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Title: Giant Robot (Mythklok, Chapter 44)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Child care and toys
Warnings: Slash, AU, OCs, swearing
Notes: Notes after the jump.

Mythklok is a Metalocalypse AU. If you're behind and for some strange reason wanna catch up, the best place is my fic journal, [personal profile] tikific, where you are welcome to come visit the bits I’ve written and maybe poke them with a pointed stick. I've also written a general introduction in case you wanna jump in the middle of things, or have forgotten all this stuff due to Real Life.

Just lately: babies, babies, everywhere! Aww! The one in Australia seems to have some nasty attributes, though. Ick.

Great Brahma's garden.....

It was no surprise, really, that Auntie's house smelled of baked goods.

Throughout his entire existence, Ganesh couldn't remember ever entering this residence before, despite memories of innumerable awkward Sunday dinners in the company of Uncle Brahma and Auntie Sarasvati during his childhood. Uncle Brahma was so proud of his garden. Proud? The old ponce was obsessed with the bloody thing. As if no one had ever grown a fucking sacred lotus before!

But Auntie had requested that this dinner take place inside, so as not to risk "little jaanu" catching a chill. Ganesh had no idea if she was referring to his baby or his boyfriend. She had been rather off her rocker over Sariel the moment she laid eyes on the angel. Sariel was one of the most scheming men in the history of earth, as Ganesh would himself admit, yet Sarasvati seemed to regard him as some sort of keening chick who needed to be stuffed with rhubarb pie and cooed over. The oddest thing was how readily - no bloody enthusiastically - Sariel put up with this treatment.

Well, he reminded himself again, better to suffer this than its opposite. Which was what he needed to talk to Uncle about tonight. He sighed. Appealing to Brahma of all people really showed the depths of his desperation. For a most cautious, contemplative man, he had gone and done something terribly intemperate, and now he risked an irreparable rift within his own family.

He looked down at Elias, on Sariel's hip. His son looked up at him and blinked, and Ganesh smiled. And then Elias flapped his tiny wings, and Ganesh felt the headache come on.

Then he heard the harrumphing. Brahma and Sarasvati were here.

"Oh is this the newest addition?" Sarasvati immediately inquired. She seized Elias in her many arms and rocked him. "Are you the cutest little thing? Oh, Brahma, isn't he the cutest little thing?" Brahma harrumphed, but Sarasvati was already holding him up next to Brahma. "Oh! I'd say there's a family resemblance! Yes there is! I'd say he's the spit and image of his Uncle Brahma!"

Ganesh found he suddenly wanted to embrace Auntie Sarasvati with each and every arm. For his part, baby Elias managed a terribly appealing gurgle. Sariel had started to say something, but that was quickly stifled by a rather sharp kick to his ankle.

"Well, now that you mention it! Yes, the lad does rather take after our side, doesn't he?" Uncle Brahma puffed out his chest. He did somewhat resemble a baby, if the baby in question were six and a half feet tall, colored red and currently manifesting three pairs of arms.

"You've been too modest to Name one Brahma, haven't you?" Ganesh heard himself saying. His uncle was now looking as if he might implode from sheer egotism.

“The spit and image!" Sarasvati repeated. "Do you want some num nums before din din, little jaanu?” she asked. Sariel nodded enthusiastically. As before, Ganesh had no idea whether she was referring to baby or boyfriend, but they both ended up following the goddess off to her kitchen.

"I need to talk to you about the Naming, Uncle,” Ganesh ventured.

"Well, now, I can find him a Name," Brahma huffed, "but it's not clear the others will accept him.”

“My father has accepted Sariel into the family.”

“There’s talk regarding your father’s state of mind when that happened.”

“Was it so much different from my father’s usual state of mind?” Ganesh grumbled, lighting a thin cigarette.

“The man lost two sons within a month. You are a father now. Do you judge him?”

Ganesh did not reply, but irritably puffed on his cigarette. Finally, he shrugged. “Everybody knows about Sariel. I did not feel it was still an issue.”

“Ganesha, you could be fucking a goat and none of those ninnies would care. As long as you keep making us money. And you’ve always excelled at that,” Brahma declared, waving his Financial Times. “But that doesn’t mean they’re going to invite the goat to their dinner parties. Nor accept a bunch of little satyrs running around calling themselves Lords of Destruction.”

“My son, a satyr?”

“You are entangling our bloodlines with the angels.”

“Angels being presumably less desirable than the two bit whores Skanda used to impregnate?”

“Those were good Aryan two bit whores.”

Ganesh glowered.

“Don’t pretend we’re all like you. This was unexpected. The Creator having a hand like that-“

“I asked this of the Creator! I used Sariel’s boon.”

“It’s seen as messing in our affairs. No one trusts the Creator. I don't trust that old hack!"

"Lady Raziel has threatened him with a rather unpleasant, painful death should anything untoward happen."

Brahma howled with laughter. "She did, did she? Well, that one is a spitfire! That's what I told Wotan, you know! That girl's a spitfire!"

"Spitfire or not, my father...."

"Lad, your father's not the one who worries me."

Ganesh frowned.

“I’ve done what I can lad, Naming Wotan’s two like that.”

Ganesh stubbed out his cigarette and regarded Uncle Brahma. The old man looked … shrewd. “Naming Wotan’s children. That wasn’t a grand whim about Auntie and her pies at all, was it? You did that deliberately.”

“You’ve always regarded me as a thick old ponce. Can’t say as I gave a flying fuck when you were younger. Can’t say as I give a fuck now. But you’ve shown a bit of depth of late. You might be able to see this pantheon through.”

“Through what exactly?”

"What's to come. Dinner should be ready. Want to come find Auntie before that angel of yours sees us out of pies?"

Ganesh followed his uncle along through the residence. They came at last to the warm and cosy kitchen. It smelled absolutely delicious.

Ganesh frowned.

"Auntie, are you feeding him dessert before his supper? You'll ruin his appetite!" Ganesh scolded.

Sariel looked up guiltily, his mouth absolutely crammed with peach pie. "Ah'm j'st tastin' i'," he smacked.

Elias, cradled in two of Sarasvati's arms, fluttered his tiny wings with glee.


"The Angel Acceptance Alliance?" Sariel juggled the phone in one hand and a kid in the other, wishing, not for the first time, that he had mastered Ganesh's "pull out as many arms as you need" trick. "Uh, how did you get this number? Of course you do good, uh, work. Of course I support your goals. It's just.... Look. I've said all I have to say on this subject. I am not a spokesperson."

Sariel sighed. Do-gooders! How he hated them. And he was trying to keep his voice low and even, so as not to further piss off his kid (who seemed momentarily soothed) and not to piss off the charity guys, who might be buyers of Deth merch.

He was sitting in his office, True Formed.

What had happened was this: it was Kamuel (who was quickly becoming known by the nickname St. Kam) the tutor’s night off the previous evening. However, for whatever elusive reason known only to infants, Baby Elias had bedded down to sleep with rare cooperation. The fathers, therefore, had decided to make good use of their evening, and thus, Charles had ended up drifting off to sleep in his winged Sariel Form.

He had gotten up in the middle of the night to grab a snack, and just didn't bother to Court Form, as he often found it bothersome. And, truth be told, it was his damned house. There had certainly been weirder stuff going on in Mordhaus than a guy with wings padding around munching on a slice of strawberry rhubarb.

But then Elias started acting fussy for whatever the fuck reason babies are fussy (possibly to cause nervous breakdown, who knew?) and the boy seemed to like having the wings out, so Charles had just sort of stayed Sariel and gotten the kid a bottle of whatever organic fair trade cruelty free gamish Ganesh and Raziel were feeding him this week, and went to sit in his office, because then they wouldn't also keep Ganesh awake all night, but then he’d gotten a phone call, and started to wish he was Ganesh and could do the arm thing.

“Look, I gotta go, my kid is acting up. What? Yeah, I have a kid. With my, er, partner. We sort of…. We sort of adopted him, yeah I guess you could say that. What? NO! Absolutely not! Absolutely, positively…. I would guard his privacy with my very being! No, and do not even mention this conversation happened, because it most assuredly did not! Look, I gotta go."

“So you’re good watching Abby?” Raziel asked, suddenly appearing in the office.

“I… Uh… Oh, yeah, I promised, didn’t I?”

Raziel waved her hand and a playpen appeared. She plunked Abby down into it. “You’ll play nice for your Unky Sariel won’t you?”

“Don’t call me…” Sariel sighed.

Raziel grabbed Elias from his arms and plopped him in the playpen next to her daughter. “There you go Boon, spend some quality time with your girlfriend!”

“He’s not… She’s not…” Sariel started.

“I’ll be back in an hour or so!” Raziel sang.

“Yeah. OK.” Sariel quickly became absorbed in another phone call.

Elias batted his lovely eyes at a smitten Abby. She rattled her little baby rattle at him.

The rattle produced little rainbow colored clouds, which floated gently until they popped.

Elias grabbed the rattle and went “Blarrrrgh.”

He let it go.

It floated.

Abby’s cornflower blue eyes were wide as windowpanes.

It started to float upwards, now two babies mesmerized. Abby reached, but it had floated up out of their reach. Up, up towards the ceiling.

Where it was caught by a rather large god.

"Showing off for your intended, eh? Flirtatious little sod, aren't you?"

“Wotan?” asked Sariel, suddenly turning around in his chair and looking up from the phone.

“Just swapping out twins, lad, no need to get up,” the god told him, courteously handing the rattle off to Abby. He placed curly-haired Liam in the playpen, and grabbed up Abby. “Now, you two try not to get into too much mischief!” he sternly told the boys, who both looked terribly innocent. “I’ll be back in a trice!” he told Sariel, disappearing.

“What the hell is a trice?” wondered Sariel. He shrugged and went back to his phone call.

Elias and Liam looked at each other. “Waargh!” said Liam.

“Rrrungle!” Elias told him.

As if by signal, they both put their chubby hands to one wall of the playpen.

Which disappeared.

They exchanged a gleeful glance, and made a run for it. Or rather, a crawl for it.

Liam suddenly looked up, annoyed, as his progress was stalled by a very familiar Valentino boot.

“Tsk. Unky Sariel doesn’t want you running around Mordhaus. You could damage something!” Raziel told him.

“What?” asked Sariel, looking up from his phone call. “Wait. Why does the playpen…?”

“Sorry, forgot to angel baby-proof this playpen,” Raziel told him, waving her hand at it. “It’s OK, Ganesh gave me a good spell.” She shooed Elias back into his holding cell and plopped Abby once more down beside him. “Try not to get into too much more trouble,” she told the babies, hefting Liam. “Your Unky Sariel is trying to work!”

“Don’t call me….” But Raziel had already disappeared.

Sariel regarded the children suspiciously. “You heard her!” he said. Then he went back to his telephone.

Back in the now angel-proofed playpen, Abby batted her blue eyes at Elias.

Elias fluttered his tiny wings. Then he gave a more determined round of flapping, and rose. And flapped. And rose. In all, he rose six feet off the ground.

He landed, triumphant look on his chubby face.

Abby suddenly got a look of determination. She scowled with extra baby fury.

And popped two little dark wings out of her designer baby duds.

She then extended the wings, and, flapping furiously, lofted herself a good seven feet up.

She returned to the bassinet, red-faced and huffing.

Elias fluttered his beautiful eyes, and then seemed to be concentrating.

Quite suddenly, his own wings folded in. They were quickly replaced with an extra set of tiny arms, which he flexed.

Abby gawped and lunged at him.

Sariel looked up from the phone at Abby's tiny squeal of delight. "Can you hang on?" he asked. He walked over to the bassinet. He gawped himself.

He clicked to a different line on his phone.

"Uhhhh. Ganesh? He's learned how to put his wings away."

Ganesh held a tape measure to Abby's wings. She giggled. He tickled her under the chin and got more giggles.

"Well, I guess I need to borrow back some liquid detergent,” Raziel was saying. “And maybe find onesies with wing holes,” she noted, putting a finger through Abby’s ripped clothing.

Sariel was learning an important new lesson: it is nigh impossible to secure ones eyeglasses from a four armed baby. "Boon! No!"

"It's really amazing!" Ganesh gushed. "They are nearly identically developed to Elias's wings, and yet you have not seen her manifest them prior to this?"

"Nope. And Nephthys hasn't said anything."

"Would Nephthys notice over her headphones and the gossip mags?" Sariel grumbled, ineptly snatching at his eyeglasses.

"Do you think Liam will manifest?" Raziel asked.

"Have him play with our kid. You are a bad influence!" he told an apparently oblivious Elias.

Elias happily waved Sariel's eyeglasses at him.

As if by more magic, Dethklok suddenly appeared in his office doorway, in the persons of Nathan and Skwisgaar.

Nathan stared, fascinated. He stormed in and grabbed Elias away from Charles. "Oh my god Charles you have the most FUCKING AWESOME baby ever." He turned the delightedly squealing baby over and upside down. "Seriously. Where did the wings go?"

"Presumably same place mine go, Nathan," Charles explained, giving his own wing an annoyed rattle.

"Does he have horns and shit?"

"Blaglah!" Elias explained.

"No, Nathan, as I've explained to you, I am not a demon...."

"My father has a horned incarnation. This is indeed a possibility!" Ganesh told him.

“You dad…. Shiva has horns?” Sariel stuttered.

“I guess that’s one thing couples just never discuss, horned incarnations!” Raziel grinned, to a particularly poisonous scowl from Sariel. Ganesh and Nathan were now eagerly inspecting Elias’s forehead for evidence.

“You guys want us to take him this afternoon?” Raziel asked.

“Yes, that would actually be an interesting experiment!” Ganesh averred, expertly grabbing Elias from Nathan and liberating Sariel’s eyeglasses. “Your specs, dear,” he laughed.

“Raziel,” Sariel asked, trying to work out exactly what was smudged on his eyeglasses. “Exactly how much magic can your kids do at this point?”

“Mostly mine have been doing little things, to entertain themselves. But I think you’re right, Boon is a bad influence. Not surprising, as he’s related to you.”

She grinned and, along with Ganesh and the magical babies, disappeared.

“Babies are AWESOME!” Nathan cheered. “I didn’t realize they had horns and shit! Do you think he’ll get a tail?”

“Pfffft,” opined Skwisgaar.

Sariel sighed deeply. “Is there something you boys needed to discuss?”

"So, dude,” Nathan blustered, “It's Phanuel.”

"He ams Raziel's dad,” Skwisgaar muttered.

“Yeah. I know who Phanuel is,” Sariel grumbled.


"He wants us to do a concert IN HELL."

"In... Do you think that's a good...." Sariel began.

“Anyway, we already arranged a date…” Nathan began.

“You. Did. What?”

“Dude. Wings!” Nathan warned, pointing to Sariel’s fully outstretched wingspan. Sariel reluctantly lowered his wings, but did not lower his piercing stare.

“You know not to…. We’ve talked about this!”

“We didn’t wanna bother you because you’re all busy with your freaky baby thing and shit,” Nathan told him.

“How does Phanuel propose to pay us?” Sariel demanded.


“It ams be da tax destructions," Skwisgaar helpfully explained.

“Yeah, you’ll figure out how to deduct it from some schedule or something.”

“How are we supposed to get a tax deduction when we’re not making any money?” Sariel fumed.

“Wings!” warned Nathan.

Sariel irritably furled his wings.

“It’ll be cool. Dick Knubber and Murderface are already down there setting up for the LIVE ALBUM!” Nathan bragged.

“Would it make any difference at all for me to point out the last time we were in Hell…”

“Da Underworlds. Dey ams rebrandsing.”

“Last time we were in the Underworld, we barely made it out alive?”

“No, that probably wouldn’t make any difference,” Nathan admitted. “That probably wouldn’t make any difference at all.”

“Doods!” Pickles shouted. “You might wanna look at dis.”

The group from the office made their way to the media room where scenes of wanton destruction and carnage played over the many viewscreens.

“And we didn’t do this?” Sariel commented. “Well, that’s something.” And then footage of giant angels appeared.

“They fucked up Tokyo Tower AGAIN!” Nathan growled. “Seriously, someone needs to get those guys.”

“Could you turn on the sound, Pickles?” Sariel sighed.

“….Yes, Dan, Tokyo’s Shibuya, Akihabara, Ginza and other shopping districts stand devastated tonight as the Outback Angels staged a terrifying raid on area toy stores.”

“Outback angelsch? Schounds like a place to get food poischoning,” said Murderface.

“On, what Connie?” came Dan’s voice.

“Dood. On what?” exclaimed Pickles.

“Toy stores, Dan. The terrible angels…”

“Oh, now that’s just prejudiced,” Sariel grumbled.

“…have ransacked the district for every robot toy, every Transformer, every Gundam, every Godaikin, every Soul of Chogokin, every Popy, every Mazinger Z, every Grandizer, every Brave Raideen, every Tetsujin 28-go, every Gekiganger. A generation of Japanese children are all alone tonight without their giant robot pals.”

“No giant robots pals?” Toki squeaked.

Pickles kicked a foot pedal, and the sound was muted again.

“That’s just…. Really fucking weird,” Sariel muttered.

“Dood,” Pickles said. “Set’s got a kid. Do you t’ink…?”

“For the baby?” Sariel asked.

“If dat’s what you could call dat t’ing…”

“You know what I was thinking?” Nathan asked.

“Yes, Nathan?” Sariel asked.

“We all need babies. Because babies are awesome!”

Sariel pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nathan… All of you guys…. Look. Not my kid, OK? Just…. No.”

“What about your kid?” Nathan asked.

“Dood, don’t be a douche,” Pickles explained.

“How was I being a douche? I wasn’t being a douche,” Nathan protested.

“You ams kinds of being a douche.”

“I just said your kid was AWESOME!”

“Nathan! You were looking for horns earlier!” Sariel protested.

“So was Ganesh!” Nathan told him.

“Well… Yeah….” Sariel pushed up his eyeglasses and then crossed his arms over his chest. Nathan grinned. He looked like Charles. Even though he was the angel guy standing there in baggy pajama pants because he still hadn’t found a minute to go change. He was Charles. Like a silver, half-naked, feathery Charles. But Charles. Nathan wasn't exactly sure why it made him happy. It just did.

“Dude?” Nathan asked.


“You like him, right? The baby dude?”

Sariel immediately looked down at something mighty interesting on the floor. He shrugged. He whispered, “Yeah.”



“Why don’t you just go and buy some fucking pajamas? Because, seriously, those are way too fucking big.”

“I do not own any fucking pajamas!” Sariel thundered. “I have never owned any fucking pajamas! I’m not going to start buying fucking pajamas!”

"Charles, no one wants to see your ass crack!"

"I don't mind," Pickles laughed.

"Except you, but you're twisted and sick."

"And yer nawt?"

"Well, yeah, actually, I am, but it's sick in an entirely different way that has nothing to do with the way that you're twisted and sick!" He eyed Charles. “Maybe if you wore the tie?"

"Without a fucking shirt?" Sariel asked.

"Yeah, sure, show some class."

"I doo miss da tie, dood,” Pickles put in.

“I’d look like a fucking Chippendales guy,” Sariel wailed.

“Dude, no offense,” Nathan reasoned, “but, you know, you’re NEVER gonna look like a Chippendales guy.”

Charles scowled.

Ganesh's residence....

“And how did we manage to get blueberry pie filling stuck in our feathers, jaanu?” Ganesh grinned as he carefully soaped up the wings with Raziel’s gentle dishwashing liquid.

Sariel stood in the shower looking a bit abashed. “Uh. Yeah. I think maybe Nathan set his piece of pie on the couch. And, uh, maybe I sat on it.”

“Not that I would criticize you going about your day in winged form, however, two dust mops in the family might be our exceeding our quota,” Ganesh laughed.

“Did Boon ever go back to winged form?”

“He is still up with the twins. I should call Lady Raziel about the results of our afternoon’s experiments. Anyway,” he said, dunking Sariel’s head under the water with a laugh, “I think I’ve got it out. But you might want to take care the next time you take flight.”

Sariel smiled and wrapped the wings around Ganesh. “I could make it up to you,” he said.

“Mmm. You had better. I’ve gone and ruined my manicure!”

Sariel stepped back. “When THE FUCK did you have time to get a manicure?”

“I just nip out during the day.”


“Do you?” Ganesh murmured, stepping closer. “That's sexy. Fatherhood."

“Pfft,” grumbled Sariel.


“You realize how much Nathan Explosion would pay to see this?”

Raziel looked up from where she was nursing Liam. “I could invite him up to help. I got this male nursing gizmo for Wotan for April Fools…”


“Oh. Yeah,” Raziel giggled. “How is Nathan anyway?”

“They want me to wear a tie.”

“You always wear a tie.”

“With the wings!”

“Oh. That might be….”

“I don’t wanna look like a fucking Chippendales guy!”

“Sweetie, you’ll never look like a Chippendales guy.”

Sariel glared. A baby started to fuss.

“Would you grab Abby?”

Sariel frowned and picked up the fussing girl, who immediately stopped fussing upon achieving his lap. “Has it occurred to you,” Sariel asked Abby, “that I might like a moment without being attached to a sticky baby?”

“Where’s your sticky baby? You didn’t lose him again, did you?”

“I have never lost our sticky baby!” Sariel declared.

“Who lost our sticky baby?”

“Namaste Ganesha!” Raziel sang, laying Liam down.

"Don't let me interrupt. I wanted to inquire whether you were still intending to come to dinner at Uncle's?" Ganesh asked.

"You're sure you want us at this shindig, Ganesha?" Raziel asked.

"Please?" Ganesh's tone was actually pleading.

"No problem. Sarasvati seems to like my horrible brats for some reason. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!" The latter was addressed to Lord Liam, who was sticking his tongue out at his mother. His mother returned the gesture, with the addition of wiggling hands to her temple.

Ganesh actually smiled. "You should have seen my brother and I go at that."

"Dammit! Why did I get wings instead of extra arms?" Raziel asked.

"Raziel, you are wishing for additional appendages so you can tease your baby?" Sariel sighed.

"Who taught him to do that, anyway?" Raziel demanded.


"Ganesha! You showed him sticking out his tongue? You also taught him upside down is better than right side up! Some kind of role model you are!"

"I may have been ever so slightly more mischievous as a child," Ganesh admitted. "Where is Lord Wotan?"

"Lord Wotan is without!" Raziel grinned. "Saddling a horse. Or unsaddling a horse. Or some shit."

"I'll go,” said Ganesh.

"And just where is your sticky baby?" Raziel asked.

"Saint Kamuel!" Ganesh told her.

"Saint Kamuel?"

"He has taken tonight's bath time."

"He does wings?" Raziel asked.

"I think we'll owe him a blow job," Sariel laughed as Ganesh departed for "without."

"Shit, I never should have let him go. I'd suck him off for bath time."

"Have you ever gotten your wings washed?" Sariel asked quietly.

"No. Why?"

Sariel leaned over, carefully cradling Abby. "It feels really good," he said softly.



"Like, foot massage good?"


Raziel scowled at him. "OK, now you're fucking with me."

"No. Seriously.

"You're really getting serious about the whole wings out thing."

"No. It's just.... Comfortable. And Boon likes it." He carefully set Abby down beside Liam. “You don’t like your winged Form?”

“Well, I always thought my True Form was a Seraph. And you know, I never liked it. So I’m more comfortable like this.”

“You should try it.”

“Am I gonna have to take you out to a wing bar again?” Raziel asked, lifting an eyebrow. “By the way, why is Ganesha so pent up?”

“He’s sort of caught up in the Naming thing. I guess the Eastern Kingdom is not pleased about a little half angel bastard possibly being Lord of Destruction some day.”

“Aw, he’s not half angel, only a quarter!” Raziel scoffed.

“Would you trust a quarter angel over a half?”

“Well, no.”

“Anyway, I’m trying to stay out of it,” Sariel told her.

“What?” Raziel asked.

“I am trying to step back and stay out of it.”

“Really? You don’t want Boon to be Lord of Destruction.”

“Well. No.”

“No? What do you want him to do?”

Sariel shrugged. “You know. Crusading photojournalist.”

Raziel grinned.

“Or, cutthroat corporate lawyer. Or, I dunno.”

“But you’re staying out of EKC politics?”

“For now. I think part of the trouble is, Ganesh and I have a kid, but we’re not….” Sariel looked up. Raziel appeared to be looming.

“Not what?” she asked.

“Personal space, Raziel.”

“Not what?” she repeated.

"Uh. You know.”

“I know what????”

“…Married," he muttered.

"SAN SERRIFFE!" she squealed.


Raziel continued breathlessly, “The island paradise in the south Indian Ocean, featuring lush greenery, pristine beaches, impossibly blue waters, and breath-taking expanses of beauty and nature create a location so unique, it seems to have been created for pure romance. Perfect for blissful romantic getaways, including private bures and beaches, romantic picnics for two, intimate moonlit dinners at seaside, horseback riding at dawn, and relaxing and sensual massages.”

“What are you the tourist board…? Wait. What was that about sensual massages?”

Raziel had her electronic pad whipped out. “This is Cocobanana Beach on the Upper Caisse! I think it would be perfect for the ceremony!”

“WHAT ceremony?”

"When you get married, silly Sariel."

"I didn't.... I wouldn't.... I can't.... That beach is actually kind of pretty."

Mordhaus conference room....

"Uhhhh..." said Charles. He looked around, waiting for the inevitable interruption. He raised an eyebrow. He clicked his laser pointer on and off.

"OK. So. I know you guys have been through a lot of weird stuff the past year or so..."


"So if you don't wanna do this, that's fine...."

"Do what?" Nathan asked.

"Uh. No one wants to share a trumpet imitation?" Charles asked hopefully.

"Dood! What don't we wanna doo?"

"Ja! You ams tells us now what we ams not doingses!"

Charles clicked the laser pointer on and off again. "This is a fun thing," he mentioned.

Five sets of eyes stared back.

"Ganesh and I... Uh.... I thought.... Maybe we could.... Since we've been together.... And, there's the kid.... Uh.... Nobody wants to mace a turkey or something?"

Silent stares.


"SAN SERRIFFE?" bellowed Nathan.

"Schan Scherriffe? The island paradisch in the schouth Indian Oschean, featuring lusch greenery, prischtine beaches, imposschibly blue watersch, and breath-taking expanschesch of beauty?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Charles! SAN SERRIFFE is perfect for blissful romantic getaways, including private bures and beaches, ROMANTIC PICNICS for two, intimate MOONLIT DINNERS at seaside, horseback riding at dawn, and relaxing and SENSUAL MASSAGES,” Nathan rumbled.

“Ams so romanticals,” Toki sighed.

"How does everybody know about this place but me?" Charles asked.

"Dood? So, Gannish asked yoo?" Pickles inquired.

"Uh, well, no, not...."

"WAIT! Then you asked Ganesh? Was that how it works? Because I'm SERIOUSLY CONFUSED!" Nathan growled.

“Uh. Well, there are always details….”

“Your fiansche is a detail?” Murderface asked.

“Ams nots da fiansexay untils dems ams askings,” Skwisgaar averred knowledgably.

Nathan fixed his manager with a stare. “You better ask him dude. Because I want my FUCKING MARTINIS.”


You could not tell they were not human. They moved faster than any human swordsmen, even the most highly trained martial artists. They moved so fast, in fact, you could only see a blur. You would have no idea they were engaged in a duel until they stopped, as they did now.

“Hi Sariel! Namaste Ganesha! Have you guys met Kitsune?”

A grinning man popped an earphone out and bowed. He held two katana, as did Raziel. He had pure white, highly teased hair, and wore some cool rose-tinted wraparound shades. He looked like a human of Asian descent, except for one detail: he had several neatly braided tails pushing out of the back of his gi pants. In all, he had nine tails.

“Konnichiwa!” said Kitsune.

“Kitsune is helping me brush up on my two bladed!”

“Are you gentlemen swordsmen?” Kitsune asked.

“Yeah, but not like Raziel,” Sariel admitted. Raziel grinned broadly.

“I used to be,” Ganesh told him.

“What can you mean? Once a swordsman, ALWAYS a swordsman!” Kitsune declared.

“Through … a complicated set of circumstances, I have gone from right-handed to left-handed, and I have found-“

“Then you will fight like me, utilizing nito techniques!” Kitsune said, holding up his two blades in one hand.

“Er….” Ganesh undid his shirt buttons, and brought out an extra set of arms. "Actually!"

Kitsune tore off the wraparound specs. "That is absolutely capital! We should begin training immediately! Come! If we are to remove the threat of Seth, we must not neglect our fencing skills!"

"Well, I might...." Ganesh started. Raziel grinned and tilted her head. "Maybe just a round?"

"You have fought with four blades before?" Kitsune inquired as Raziel grabbed Sariel and tugged him out.

"I customarily utilized two blades and a trident...."

"The Yokai are finally gonna move against Seth," Raziel told Sariel.

"What the fuck took ‘em so long?"

"They're not keen on outsiders. Wotan's been over there a dozen times. But I think it was the toys that did it. Those guys are serious about their giant robots. Anyway, Ganesha has been kinda sulky about the left-handed thing, so I thought he might like a little sparring.

“I’m not sincerely convinced he regrets it any more. He seems to really like painting. Uh, where are we going, anyway?”

"I had something made for you!"


"Come on! She had dragged him to something that actually looked like a sewing room. Or would have, if Raziel bothered to sew.

She went to zip open something that looked like a dry cleaner bag. "You need to go to True Form!"


"So we can try this on around your wings."

"My wings? Ah, what the fuck?" He took off his tie and jacket, and took out his wings. Raziel was immediately slipping something over his head.

"What is that supposed to be?" Sariel asked as she stepped back for a critical look.

"Backless vest. I had my guy who did your suit tailor it, so it's that boring color you like." She pulled his tie from his discarded shirt and started knotting it around his neck.

"What is it for?"

"So you can wear a tie when you're wings out. And not look like the world's skinniest-assed strip club dancer."

Sariel glared at himself in the mirror. “The douche quotient is still very high.” He forced himself to look. Sariel had not made a practice of paying attention to his reflection for too long a time when he was not involved in the act of shaving or adjusting his tie. However, he noticed that, true to Ganesh’s word, after months of treatment with his smelly application, his scars had faded appreciably. They weren’t gone, not all the way, but had receded to traces on his skin.

“What?” Raziel asked. She had wriggled around on the couch, and was now staring at him upside-down.

He hesitated, then asked. “Raziel. Why do you think Ganesh…?”


“Yeah, but….”

Raziel puffed air. “He came back from the dead for you!”

“I don’t need to be reminded….”

“And ordered your bastard demon child off the internet. Or from Our Father.”

“You know, I really shouldn’t need to tell you I’m not a fucking demon.”



“What do you want? I THINK he likes you! Do you have to question EVERYTHING?”

“Yes. Yes I do!”

“You know, it’s really hard to take that glower seriously when you’re wearing that Chippendale’s outfit.”

Raziel squealed with laughter as Sariel threw the vest at her head.


"Dude, how many kids do you have now anyway?" Nathan asked.

"I still just have one, Nathan. This is Liam. Remember?"

The curly haired boy waved his little plastic Godzilla merrily at Nathan.

"Yeah, I.... Oh my god is that Godzilla? Godzilla is fucking AWESOME!"

"Well, uh, he is the king of monsters."

Nathan was down on the floor of the media room now, regarding the two small boys with envy.

"Wait! Why doesn't your kid have a Godzilla?"

"Because he has the other one. Uh, whatever that is."

"Ams Gamera," Toki supplied.

"Yeah, uh, Gamera."


"It's, uh, cool too."

"You got your son a TURTLE instead of KING OF MONSTERS?"

"Gamera isch cool! He can fly!" Murderface insisted.

"Thank you, William. Yes, Gamera can fly!"

"Charles. You're a BAD PARENT!"

"I.... I AM NOT!" Charles insisted, suddenly grabbing up a delighted Elias.

"You got your kid a turtle when his friend has the KING OF MONSTERS!"

"But this is the toy he picked! Kitsune brought them toys from Japan, and he wanted the turtle thing!"

"Dood! Yoo let him pick? Ain't dat kinda indulgent?"

“I’m not … holy fuck! Pickles, can you do the foot pedal thing?”

All eyes turned to the large television screen.

“…Yes, Dan, this giant Japanese robot has been attacking downtown Melbourne for the past hour, spreading mayhem and terror.”

“Connie, can you tell me, despite the mayhem and terror, it looks awesome cool!”

“Yes, Dan, despite the carnage, it’s pretty awesome cool!”

“Wowee! Dat ams way awesomes cool!” Toki exclaimed as the giant robot used its frickin’ cool laser beam eyes to down an office tower.

“Can you characterize the devastation so far, Connie?”

“Well, it could be worse. Melbourne always was sort of a piece of shit, Dan!”

"I fuckin' love Connie Conehead," Nathan muttered.

“Dood. Dey raided da toy stores,” Pickles said.

“Seth’s kid?” Sariel asked him.

Sitting close to the monitor, little Liam said, “Glarrble.”

“Wait! Connie, can you describe what’s happening now?”

“Yes, Dan, just now, coming out of the sea… Why, it’s none other than Godzilla himself!”

“Why, Godzilla is the king of monsters, isn’t he, Connie?”

“That’s true Dan! Godzilla is the king of monsters!”

“See?” said Nathan.


“What’s going on now?”

“Well, Dan, Godzilla is using his radioactive breath against the giant robot.”

“Blarrrr!” said Liam. Sariel glanced at him.

“Brraghh!” Elias chirped, holding his Gamera.

“Wait, Connie! What’s that I see, flying through the sky! It looks like… It looks like a turtle!”

“Yes, Dan, that would be Gamera!”

“Is that what the turtle one is called?"

“Yes, that’s what the turtle one is called. He seems to be flying into the giant robot, smashing into his stomach, causing him much distress!”

Sariel was on his cell phone. "Yeah, Raziel? You watching...? Yeah. I have a question. Is Abby watching? Uh-huh. Now, what toy is Abby playing with?"

"Wait, Dan! Look! Out of the sky! Why, it's the one called Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon! And look, Dan, she's just stuck her Sparkling Crystal Moon Wand up the ass of the giant robot!"

“That robot is going down, Connie!”

“Oh, the humanity, Dan!”

“Oh, boy,” said Sariel.

“Well, I guess I was wrong, I guess the flying turtle dude is kinda cool,” Nathan admitted.

Ganesh's residence....

Sariel was standing in front of the full length mirror, holding up Raziel's vest.

"What is that, dear?" Ganesh asked, giving him a peck on the neck.

"Oh. It's stupid. It's from Raziel," Sariel said, immediately tossing it away in embarrassment.


He shook his head and sat down on the edge of the bed. "It's the latest arbitrary demand from the boys."

"This vest?" Ganesh asked, throwing himself on the bed and picking it up curiously.

Sariel snatched the vest and held it in his hands. "They don't mind ... if I go around in my winged form. But they want me to wear a tie. Um, when I can’t wear a shirt shirt." Hearing no answer, he looked over at Ganesh, his face flushed.

Ganesh was staring, wide-eyed. He suddenly crawled near. Very, very near. "Did I ever tell you about my absurdly high regard for those Chippendales fellows?" he whispered.


"Go get a tie."


"And get this shirt off."





"I can't do any of those things if you're on top of me!"

"Oh, mmm...." Ganesh thoughtfully rolled off. "All right, there you go, scoot," he urged, chucking Sariel off the bed and emphasizing it all with a pat to the rump. “And get some dollar bills from your wallet! I need to show my appreciation.”


“For your dancing skills!”

“Dancing? Fuck you, Ganesh!”

“Mmm, I sincerely hope so….”


“And how did ye say ye got cherry pie filling in your wings again?” Wotan asked.

Raziel, sitting in front of him in the hot tub, suddenly seemed to jerk out of her reverie. “Uh. Yeah. The kids.”

“The kids?”

“Yup. You know how kids are…. Oh, right there, that feels good.”

Wotan worked on her feathers with a soapy rag. “You had your wings out when you were watchin’ the kids?”


“Well, I think that’s all.” He kissed her neck and then reached around the wings for a quick grope.

“Mmmm,” she said.

“You’re so pretty when you’re like this,” he murmured into her neck. “My angel.”

Raziel blinked. Suddenly, she turned and tackled Wotan for a kiss. Unfortunately, she hadn’t quite mastered lunging in winged form in the slightly slippery hot tub, so ended up dunking both of them underwater. They both raised their heads a moment later, gasping and laughing and spitting water.

“Lady, you are worth drownin’ for,” Wotan roared, pulling them both under again.
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