costumes.
Charles stopped short, suddenly realizing.
A figure turned.
“No,” he whispered.
One by one, all the figures turned to stare silently. Their faces were all painted with grotesque smiles.
Charles stepped back. “No,” he said. “No, no....”
One figure grinned. “Ch- Ch- Ch- Ch- Ch- Charles!” he said.
Charles stepped back again.
And then he noticed a very small figure.
“D- D- D- D- D-”
Charles' scream echoed through Halloweens past present and future.
He suddenly found himself back in his office.
He slapped his laptop closed, and tore out of the office, racing down the vast corridors of Mordhaus to find the grand ballroom.
“It's still going!” he said, arriving at the party. “It's still Halloween.”
“Charles!” “Sariel!” said several voices in greeting.
Ignoring them, Charles raced to the apple bobbing tub, where he grabbed his son and pulled him up.
“DADA!” giggled Elias. All the corpse paint had washed off Elias' face. He pointed to the tub. “Wapples!”
“Oh thank god you're not....” sighed Charles.
“Not what?” inquired Ganesh.
“And you're still a too tanned vampire!” said Charles.
“What the fuck is he on about?” asked Raziel.
“And you're an all too appropriate witch!”
“Hey!”
“Do I need to check you for head injuries, dear?” asked Ganesh. “I have already had to revive Toki twice tonight.”
“No! Some spirits came to me! And, they showed me the future! And everybody was.... Everybody was.... But you're not.... You're not.”
“Naw, he sounds normal to me!” said Raziel.
“Dude, are you gonna stay and PARTY now,” demanded Nathan, “or are you gonna go on being a DOUCHE?”
“Yes. I'll stay. I'll stay,” said Charles, suddenly putting down Elias and stripping off his shirt and tie. He True Formed.
“But, that's just you already,” groused Nathan. “That's a dumb costume.”
Charles grinned and snatched off Toki's beret.
“Heys,” said Toki.
Charles donned the beret. “Don't you get it?” he asked, holding out his arms.
Raziel tilted her head. “Guardian angel?” she asked.
“Oh, I do love costumes based on terrible puns!” said Ganesh.
“It's not a terrible pun,” grumped Charles.
“Dada! Wapples!” said Elias, tugging on a wing.
“Oh, you're doing OK,” Charles told him, leading the boy to the tub of apples. “You almost got it.”
“What ams I do now,” whined Toki. “He ams tooks my meme costume.”
“I dunno,” said Nathan, “maybe walk against a wind or get out of an invisible box or photoshop some My Little Pony.... Hey, wait, I know!” Nathan pointed to the stage, where Chango and Orula were just tuning up.
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around
And hurt you.....
(Well, it's going to be April Fools at some point, right?)
