![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tikificTitle: Nathan Explosion’s My Awesome Metal Life of Metal, Chapter 1
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A chapter of Nathan’s new audiobook has leaked out
Warnings: Lots and lots o’ swearing. Also, this is very brutal.
Notes: So, this is top secret, but my spies have managed to unearth tapes with the first chapter of Nathan Explosion's upcoming new audio book. This chapter had a Halloween theme, so I thought I would share it here.
NOTE:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
late_totheparty made arts: Charles and Pickles & Nathan.
Nathan Explosion’s MY AWESOME METAL LIFE OF METAL
Is this thing on?
This is NATHAN EXPLOSION, and this is the brutal AUDIO BOOK of my AWESOME AUTOBIOGRAPY, NATHAN EXPLOSION’S MY AWESOME METAL LIFE OF METAL!
What? Pickles, why don’t you fucking press record then? Douche bag.
I’m going to read you my FIRST STORY. IT IS VERY BRUTAL, so make sure there are no OLD LADIES in your car. Or maybe give their phone numbers to my band mate, Skwisgaar, hahahaha! Hey, old ladies, no offense.
SHUT UP PICKLES I’M FUCKING READING! No, I’m not gonna keep to the book. This is my fucking story, isn’t it? And I’m gonna tell it in all its BRUTALITY.
So, we’re at a band meeting. Yeah, I know, meetings lack brutality. Especially our meetings. Which are FUCKING BORING YOU WANT TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEE. Which, I guess, is brutal in it’s non-brutality. And our manager is going, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blady blah,” which is what he says EVERY FUCKING MEETING. Seriously, dude is out of his fucking mind. Think maybe it all went UP HIS NOSE back in the 80s, know what I’m sayin’? Swear to god, the dude is bent, but he does all the fucking BORING SHIT, so we are free to take care of IMPORTANT SHIT. Like, strip bars. And, you know, stuff.
So we’re all listening to “Blah blah fucking blah.” Which is when I ask, “TOKI, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING?” I swear, that guy sometimes. And he’s like, “I is ams was doings MACRAME.” Like a stupid SWEDISH DOUCHE BAG?
What Pickles? He’s from fucking NORWAY? How am I supposed to keep that shit straight. And how am I supposed to finish my BRUTAL STORY if you keep FUCKING INTERRUPTING?
So, anyway, it’s fucking HALLOWEEN, which as we all know is Earth’s MOST BRUTAL HOLIDAY. Well, except for Christmas because you have to spend it with your fucking relatives and wear those retard sweaters that look like something Toki knit you back when he is ams was weres a boy in fucking Switzerland. SHUT UP PICKLES I DON’T CARE.
And I said, Toki, if you want a fucking hobby, why don’t you try something TOTALLY BRUTAL like NECROMANCY. That’s MY BRUTAL HOBBY. And suddenly the manager is all, “Nathan, blah blah blah, what do you know about the FUCKING DEMON IN THE GARDEN?” And I’m all, “I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT’S WHY WE HIRED YOU TO DO THE STUPID SHIT LIKE TAX RETURNS AND KILLING DEMONS.”
So he’s all, blah blah blah, the demon is eating Klokateers. And I’m like, why do we pay these losers for if they’re just going to lie around and get EATEN BY DEMONS! Lazy bastards. Yeah, you’re right Pickles, WHERE’S OUR FUCKING FRENCH TOAST?
Where the fuck was I anyway? Let’s see, boring boring boring boring..... I’m gonna skip ahead a couple pages to the BRUTAL PART. So we’re down in the garden facing the BRUTAL DEMON FROM HELL…. Oh, cool, French toast.
So, we’re out in the garden and the demon is gonna kill us, and our manager is like, Nathan the demon is gonna kill us, blah blah blah. And I’m like, OF COURSE THE FUCKING DEMON IS GONNA KILL US, DUH, TELL ME AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE PAYING YOU FOR?
And he takes out this little fucking sword, and I’m like, DUDE, WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING A FUCKING MACHINE GUN OR SOMETHING TOTALLY BRUTAL? I swear to god whatever we’re paying him is too fucking much, you think he could at least get a rocket launcher. So, anyway, he says something to his sword – yeah, I told you the guy is fucking out of his mind, he talks to his fucking sword – and it FUCKING BURSTS INTO FLAMES! Seriously, it’s one of the most metal things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some pretty fucking metal things. Like the time-
Yeah, Pickles? Of course I’m going to finish the FUCKING STORY! It’s my VERY BRUTAL STORY. How can you run out of tape? Do you even fucking use tape any more? I thought we were recording this IN PURE ACID? What? The acid started soaking through the FLOOR? Hey, that’s actually pretty brutal!
Anyway, where was I? When you annoy me, I LOSE MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT! So, he’s got the fucking FLAMING SWORD, and the douche bag turns around and runs it through the brick wall. I’m like, what the fuck? Are we fighting a goddam demon, or the FUCKING BRICK WALL? So, I’m like, “CHARLES, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, you FUCKING DOUCH BAG?” But I can’t hear what he’s saying, ‘cause suddenly there’s this totally BRUTAL WIND FROM HELL.
Hey, Brutal Wind from Hell, have we used that for a song title yet? Snakes and Barrels? I don’t care what you did in that FUCKING GAY GROUP. Oh yeah? Fuck you too!
And then the demon comes running up, and the guy fucking KICKS IT IN THE ASS! Right through the hole in the wall. Only, it’s kind of fat like Murderface, so it sort of gets stuck halfway and we have to give it a couple more kicks to get it all the way through, but finally it comes unstuck and WHOOSH it’s gone BACK TO HELL!
Metal.
Oh, and, the sword is still on fire, so our crazy ass manager takes out a cigar and LIGHTS IT ON THE FLAMING SWORD. It is seriously metal, so I make him gimme a cigar too, and he’s pissed off, because he hates us taking his good cigars, but I have to light one off the goddam flaming sword. And then of course he FUCKING ASKS whether lighting cigars off a flaming sword is metal, and I have to tell him, any time he fucking ASKS about whether something is METAL it is automatically NON-METAL AND LAME! Geez.
So, then he starts looking all pissed off, so I give him a friendly pat on the back, like good job. Well, he fucking pitches forward and starts coughing! I grab him by the collar and stand him up and I’m like, dude, TOLD YOU YOU FUCKING SMOKE TOO MUCH. Dumb ass.
Yeah, Pickles, I’m almost done with my BRUTAL STORY. Why, what the fuck do you have to rush off to? What, there’s a new STRIP BAR opening on Sunset? WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME, I’m here like some DOUCHE BAG doing my audio book when I could be SNORTING COKE WITH STRIPPERS! You get the others, I’ll go get our FUCKING MANAGER, that dude definitely needs to mellow out. LET’S GO DUDE!
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A chapter of Nathan’s new audiobook has leaked out
Warnings: Lots and lots o’ swearing. Also, this is very brutal.
Notes: So, this is top secret, but my spies have managed to unearth tapes with the first chapter of Nathan Explosion's upcoming new audio book. This chapter had a Halloween theme, so I thought I would share it here.
NOTE:
late_totheparty made arts: Charles and Pickles & Nathan.Nathan Explosion’s MY AWESOME METAL LIFE OF METAL
Is this thing on?
This is NATHAN EXPLOSION, and this is the brutal AUDIO BOOK of my AWESOME AUTOBIOGRAPY, NATHAN EXPLOSION’S MY AWESOME METAL LIFE OF METAL!
What? Pickles, why don’t you fucking press record then? Douche bag.
I’m going to read you my FIRST STORY. IT IS VERY BRUTAL, so make sure there are no OLD LADIES in your car. Or maybe give their phone numbers to my band mate, Skwisgaar, hahahaha! Hey, old ladies, no offense.
SHUT UP PICKLES I’M FUCKING READING! No, I’m not gonna keep to the book. This is my fucking story, isn’t it? And I’m gonna tell it in all its BRUTALITY.
So, we’re at a band meeting. Yeah, I know, meetings lack brutality. Especially our meetings. Which are FUCKING BORING YOU WANT TO DIIIIIIIIEEEEE. Which, I guess, is brutal in it’s non-brutality. And our manager is going, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blady blah,” which is what he says EVERY FUCKING MEETING. Seriously, dude is out of his fucking mind. Think maybe it all went UP HIS NOSE back in the 80s, know what I’m sayin’? Swear to god, the dude is bent, but he does all the fucking BORING SHIT, so we are free to take care of IMPORTANT SHIT. Like, strip bars. And, you know, stuff.
So we’re all listening to “Blah blah fucking blah.” Which is when I ask, “TOKI, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING?” I swear, that guy sometimes. And he’s like, “I is ams was doings MACRAME.” Like a stupid SWEDISH DOUCHE BAG?
What Pickles? He’s from fucking NORWAY? How am I supposed to keep that shit straight. And how am I supposed to finish my BRUTAL STORY if you keep FUCKING INTERRUPTING?
So, anyway, it’s fucking HALLOWEEN, which as we all know is Earth’s MOST BRUTAL HOLIDAY. Well, except for Christmas because you have to spend it with your fucking relatives and wear those retard sweaters that look like something Toki knit you back when he is ams was weres a boy in fucking Switzerland. SHUT UP PICKLES I DON’T CARE.
And I said, Toki, if you want a fucking hobby, why don’t you try something TOTALLY BRUTAL like NECROMANCY. That’s MY BRUTAL HOBBY. And suddenly the manager is all, “Nathan, blah blah blah, what do you know about the FUCKING DEMON IN THE GARDEN?” And I’m all, “I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT’S WHY WE HIRED YOU TO DO THE STUPID SHIT LIKE TAX RETURNS AND KILLING DEMONS.”
So he’s all, blah blah blah, the demon is eating Klokateers. And I’m like, why do we pay these losers for if they’re just going to lie around and get EATEN BY DEMONS! Lazy bastards. Yeah, you’re right Pickles, WHERE’S OUR FUCKING FRENCH TOAST?
Where the fuck was I anyway? Let’s see, boring boring boring boring..... I’m gonna skip ahead a couple pages to the BRUTAL PART. So we’re down in the garden facing the BRUTAL DEMON FROM HELL…. Oh, cool, French toast.
So, we’re out in the garden and the demon is gonna kill us, and our manager is like, Nathan the demon is gonna kill us, blah blah blah. And I’m like, OF COURSE THE FUCKING DEMON IS GONNA KILL US, DUH, TELL ME AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE PAYING YOU FOR?
And he takes out this little fucking sword, and I’m like, DUDE, WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING A FUCKING MACHINE GUN OR SOMETHING TOTALLY BRUTAL? I swear to god whatever we’re paying him is too fucking much, you think he could at least get a rocket launcher. So, anyway, he says something to his sword – yeah, I told you the guy is fucking out of his mind, he talks to his fucking sword – and it FUCKING BURSTS INTO FLAMES! Seriously, it’s one of the most metal things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some pretty fucking metal things. Like the time-
Yeah, Pickles? Of course I’m going to finish the FUCKING STORY! It’s my VERY BRUTAL STORY. How can you run out of tape? Do you even fucking use tape any more? I thought we were recording this IN PURE ACID? What? The acid started soaking through the FLOOR? Hey, that’s actually pretty brutal!
Anyway, where was I? When you annoy me, I LOSE MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT! So, he’s got the fucking FLAMING SWORD, and the douche bag turns around and runs it through the brick wall. I’m like, what the fuck? Are we fighting a goddam demon, or the FUCKING BRICK WALL? So, I’m like, “CHARLES, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, you FUCKING DOUCH BAG?” But I can’t hear what he’s saying, ‘cause suddenly there’s this totally BRUTAL WIND FROM HELL.
Hey, Brutal Wind from Hell, have we used that for a song title yet? Snakes and Barrels? I don’t care what you did in that FUCKING GAY GROUP. Oh yeah? Fuck you too!
And then the demon comes running up, and the guy fucking KICKS IT IN THE ASS! Right through the hole in the wall. Only, it’s kind of fat like Murderface, so it sort of gets stuck halfway and we have to give it a couple more kicks to get it all the way through, but finally it comes unstuck and WHOOSH it’s gone BACK TO HELL!
Metal.
Oh, and, the sword is still on fire, so our crazy ass manager takes out a cigar and LIGHTS IT ON THE FLAMING SWORD. It is seriously metal, so I make him gimme a cigar too, and he’s pissed off, because he hates us taking his good cigars, but I have to light one off the goddam flaming sword. And then of course he FUCKING ASKS whether lighting cigars off a flaming sword is metal, and I have to tell him, any time he fucking ASKS about whether something is METAL it is automatically NON-METAL AND LAME! Geez.
So, then he starts looking all pissed off, so I give him a friendly pat on the back, like good job. Well, he fucking pitches forward and starts coughing! I grab him by the collar and stand him up and I’m like, dude, TOLD YOU YOU FUCKING SMOKE TOO MUCH. Dumb ass.
Yeah, Pickles, I’m almost done with my BRUTAL STORY. Why, what the fuck do you have to rush off to? What, there’s a new STRIP BAR opening on Sunset? WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME, I’m here like some DOUCHE BAG doing my audio book when I could be SNORTING COKE WITH STRIPPERS! You get the others, I’ll go get our FUCKING MANAGER, that dude definitely needs to mellow out. LET’S GO DUDE!
